It Never Works

We returned to the discussion of my emotional needs that Bryan wasn't fulfilling, but I just couldn't see any that he didn't fulfill. I knew that I really wanted to find the reason, and I knew that Bryan was a great husband. I still didn't know why I cheated.

With all my euphoria, I hoped Bryan would start communicating with me in our group session. However, the only change there was the size of the flags. They kept getting bigger, and he kept walking out.

Five weeks into counseling, Bryan was still walking out. I had a collection of white flags that I so wanted to burn. The kids had been living with me the whole time but, this Friday, they would go to their father's place to stay for the weekend. I baked a cake to take with them. Yes, I had a motive; lemon cake was one of Bryan's favorites.

My phone rang and, when I looked, I saw that Bryan was calling. Small glimmers of hope filled my heart as I pressed the 'answer' button.

"Bryan?" I said, a little shaky.

"Janice? This is Bryan... I want to know if I could keep the kids till Monday night since I am off Monday?"

My heart raced as I heard the warm tone in his voice. I smiled for the first time in ... I don't know how long ... and started to answer him, "Bryan, I don......".

CRASH.....

I heard a window break in the front room. I gasped and hurried to see what had happened.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I screamed at the large black man who had just stepped through the broken window.

"YOU GOT ME FIRED YOU FUCKING SLUT!!!" Jarome screamed.

I yelled, "Get out, get out, get out!!" Then he grabbed me.

Chapter three

Bryan's Story:

After the unexpected, unreasonable and unjustified arguments started by Janice, I decided to talk to my dad about the situation. My father referred me to a friend of his, who told me that my wife was likely having an affair. I actually laughed at him.

My dad was a detective for the sheriff's department. His friend was a P.I.

After a few beers and some laughs, we made a friendly wager. We wagered that, if he investigated Janice and didn't find anything, he would treat the four of us to a nice seafood dinner at Red Lobster. If she was cheating, I had to pay his bill. The rates were not all that expensive, so I agreed, and told him just how much I loved Red Lobster.

We came up with a plan to allow Janice to have some time to herself. I told her that I was going out of town for the weekend.

Afterwards, I felt awful about lying to my wife. I went home on Friday night to apologize for deceiving her. She wasn't there, of course.

I stayed at the house all night Friday and all morning Saturday, calling her several times and asking her where she was. She blatantly lied to me. Finally, I couldn't stand to be in the house any longer. I felt sick knowing that she was, almost certainly, cheating on me. I took clothes and some personal items and went to stay at my dad's house in his guest room. I didn't tell anyone where I was staying.

I had Janice served with divorce papers on Wednesday.

Janice fought the divorce tooth and nail, telling her lawyer that it was a stupid mistake. I kept pushing the divorce forward. Finally, the judge signed an order forcing me into counseling for three months. I had to attend, or else go to jail for contempt of court.

So, I went to counseling. The order didn't say I had to participate. When I saw Janice for the first time since her fling, I remembered why I fell in love with her. She was my world for several years. The mother of my children.

I played it cold and cruel. My heart was still broken from when I discovered that, not only was she cheating on me but, I couldn't compete with the likes of him. I decided to surrender without a fight. I was a beaten man. The feeling of despair would last for a while.

Candis, our therapist, had suggested that I talk with Janice, provided I could keep a civil tongue in my head. I was supposed to pick up the kids after school and have them for the weekend, so thinking of Candis' advice, I drove to the house early hoping to speak with Janice and clarify some things. After all, we hadn't really talked since I discovered her affair.

I called her just before arriving at the house, not wanting to sneak up and catch her with someone else.

The telephone conversation was going well, until I heard the sound of glass breaking and Janice screaming. I guess some sort of protective instinct kicked in, because I floored the accelerator and pulled into the driveway seconds later.

I saw the broken window. After opening the glove box and grabbing my taser, I charged into the house. I heard Janice scream and saw Jarome shove her violently to the floor. I grabbed his arm before he could hurt her any more, and swung him around and into a wall. He turned and threw a punch, but I shoved the taser to his chest and activated it.

Jarome screamed and dropped to the floor, kicking and jerking as he fell.

I held the taser to his throat and told him, "One more move mother-fucker and I won't stop till the batteries die."

I could hear sirens and realized that one of the neighbors must have called 911.

With Jarome neutralized, I looked for my wife and saw her face down on the ceramic tiles. She wasn't moving and I saw a lot of blood.

Chapter four

4 weeks later:

I was sitting on that damn little love seat in Candis' office. I was more relaxed, and in a better mood, than I had been for several weeks.

"How is she?" Candis asked with deep compassion in her voice.

"The same. She is still in a medically induced coma. The swelling in her brain hasn't come down. We're still waiting. I will be going back to the hospital after I get done here."

"Kids?" Candis asked.

"Still back and forth with my and her folks. I get to see them for a while at the hospital. We are getting along well. They are taking it better than I thought they might."

"Did you go to his arraignment?" Candis asked with a bit of a scowl.

My smile answered the question. "You know I couldn't miss it."

She shook her head. "What did you tell the judge?"

If it was possible, my smile got bigger. "I simply told her that I wouldn't mind, at all, if she let him out on bail, or even on his own recognizance."

Candis threw her head back and laughed. "What did she say?"

"She said that she would hold him, without bail, and speed up the trial. For his own safety."

"Are you going to forgive Janice?" she asked.

I had been going to these sessions ever since she was attacked. In my mind, I knew my wife was going to make it. I refused to see it any other way. However, it had been over a month.

"I've told you that I would let both of you know, together." I said, not looking at Candis.

Candis knew the answer. She was toying with me.

Then I said, "I've started praying. Telling god that Janice could fuck anyone she wanted, anytime she wanted, if he would just bring her back to me, to us."

"Bargaining?" Candis asked.

I ignored her question and said, "You know we have a lot to work through to save our marriage. It was more than just the affair. I have to know why she did it. I have to know how to make sure it can never happen again. I have to make damn well sure that.......," I stopped again. I had done this a few times, as the emotions of what might happen in future would hit me. I wouldn't ever let them go.

"Bryan, what if she doesn't recover?"

"THAT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN...... SHE WILL GET BETTER AND SHE IS COMING HOME. WHETHER WE ARE TOGETHER OR NOT...." I said fervently. I wouldn't change my mind. I made sure Candis knew that. She had been trying to prepare me for the possibility that Janice may not come back, but I wouldn't even consider that outcome.

A little annoyed, I headed back to the hospital after the session with Candis. How dare she make me think that my wife isn't going to pull through? I drove to the hospital and headed to her room, walking with purpose.

As I passed the nurse's station, however, one of the nurses called out to me. As soon as she had, all activity in and around the station immediately stopped. I looked at the nurse and saw her sad expression. My lips started to quiver, then my chin, then I could feel the tears start to drip from my eyes. I felt as if my heart was being squeezed. Then everything went gray.

Chapter five

What now:

For the next several months, it was like I was walking through a gray mist. I hugged the kids often and held on to them as tightly as I could. They were the only real things in my life for a while.

I remembered there was a funeral. There were services after, or were they before? Did it matter?

I remembered that Jarome pled guilty to second degree murder and was sentenced to a mandatory fifteen years in a federal prison. They would not tell me which facility.

I moved from my dad's place back to our family home, so that the kids would have some stability in their lives.

The grandparents wanted to spend every weekend with the kids. I made them take turns every other weekend, and I had the third one to myself.

I managed to establish a pattern. Each weekday morning, I got the kids up and ready for school, got them fed, and drove them to school. After school, I picked them up, took them home, fed them, and helped with their homework. Then we would talk some and watch television until bed time.

One day as I pulled into the school lot, the security guard snapped at me, asking what the hell I was doing there. I snapped right back at him, "I am taking my kids to school fuckwit. What the hell else would I be doing here?"

Then he asked, "On Saturday???"

I remembered going to work each weekday, but not being able to do anything. It was a good thing I owned the business, and that I had some pretty sharp guys helping me run it. They did a good job keeping it together until I could get a grip on myself.

What hurt most was that I hadn't got to tell Janice I still loved her. I hadn't got to tell her that I had forgiven her, and that we could get past it. I just needed to hold her, once more, and tell her that she was forgiven. I was very angry with myself, because I had not told her that the affair was as much my fault as hers. I felt that I had failed her.

As time passed, each day seemed to go a little easier. Then, out of the blue, we would miss her like crazy and things would be tough again for a while.

I started working out at a gym, taking my anger out on the barbells and ... it helped.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.

I woke up one day and saw that my thirteen-year-old daughter Cindi and my fifteen-year-old son Jess were turning into fine young adults. Their mother would have been so proud.

*

Thank you for reading

R. Lee Benton