Jet Lagged

I automatically say, "No. Never."

She says, "Then don't tell him. Let it be what it was and don't dwell on it."

"Except I can't stop thinking about it. It was two days ago and it's like a movie playing over and over in my head."

Tunde says, "Then find a way to stop feeling guilty about it. It was just sex. Mind blowing passionate sex, but still just sex. Tell yourself that you are getting off the Ferris Wheel. Let it out or let it go, but either way, get off the Ferris Wheel. Remember, sex won't feed you, cloth you, or take care of you. Love will. Choose love."

I smiled. "That was insightful of you. You gonna take your own advice?"

Tunde says, "Yes. I will never tell her about tonight. And I'm choosing love. Thanks to you."

I pull up at the row home in Southwest. She leans over and kisses my cheek. "Goodbye Greg. And thanks." She gets out but before she closes the door she leans in and says "Don't tell him."

I watch her walk up, key herself in and disappear. I slowly pull out of the space and make my way to Cobbs Creek Parkway, to take the long way home. My mind wanders back to last week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesse and I pretty much avoided each other physically during the wedding but caught each other's eyes all night long. I left early, I couldn't take the intensity anymore. It was too...inviting and I was in a real vulnerable place.

The day after the wedding, I was on the veranda of my 2^nd story room meditating and I heard his voice. I opened my eyes, Jesse walked by my room with Beau's other brother Lorenzo, called Enzo and two other guys. They were laughing about something. I stared at him and I know he felt me staring at him.

And I know he purposely avoided looking up at me until the last minute.

"Hey Greg," he said casually. Too casually. Then walked on with the boys. We could always feel each other's energy. I knew he would find a reason to walk past my room again.

And he did, a couple of hours later, by himself this time. I had stepped out onto the veranda to feel the weather and gauge what I was wearing and I saw him from afar off, already looking in my direction. Our eyes locked. I went back inside, put on my sneakers and went downstairs and waited at the entrance.

He smiled when he saw me waiting. He said, "Greg."

"Jesse."

He said, "What are you doing now?"

"Just going into town, checking out Bouskoura a bit."

He said, "Want company?"

I smiled. Sure."

We walked and talked, caught up on our lives in the last couple of years. Had lunch. Bought gifts for our loved ones back home. By dinner he asked me the big question he had been wanting to ask me since he saw me 4 days ago. "And mentally? Emotionally? How are you?"

And I opened up, told him that I haven't had a depressive episode in a long time, and I thought I had my anxiety at bay, but two weeks ago I had a panic attack, a massive one at work.

I have been working long hours because two people quit over management issues and I have taken on more clients than what I'm used to.

"Then Maddy got sick and she wasn't breathing in my arms and I thought she was dying," I told him. Thankfully, we got her to the hospital in time.

"Juggling the stressors of work and my sick kid got the best of me and one day with a shit load of patients, one of which sounded just like my Borderline late mother who told me I was fucking up her life, I just lost it. I couldn't breath, crumpled in the corner of my office. I threw up until it was nothing but bile and cried."

"Dr. Tanner sent me home. I took some sick time since I have a lot of it. Beau and I decided that I should still come out to get some much needed R&R, and stay an extra few days after the wedding. He spoke Ariana and arranged for me to come out earlier than everyone else, and stay a bit later."

"So that's what I'm doing, why I've been here a week and will be here until next week." Jesse listened, concern all in his eyes. He went doctor on me, "what are you taking?"

"Zoloft 25mg," I told him.

He said, "Tell your doctor to up it to 50mg. Just for a while, until things calm down then you can taper back down to 25mg."

"Thanks Doc," I teased. He laughed.

Then I said, "And you? Why are you really here without Rob?" I can read him just like he can read me.

He sighed. "He wants us to start having kids. Adopt. Is it wrong if I'm not sure if I want that?"

"No. Kid ruin everything. Toddlers are assholes." I smiled and he laughed.

He continued, "Sometimes I feel like we got married because everyone else around us was doing it. When California passed same sex marriage officially in 2013 it was like a frenzy to the alter. We had only been together for a little over a year, and here he was asking us to just do it. Papers already in his hand. We just talked about moving in together just a month before that and now we were getting married? It was like...wow. OK. I guess."

I tried not to laugh at his confusion about his own marriage.

I said, "I thought you loved him."

"I did. I DO. I Do. Love him. And we were in a committed relationship already. I just wasn't sure if he was the One you know. Like you and Beau You guys got married for love, after an 8 year relationship already established. I wanted something like that."

He sighed again. "This is coming out wrong. I love that we got married the way we did, it was thrilling and wonderful. It's just that we rushed into that, and I don't want us to rush into having kids. We kinda argued about it and we are kind of still in a fight so he didn't come."

I started it. I reached over and put my hand on top of his. For comfort of course. I said, "Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Rob is cool, a little neurotic, selfish and self centered, but cool. He'll understand."

He laughed, "Wow, tell me how you really feel about him!"I laughed.

I try not to make it obvious but I never understood how they got together. Jesse is so cool, calm, collected. Rob is so out there sometimes, mouth runs a mile a minute all about himself, his accomplishments, his accolades, his big dick.

I'm not kidding. He told us that when we first met him in 2012, in the middle of dinner. Just casually brought it up, "Red wine makes my dick so hard, all 9.5 inches of it." Then he took a sip.

Jesse laughed, and Beau and I just looked at each like ooooooookaaaaaaay. I love how Beau and I know each other's thoughts just by looking. I didn't like him from then. Beau doesn't either but he's nicer about it.

I said to Jesse, "Well it's not about how I feel about him. It's about how you feel about him."

Jesse looked down and said, "I just don't want to think about him right now and our issues. I want to just be on vacation for a few days, forget everything. Feel free from my problems."

He was watching our hands as he spoke, and I didn't realize it until he lifted his thumb and started stroking that area between my thumb and index finger. Now we're both looking at our hands and I started counting his strokes.

Once. Twice. Third. Fourth. Fifth stroke.

By the 6^th stroke I turned my palm up and he flipped his hand over and rested his palm on top of mines. He curled his last three fingers, ring, middle and pinky, and started stroking my palm. And I didn't want him to stop.

But then he pulled away, so fast and mumbled, "Sorry." Took a sip of his tea. I couldn't find my voice to say, "it's OK," so I said nothing. I couldn't even look at at his face. I just sat there stupidly with my hand face up on the table.

Seconds ticked by like hours before one of us spoke.

It was me, who said, "Jesse."

He said abruptly, "We should go."

He stood up, adjusted his obvious erection and walked out. When I found my legs, I walked out of the restaurant, found him standing out front.

I tried again. "Jesse...."

He shut me down. "It's my fault, it won't happen again," He said. "Anyway, did you see that venue for the bachelor party? It was exuberant. I'm beginning to feel his family has more money than he's letting on." He walked and I followed. All of our feelings in the air and we ignored them. Again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met Jesse at orientation, freshman year, both biology majors with hopes of becoming surgeons. We became fast friends, just drawn to each other. I had a girlfriend that I came over with from high school, but that quickly dissipated. The point of me going to school far from home is so that I can could experiment with men in a way I couldn't do at home.

Jesse was gay, I picked up on it right away and he didn't deny it. He took me to a club in Old City and opened up a door that I had been trying to pry open forever but scared to. Not anymore. I got my anal cherry popped a month after moving to Philadelphia and I was hooked.

Jesse was my best friend, my confidant and my anchor. He reminded me to use condoms and get tested every 6 months anyway. Taught me how to be safe, not just sexually but mentally and emotionally. He saw my downward spiral before I did. He tried to save me from myself. Then he saved my life.

Late into my sophomore year I had sucked and fucked my way into a major depression. I was using sex as a way to feel better about myself, but then felt like pure shit afterwards. One night I drank until I caught alcohol poisoning and almost died but Jesse was there for me. Got me to the hospital in time. Then instead of taking me back to the dorms, he took me to his place.

That's when I met Beau.

Jesse and Beau had been friends for years, both from Lawrenceville, New Jersey, went to the same high school, on the same swim team. Beau is two years older than us and was already in an apartment, so he moved Jesse in when he started at UPenn too. As close as Jesse and I were, I had never been to his house, he was always on campus.

I had heard of Beau but never met Beau, until Jesse took me home. Beau was tall, athletic fit and gay, but you wouldn't know it just looking at him. He had been through a lot growing up in the foster care system, and wanted to be a social worker.

I didn't go home that summer, I stayed with them and the two of them took care of me. I became a third unwanted roommate, but I played my part. I cleaned and cooked and stayed out of their way.

I also wondered why they never got together. One night I asked Beau and he said he always looked at Jesse as his younger brother. I asked if he saw me as his younger brother too. He said he did. Then I sucked his dick to show him I wasn't. I mean, who wouldn't?

Beau is sexy. He has the whole Italian machismo going for him. Body built like a lifeguard from Baywatch. Skin that browns instead of reds in the sun. Brown hair, blue eyes. He's manly but he's also a bit of a metrosexual as they used to call it. He grooms without fear of retribution. Clean and manicured fingernails always. Shaves his pubes almost weekly.

He speaks Italian fluently too. I'm technically Italian on my mother's side but they have been here for decades, so I'm more American than anything else. But he found that so interesting and actually wanted to help me trace my family roots and teach me Italian. So yea, I found a reason to suck his dick.

The attraction was so intense but Beau wouldn't let it go any further than that. Not until my meds kicked in and I was in a better place mentally, emotionally. In the meantime he took me on dates to restaurants, movies and lounges. We hung out and got to know each other. We hung out more than Jesse and I hung out.

And he came with me to Chicago to come out to my family that summer.

My mom was fine with me being bi, she was more concerned with her mental health and actually had a breakdown because she gave me her disease. I'm not kidding, she ended up in Bellevue for cutting three days after I came out. Having a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder means your feelings will always be put on the back burner for hers.

My dad called me a sissy and stopped talking to me, as expected. So did my older half brother. But my sisters were awesome and continue to be awesome. After that road trip I started falling in love with Beau and he hadn't even touched me sexually yet.

The night before I was supposed to move back into my dorm, I told Jesse I was beginning to have real feelings for his best friend.

And he told me that he had been falling for me for the last two years we've known each other.

But he saw how close Beau and I were getting and decided that Beau and I were a better match than he and I. And here we were, in this unspoken love triangle all summer that none of us knew about.

Apparently I was the first person in a long time that Beau has shown any romantic interest in, which is the real reason he's taking his time with me. Because he wanted to keep me, not just fuck me. He wanted me to be his. And Jesse had made the decision for everyone before I knew there was a decision to be made.

He sat next to me on the couch and leaned into my neck and said, "Go after Beau."

And in that moment I wanted Jesse more than I've ever wanted anything ever in my life. But then he got up and left the apartment. Well tried to, I stood in front of him nose to nose and tried to kiss him. He turned his head away. I tried again, he matrixed me, the bastard.

He took both my hands and pushed me against the wall, and said to me "If I kiss you, I won't ever stop kissing you. Ever. And Beau would never forgive me for taking you from him."

I told him he was shit for taking the decision out of my hands, told him to let me decide. He told me to go back to the dorm and take three days to think on it. And if I choose him, I know where to find him. Then he left the apartment.

So I went to my new dorm, single room and thought about it. Compared the two.

Jesse is wonderful, strong, dependable, caring, very boy next door and he's been a great friend. My best friend. Jesse appealed to the emotional side of me, he has always made me feel safe, cared for. There was never a strong sexual attraction to him although he is obviously handsome, and sure, I'd him fuck him if he ever asked but he never did.

Not one move ever. So how the fuck was I supposed to know he was falling in love with me?

Beau straightforward, amazing, empathetic, has a quiet sexiness about him and he's so touchy-feely. He appeals to all my other senses, especially my need to be touched. He talks to you and touches your arm or shoulder when he does. You made him laugh and he throws his whole body forward on you to catch him.

He walks past you to say hello and lightly touches some part of you. He does this with everyone, it's very flirty, but it also doesn't mean anything unless he wants it to mean something. And I didn't know every touch he gave me meant something so deep to him, until Jesse told me.

And Beau does everything heart first no matter what. That's how he ended up in social work to begin with, because his heart is so big. He always knew he wanted to work with LGBTQ youth, as a way to show them: look at me, it really does get better; which is exactly what he does now.

Maybe because Jesse and I started out as friends it was harder to see it. But Beau and I did not start out as friends. So it was easier to see it with. Until Jesse told me how he felt, and then it became so much more easier to see it with Jesse.

I wanted to really weigh the pros and cons of both of them, but I didn't get three days to decide because the day after I moved into the dorms, Beau came to see me.

It was a Tuesday night and he stayed the night. And he told me how he felt about me. We didn't have sex all night, just laid in the bed and held each other and talked. In the morning he kissed me and asked me if he could have me and I told him yes.

And then he asked, "Do you want our first time to be loving, sensual or sexual?"

Well fuck I thought. I said, "All three."

He smiled, then he left for an hour. Then returned with grocery bags. Needless to say we did not go to any classes that day and he spent the next 24 hours making me his.

And this is how I fell in love with Beau:

First it was sensual: Beau blindfolded me, sat me down on a blanket in the middle of my room.

He turned on gay porn for me to hear, not the corny "ugh fuck me harder dude" kind but the erotic moaning, thrusting, ass slapping against thighs kind, the kind you jerk off to by yourself in the dark.

He lit a lavender vanilla candle for me to smell. Oiled up and massaged my body with almond oil. Then he put his body parts in my mouth, each with a different flavor.

Chocolate covered fingers. Blueberry flavored neck. Mango flavored nipples. Cherry flavored dick. Strawberry flavored anus. That was my favorite. I never knew what was coming next and I was a solid hard rock the whole time, as I licked and sucked him all over.

He laid me down and entered me protected from behind nice and slow, still blindfolded, chocolate fingers in my mouth and touched and massaged me all over as he fucked me deep and hard. I did not last long and came so hard and so fast I barely knew what hit me. He gave me a few moments, then massaged me back up.

Next up, sexual. No blindfolds, no sexy smells, no fruit. Just pure unadulterated, sweaty, nasty fucking. He gave me full control, told me to fuck him with no mercy. I bit his nipples, sucked his dick hard using a little bit of teeth, pulled his hair and fucked his brains out. Over my desk, over a chair, on the closet door, on the bed, on the floor at last.

Fucked him face up, face down and sideways. Fucked his hole, took off my condom and face fucked him making him deep throat my dick until I was at the point of coming, then threw him down on the floor, bent his legs so far up his knees was touching his shoulders.

He howled like a fucking woman, screamed my name, begged me to fuck him harder and harder. I know the whole dorm heard and I didn't fucking care one bit. I pounded the shit out of him, raw until he exploded on himself and I exploded in his hole.

When I came I yelled so fucking loud, "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!" that the RA finally banged on the door and told us to knock it off or he's calling campus police, which made us laugh. Then we got in the bed and fell asleep for hours.

Last was lovingly. Beau woke me up with his tongue on my dick, then his tongue in my ass, a rim job for the ages. I had to be funky by then, we hadn't taken a shower from the first two sessions earlier in the day. But he didn't care, he had his face all in my musty musk, licking me from tip to anus making me moan like I've never moaned before. When I was good and ready, he put on the condom, pulled my legs a part and crawled on top of me.

He pulled the band out of my hair so my locks flowed, massaged my scalp. We kissed and touched and held each other and sexed until he came. Then he put a condom on me, got on top so that I entered him while he rode. He leaned down, and we kissed and he held me and sexed me until I came, him watching me. Then we kissed some more.

Then we laid together again. He ran his hands through my locks and massaged my scalp again. Told me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Encouraged me to know my worth, that I was normal for being bisexual no matter what anyone said to me. Pretty much gave me the line from the movie, The Help: He told me that I is kind, I is smart and I is important. And I believed him.

That first day he took my body, my mind and my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Present Me ends up on 76 east, then Route 1 all the way to Bensalem and Parx Casino. I'm at another bar chanting to myself, it was just sex, it's not that important, it meant nothing. A blonde woman in her late 40s is next to me. She is obviously a high priced escort looking for a date, I think.

I avoid her gaze. But then she says, "you're pretty like a woman, but with hands like a man."