It Doesn't Hurt to Look

"How long? How long can you go before you again want that experience? I am sure you do love making love with me but now that you had that experience, and I am sure some was great and some not so great, you will want it again. Were they all circumcised? If not will you want to try an uncut cock? Where they all white? Will you want to try a black guy? Blond hair? Red head? Short, tall, fat, thin? So many different men out there, so many different cocks. When will enough be enough?

"Paula, right now I am drinking some expensive Tequila. Cost me a bundle but since I only sip it and don't mix it for Margarita's and I don't drink it that often I figure I can afford it. Damn if I am ever going back to cheap well drink Tequila again. My fear is that will be the same for you and your big cocks. You got a taste, no pun intended, so why would you go back to average generic cock? You wouldn't."

'I love you! I wouldn't leave you!"

"I didn't say you would. Of course you would stay. I am reliable, I have a great job, and I have our house and cottage. You wouldn't give that up even if it means occasionally settling for my average cock. What I am saying is you wouldn't want to give up your top shelf cock. You will just be more careful to not get caught. I have no desire to share you. I don't have the time or money or strength to constantly follow you and check your every move, text, or email. I don't want to have sex with you. Even if you are clear of all STD's, by the way you should get checked you know I won't put my dick where theirs has been. So what kind of marriage or life is that? It's not a marriage and it's not a life. That is why I am asking for a divorce."

I finished my drink, grabbed my car keys, and walked to the door.

"I am going out for the night. I am not moving out and I am not asking you to move out. I just can't stay here with you tonight."

"Please stay Dave! Lets talk, please. I don't want to be alone!"

"Paula right now I am losing my mind. I need to be alone and think. If I stay I will say things I will probably regret. Just let me go tonight, please. I will be back tomorrow. But I do think we need a few days to calm down. Go to your sisters, go some place. Just don't be here when I get back tomorrow."

I went to a local brew pub that I really don't frequent that often so I was certain I wouldn't run into anyone I knew and the odds would be in my favor I would be left alone. I ordered a pint of IPA and just stared at nothing in particular. I was pissed, I was angry, and I was confused. Divorce really felt like my only option. What she did to me I felt needed to be punished. But why did I have to lose? I mean to me this was like a win and lose situation. She had won. She had her fling and I remained faithful yet when we divorce I feel I lost. I lose half of what I earned and posses and I will end up alone. She would be alone but lets face it she will get all the male attention she wants and still walks away with half of everything. She still comes out on top. But I couldn't stay. I know she will kill herself trying to win me back but in my frame of mind I would push her away. We would be miserable.

About my third drink I then had another thought. A lot of my feelings and issues are because of my insecurities. If I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she is done chasing cock I still have issues with ever having sex with her again. I was Paula's first. I was all she had. As far as she knew I was a great lover and very satisfying. Now that she experienced others I am afraid I no longer "measure up". If we ever make love again what would she think? But when we divorce what will I be faced with? I am still young and would want to again be with another woman. But come on, unless I happen to meet a woman who became a nun at 14 and just left the convent the day she met me I am not going to find another virgin ever again. So if I could meet and have sex with another woman my age whose obviously has had several lovers or several husbands why then couldn't I ever again have sex with Paula? Why does sex with Paula now feel revolting to me? Why is she now damaged goods yet I could probably have sex with a woman who has kids but now finds herself single?

Suddenly the thought of counseling sounded good but rather than marriage counseling I may need a shrink to address my issue. I would still go through with a divorce, as that would address my need for punishment. Divorcing her would be a big blow to Paula and that would give me some satisfaction. But I needed to see someone to work out if a later reconciliation would ever be possible. If I can get passed this block about sex with her maybe we can start all over fresh by dating and see if we still click? I will have to start researching psychologists tomorrow. But for now I need to get a room and get some sleep. There were plenty of places to stay so I just stopped in the first one I came across, a Holiday Inn Express, and got a room for the night. It was then that I realized I didn't even pack a bag. No big deal, I just crashed as is.

The next morning I went home. Paula's car was not there so I guess she had left. When I went in all looked the same until I went into the kitchen to make coffee. On the table was a bottle of Don Julio Tequila, her laptop smashed to pieces, and a note. The entire note said was " I love you more than you know. I am more sorry than you could imagine. I never wanted to lose you. I am staying at my sister Chris's house to give you space. She now knows what I did and said I disgust her but being sisters she will take me in until Sean returns from his business trip in Mexico. When you are ready please call and tell me I can come home. "

Sean, Chris's husband, is a hotheaded Irishman. No way he would let Paula stay there once he hears the news and frankly I am afraid what he may do if she is there when he arrives.

I called a psychologist and made an appointment for the following week. I had yet to call or talk to Paula. We had an introductory talk and he knew exactly what I was trying to express. He offered no promises but said if I like we could continue our "talks" and see if this is something we want to pursue. Long term. I don't know why but at this point all I could feel is that I had nothing to lose so I agreed. I then called Paula and asked her to come home.

When Paula arrived she looked tired, scared, yet hopeful. I explained that the divorce action would continue and I told her why. She cried, she raised her voice, she explained she would forever be faithful, but I told her it was something I felt I had to do and why. She became angry and again said I was basing this all on my ego and insecurities. She became more upset when I told her she was absolutely correct! It was all about me and my feelings and my insecurities. I explained I felt that it was something I had to do and it was the only way forward. I still had issues trusting her and I still saw no way I was going to have sex with her.

She still didn't understand and through tears asked why I called her to come home.

"Paula, last week I decided that even though I think you have issues I also have issues. I do want to be with you and I want to be married to you but until I can find out a way to once again trust you and once again be able to be intimate with you our marriage is dead regardless of a divorce decree. I have met with a psycologist and I have agreed to meet on a weekly basis. If he can help me learn to forgive, to trust, and to get past what we are calling my insecurities then we can move forward and start all over. We can date each other, we can once again have sex, and then we can even remarry. But if I find I can't put this all in the past then we are done and we have to move on."

"You're seeing someone? You think you are the one with issues, not me?"

"Yes, and no. Yes I am seeing someone for help. Yes, I have issues, No, I think you also have issues and maybe you should seek help. I think you talking to someone; a professional trained in these types of things wouldn't hurt. It will help you to really understand and know if you are really over this obsession with sex with others or not."

"I don't have an obsession, I told you why I did it and it's done!"

"OK, Fine, maybe it was a poor choice of words but you know what I mean. For now, we will live together, the divorce will continue, and we will take it one day at a time while I continue to work with my psychologist."

"But I want to again remind you that we will be divorced but even though that means you and I are free to date others if either of us does then we as a couple are done for good. No way can we work to salvage our relationship if one or both of us dates others."

"Dave, I have no intention of dating anyone but you. Are you saying you want to date others? You want some kind of revenge sex?"

"No! I am just bringing it up, as it is a deal breaker. I intend to do everything I can to get us back to some good place in our relationship and I expect the same from you. Just saying you are sorry isn't enough."

Paula understood and moved her things into one of the spare bedrooms while I slept in the master bedroom.

EPILOG

For six months we existed as roommates. We were cordial to one another and she tried her best to shower me with attention and love. I had to tell her several times to back it off as she was over doing it and I couldn't take her saying "I'm sorry" every minute. She tried to get me to have sex with her but I told her I wasn't ready. One night she did sneak into my bed and cuddled up to me naked and started stroking my cock but when I couldn't get an erection and I finally told her to stop she broke down crying and as she ran out of the room I thought I heard her say "what have I done".

This continued until it was almost a year to the date of my "discovery" when I told her it wasn't going to work. I told her she could blame by male ego and insecurities or she could blame herself for the cheating. No matter what the reason it wasn't working. We could be friends but we couldn't be lovers. I was going to move out. As part of the divorce we had agreed to sell the house and split the profit 50/50. I was going to use my share to buy a condo out of state. I had made arrangements with my work where I could be a remote worker. That is someone who can work from home as long as there was Internet access and phone service. I wasn't running away, or maybe I was, but I couldn't stay here. Too many memories, too many people to ask questions, too great a chance I would see Paula.

She took it hard. She called me a quitter and again started with the "I have been faithful sense, I wouldn't do it again, and if you love me why can't you have sex with me." She even suggested I just treat her like a whore and wear a condom and just fuck her. I told her to listen to herself and what she just said. Is that a loving wife? Is that what we have become that I am to just fuck you like a whore? I don't know if that registered with her or not but she stopped crying, grabbed her purse and left. I think she drove to her sisters as in the week it took me to pack up my stuff and move to my new condo I never saw her. I had found a place in New Hampshire the week before and the owners agreed to a rental agreement with the option to buy once my house sale was completed.

I am not at peace with myself and I do feel badly for Paula. She had some sick moment of weakness and found out much too late the damage it had caused. I feel badly about myself, and my inability to let this pass, and heal the wounded marriage rather than let it die as it had. I wish it wasn't like this but unfortunately it is who I am and as hard as I tried to change I just couldn't.

Sometimes I guess it does hurt to look.