Jay's Loelife Ch. 27

"Not quite the truth. They did come after me when I was in high school, though. My vlogging had taken off. They wanted money."

He rolls his eyes and looks past me, thinking, almost dwelling on something. His forehead furrows. "Have they reached out lately?"

"I haven't heard from them since I was emancipated. If they reached out, my team would have warned me. That's not something they'd try to hide. Why?"

He leans back. "No reason," he lies. There is definitely a reason. I can see it on his face and in the tension in his muscles. Mostly, I can feel it in my bones.

It's quiet for a while. I'm ‌at peace with the conversation. Then again, nothing in my life is being upturned. That happened two decades ago, and the disrupted soil has long since been raked and replanted, or whatever. Lars, well, he looks like he's in the middle of a mental crisis. I can see his memory flipping at lightning speed as he tries to process moments of his life that were never what they seemed.

Our meeting feels pretty dried up. Lars is so far in his head he might as well not be here. I've struggled with events in my life, and they were based on fact. I wonder how he'll reconcile his lies? He looks beaten. I know what it's like to lose your parents.

After ten minutes of silence, I tap the table with my fingers. "Maybe we should call it a day."

"We've barely talked."

"The word count doesn't quantify its impact."

He laughs humorlessly. "I suppose it doesn't." And then he asks, "Can we meet up again? There are so many questions. We've barely scratched the surface. I just need a minute to process everything. Maybe talk with Courtney. It's all a bit much, you know?"

"Oh, I know. I'm here for ten days and I'd like to make the most of it."

"How about tomorrow?" he asks. "I just need a night to sleep on this. I'd like to sort out my thoughts so we can have a better conversation. Everything up here—" he taps his temple, "—feels clogged up."

"I'll be here," I tell him, pointing up, towards the hotel rooms. "My only plans for the next ten days is what we're doing right now.

Lars smiles, and for the first time, he seems genuine. I saw a movie once, in sixth grade. There was no Earth and everyone lived on a planet where the sun only shines once every three years. The look on their faces when they feel the sun for the first time, it's the same expression on Lars' face. And just as quickly as the sun disappears in the movie, so does his smile.

"I've spent much of the last twenty years harboring immense guilt, like it was my fault you left. Wondering, what could I have done differently to make you stay?"

"I never would've left you."

Lars wipes tears away with the back of his hand. "I should have known that."

"I never would've left you." I repeat.

He wipes his cheeks again. "Not a day has passed that I haven't thought about you."

"I bet it will get worse before it gets better, for the both of us."

I stand and motion for him to do the same. I wrap my arms around him and he responds immediately, squeezing me back. My chest tightens and, for a moment, I'm seven again. He smells the same, and he hugs the same.

I thought it would be a quick hug, but it goes on and on. When he finally pulls away, my eyes are as wet as his. He wipes his cheeks with his sleeve and chuckles as if he's being ridiculous.

He's not ridiculous at all. I wipe my face, too.

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

Then he's gone, but there's a promise in tomorrow. Something I haven't felt in a long time. Not when he comes to my family.

I text Jay to see where he's at. His reply is instant in the form of him being by my side a few seconds later. He holds my shoulders, looking me over like he's checking for physical wounds. "How'd it go?"

"It's such a fucking shit show." I bury my face in his chest. "I can't help but think I dodged a .45 caliber bullet."

Jay is playing it cool, but he's buzzing. "How was it seeing your brother?" He wants so badly to know everything we talked about, but we're standing in the middle of a busy lobby, so he pulls my arm and leads me back to the room. We're barely in the door before he grills me like a sandwich. We couldn't have talked for more than ten minutes total, but I tell Jay what I learned, which isn't much and too much at the same time.

He fists his hands at his side. I'm worried he might punch a wall. "I can't believe them."

"Really?" I ask. "I mean, they fucking left me to rot. You think they'd tell Lars the truth?"

"Just 'cause it's not out of character doesn't mean it's not shocking. I have a feeling I'll be dead in the electric chair by the time we learn the extent of their insanity."

"They're the ones that need the electric chair."

Jay pulls me into one of his famous, everything's okay hugs. "I couldn't agree more."

****

I can't be cooped up in the hotel room. I need fresh air and wide-open spaces. Jay finds some bikes for us to ride and we hit the trail hard. He smiles all day, being Jay-kind-of-supportive despite my prolonged silence. Lars isn't the only one who needs to process everything.

The next morning, I have a message from Lars. Ever fished?

Well yeah. I've done all kinds of fishing from two weeks in Alaska to bass fishing with Mike Iaconelli. I don't tell him any of that.

Me: A few times. I'm down.

He gives me the location of a lake on the outskirts of town. Jay slips away to a coffee shop nearby. "Just a phone call away," he reminds me as he drops me off.

Lars brings everything we need; two poles and a tackle box. We sit side-by-side with our feet dangling off the dock. The awkwardness is still there, but it's not nearly as suffocating.

"What happened after we left?" he asks almost immediately. My eyes haven't adjusted to the sun reflecting off the water yet.

"It was Christmas, so I waited alone for a week before Isaac got home. Then I stayed with them."

"And then?"

"I bounced around a couple of foster homes while Mike and Julia fought to keep me. The first few years were a revolving door of social workers. Every time life felt normal, Mom and Dad would pop up and upheave my life. I emancipated myself to avoid them. Things got easier after that. I had honestly come to terms with what our parents did, though I don't think I ever came to terms with losing you, but our parents? Everyday they drift further and further away from my thoughts. I hardly think of them anymore."

"Would you change it if you could?"

"Does it matter?"

It's quiet.

"What about you? What was life like after I 'ran away'?"

The corner of his lip curls and he chuckles silently. "Miserable. I think I cried every day for a year. Maybe longer. Mom and Dad weren't the same after. As time passed, they got more and more distant. I thought it was because they missed you and I reminded them of you. Now I think it was self preservation."

"How often do you see them?"

Lars casts his line, letting it sail through the air before landing in the water with the smallest splash. "Almost never. Once I left for college, things changed. You ‌see things from a new perspective when you leave home. Things that seem normal—" He stares across the water. "Courtney's family is so opposite from mine that I felt uncomfortable around them for a while."

"I feel that. Jay's family is close. A little too in each other's business, if you ask me."

He looks at me and smiles. "It's a hard pill to swallow when you're not used to it, huh?"

"It doesn't help when they have their own weird dynamic going on and you happen to be dating the golden child."

"Eh, that sounds brutal." His line tugs and he starts reeling it in. "I think I got something."

He gets the fish close enough for me to net out, but not without incident. The damn thing almost pulls me off the dock. We're laughing when we finally get it where we want it. The rest of the afternoon is pretty relaxed between us.

"I know you stalked me," I say at some point. "I mean, the guys saw you at the open practice. And a friend of mine sat next to you during a game here in Arizona. I don't care, just curious really. How long have you been following me?"

His face heats‌ up. "We moved around a lot, mostly small towns in the Midwest. Didn't have the internet for a long time, not until my sophomore year in high school. Like I said, I was sheltered. Then I was accepted to the University of Arizona. A stark contrast to what I was used to. I think it was junior year when someone said I shared an 'uncanny resemblance' to Loe Patrick. I had no clue who that was, and I didn't give it much thought until someone showed me your profile."

"What was your reaction?"

"What was my reaction?" he says in disbelief. "You left me and then I find you're living this amazing life with our childhood best friends. It wrecked me.."

"And the fact that I ran away and yet I'm still friends with our best-friends from back home didn't make you think something was off?"

His jaw ticks. "When you say it like that..."

"Sorry." I chuckle. "I didn't mean to distract you. Finish telling me why you stalked me."

He narrows his eyes then smiles. "I refused to acknowledge you for a while. I hurt too bad. Then I met Courtney. She pushed me to reach out to you. I didn't have the courage for that. Despite your fame and fortune, I had too much guilt. But once I knew you existed, and I had access, I couldn't stop. I guess curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know everything about you."

"Do you think you would've reached out at some point?"

"I did. I reached out. I messaged you on Instagram. I don't remember what I said. It wasn't anything that would've stood out. But it was never read, so I took it as a sign."

I frown. "In my defense, I get a lot of messages every day. They get buried really fast."

"I figured it was something like that. I was going to reach out again, but then you started dating Jay and...it didn't feel right. I was sure you harbored terrible feelings towards me. Why else would you have left? What would you think if I reached out after you started dating Jay Petermeyer? There was no way you'd think my motives were innocent."

He's right. I would have questioned 'why now?'.

"I'm struggling with all this," he says. "It's like my whole life has fallen apart in the last twenty-four hours. At the same time, my whole life came together. I'm miserable and ecstatic. I'm filled with sorrow, but I can't stop smiling."

We sit on the dock and catch up about the small things until the sun becomes too much. He might be used to it, but I'm from the Pacific Northwest.

He offers to drop me off at the cafe. I decline but promise to meet up tomorrow. Once he's gone, I walk across the street to meet Jay. The afternoon sun gleams off the window, making it hard to see, but he's there, at a window seat, waving.

I hold the door open for an elderly couple. Once they're on the street, I walk in. It's fucking crowded. Jay is sitting by the window with a fan. He's happily chatting Jay's ear off. He seems nice. Cute even. Well dressed like he's at a job interview.

There are no extra chairs, so I stand next to Jay. He's been sitting here for hours waiting for me to finish up with Lars. I'm sure he wants to head out. I know I do. He smiles brightly. He can tell I had a good day. Better than yesterday. That makes him happy.

He puts his arm around my waist and gestures at the guy across from him. "This is Josh. He's a sports reporter for the Bleacher Report."

I put on my Loe Patrick hat and reach out to shake his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

He leans backwards and drapes his arm over the corner of his chair. "I'm trying to convince Jay to let me follow him. I'd like to document the transition from football superstar to everyday Joe."

I raise my brow. He's had lots of similar offers. He's declined because they can be intrusive on an already public life.

"I haven't promised anything."

Josh pulls a card from his wallet and hands it over. When Jay tries to grab it, the reporter doesn't let go. "Think about it. I'd love to follow you around."

I laugh to myself and silently tell this guy to get the fuck out. He did not just openly flirt with my boyfriend.

****

"Oh, he wants to follow you around for sure...right into your bed."

Jay looks at me with a humorous smile, as if I'm being ridiculous. "He does not. He's a legitimate reporter."

"Yeah, who happens to be queer and is drooling over your dick."

Jay ignores me and puts his feet on my lap instead. "Are you seeing Lars again?"

"Day after tomorrow. We want to do dinner, with all of us."

Jay grins and I know it's because I'm smiling. My happiness is his happiness.

****

The heat ripples in waves across the tarmac. I close my eyes and let the sun warm my face.

In ten short days, a piece of me, one that's been missing, has been restored.

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