Jizzy 01

"[A finger tip dab taste] hmm, sweet, sweet like banana cream pie! I may have misjudged you, Jizzy, so, I mean, stay the hell away from my boyfriend's garage when he's wrenching on his hot rod, but maybe I'll send you a text for when we have "spice it up" night. Anyways, Jizzy, are you about to pass out? Don't your boyfriends play back fair with you?"

Oh, I was passing out alright! Right there in front of me for a few seconds was a completely nude woman! Head to toe. Or that's how I saw things anyways.

"Bah, bah, bah, Lannie, this is your body?"

"Yep, it doesn't suck being 21. Anyways [mwah] is my work done here now?"

Well, I passed out, so.

[Weep, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"I can't C U on the monitor, Jizzy!"

[Whoop, outgoing response text]

"Pee break, I'm back on it for the crying lines."

Well, next time I will have Jack hook me up with some sort of video loop system or something.

Anyways, I may or may not have exited the Ladies room quite disheveled, but listen, LOL, I had a true and bona fide girlfriend experience! Well, wait, um, shoot! Well, wait, my girlfriend taught me about the cigarette grip, so, well, it counts.

"Psst!"

"OMG, no, no, no, no way, guys! What are the two of you? Pugsley #1 and Pugsley #2? This is a real Wednesday party and not a cartoon, so?"

"Tee he, say real girls again, Jerry, we mean, Jizzy!"

So, even super nerds are a necessary evil for the planet, right? I mean, not our planet, but they were my friend's way, way, way back in the day, so, well, let's hear what Junior and Chester have to say then, shall we?

"Alright, Jizzy, if I may, listen to this. A Wednesday party like this needs a couple of Pugsley's to smack around and tease and we promise that we will leave after the first punch to our chins and, and, and, Junior and I will worship your naked body for 20 minutes in my mom's basement, just as long as I get to finish off on the right lightning bolt and Junior gets to blast off on the left lightning bolt on your ass, so, how can you pass up such a deal, Jizzy, huh?"

Well, far it be from me to ask why go to Chester's mom's basement when he has his own apartment now, but, I mean, huh?

And what lightning bolts?

"You two will leave once the first beef cake fist is raised! Anyways, knock three times softly on the side door and say [whisper, I am the gatekeeper and you say I am the key holder, whisper] and I don't have any such lightning bolts across my butt!"

"Tee he, we heard it's four blue lightning bolts that form two arrowheads that point to your, er, I am the gatekeeper!"

"And I am the keyholder and I confess that I have been using your dressing room booty selfie for some reasons and I know exactly where to aim, Jizzy!"

See? What planet, right?

[Weep, outgoing text to Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Are you seeing this crying line?"

[Whoop, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"I do see it! Likes by the bazillion! I O U again, Jizzy!"

It was quite a line up of people and huh, they were mostly all crying.

"Psst!"

Ignore!

"Psst! Kiddo! I'm looking for Jizzy!"

Investigate.

"Ahem, Jizzy is busy right now. He went irresistible goth tonight and now he's tied up and gagged on an inking table getting blue lightning bolts tattoos imprinted across his luscious butt and its half against his will, so?"

"Damn, I lost the bid then! Anyways, I'm Howie, so, which of these tattoo shops on the Strip do I have to raid to be there for his rescue? I mean, so many people have been filling my head with all these thoughts that it feels like I should be for him then, so?"

So, um, backfire number 3 for me then, hmm? But look at how we matched up size wise, right?

"Well, I lied to you just now because I'm Jizzy, but since you didn't recognize me from the start, well, the thoughts in your head seem to be lacking substance, so, no tattoo shop raids are required, so?"

Oh, it's getting dark out, the glare of the street lamp was in my eyes, an oil burning junky old truck drove by and on and on and on with the lame excuses for not knowing who I am, so.

"And even though all of those sound like lame excuse, Jizzy, tee he, look at us, we're a perfect height match and I swear, I'm going to make sparks fly off of your butt lightning bolts!"

Hmm.

[Hands inspection, clean, he uses latex gloves in his work, mustache inspection, clean, he doesn't eat much corn on the cob, height verification, damn, what a fit, check, waiting for Howie to push forward for any other dimensional verifications, hmm, that was more of a wrap around, check]

Hmm.

[Weep, outgoing text to Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Has Howie arrived? Is he set up?"

[Whoop, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Oh, your Howie lover is here and it's TTTT everywhere!"

Ah-hah! The good old Temporary Titties Tattoo Time Switch-A-Roo!

[Weep, outgoing text to the Wednesday party protectors]

"Send paddy wagon! Fake Howie!"

[Vroom, vroom, screech, squeal, almost tips over, sputter, spit, backfire, sputter, cough, brr]

I mean, it was Danny's used soccer mom minivan, but he and his crew showed up and apprehended the Howie imposter! And nerf dart machine gunned him into submission!

"Charley! What the hell?"

"Waah, waah, I just wanted a side alley date, Jizzy, boohoo."

Stupid mustache, nose, glasses and bushy eyebrows disguise from the dollar store! And a Sharpie for a tattoo tool no less.

[Nerdy geeks manhandle Charley the imposter into the rear seat area of the old soccer mom minivan]

"So, um, hi, Jizzy, so?"

"Oh, um, hi, Stew, um, hi."

At least Stew used to bring me a chocolate milk in the lunch room, so.

"I mean, maybe you need a safety net escort tonight if you're going to strut up and down the Strip all alone tonight, I mean, you are kind of trending on Chang over your four blue lightning bolts that have been imprinted somewhere on your body, which, might I please say, has totally filled out since back in the day and you look amazing in goth dark, so?"

Oh, so, that's what they mean when they say that someone said almost all of the right things then, hmm? Or did Stew just call me fat?

"Um, Danny, Larry, do you two nerdy guys have this? I mean, I am all alone and stuff, so? Also, did Stew just call me fat?"

"[Nerf gun dart phew, plop, plunk, poof] oh, we got this, Jizzy! [Nerf gun dart phew, plop, plunk, poof] and maybe Stew meant phat, like, ahem, give us a spin then! [Nerf gun dart phew, plop, plunk, poof]."

I mean, ugh, of all the things that I have practiced over the years, twirling didn't seem to make the list, so, well, I didn't really do that, but I did crawl into the rear of the soccer mom minivan on my hands and knees and bid Charley a good night!

And then, ahem, Danny and Larry each counted my lightning bolts with their pokey fingers as I was bent over on my hands and knees and I still had no such tattoos!

[Finger boing, one, finger boing, two, finger poke, three, finger poke, four]

"Ahem, Stew, I'm not saying that you just claimed me as your property with all the nice things that you just said and I know I put myself in a position for it, but, ahem, if you are claiming me, I mean, your buddies here are poking at my prime property and counting what's not even there, so?"

[Wait for it. Whistle and gaze around a little. Wait for it]

"Oh, OMG, hey, you guys, back off of my date! And dump Charley's body down by the Frozen Frosty Freeze Shop!"

Well, the Frosty Frozen Freeze Shop would have been my choice, but whatever.

"(Psst, Jizzy, do I need them to drive me home later?)"

"(Psst, Stew, not really. My truck is at the rental hall.)"

"And don't bother coming back for me! Well, unless we text the nerd nerf dart hit squad again or something, so."

Yep, that's Stew, my choice for the night.

"Well, well, well, some of us always thought the two of you would find each other sooner or later. I mean, personally delivered chocolate milk on a daily basis is powerful stuff, so?"

"Pete, was that sass, sincerity or sarcasm, hmm?"

"Well, without trying to pick a fight, sass for how your ass has filled out, I sincerely want to see a selfie of your lightning bolts and a little bit of sarcasm because you've actually done better than I have, Jizzy, so?"

Or is that what they mean when they say that someone said all the right things, hmm?

[Glances around and locks eyes with Lydia because Lydia made sure of that]

"Wednesday Lydia (whisper, whisper, Pete, but not as date, whisper, whisper, spare Wednesday costumes in office, whisper, whisper, broom closet locks if Pete, whisper, whisper, I'll serve your girls night TV watch night twice if you have nipple jewelry, whisper, whisper, office spy camera in big blue book, whisper, whisper), so?"

"[Mwah] Jizzy and not hey, you, Jizzy (whisper, whisper, jack my boyfriend off twice when I'm tired, whisper, whisper, I have jewelry in a few other places, whisper, whisper), so, thanks, sweetie."

Well, relationships have changed in these modern times.

"Wednesday Lydia (whisper, whisper, the pass word is "he's my mule", whisper, whisper) and have a great time. Oh (whisper, whisper, there is bottled water in the broom closet if Pete ends up locked in there, whisper, whisper, front clasp black bras in file cabinet, whisper), so, tootles."

"Um, ooh, well, this seems like a moment that Jizzy deserves a kiss or something, um, but, well, you know, um, so, I mean, I'm getting into the party of the year, right?"

Huh! So, Lydia could lift me off of my feet then? LOL, okay!

"[Mwah, smooch, smack, mwah] come on mule boy, I mean, Pete!"

LOL, and I was still doing better than Pete! Oh, his words, not mine! My words are hah, that will teach her boyfriend, Jake, to go fishing on the weekend of the biggest Wednesday party ever! And as for taking over a couple of times when Lydia is tired, well...

"Ahem!"

"Oh, OMG, Stew, I'm so sorry for getting caught up with things, but you knew that I was working the Strip when you seduced me a few minutes ago! And I could have said "working the Strip" differently, but I'm not bitching out on you."

Aww, maybe I have a new catch phrase then? I mean, déjà vu, right?

"Come on, Stew, I know that you have been building up a nut and I know that you will die if you don't release your nut because that's what all the guys in school used to tell me like all the time, so, hmm, the access walkway, Stew, turn here and be quick about it!"

Well, we almost made it!

"Hey, you, Jizzy, I have a couple of bones to pick with you, so?"

"OMG, what, Mickey? I'm trying something here!"

"Oh, well, that can wait! Listen, I passed all of my math classes back in high school thanks to you for doing all my homework, but when I entered into the Community College, I mean, where the hell were you because they have all of these weirds math symbols and I'm struggling, Jizzy, struggling I say, so?"

Hmm, all those weird new symbols, huh?

"I'm losing it, Jizzy and I can barely count how many blue lightning bolts you have imprinted across your butt, losing it, I say, Jizzy!"

"Mickey, you lost it long before I stumbled into your life and by the way, you're showing your losses by standing in line with your step sister, LeeLee Leigh! No offense, LeeLee Leigh, so?"

"Oh, none taken, Jizzy (whisper, whisper, not all Wednesday's are busty, whisper, whisper, you're popular and trending now, whisper, whisper, your boyfriend has a boner and you have no time and I need a boner, whisper, whisper, dump Mickey in the river, whisper, whisper, whisper, it's just a blow job, whisper) and everybody wins and if I remember correctly, you always charted your wins back in the day, so? Oh, and (whisper, whisper, it should be an array of lightning bolts, whisper, whisper), I mean, whatever you decide, so."

"Mickey, close your eyes, turn 90 degrees and don't stop walking until you're swimming. Stew, would you please escort the lovely Wednesday LeeLee Leigh to the side door of the rental hall and no matter what happens, well, give her a safe escort, please."

Well, it was barely 10pm and I had only worked my way less than half way up the line of crying people that I was assigned to mingle with and capture on video, so. Or I spied Kurt in the line just a couple of store fronts up the line of people and Kurt was in the shower room that day I passed out my graduation party invites. And he was the only one who, er, bothered to cover up with his hands. Which looks so much better when women do it! Not that I surf "caught" websites, so.

"Um, so, hey, Kurt, so?"

"Oh, hey, you, Jizzy, um, um, well, just because I recognize that you're wearing the same fishnet short thingamabobs that you did that day in the locker room, I mean, I'm not confessing anything, so?"

"Oh, well, Kurt, these are similar, but of a new style, but I'm glad that they caught your eye anyways and you don't need to confess anything else. Your hands were slow and well, I got a peek, so?"

"Hmph! Are you going to confess that the two lightning bolts across your butt are iridescent and look glittery blue from the left view, but look more like shimmering turquois from the right view then, huh?"

"No, I can't confess that, Kurt because it's just not true, but I will confess that I've been on the hustle and bustle for the past couple of hours and I'm feeling frazzled enough to undergo a minor wardrobe adjustment and I could use a restroom guard since we're so close to the Lava Java Coffee Shop, so?"

Guys, right? They love to show their emotions by crossing their arms and going all straight eyes! But I could tell that he was trying to figure out if I just opened the door enough for him to stick his lightning rod between my lightning bolts! Which I still don't have.

And I was legit. I mean, when you wear undies, under shorts, fishnet or other and regular shorts, I mean, things get out of sorts after a while, so.

Also, LOL, he figured it out in his head and followed up! Well, he had half of it figured out.

"Just push me down on the seat and unzip your pants and step forward with your lightning rod, Kurt and everything else will fall into place. But first, tee he, whip off a photo of me sitting on the toilet in a stall in the "aww, we know what means" position, tee he."

I was surprised that I had to explain that part to him. Also, so, what? His lightning rod pointed at me once, so, so, what?

[Weep, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Yay! There R so many people dying to get inside!"

[Weep, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"But I can't C U again. Did you pass out, Jizzy?"

[Whoop, outgoing text to Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Oomph, slush, oomph, gasp, oomph, slurp, oomph."

[Weep, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"On my time? Tee he, massage his balls."

[Whoop, outgoing text to Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Oomph, slush, gulp, gasp, oomph, slurp, gulp."

[Whoop, outgoing text to Wednesday Luna Lue]

"OMG, gulp, gag, gulp, gag, oops, oh, ooh, gulp!"

[Weep, incoming text from Wednesday Luna Lue]

"Back to work, Jizzy!"

"[Huff, puff, wheeze, huff] well, that was a first for me, Jizzy! We really are turning into electronic robots! And amazing job working my lightning rod and your phone at the same time, that's like marriage material."

Oh, déjà vu again with the right things to say, right?

"[Wheeze, inhale, huff] step forward, Kurt, I take it all."

I mean, what is a guy supposed to do? Let his drizzle dribble down on his clothes? And I always finished my glass of milk at the table anyways, so.

And I didn't even need to tell him that he could go because I knew how things worked, which is sad, but that's the way it is with straight8 guys, I guess.

"Hey, you, lightning bolt butt bitch boy, Jizzy!"

Please don't be Martha, please don't be Martha, please don't be Martha!

"Martha! What a wonderful surprise seeing you crying in line for the Wednesday party of the year, so?"

[Some people hug and some people go straight for the reach down]

"[Grope, rub, grope, rub] hah, you're still a guy under all this! Get me inside of that party and we'll come to some sort of arrangement, Jizzy, [rub, rub] or are curvy girls not proper Wednesday material, hmm [rub, rub, rub]?"

Well, curvy is the truth, in a compact way, but seriously, Martha started to develop top way, way, way long ago and apparently, still hasn't stopped!

"Martha, I have one real old fashion corset with real draw strings, but it will take two guys to string your waist in, your butt out and your boobs up, so?"

"[Grope, rub] keep talking, lightning butt boy!"

"My two nerd hit squad buddies would be happy to pull your corset strings and if they go home with a red welt each on their heads because they were too close when you unleash the girls from your existing bra, well, the pass word is, well, wait, it's Danny and Larry, so?"

"Oh, the bookworms? Text them and [squeeze, squeeze] a lot of people are wondering what these two lightning bolts across your butt look like [squeeze, squeeze], so stop being so shy about things, Jizzy."

Oh, listen, with my slender body, I don't even own a corset, so I wasn't even sure that's how they worked, but I knew that I knew more about them than Danny and Larry did, so, LOL, if you're at the party and you hear screams or punching or face scratching coming from the office, er, give things a minute before you call emergency services! And well, if you hear more moaning and groaning, well, LOL, walk away and wait your turn for the renal hall office to open up, I guess.

Besides, I had to put my sweet as banana cream pie smile back on and get back to working the crying line all the way down the Strip.

"OMG, Derek, you are a total POS! We spent four years together in school and even had several classes together and not once did you say "hey" to me, like a real POS! I mean, I get that you are straight8, straight8 and even more straight8, but everyone mingled with me except you! You POS!"

Well, maybe the bananas went brown before that cream pie got baked, LOL.

End Jizzy 01