All Comments on 'Jim and Kelly'

Why on earth would anyone with 85 mil in the bank sweat and toil to build a decent, sound home over a period of a year? Surely, even should Jim be a jack of all trades, something in the whole home would have been less than perfect.

Otherwise a good effort and original plot, keep up with your effort, keep anal out forever.

Nice story but I agree with another comment as to why with 65 million in the bank they wouldn't just have the house built and start their lives?

Please write more chapters I would love to read more to see what the future holds for Jim and Kelly and see if the brothers and sisters follow in their parents footsteps

Writing needs some work to iron out the kinks. Got too jumpy and unrealistic at times. Not sure if daughter was graduating high school or college or university. How old was she meant to be?

Money amounts were totslly wrong. Business profits stay in the business, you don't want to be paying personal tax rates on that. He would have just taken a nominal wage from the business to minimise his taxes. Secondly if it was making 15mil profit plus cash on hand, current and future projects etc, then a sale price would be more in 100mil range, if not much much more. Not including added amounts for leaving clients with th e business and not setting up competitive business nearby.

I’m not rating the story now in the hopes you’ll improve it. There are several items needing attention.

1. Dialog. People don’t talk in formal sentences. Go to a diner and listen to others talking.

2. Motivation. Why are your characters doing what they’re doing? Don’t tell us. Show us by creating scenes that explain.

3. Be real. The huge sum of money is a joke, or to get that out of a business, the dad would likely be a lot older, raising issues with them being a couple. Its also unnecessary to the plot.

4. Character development. You need to do this. That’s part of the motivation issue, but it’s more.

5. Paint the picture. The background is blank and it’s important.

This reads like a story outline rather than a story. As an outline, it’s good. As a story, it needs more.

If you want a memorable traditional story, work on the list above. If you just want a stroke story, you need to add a lot more sex and more detail about it. I don’t know where you want to go with this, but it would be a shame not to move it to the next level.

I wish people would learn a little anatomy of the female body. Men having sex with virgins do not put their penises half way or even a third of the way in before hitting a hymen. It is right at the entrance to the vagina.

i don't do those 1 star

I read some of the comments prior to commenting. Hell, don't know why people pick your story apart. Leave it alone folks. It's a cute story of FICTION.

5 stars for pure entertainment.