It all Started with a Car Crash

"Because as well as loving her, I like her, and I like having her around. I'm not going to stuff that up."

"Be careful, darling. She seems very fragile. Tough on the outside, but not so tough on the inside.

With the painting done, Mum and Dad left. The house seemed a little empty without them, and Aroha seemed distant.

Her baby belly was huge, and she struggled to get around. I gave her massages and shoulder rubs. Anything to help out. The baby was like a ferocious karate fighter he kicked so hard. It was nice to lay beside her, my head on her belly, listening to the heart beat and feeling it move inside.

Aroha made sure we didn't know the gender. She wanted that surprise.

The day the baby decided to make an appearance, I was at work. My phone buzzed, and when I answered, it was Aroha. "Charli, can you come home? My water's broke and I'm getting contractions." She sounded stressed. Luckily, I was at the local high school giving a talk on road safety. It was a quick trip back to the station to get my car and then to race home.

Aroha was curled up on the bed and she was in pain. "Are you okay?" I asked, rushing into the room.

"God, it hurts so bad," she whimpered. It was a couple of weeks early, so we didn't have a bag ready. I threw stuff into an overnight bag and helped her out to the car.

Inside the hospital, she was rushed into the birthing clinic and the nurses tried to shoo me out of the room. I saw the fear in Aroha's eyes as she pleaded, "Please don't go, don't leave me." Her hand reached out and I moved back into the room.

The elder of the two nurses said quite sharply, "Sorry, you can't be in here. Only partners or family."

Aroha screamed through a contraction, "She's my partner. She's staying."

I smiled at her saying it, but it did give me butterflies. Hearing her say that, even though I knew she said it just so I could stay, still meant a lot.

I was soon covered in a gown and we were surrounded by the medical team. I held her hand, squeezed it as she cried, encouraged her breathing as she pushed. It was slow and painful for her. I could see it in her face. She bore down and pushed for all she was worth.

"That's it, babe, that's it, push."

Just like that, it was over. I saw the cutest little baby burst into the world. Aroha's grip softened and she sighed deeply. The little baby boy was cleaned and placed in her arm.

She burst into a new round of tears she she saw her baby boy for the first time. "Oh my god," she gasped. Her head turned and she looked into my eyes. "Look how perfect he is."

Reaching out, I rand my hand over the baby's head. "He's gorgeous." I couldn't believe those words came from my mouth. I wasn't just saying them either. I meant every word. "Beautiful, a beautiful little baby."

She reached out and pulled me down closer so I could kiss the little dear. "He's so tiny."

We stayed like that for a few minutes, just cuddling the little fella.

A nurse came back into the room with papers to fill out. "What is the baby's name?" she asked.

"Charles." Aroha said firmly.

Middle name?"

"Arohanui... Chareles Arohanui."

After the nurse left, I asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, weirdly. The moment he popped out, everything changed. The pain vanished, it just felt good."

She fed the little urchin and we put him into his cot. "You didn't have to name him Charles."

She smiled, replying, "No, but I wanted to. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Fuck, Sis, you saved my life, you gave me a home... love... what else was I going to name him? Plus, it suits him."'

I felt overwhelmed. Love just oozed out of me, but I couldn't tell her. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her. Of course, I couldn't. I knew she felt differently.

All I could do is say, "Thank you."

I managed to get a week off work. Not easy when you're not exactly a family member. Still, we spent the week getting little Charles used to being home. He was a good baby. Slept reasonably well. Although I did get up with Aroha during the night when she woke to feed him. I made us hot cocoa and sat with her while she fed him. I loved feeding him as well. Aroha expressed milk so I could give her a break, not that it ever worked out that way. She always got up as well.

We settled into a routine, little by little, it was like we were a family. I lived it, going to work and bringing home treats for both of them.

The only problem was this sort of unease that enveloped us. Aroha, it seemed, was in her own private little world. We lost something. Moments, rather than being warm comfortable silences, were now awkward. She stopped talking to me.

Not entirely, but she seemed reluctant to share intimate moments with me.

Three months in and she was showing signs of boredom. She wanted to finish her studies. That, however, meant a month back on campus. They organised for her to do most of the work online, but there was no evading that month on campus.

We actually argued over how we could make it work. There was no way I could get a month off work. Marama could do a couple of days a week, but we couldn't cover the whole thing.

I couldn't understand how it affected Aroha. We were already distant. This only exaserbated those feelings.

I got home from work one day and Aroha was on the phone talking to somebody. The tears were flowing, and she sniffled her way through the conversation. She ignored me as I walked in, so I left her to it.

I was just making us coffee when she walked in. "Your mother is coming to stay for the month."

"What, when did this happen?"

"Just now. We were talking, and she said she could get time off and would love to come up and stay."

"Don't you think you should have asked me before you guilt her into giving up work so you can do what you want?"

"Fuck you, bitch. At least she was prepared to help."

She stormed off in a huff, leaving me wondering what had happened. How did I get cast as the bad person.

Still, Mum turned up and Aroha moved back to Hamilton for the month. It was actually nice having Mum around. She helped with everything, and she loved Charles like he was hers.

He may not have been mine, but Mum let me know she was proud. "Darling, you girls have done a remarkable job. Charles is just wonderful. He senses all the love."

"I don't know about the love bit. Yes, we both love him, but Aroha has been really weird lately. She barely talks to me."

"My love, you have to give her a little space. Remember, you're not a couple. You are only friends."

"I know that, Mum, but we were like sisters. Now we're like distant relatives. Things are awkward."

"You are like a big sister. She might be feeling a little suffocated. A woman's body goes through a lot of hormonal changes during childbirth. Now she's stuck here at home. It's okay for you, darling. There's work and you have your sport. This is a hard time for her. We need to support her."

"I'm trying, she's just making it hard."

"What she needs is a job, something that would give her an interest."

"Like what?"

Mum, being Mum, smiled. "Well, I have an idea. When I was down at the vet's with Miracle the other day, I overheard a conversation. Yes, it's rude to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help it. Apparently, there is a real shortage of dog groomers here."

"And?" I sighed in growing frustration. Mum could be very annoying with her twisted story telling.

"Well, I was thinking. You have that little shed by the barn. It would be the perfect spot for a little doggy salon. It would allow Aroha to work from home. She has all the skills. She will have her degree. I know she's interested because I talked to her about it. She loved the idea, but didn't have the money to make it happen."

"Wow, you sneaky devil. What a fabulous idea. We should call her and discuss it."

She waved her finger in front of my face. "Not quite what I had in mind. I was thinking; while she's away we could convert the shed and buy the equipment. It would be a surprise."

"Mum, that's a fairly steep financial committent. You don't have to."

"Stop it. I want to. Since meeting Aroha, we have become close and she is like a daughter to me."

"But she might decide to move out. If she and I don't start getting along better, I'm sure she's going to leave."

"I think it's a chance worth taking. Give her back some self-esteem. At the moment, she's lost her identity. She needs this to build up her self-image."

I didn't get much of a say. We threw ourselves into it. We lined the interior, put in new vinyl flooring and installed a flat pack bench. We were stumped when it came to running hot water and drainage. We had to get a plumber for that. We painted and decorated. We even made up a big sign: "Aroha's Grooming Services."

We added a little fenced-in run where dogs that were waiting could have a little run. After that, it was the equipment, the shears, and hand shower, the drier.

As we worked together, Mum floored me. "Darling, what might help is if you found a partner. Somebody who could help you move on with your life. I get the feeling that you're waiting for Aroha to fall in love with you."

Unfortunately, she had hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I wanted.

"Darling, it's not going to happen. She doesn't have those feelings for you. Honestly, you have to move on. If she sees that, then it might give her the impetus to do the same."

"I'm just not ready, Mum. I wanted to have my career locked in before I tried to meet somebody."

"Trust me, darling. Waiting isn't helping you. I think it might be at the centre of why you two aren't getting along. She must feel your longing, perhaps that's why she's uncomfortable."

It hit me in the face like a slap. "You might be right. Since the baby came along, I have struggled to hide my feelings."

"Unavoidable, my love. Trust me, find a romantic partner. You will feel better."

Aroha arrived home feeling like a winner. The whole way home, she talked about her little adventure. She talked about the girls, the teachers, the classes, and then the exams. She was convinced she had passed.

Knowing her, I felt the same way. There was no way she could fail.

As we pulled into the driveway, I saw the look on her face. The moment she saw the converted shed, the huge sign that hung outside, she knew.

Mum heard us and carried little Charles out to stand by the car.

Millie and Miracle came barrelling up to join the party. Aroha lifted baby from Mum's arms, they shared a quick kiss, before Aroha said. "What the hell's going on?"

Mum and I stared at each other, but it was Mum that spoke. "My sweet little child. This was Charli's idea. She wanted to give you something to give you some independence, an interest apart from this sweet little man."

Aroha stared at me open mouthed. "How did you know about this?"

"It was Mum's idea. She said you had already spoken about it."

"But the money?"

"It's our gift to you. A late celebratory gift."

We walked into the salon and I could see how excited she was. I knew her too well. She was already planning how to make it work.

"It's too much, I can't accept this. It's way too much."

"You have to. We can't get our money back. If it makes you uncomfortable, we could treat it as a loan. You could pay us back over a couple of years."

The tears started and wouldn't stop. Even Charles started. We hugged, and Aroha said, "Thank you both. I promise, I won't let you down."

Things picked up around the house. Aroha was her old self. We talked like old times. She devoted her time to the business. She put up posters all over town, got radio advertising, got the vet to endorse her. She was like a mad woman, but it worked.

The trickle of customers turned into a torrent. She was so busy she struggled to keep up.

I guess it had to happen. One evening, I got home to find Aroha going through her wardrobe. When i poked my head in her room, I called out, "Hey, what are you doing?"

She turned and glanced up at me, her expression hard to read. "Could you look after Charles tonight please?"

"Of course, what's going on?"

"Well, this real dreamy guy came in to get his poodle groomed. I tell ya, Sis, he's fucking awesome."

"So you're going on a date, huh?"

Yeah, if you're sweet to look after Charles."

"No worries," I mumbled. "Guess you won't be needing dinner."

"Nope, not for me

I was pretty jealous when the guy came to pick her up. I'm gay, but he was bloody good looking. Dove a nice car, and was dressed nice. They seemed good together, and that drove the knife in a little deeper. The little green monster inside me really took hold.

Finlay, what a dumb name. I scoffed to myself. A fucking poodle... The guys at the station would laugh their collective arses off if I told them... A fucking poodle...

I watched in anguish as they drove off.

I should have put Charles to bed, but I couldn't help holding him in my arms. At least part of her was with me. He was such a cuddly little thing, big grey eyes, gorgeous little hands with the cutest fingers. I loved the way if you put your hand by his, he grabbed your finger and held on tight. Leave it there long enough and he would suckle on it.

Absolutely beautiful... We played for a bit, I changed his nappy, yeah, I guess we paid that price to share his love... Stinky, but worth it.

Once he was in bed, I tried to put Aroha out of my mind. Still, it felt awful, I pictured them kissing, chatting over drinks, sharing stories. He was probably laughing about her gay friend...

TV wasn't cutting it, and reading was impossible. I settled for wrestling with Miracle and Millie in a big slobbery fight on the livingroom floor.

They both loved the interaction, although once Millie flopped on top of you, there was no winning that fight.

Lost and feeling lonelier than ever, I went to bed. Both dogs cuddled up with me. "Millie, you cheat. This isn't your bed." I growled playfully. She just frowned, gave me her goo-goo eyes and snuggled down.

Usually, she slept with Aroha. I'm sure she sensed my disquiet.

Charles crying woke me from my sleep. It was feed time, I waited to see if Aroha was going to get up. His continued crying meant she probably wasn't. Maybe she had to much to drink.

Once I had him in my arms, apart from the smell, all was well with the world. We cuddled and kissed. I changed his nappy and walked out to the kitchen to heat him some milk.

Usually, Aroha would at least get up, then I thought, maybe she stayed the night? Another knife slid into my back.

We settled on the couch and I rocked him as he sucked greedily on the bottle. I checked the time. Shit, it was nearly three AM.

I was burping him when I heard the car pull up. Aroha walked in looking dishevelled, as if she just climbed out of bed. Her makeup was rubbed off, her hair was a mess. Our eyes met as she walked in, shoes in her hand.

I felt... What did I feel, angry, jealous? Oh hell yeah, the green monster was turning my guts over like a washing machine on spin...

I felt sad, as well. It was the death knell of my vain hopes. Regardless of what my mother said, I nurtured those feelings, I lived in hope. Now they were dead, and it was like the sun setting on my dreams.

As she closed the door behind her, Aroha said, "What?" Only one word, but it was laced with guilt, shame, but also a staunch defiance.

"Don't you judge me, Charli. I'm a woman, I have needs just like everybody else."

"I didn't say anything, Aroha. I wasn't judging, or shaming you."

"Like fuck you weren't. I see it in your eyes. You're already calling me slut."

"If you have feelings for him, it's different. He seemed nice."

She flopped down beside me, reaching in to stroke Charles face. "He is nice, and I like him."

I tried to smile, put aside my hurt, be happy for her. "I'm glad." Charles chose that moment to puke up a little air filled milk all over my shoulder. Aroha giggled. And reached for him while I washed off the offending residue.

"Come to Mamma, baby boy," she said softly. "You naughty boy, chucking up on Auntie."

With Aroha in charge, I stood up and said, "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Yeah, night," she whispered.

Sleep was uncomfortable, restless. I tossed and turned, much to Millie's chagrin. She growled at me.

That date was repeated several times over the next couple of weeks. She stayed the night a few times, so he certainly was interested. BMW driving arsehole. He was a developer, building a new suburb on the eastern end of town. He wasn't a local, he was from Auckland, and it showed.

Yeah, I couldn't disengage the green monster, but he was nice enough. The only thing I didn't like about him was the way he totally ignored Charles. He refused to even acknowledge his presence. He wouldn't hold him or play with him.

I hated that. At least he could put up the pretence of liking him. He was fucking his mother, for fucks sake.

It was about a month into their relationship when I arrived home to find Aroha sitting on the deck, her knees pulled up under her chin rocking back and forth.

I sat down beside her. "What's the problem, Sis?"

She leaned over, wrapped me in her arms and hugged me tightly, her head resting on my shoulder. "I broke up with Finlay."

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry." I wrapped my arms around her and we sat rocking back and forth. After a while, I asked, "What happened?"

As we sat there, Millie and Miracle came snuffling over to see what the problem was, their slobbery noses pushing in between us.

Aroha giggled at them, before saying, "He pissed me off. Today he came out to see me; he wanted to book Oliver in for grooming. Charles was a bit windy, so as I went through the calendar. I asked Finlay to hold Charles for a bit so I could get a pen. He said no."

"Why, what's his problem?"

"He hates kids, apparently. A lot came out today. Apparently he's bisexual, he has a boyfriend in Auckland. He suggested the three of us get together. Dirty fucker."

Her vehemence surprised me. She knew plenty of gay people. "I'm sorry, that sounds a bit weird."

"Fuck yeah, gay fucker, he coulda told me that shit at the start. I never woulda been interested in him."

"Guess that's why he didn't."

"Fucking lying arsehole. What a scum bag. If I knew he was into all that kinky shit, I never woulda went with him. Fuck knows what diseases he's got."

Shocked, I asked, "You used condoms, right?"

"Yeah, course, but I sucked his dick. I had that thing in my mouth. He's had it up his boyfriends bum hole. Dirty bastard."

"Wow, calm down, Aroha. If you used condoms, you'll be safe."

"I know, I'm just mad. Why couldn't he be honest with me?"

"He's a user, I suppose. One of those predatory shits who only care about themselves."

We sat cuddled together for a while before I stood. "Come on, lets get some dinner on."

After dinner, we put Charles in his backpack and we took the dogs for a long walk.

"I dunno, Sis, fucking men. I think I'm gonna end up an old maid."

"You will find somebody, Aroha. There are nice people out there. Don't be in such a rush."

"I know. I let my desires get in the way. I was fucking horny. Sick of playing with myself. Fuck, I dunno how you do it. All the time I've known ya, and ya never once been with no one."

I sniggered. "I am happy with my fingers, they know me so well."

She laughed loudly. "No wonda you keep your nails short."

"It helps. Look, don't be in a rush, the right guy will come along eventually."

"Nah, I dunno, they all seem like arseholes."

"Aroha, there's a couple of new recruits started at the Station. They are pretty good looking boys. One's a Samoan, and he seems really nice. I could invite him out for dinner, you could talk to him."