All Comments on 'Jane's Happy Endings Ch. 01'

In a way, this is spoiled by too much repetition. For instance, in the first four short paragraphs you give Jane's name 20 times. This is not the only example of excessive repetition---there are plenty of other ways to get your message across. If you find it difficult to work around this, it might help if you can find a good editor to help you out.

Hopefully we will see another chapter real soon.

You have a great set up for the next part. One thing you could try, if you are using a program that lets you do “Find/Replace”. Type in the Main Character’s name, and see how many times it shows up in the story. Divide that number by 3 or 4 if it is a long story. Then, go back and see if you can change the use of the name until you only have it listed by the number you came up with. So, if the first run through, you came up with 66 uses of the name, try and cut it down to 22 using other words, or even leaving the name out.

Using the name too often can be distracting. It can break the flow of the writing.

Please, keep going, I can’t wait to read the next part!

pretty good I always like to read the message stories and hope for more soon

with some that name repetition can detract a bit from a story, it's not nearly as bad as losing track of who is saying what, and having to re-read things several times. If you do take the advice to use descriptions or omit names, just be sure that the readers know who is speaking. I personally have no problem with your presentation and you did substitute descriptions for names at times, so I don't think your to far off the mark.

Correct me if I'm wrong but is Jane the name of the MC? Ok. Jokes aside. To, almost, repeat the name in every second sentence does worsen the reading experience imo.

It is true though that there is no confusion about who is talking t a given time by doing it this way. Outside of conversations (and even during those) a simple pronoun or clean structure of a sentence can do a much better trick.

The story is good but the narritive is a bit mechanical (then this and then that). Room for improvement, thus the title.

well layed out story.

Really enjoyed. Thank you for sharing