Jessie Ch. 19

"I know."

"Do you need anything, um, related to...Morgan? To talk to anyone? Police, a doctor? You did talk to police, right?"

"No." Sienna started eviscerating another two tissues.

"Can I ask why?"

Another glare. "I was completely fucked up from pain and painkillers and fucking...trauma... And by the time I even realized I should, it was too late. Add another charge onto his rap sheet, big fucking deal." She paused, and her voice went wistful. "Two kids with a terrorist and I'm under twenty-six. I'm a literal fucking burn victim, even if I wanted to get naked for someone, no one's gonna want to look at that. And the only man who ever treated me better than halfway decently gave his life for my daughter. I ruin everything I fucking touch."

"I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. I wish I could make this easier. Make this not have happened. I wish I could fix all of it."

"Me too, sis. Me too."

We sat there for a long time, looking at the mound of paper shreds she was building on my bed.

Fuck it.

"Next year, or the year after, would you be a surrogate?"

Sienna looked up sharply. "What?"

"For me. And Gary. I have a couple eggs on ice. He had a couple of batches of cum frozen. You should've seen the look on the nurses face when he asked if it would matter if there was spit in it."

See giggled and it sounded completely at odds with how utterly destroyed she looked.

"I can't have kids. But I could pay for you to have the kid for me. The whole nine yards, medical care, vitamins, clothes, I'll pay you a damn salary."

"Sure, I'll do it," she said quickly. "On one condition."

"Shoot."

"I have one too."

"What?"

"A baby. My egg, Gary's sperm."

"You want to have Gary's baby." My voice sounded like a knife on ice, and it scared me.

"Yeah. Seems wrong that someone like Morgan should have more descendants than a guy like Gary. And..." she blew out her breath explosively, slowly inhaled. "I loved him. I know he loved you instead, I know he could never love me, but I did. I loved him. And I was ok with not being loved back. Now though... If I can help carry his life forward in this world, this man I love...I want to. So yeah, I'll be a surrogate for you. But I want a kid of my own with Gary."

Why not. I had enough money to pay for a dozen lifetimes of kids and braces and college and first cars.

"Ok."

"You're serious?"

"Yeah. Like you said, Morgan doesn't get to have more children than Gary."

"This sounds awfully petty of us."

"Yeah well."

Sienna started laughing and I started laughing too and wow, fuck, did my back hurt...

Eventually, we caught our breaths, and we looked at each other guiltily in the silence. I sighed. "You wanna sleep down here tonight? I could use the company."

"Nah. I wanna sleep by Jane. But you're welcome to come up..."

I sighed. "I think I will. I really don't want to be alone tonight."

See rose and headed for the door. "Thank you. For this. For this fucked up night. I needed to...I needed to tell someone this shit."

"And I needed to get beat. Thank you."

"I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

I lotioned my back as best I could and dressed in a silky boxer and tank set that wouldn't irritate my skin too much, and headed up to the third floor. Sienna sat in bed, watching TV with the sound turned down. I hesitated, not wanting to intrude, but then climbed under the sheets next to her. She was warm and I was cold and she snuggled against me, putting her head on my shoulder.

"It'll be alright?" she asked quietly. "Eventually? Someday?"

I brushed my hand through her platinum blonde hair as I thought about what I needed to do now. "Yeah. Someday. I promise."

###

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over... or has it just begun?

- Silent Lucidity, Queensryche