Is This It?

"It's alright, just relax." She said and starts singing for me.

I can't hear a word of what she is singing but hearing her voice soothes me very much. Moments later, the lights flickered back on. I released my hold on her a little and raised my head to search her face to know if she is abhorred by me. But she seems to be enjoying holding me to her. I laid back my head on her shoulder as she continued running her hand all over my back. Soon her touch turned from soothing to caressing. I could feel the heat rushing through my body. I moaned a little and leaned away from her.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked me tenderly. I shook my head 'no'.

"What do you want to do?"

"This..." I replied as I bent down and claimed her lips.

The kiss turned hot and hard immediately. I moaned into her mouth. I have never before in my life felt this way. I've never wanted anyone like I wanted Bette now. It never occurred to me that I could be gay, but here I am enjoying this beautiful woman. She ran her fingers across my chest. I felt her cold fingers touch my hot flesh and claimed my hard nipples... what happened to my bra? I am sure I was wearing one before. I looked down at myself; my t- shirt too is gone. What the hell happened here? I looked up and stared at her suspiciously.

"You pulled them off earlier when the power was off." She told me while laughing softly at the look on my face.

"So, I guess I am the only one over- dressed for this occasion."She continued.

We resumed kissing as Bette tried to undress. I love the way she kiss me, it feels so nice. As we kiss, her hand roamed all over my chest pinching and pulling my nipples while the other one held my neck steady against her. She stooped down my body and took a nipple into her mouth and sucked hard. I moaned loud and held her head to my chest as she starts flicking her tongue on my nipple driving me wild. After awhile, she transferred her attention to my other tit.

She turned me over and I lay on my back on the couch. She resumed sucking and licking my tits. When she starts sliding down my body again, I froze in fear... what if she doesn't like me? I know she thinks I am a freak right now. Not after what she witnessed; my attack. I wonder what she is still doing touching me.

"Bette?"

"Mmmmhh?" she mumbled as she continued kissing my navel. I need to stop her but she's kinda making it difficult with what she is doing to me.

"No, Bette. Wait." I said pulling her head off my stomach.

"What's the matter?"

"I think you should leave." I said

"Why? What's wrong?

"Please? I need you to go" I pleaded with her.

She got up slowly and quietly gathers her bag and coat and walks toward the door. I quickly slid my shirt on and pulled it down as I followed behind, all the while telling myself that I am making a terrible mistake by shutting her out, but I know deep down that I am right. I need some time to think. As we got to the door, I reached out and pulled it open for her to pass. She turned back to me and stares steadily at me for a few minutes.

"I understand what you must be feeling; I know it must be confusing. But I will give you time to sort and figure things out for yourself. Just know you are so ready for this and you deserve to be loved. I know it's hard to understand but I want to love you, if you'll give me a chance."

She stopped talking and caressed my cheeks for a while, and then she puckered up and gave me a soft kiss.

"You drive me crazy. I'll see you. G'night." She whispered as she walked out.

I quietly shut the door behind me and went and sat on my sofa to think. I am so aroused that I can barely think straight. Thirty minutes later, after much tossing and more smoking, I went into my room. I pulled off my t—shirt and my pants and pulled on my long robe and left the house. Few minutes later, Richard opened his door to me. I slowly pulled the belt of my robe and opened it, showing him the outline of my naked body. He stares at me for a while, then pulled me into his house and shut the door behind us.

************* ************** **************

I started seriously avoiding Dr. Grandfield as best I could. I rarely go anywhere that I know she might be at. If I entered the lounge, I'd be sure I left long before she's due to enter. I even ran into nearby rooms few times I noticed her approaching towards me. I was sure that I could ignore what I am feeling if only I had nothing to do with her any longer. Few times, when I hadn't had a chance to dodge her, she will nod or smile as she walked past me. But always, she calls me every night asking me to meet her for a drink, which I always declined.

Few days later, I ran into her at the hospital's garage. I was delayed because one of my patients went into seizure, so I had to stay back to get him stabilized before going. I was approaching the elevator when I saw Bette entering the elevator. I was sure she was leaving, so I snuck back into my office and to be on the safe side, I waited for 20 minutes before leaving again. I rode the elevator to the garage for my car. The garage was a little dark but I know I'll be safely in my car within minutes.

As I opened the car door to enter, I felt a presence behind me. I froze in fear. What if it's them out to hurt me again? I know it can be. It's been long that happened, but still? I willed myself not to panic and remain calm. Slowly, I turned round.

"Dr. Brown. You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Thank you." I breathed a sigh of relief to see it was a paramedic guy. He's sweet on me but I can't for the life of me remember his name; Tom or Sam? I know it's one of those.

"Are you sure?" he asked

"Yes, Sam. I'm okay."

"Um... it's Tom. Goodnight." He said as he entered his car.

"Yes, Tom... sorry." I apologized. "Goodnight." I added as he drove off.

I sigh heavily in relief as I turned to enter my car.

"You've been avoiding me." I froze.

I'd know that deep voice anywhere. If not for anything, then for what it does to me anytime I heard it. As I stood frozen, my breath quickens and I start trembling.

"Why?" she whispered.

"No." I managed to say.

She came closer and circled my waist and hugged me from behind. I felt her breasts pressed into my back as she breathes deeply at the back of my neck. We stood like that for a while, and then she pulled away.

"Will you look at me, please? She pleaded.

I took a huge breath, then, slowly turned round to face her.

"You've been avoiding me."

It was a simple statement not a question or an accusation.

"Why? And don't tell me 'no' again because we both know that you are."

"I...I...um... I've been busy." I gushed out.

"I see. Well, can we grab a drink?"

"Now?" I asked stupidly

"What do you think?" she flashed me a sad smile

"I have to get home. I ... I have things to do."

"Like what?" she stared at me waiting for an answer and I stood looking at the floor; all the while trying to form another lie to tell. I've never been good at lying and from the look on her face; I know she's found me out.

"It's okay. I understand if you don't want to go out with me." She said quietly

"It's not that. I'm busy."

"It's okay. I understand, really. Goodnight." She turned and walked back to her car.

I stood there debating within myself on what to do. After a few seconds I followed her. I saw her leaning her head on the steering wheel of her car. She's probably very tired, I thought. She hadn't noticed me yet, so, I tried the passenger door and it opened. She raised her head as I got in and quickly ran a hand over her face. I thought that those shiny liquid I saw few seconds before she wiped them off could be tears, but it can't be. I don't think anybody could ever cry on my account.

We sat quietly for a few minutes without talking; probably she is waiting for me to talk while I was waiting for her to say something. Then, slowly, she start the car and drove off. I have no idea where she is heading to and I don't want to ask and break the silence. I sat quietly breathing fast and shallowly; I am afraid that my attack might start any moment. I leaned my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. Moments later I felt her hand on mine. She squeezed mine real tight.

"It's alright. Just relax and you'll be fine."

I relaxed back and closed my eyes and I guess I must have slept off, because moments later, I felt her touch on my face. I startled awake and sat up.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to alarm you but we are here." Bette said

I stare out the window. Nothing seems familiar.

"Where is this? I thought we are getting a drink?" I asked

"My home, and yes, we are." She replied as she un- buckles her seat belt and stepped out of the car. I sat watching her every movement, forgetting that I too need to leave the car as well. She circled around to the passenger side and knocked on the window. I wind down the window and peered out at her.

"You coming or what?" She asked

"Yes." I replied still making no attempt to get out.

She reached inside the car and unlocked and opened the door.

"Well?" she asked

"Of course." I replied as I scampered out. She chuckled to herself.

I followed her to the elevator and got in. As we rode quietly to her apartment, I kept wondering why she brought me 'here', to her home. She took out her keys and opened the door of her apartment. I entered and stood staring around the big sitting room which was tastefully furnished. I fell in love with her apartment immediately. I love her simple decoration. It made the room seem larger with more spaces to spare. The furniture is pure leather; all different from the other but they still matched with the way they were placed. They are probably antiques.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll get you a drink. What will you have?" Bette asked as she pulled off her jacket and dumps it along with her bag on the sofa.

"I think I will have coffee. Thank you." I replied as I slumped into the sofa.

"You must be really tired." She said leaving the room.

I got up and walked around the room, peering at framed pictures and some art works. She has a nice collection of arts; although I don't recognize any of the artists. As I made to sit again, I caught the sight of fresh flowers in my peripheral view. I immediately changed course towards it. I've always loved flowers; they drew me like a moth to a flame. I approached the flower and lifted the vase to my face and inhaled deeply. I let the petals brushed my face lightly, then I inhaled again and sneezed.

"You probably shouldn't be doing that, since you're allergic."

I whirled around in surprise.

"Should I remove it from the room?" Bette continued.

''No, it's fine. I always loved doing that. I love flowers. And this one is really lovely with its vibrant yellow. What are they?" I asked

"It's Yellow bush." She answered

"Oh! Well, I've never seen it before but it has such a strong, sweet fragrance." I commented

"It's from Africa."

"Good."I replied

Then I turned and raised a small framed picture of Bette with a gorgeous black woman. They both held each other tightly and I can see the love in their eyes shining through the camera. I turned and held the picture to her. I know the woman could only be one person, but I still want to hear her say it.

"That's my ex."

"I know. Do you have a thing for black women?" I asked daringly

"Excuse me?

I cocked my head to one side giving her my stubborn stance. I know I shouldn't have said it, at least not the way it came out, but I want to see her reaction.

"Why do you say that?" she asked again. I can see the trace of anger in her eyes.

I smiled within myself, I wanted her to crack. I eyed the picture in my hand, then rolled my eyes at myself and then looked back at her. She looked at me for a while, and then she sighed. She walked into my space, leans up and bit my lower lip hard. I felt the electricity raced through my spin. I stood gawking as she placed the coffee in my hand and walked away.

I managed to make it back to the sofa before falling over. I spilled some coffee on myself and the hot liquid helped to revive me a little. I wonder why Bette has this strong effect on me. I could still feel my lips tingling from where she bit me. I know I deserved it but I wasn't expecting her to fight back that way.

Ten minutes later, when I was wondering if maybe I should go, she entered. She has cooled down considerably. She gave me a tiny smirk when she saw me looking at her. She has changed out of her work clothes. She wore a long over-sized t—shirt that got up to her knees. I watched her well shaped legs as they crossed in front of the other as she approached. Then I looked up to watch her breasts sway provocatively as she walks; it's obvious that she has removed her bra because her nipples were poking through and very visible.

I watched her fiddle with the heater and then sway back to the settee and sat. She stretched out and place 2 goblets on the centre table; then proceeded to open the wine she was holding. I hadn't noticed her holding the wine, probably because I was busy noticing other, more fun parts of her. She opened the wine and pour a generous amount into both glasses, then handed one to me. I gingerly set down my coffee and took the glass from her. We sat sipping the wine in silence. I finished mine and set the glass down. The silence is getting too uncomfortable for me; for the second time tonight, I was thinking maybe I should leave. Bette leaned forward to refill my glass again. I thought maybe I should probably tell her that I don't have the head for alcohol. I could feel my eyes getting heavy just from this single glass I had already taken.

"So, how your week been?" She asks refilling my glass

"Fine."

"Good to know." She replied.

She fixed me with a hard stare. I could tell she had something on her mind. I tried to hold her stare but I couldn't. I got nervous and downed my drink in one go and set the glass down again. I looked up and Bette looked at my glass and then back at me with a raised brow. I just sat staring at her. She leaned forward and refilled my glass again.

"So, do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" I countered

"What happened at your house?"

"I told you I don't want to talk about it." I said as I picked up my drink.

My head is getting so heavy and my eyelids drooping. I don't know why I can't drink. I could smoke anything and feel alright, but when it comes to drink, I can't seem to take more than one glass. I don't even finish the half glass I normally pour during dinner. And here, I've already drunk 2 glasses and armed with the third one.

"We need to talk about it. I know it's the major reason you asked me out of your house."

"That's not true." I replied

"Then, what do you think about us?" She asked

''Nothing." I said trying not to slur my words.

"I left you so you could think on what you want to do about us." Bette said, pronouncing her words carefully.

She is beginning to sound like my high school principal, as if I'm stupid. Maybe she thinks I'm drunk.

"What about us? Why do I have to do anything about us?" I fired back

"You should probably stop drinking that." Bette said leaning forward to hold back my hand.

"Why? You think I'm drunk? My voice rose to almost a shout.

"I don't think, you are." Bette said raising her voice as well.

I stared at her for a while. I could feel my body shaking in anger. She calmly returned my stare.

"So I was at a wrong place at a wrong time. So I got raped by three ass holes, big deal. So, I get the attack every once in a while, big fucking deal. Is that what you want to talk about? I'm not a charity case and I don't need you to rescue me. You know what Dr. Grandfield, I'm gone. Thanks for the drink." I shouted as I got up.

I could hear my voice along with my body shaking. I gathered my bag and coat and straightened to leave. I took a few steps only, and then I feel the blood rushing to my head. The next thing I know, Bette was leaning over me begging me to help her a little by carrying some of my weight because she need to get me back to the sofa. But, why should I help her? She caused this. So I closed my eyes tighter and lay listening to her trying to lift me.

"Please Nadia; I know you can hear me. Help me out. I can't lift you. You are bigger than me." She pleaded

Now, I tried to get up but my limbs felt so heavy. I could feel her drag me on the floor to the sofa, then I willed myself with Bette's help and climbed the sofa. It took all the energy I had left. I guess I must have fainted again, because the next time I opened my eyes, I saw it's almost daylight. I felt disoriented. I looked around before it occurred to me that I never left Bette's house last night. I quickly scampered off the couch, noticed I'm in my underwear. I felt around for my clothes, saw them folded neatly on top of the side stool. I gathered them along with my shoes and bag and ran off. As I pass by the door, I grabbed Bette's keys. I opened her car and got in. I am trembling all- over; I sat there for minutes gathering myself before I drove off.

When I got home, I could hear my phone ringing as I opened the door. I rushed over and picked up.

"It's me. Are you okay?" I froze again at the sound of that voice.

"Yes. I have to go. Bye." I rushed and hang up before she could get another word in.

I went into my room and undressed again, then fell into bed.

************ ************** **************

Two weeks later, I have finally finished fighting the battle and won. I've finally convinced myself that I deserved to be loved, which was what Bette was offering me and also acknowledged what I felt and still feel for Bette. I've made up my mind to give myself another chance and have a go at it. But first, I need to set some things right. I gather all my courage and left the house before I could change my mind. All the time it took me to make the journey, my wuss side tried all it could to convince me that what I'm doing is not wise and to turn back and few times I actually turned back only to whirl around immediately to continue. So, I guess my heart must be stronger.

When I reached my destination, I gingerly climbed the front porch steps and with my heart beating on my bums, I rang the door bell. I waited. It probably took a few minutes for the door to open, but to me, it felt like an eternity. This is the second time I am setting foot in this house since this all started. Finally it opened and I took a huge calming breath before looking up.

"Oh! Hi Dr. Brown, I was just getting ready."

"I know, that's why I came."

"Oh! Are you okay?" my neighbor Richard asked

"Yes, I am fine. Mind if I come in?" I asked

"Of course?" he answered.

He stepped away from the door, allowing me entrance. He looked really worried; I almost start feeling sorry for him. I sat on the sofa and cleared my throat. He went into another room that must have been the kitchen because he came back holding two glasses of wine, of which one was handed to me. I wanted to decline, but what the hell? I gingerly take a sip and placed the glass down. I really want to do this clear headed. I cleared my throat again.

"Richard, I have to tell you something. I don't want you to feel bad, that I have used you. It's just that a lot has happened over the past month that left me wondering and questioning myself. But I'm glad that I am able to sort it out in my own way. I could have ignored this but I owe you an explanation considering we've been doing this for 3 years now." I paused for breath.

I watched Richard waiting anxiously for me to continue.

"I am a lesbian." I said matter of factly.

It amazed me how calm I sound, notwithstanding the tough war waging inside me. Richard stared at me for awhile, and then he burst out laughing.