It's My Life

Shelby giggled uncomfortably and Jen said, It's a winner. Next!"

And on it went for countless outfits and countless stores. My credit card was smoking after all of the use. They wouldn't let me walk out of the mall in my sweats, so I had to wear one of the new outfits. I swear that was their excuse to make me buy shoes and new socks too.

We stopped at Maggiano's for lunch and June said, "This is my treat guys. He's been such a sport and I've had too much fun playing dress-up with him."

They all laughed at my discomfort and called me their Ken doll for the rest of lunch. If I were forced to say it, I did enjoy the day with them, regardless of the expense.

****

I walked into my house, arms loaded with bags of new clothes and shoes. I looked at my closet and started pulling out all of the Ill-fitting clothes and replaced them with the new duds.

I did the same with my socks and underwear. Then went my t-shirts. I put it all into bags and would give the lot of it to Goodwill.

I took that opportunity to make a completely fresh start. I took all of the pictures of Cara down, removed any decoration I didn't like, and I bagged up the clothing she left behind to give to Goodwill as well. It was time to purge my old life.

When all was said and done, I had six bags of clothes and just as many garbage bags of blankets, linens, and towels. I frowned realizing I would have to go shopping again to replace the items I didn't like.

The oddest thing happened at the store. A lady bumped into me with her cart and asked me out.

"Sorry, about that. Are you okay?"

I looked up and saw a cute red-head in her thirties. I smiled and said, "I think I'll live."

"Good, I'm Amy."

"Hi, I'm Gerald. Nice to get run over by you."

She laughed and said, "That's quite a cart full. Did you and the wife get a new house?"

I smirked and said, "Subtle." She blushed. "No, the opposite. I'm newly divorced and I've purged the house of everything I didn't like, which turned out to be all of my linen closet."

She laughed and said, "Well, I need to run. How about you take my number so we can talk about your linen closet some more." She winked and took my proffered phone to enter her number. She called herself and stored mine as well.

"Nice to meet you, Gerald."

"You too, Amy."

I smiled as I watched her wiggle away. She had a great butt and her gray leggings left nothing to the imagination. She winked at me after turning and catching me watching her.

I sent a group text to my friends: "We have a serious problem. I got a girl's phone number but have no idea how to date anymore."

Craig texted: "Yes! Everyone meet at my house for dinner. We'll get you straight, Ger."

I honestly think he was more excited to have an excuse to cook steaks and drink. He liked to show off and landscaped his yard, especially for entertaining.

****

Craig was a large man. He was a couple of inches shorter than my 6' 2" and weighed well over 200 lbs. He and Shelby were complete physical opposites as she was short and petite. I never got the attraction there. Maybe he was thinner when they met?

When I got there, Shelby was making side dishes and Craig was starting the grill. We were close so it was normal to walk into the backyard rather than go through their front door. That's where I found Craig sweating over the coals.

"Hey, man!" He shouted in his boisterous way.

I set the beer I brought into the waiting cooler and shook his hand.

"So, you're so old you forgot how to take a girl on a date, huh? No wonder the old lady left you."

"Craig!" Shelby shouted as she brought him the seasoned steaks.

"I was just kidding, babe. Relax."

"Yeah, I don't have the first clue about dating anyone. It's got to be different than it was twenty years ago when I met Cara."

"It's totally different, man," he said. "Chicks don't have third date rules or order salads anymore. That shit's gone with the wind."

Shelby glared at him and I could tell she was mad. She must've been wondering the same as I was about how he knew so much. They were married almost four years and dated for four before that.

"Don't listen to him, Gerald. The women today are the same as they were twenty years ago. We just want a little romance, flowers, a nice dinner, maybe a movie or dancing. It's all the same."

I nodded as the grill flared up behind Craig.

"Shit," he bellowed and started spritzing the coals with a nearby water bottle.

She smirked at me as she walked into the house.

"Grab me a Shandy, would ya?" He asked.

I handed him the beer and he said, "Don't listen to her sappy bullshit. Girls want a strong, confident guy. If you show up with flowers, she's gonna think you're a pussy. Wine her, dine her, and sixty-nine her."

He laughed as I shook my head. If it weren't for Shelby, none of us would associate with someone like him. He was too juvenile for my liking and much too crass.

****

After dinner, the ladies all gave their ideas of how I should handle Amy. They agreed that I should call her the next day to ask her out. They also agreed that dinner and drinks would be a nice first date as it would allow us to get to know each other.

It made sense to me. You can't talk during a movie and a first date is definitely get to know one another territory.

"Tell us about the hottie, Ger," Craig said cutting Shelby off as she was asking about how I met her. "Does she have a smoking bod, or what?"

"She's cute. A red-head with a nice figure. She had a great smile and to answer how we met, she hit me with her shopping cart."

The ladies giggled and nodded to each other.

"Classic," June said. "What a perfect way to see if he's interested in you."

"How's that?" Bill asked, reading my mind.

"Well, if you hit a guy with your cart and he isn't mad, he likes you."

The guys groaned and the ladies laughed.

"The new look works for you, Gerald," Bill said deftly changing the subject.

"I think I'm gonna grow the sides in," I said looking at Jen. "I feel like I look like the devil with this new look."

"I think you look sexy and apparently so did Amy," Jen said making the girls laugh again. I was decidedly uncomfortable.

****

"Hi," Amy said quietly. "It's not a good time. Can I call you back?"

"Sure," I answered, and then the beeps of the call ending sounded.

It was the following morning and I called Amy to ask her out. I guess Sundays are busy for everyone--well, not me.

It was a few hours before she called back.

"Sorry, Gerald. I was walking into church with my Mom."

"No problem." I took a deep breath, hoping to expel my nerves. "I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me this week?"

Whew! I got it out without stuttering through it.

"Yeah. I know a place that has decent food and karaoke on Saturdays."

"Sounds good. You can't make me sing though."

She laughed and said, "I can offer some fun incentives to make you sing. I'll meet you Saturday at eight."

I was surprised at her abruptness and her choice of restaurant. It was quite a ways away. Then she also wanted to meet me there rather than have me pick her up. I guessed dating was different in the '20s.

****

Saturday at six, all of the wives were standing in my bedroom arguing about what I was going to wear. I was freshly showered and shaved and Jen insisted on doing my hair. I was against it, but I was never able to recreate what she did in her salon, so I relented.

I sat on my bed and watched Shelby pull out all of the new clothes they made me buy. Ultimately, they decided on black jeans and the lavender shirt Shelby picked out.

"Okay! Get out so I can get dressed."

They giggled and went to help themselves to a glass of wine before my final inspection.

I thought I looked good and I passed their inspection because they gave me wolf-whistles.

"If I wasn't married, you wouldn't be leaving the house," June said, making the girls laugh.

I felt good at the compliment. I thought it was genuine and I was hoping Amy felt the same about my appearance.

"Any last-minute advice, ladies?"

"Be yourself," they said in unison and laughed.

"That's all I ever am," I said.

Shelby was the first to stand. "I need to get going."

"Aw," the others said.

"Sorry. Craig will be home from golfing soon and I need to get dinner started."

She kissed my cheek and said, "Amy is a lucky woman." I watched her walk away and thought that she seemed sad. I'd be sad too if I had to go home to Craig.

The others said goodbye and followed her out.

****

I pulled up to the restaurant Amy was meeting me at and I was surprised to see it was a bar. The name of the place was right, "Scruffy Mongrel". What a dumb name for a bar.

She was there already and looked nice in tight jeans and a sweater.

"Hi, handsome," she said as I reached her table.

"Hi back," I said as I sat. "Interesting place you picked."

"Yeah? It's got good food and I love the karaoke."

We ordered our burgers at the bar and brought our drinks to the table.

"Do you live near here?" I asked.

"Not really. I live in Barrington."

"Oh? I figured this was close to home for you."

She smiled and said, "I used to come here a lot for the karaoke and I miss it."

I nodded and sipped my beer.

"So, Gerald? What happened to make you a single man?"

I sighed but I should have expected the question.

"Well, long story short my wife decided to live like a hippie in a commune."

"No shit?"

"Yeah. She always had some out-there ideas about the environment and planetary resources. I guess she found what I didn't know she was always looking for."

She frowned and said, "I'm sorry, but I'll tell you one thing; tonight, I'm gonna make you forget her."

She sipped her wine and raised her eyebrows.

After some average burgers, the singing started. She was picked to sing first and chose to sing "You Make Lovin' Fun."

She was very good and I felt like she was singing to me until a man walked up to the stage and blew her a kiss. Then she devoted her eye contact to him.

After the song, she kissed the guy on the cheek and shook her head when he said something. He looked my way and said something that made her laugh. I thought the whole interchange was strange.

"What did you think?" She asked as she sat down.

"You were good. You know that's a cheating song?"

She smirked and said, "Huh? I thought it was about her dog." We laughed and waited for the next song.

She had her back to the stage as I watched a man walk up and grab the microphone. He was looking right at me when he started singing "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.

When he sang the first words, "Right now," he was staring at me and Amy spit her drink across the table. She spun around and said, "Fuck!"

She got up and ran out of the bar. I watched through the window as she got in her car and drove away. I looked at the stage and the guy was smiling at me and pulled his thumb across his neck like he was telling me he was gonna slit my throat.

I didn't want to find out if he was serious so I threw a fifty on the bar and hustled out.

When I pulled into my driveway, I got a call. It was Amy.

"Sorry about running off on you, Gerald."

"What the hell happened?"

"Um, that guy was my husband. He's supposed to be in Chicago at the Sox game."

"Husband!" I shouted. I couldn't believe my first date was married and she hit on me first!

"Gerald? I Uh..."

"Delete my number, Amy. Goodbye."

Jesus! I guess I got lucky that he didn't follow me into the parking lot. So much for my first post-divorce date.

****

The next day I had to fill everyone in on my nightmare. The guys laughed at me. Craig was the biggest ass and told me, "You should've fucked her. Married chicks are easy pussy."

I wondered how he knew that?

The ladies were kind and each gave me the same "don't give up" message. I figured it would be a long time before I had another date. The only reason I had that one was that she came on to me.

It turned out I wouldn't have to wait long at all.

I was in line at the grocery store a few weeks later and saw a cute lady my age. I looked at her hand and didn't see a ring so I figured I'd try to get her number. I wasn't confident I could but I thought it would be good practice.

"Nice melons," I said and instantly regretting using a cheesy line like that. That's something an ass like Craig would say.

She looked at her cantaloupes and smiled. "Thanks. They're on sale."

"I wasn't talking about those," I said with a forced smile. The cashier laughed but I knew he was laughing at how stupid I was. Then I saw the look of disgust on her face and quickly said, "I'm sorry. I'm new to the whole asking someone out game. I'm not a pig, really."

She silently sized me up and decided I wasn't a complete ass, surprisingly. "You're cute when you're embarrassed," she said. "My name's Kathy."

"Gerald."

"It could've been worse, Gerald. The last guy that hit on me told me my jeans really shined."

I didn't get it and then it dawned on me. "Ah! He could see himself in them."

She laughed and said, "Boy, you are new to this. Recently divorced, I take it?"

"It's that obvious, hm?"

"Well, you're a good-looking guy with no ring and definitely no pick-up game. It's either that or you were a priest."

I laughed and as she paid for her groceries, I asked, "So, how about you take pity on a poor guy with no game and let me take you out for dinner?"

The cashier said, "What do you got to lose, lady?"

We both laughed at the smiling interloper.

"Okay. She pulled a business card out of her purse and handed it to me. "Give me a call and we'll talk about it. See you around, Gerald."

I stared at her nice butt as she walked away.

"Cute lady," the cashier said. "Let me know if she has a daughter, okay?"

We both laughed as I paid for my groceries and walked away.

****

"Do you think she was cheating on you?" Kathy asked when I told her my story. I had gathered the courage to call her a couple of days later.

"No. Well, maybe, but I really don't think so. She was never that sexual of a person. I believe that she just wanted to live her hippie lifestyle."

She laughed. "I didn't think that kind of thing existed anymore. Seems too '60s, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. Believe me. So how come you're single. A pretty girl like you, I'd expect to have a line at her door."

"I just got divorced too. He cheated on me and I dumped him. I needed a fresh start, so I packed up and moved up here from Springfield. At thirty-three, I have to start over. Can you believe that?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I think I can relate."

At that moment my doorbell rang.

"Kathy, let me call you back. Someone's at the door."

We said goodbye and I found a crying Shelby on my doorstep with a suitcase.

"Shelby! What happened?"

She hugged me and started sobbing.

"He's been cheating on me. Craig got a co-worker pregnant."

She was like Jell-O in my arms.

"Come in, let's get you settled."

She walked in and I picked up her suitcase. It was very heavy and I wondered what she had inside.

"I'm sorry, Gerald. I have nowhere else to go."

I was about to tell her that Jen and Mike or June and Bill would be glad to take her in.

"I can't go to Jen or June because Mike and Bill knew about her. Those bastards didn't tell me he was cheating on me. He's been with this one for six months. Six months! I mean, I suspected something but I never had proof."

It was surprising, but I knew something wasn't right with them for a while.

"You said 'this one'. Were there others?"

"He told me he's always had someone on the side. He's never been faithful to me."

She started bawling and I hugged her. God! She felt good in my arms. I shook those thoughts away and consoled her.

"You can stay here as long as you need. If you need help with a lawyer, I can give you my guy's card. I assume you want a divorce."

She pulled back and glared at me. "Of course! I'm not staying married to a serial cheater. I...I..."

"Shh, it's okay. I'm sorry I said it. Come on. I'll take your bag and get you set up in the guest room. It's got an en-suite bathroom so you'll have all the privacy you'll need."

"Thank you, Gerald. I'm sorry to be a burden."

"Nonsense. You're no burden at all. I've seen how little you eat, remember?"

She slapped my shoulder playfully and laughed. Her laugh was music to my ears. "Jerk."

I put the bag in her room and said, "I'll see you downstairs when you're ready."

She hugged me and said, "Thank you, Gerald."

I kissed her cheek and left her to get herself settled. I called Kathy back and explained what happened to her.

"So, you're going to let this woman stay with you?" She said with a bit of snark.

"I don't see how I have a choice. She's a friend and she needs me. I have to help her."

"Is she pretty?"

"Wow! You're jealous already huh?" I laughed which made her laugh too.

"I sound so stupid, don't I? I'm sorry, of course, you should help your friend. Will your friend be jealous if we go out on a date?"

I laughed and said, "I highly doubt it. Don't worry about her, she's too young for me. How about we have dinner tomorrow, say seven-ish?"

She hesitated, I thought it was a bad sign.

"Sure. I'll text you my address and see you at seven."

As we ended the call, Shelby came down.

"Gerald, do you have towels and washcloths? I'd like to shower and go to bed if that's alright?"

"Of course," I said. "The towels are in the closet in the hall, I'll show you."

"No, I'll get them. Thank you, again."

I heard her crying as she walked upstairs. I felt bad for her. She didn't deserve the pain that asshole husband of hers caused her. I couldn't believe he admitted to cheating on her so often. Then, I realized that Mike and Bill knew. I wondered how they knew and I didn't? Were they cheating on Jen and June?

I picked up my cell and called Mike.

"What's up, Gerald?" He answered.

"You bastards knew Craig was cheating on Shelby and didn't tell her? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Whoa! Take a step back, man. First of all, we knew because one of his conquests was my cousin Jenny. He didn't know we were related and when he showed up at the restaurant with her she saw me and brought him over. We were having dinner with Bill and June, and the look on his face was priceless when he realized he was busted."

"Jen and June knew too? Jesus! How dare you not tell Shelby?"

"We talked about it all night. We really struggled with it. We thought it best to not hurt Shelby and Craig promised us he'd never cheat again."

"Well, he did and now I've got a broken Shelby in my guest bedroom. I can't believe you didn't tell her. You're supposed to be friends, damn it!"

I ended the call and looked up to see Shelby crying in the stairway. "They all knew and didn't tell me?"

"I'm sorry, honey, I had no idea."

"Of course. You, out of all of the group, disliked Craig the most. I know you guys just put up with him because of me, and I always appreciated it."

She sat on the couch with a hard thud. I laughed and she asked, "What's so funny?"

"You fell onto the couch as if you were twice your weight. I thought it was funny, sorry. Can I get you a drink? Are you hungry?"

"No, I just want to lay down. I only came down to thank you and say Goodnight."

She rose and hugged me. "I appreciate you, Gerald. Thank you."

"My pleasure. Sleep well, Shelby."

I sat and wondered what was next in the soap opera of my life? My wife left me, I had a roommate all of a sudden, I had a horrible first date, I had a new date with another woman, I had friends that betrayed one of our group, and I had a new look I was still getting used to. What could possibly be next?

****

"Wow, you look great!" Shelby said the next night as I was getting ready for my date with Kathy. "She's a lucky girl."