Jenny & Josh Ch. 03

Perhaps the most interesting news was from Sarah, who had been planning a trip for her and Amanda for this next week. She had booked a trip to Miami, where they would board a cruise ship for the Bahamas. They would be gone all week, and the itinerary sounded both fun and relaxing. The trip had been planned for some time, but the timing was excellent, as anyone trying to figure out who the father of their children was (assuming that they did manage to get pregnant) would assume that it must have happened on the trip. Of course, there were no guarantees, but I gave Sarah my best effort, and intended to do the same for Amanda, starting this very evening.

While we ate, I studied Amanda, trying to get some impression of what her mood was like. She seemed happy, talking and laughing while we ate as she always did. I did find her watching me a couple of times, although she quickly looked away when I noticed. Was she nervous? Apprehensive? Expectant? I could not tell. For my part, I was nervous, although not the basket case I was before taking Sarah to my bed. Part of me was looking forward to this evening. How could I not? Amanda is a stunning beauty who would put many movie stars to shame.

On the other hand, I loved her as a daughter, and was worried about how she was going to react. Not only is she in a committed relationship with my daughter, Sarah, but less than half my age. I would have to have an ego the size of Montana to not be worried about how this beautiful young lady would view having sex with me. Finally, there had been hints about her early experience with boys, and how something bad had happened. Whatever it was, she had made no more attempts at dating guys. How would this trauma affect her tonight? How should I proceed, without even knowing about her past? As I reflected on this, the only conclusion that I came to was that I loved her. Whatever happened to her in the past, I would let my love for her guide me in helping her through this difficult situation. Hopefully, that would be enough.

After dinner, I helped Jenny with the cleanup, while Sarah and Amanda retreated to their room to prepare. After the dishes were done and the kitchen clean, I took my wife into my arms for a hug. Jenny is feeling better today, and looking forward to the weekend. Our anniversary is Sunday, and we have made plans to go out for the evening. Sarah and Amanda will not be leaving until Monday, so we will have them to watch the kids while we enjoy a quiet evening to ourselves. With our busy lives and the demands of family, it has been difficult to find time for just ourselves. My first marriage taught me a hard lesson about that, and I have no intention of making the same mistake this time around.

After a long hug, Jenny looks up into my eyes searchingly. "How are you feeling about this evening?" she asks. "You don't seem as nervous as you were with Sarah, understandably. Are you ready for Amanda?"

"Well, I am as ready as I can be. I am nervous, not knowing how she is going to react. You know her better than I do. Any advice?" I ask, looking at Jenny for any help that she might provide.

"No, other than just to be gentle, and patient, which of course you always are. You both love each other, and I am confident that love will carry you through this, just as it did with Sarah. Amanda loves you, more than you perhaps realize, otherwise she would have never agreed to this in the first place. Let her lead the way, and she may find that she gains more than just a baby out of your embrace. She needs healing, and you are the best one to offer that to her." Jenny says earnestly. I study her face for some sign of what she means by this, but she says no more.

We embrace and kiss, then go our separate ways. Jenny heads up to the girls suite, while I ascend the stairs to our bedroom. As I did for Sarah, I put on some quiet mood music, and light a few candles to provide a soft light. Once the room is ready, I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready. Dressed in a long robe, I return to the bedroom and wait for Amanda, not even sure that she will come.

My wait is not long, as I soon hear a soft knock on the door. I open the door, and find Amanda outside, waiting timidly. I invite her in, and close the door behind her. Amanda is also dressed in a robe, just as Sarah when she came to me a few days ago. Amanda walks over to the bed, but stands at the foot as if uncertain of what to do next.

"Amanda, there is no pressure here. You are free to stay or go as you please. Nothing will happen beyond what you wish to happen." I say, coming up behind her and laying a hand on her shoulder. She turns to me, her eyes filled with tears.

"I know. I want to be here. It's just..." she begins to say, then her voice fades away, her chin trembling. I hold out my arms to her, and she comes to me, wrapping her arms around me and sobbing openly into my chest. I hold her, stroking her hair, and do my best to sooth her. When at last she calms down, I lead her to the bed, where we sit at the foot. I wrap my arm around her, holding her close, and wait for her to speak.

"I'm sorry, I should be happy to be here, especially with you. You have been so good to me, when my own family disowned me. You have accepted me as I am, and welcomed me into your home and family. I have no reason to fear you, and every reason to feel safe with you, and yet here I am crying like a little girl!" I can see the anguish in Amanda's eyes. Her pain is real, and obviously deeply rooted.

"Amanda, you have called me Dad for these last three years, and I have been proud to accept that role from you. Perhaps it is time for you to trust me, and tell me about your past. I only know a little, as you have been reluctant to talk about your life before coming here. Whatever has happened, you can tell me. You don't have to keep it to yourself any longer." Amanda is looking into my eyes, searching for something. Whatever she sees, her expression changes. Her face and body relax, as if she has made up her mind, and is now determined to move forward. She stands up, and moves over to the right side of the bed, lying down with her head on the pillow. I move to the left side, and assume a similar position, facing her, but at a respectable distance. For a few moments, she is silent, her face mirroring her concentration, as if she is dredging up something from within.

"When I was sixteen, I began to date a boy who I met at school. His parents were friends of my parents, so there was no resistance from either side. We dated for most of our time in high school, and I fell in love with him. We did not have sex, as I believed in saving myself for marriage. He wanted to, but seemed to respect my wishes. We began to talk about getting married after we graduated, and our parents were supportive, so it seemed like my life was pretty much already mapped out. Graduate, get married, have kids, raise a family. Every girls dream." Amanda laughed at that last statement, a bitter laugh.

"Our senior year, things began to change. All of his friends were having sex with their girl friends, or at least said so, and were pressuring him about me. He began to change, becoming more demanding. He would tell me that if I really loved him, I would have sex with him. I tried to satisfy him other ways, letting him touch me, even giving him hand jobs, but he kept wanting more. I finally said no, telling him that I wanted to wait, to save it for my wedding night. I thought he accepted that, as he stopped pushing me. Then, one night...." her voice faded again, and I could see the pain etched on her face.

Reaching over, I stroke her cheek. "Go on, Amanda. You can tell me. You need to let this out."

Looking into my eyes, she seems to draw some strength from my gaze. "One night in the Spring, near the end of our last year in school, we went to a party together. He gave me a drink, what I thought was a Coke, but he must have put something in it. I started to feel woozy, almost like I was drunk, but different. I told him I didn't feel well, and asked him to take me home. He said that I would be fine, I just needed to lie down for a bit, and he took me to a bedroom. He laid me on the bed, and then started to undress me. I told him no, but I couldn't seem to resist. It was like a dream, where I was aware of what was happening, but couldn't do anything about it." Amanda paused, as if gathering her thoughts.

"He took off all of my clothes, stripping me completely naked. I could feel his hands on my body, touching me everywhere, and I kept telling him no, and that I wanted to go home. He just laughed, and told me that tonight he would get what he wanted. He took off his clothes, and..." Tears were now in her eyes, but I could see the determination as well. "He raped me. Not just once, but several times. I kept asking him why he was doing this, pleading with him to stop, but he just kept laughing, saying he was just taking what was his."

"When he finally finished, he stood over me showing me his blood stained penis, even rubbing it on my lips. I thought that it was finally over, and he would take me home. Instead, he left the room, coming back with his friends. Over the next few hours, his friends continued what he started, some taking me more than once. He watched the whole time, laughing, telling me what a good girl I was to be so nice to his friends. Finally, I passed out, whether from the drug or the pain, I don't know. When I awoke, I was still in the bed, and he was sleeping next to me. I got up, found my clothes and got dressed, and left, leaving him there." Now Amanda's eyes were not the only ones filled with tears, as her pain pierced my heart. Sensing that she was not yet through, I remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

"When I got home, I told my parents what had happened, and wanted to call the police. My father hit the roof, calling me a slut, telling me it was all my fault. He refused to call the police, saying that he would not have our family's good name sullied by his no good tramp daughter. When I cried, he slapped me, and sent me to my room. My mother came to me, and helped clean me up, scrubbing me clean. Only later did I realize that she was removing the evidence, so that I would have no proof if I did call the police. I hurt so much, I just stayed in my room for days. My mother would bring me food, but was too afraid of my father to do anything more. After that, my father rarely ever spoke to me, didn't even like looking at me."

"When I did go back to school, I could not avoid the boys who had done that to me, especially my boyfriend. In the days that I was gone, he didn't come by or call to check on me once, but when I came back to school, he expected me to go out with him again, like nothing had happened. He even told me that he expected now I would be more friendly, as he put it. When he kept at it, pushing me to go out with him again, I snapped. He was bugging me in the cafeteria at lunch one day, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I punched him in the face, hard, breaking his nose. With blood streaming down his face, he screamed at me, calling me a dirty little whore. I kicked him in the groin, sending him to the floor. I didn't stop there, and continued attacking him, breaking some ribs and shattering a bone in his face, before I was pulled off of him. He went to the hospital, and still bears scars to this day." Her face now shows the anger she must have felt that day.

"I was arrested, and charged with felony assault. My Karate training was a contributing factor in the sentence, and I was given two years, but thankfully in Juvenile Detention rather than adult prison. I finished school, getting my GED, and was released after one year for good behavior. My parents didn't visit me once during my detention."

"After I got out, I was given a scholarship to go to college, as part of my rehabilitation, where I met Sarah. We hit it off immediately, becoming friends and finally lovers. When I came back home and told my parents about Sarah, they threw me out, telling me never to come back again. That was the last time that I saw them, and we have not spoken since." Sadness has now replaced the anger in Amanda's expression.

"Not long after that, Sarah invited me to come to your house, and we met for the first time. I was so nervous that first meeting, wondering if you would react the same way my parents did. Instead, you hugged me the first time you saw me, and said I was welcome in your home." Amanda now stroked my cheek, her eyes no longer filled with tears. "You welcomed me, a stranger, into your home and family, and made me feel loved and accepted. My own father and mother threw me out, and rejected me when I needed them the most. Other than Sarah, I had no one. You will never know how much you have meant to me, these last three years. I have tried to tell you, but the words simply do not exist to express how I feel. All I can say is, I love you." Amanda is still stroking my cheek, and I feel that I should say something, but I am overwhelmed by her story. What can I say to heal the terrible hurt inflicted on this beautiful, loving young woman? I pull her to me, hugging her to my chest as if I can protect her, but my heart is breaking.

"Amanda, like you I have no words to express how I feel. The people you loved the most betrayed you, hurt you, and rejected you, and my heart cries out for your pain. All I can say is, I am here for you now, and I will never let anything like that happen to you again. I wish I could heal your pain, but I cannot. All I can do is give you a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to. I wish I could do more."

"You have already done enough. You have listened. You are the first one who I have told the entire story to. Not even Sarah knows it all. By listening, and understanding, and accepting, you have lifted a great weight from my soul. For the first time since that night long ago, I am at peace. Thank you, once again, for being here for me, for just being you. I love you, with all my heart, and am proud to call you Dad." Amanda spoke these last words while peering deeply into my eyes, and followed them with a kiss. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she threw herself into the kiss totally, taking my breath away. Putting my arms around her, I returned the kiss just as she was offering it to me, with all of the love that I felt for her welling up from my soul. I have kissed, and been kissed, many times, but never with the depth of love that we shared at that moment.

When at last our lips parted, Amanda looked at me with eyes now alive, shining with affection. Stroking my cheek once again, she studied my face as if trying to memorize every feature.

"Would it be OK if we just held each other for now? I feel as if a terrible burden has been lifted from my soul, but I am not yet ready to be intimate. I know you must be disappointed, but I just need some time to prepare myself." I can see the concern on her face, as if she is still worried that I will reject her, or worse, force my self on her.

"Amanda, I told you when you came to me that nothing will happen unless you wish it. If you wish to just cuddle, then that is what we will do. I love you unconditionally, and that means no pressure, no conditions." I reply. After her emotional tale, I am not exactly ready to jump on her anyway. Rising, I put out the candles, shut off the music, and pull back the covers. We both shed our robes, and crawl into bed. Like me, she was naked under her robe, and seems to not be self conscious about me seeing her body, or her having seen mine. Once we are under the covers, I lie on my back, and she snuggles up against me, with her head on my chest. I wrap my arm around her and hold her close.

"I had always imagined how my wedding night would be, with romance and tender love making, and lots of cuddling. That was taken from me by him. What happened to me that night was just the opposite, when he took me by force. There was no love, no tenderness, no romance. Since then, I have felt dirty and abused. Sarah offered my love and tenderness, which is why I fell in love with her. I had never been attracted to girls before, or at least had never thought about it, but with Sarah I found peace and acceptance. She never tried to force me, was very patient and loving. I see now that she is much like you." Amanda says in the darkness.

"She deserves to know the truth." I reply. "She loves you, and will always love you. Knowing the truth will only strengthen her love. Part of being a couple is being open with each other. I understand why you have kept this to yourself all this time, but I think now you realize how therapeutic it can be to unburden yourself."

"Yes, you are right, of course. I was always afraid if you knew the truth, not only about the rape, but my criminal record, that you would reject me. My ego was too fragile, my self esteem to low, to chance telling you the truth. I know how close your family is, and how you are always there for each other, but my own family rejected me. I valued your's and Sarah's love too much to take the risk. Until now. Now, perhaps for the first time, I understand what it means to be a family." Amanda says, still hugging me close. I return the hug, kissing her on top of her head.

"We all have skeletons in our closet, things in our past that we are ashamed of. No one is perfect. That is what it means to be a family. We accept each other, faults and all. Love is the glue that binds us together, and love makes a powerful bond. When I accepted you into our family, it was not because you were pretty, or smart, although your certainly are. I accepted you because Sarah loved you, and that was all I needed to know. Since that day, as I have gotten to know you, I have found much to love. You are kind, quick to laugh and to forgive, wise beyond your years, and wonderful with my children. In the short time you have been here, you have become an integral part of our family and our lives. That is why I agreed to help you and Sarah have kids of your own. It has been a difficult transition for me, but I could not bear the thought of you and Sarah separating, or being unhappy. I would do anything to keep us together, and to further your happiness." I explain.

Amanda is quiet, stroking my chest while she listens. After some time, while she ponders what I have said, she replies "That is why we chose you. We both knew how hard it would be for you, but you were the perfect choice. As you said, love is a powerful bond, and the love we share is very special. That is how we want our kids to come into this world. There really was no other choice."

I can think of nothing to add to that, so I just hug her once again. We each remain silent, lost in our thoughts. After some time, I realize that Amanda has fallen asleep. While I hold her sleeping form, I once again consider how my life has brought me to this point. I always believed that family was the most important thing in my life, and lived for and through my family. Lisa was different, coming from a family that was never close. As our kids were growing up, I was the one to always take an interest in their lives. As they grew up and left, my heart felt empty. When Lisa also left, and I was alone, I had no purpose, no reason to live. I spent two years as an empty shell of a man, lost in despair. When Jenny came into my life, I had something to live for again. Jenny was a damaged soul, and needed someone to love and care for her. At that point in my life, that is what I needed to feel whole again. Jenny responded in kind, and our love developed quickly. We were married after only one week, and have shared a special love ever since. We completed each other, two halves making a whole.

In a way, Sarah also needed me. After her disastrous experience with love and sex, she had rejected men and only sought love from women, ultimately finding Amanda, another damaged soul. Like me, Sarah needed someone to love and cherish, and Amanda filled that need. Like I was with Jenny, Sarah and Amanda also completed each other, to an extent. Both of them still needed something to make them whole. Both of them needed my love, not just to donate sperm, but to finally heal the damage from their past. Was my whole life before just preparation for this? Was this some sort of fate, or destiny? I have no way of answering that question. All I do know is that all three of the women in my life came to me needing to be loved and cherished, right at a time in my life when I needed someone to love and cherish. Coincidence? I have never believed in coincidence.