Joan of Snark Ch. 06

"Pst! Hey, what the hell happened to you?" Tanya whispered to Joan while Mr. Selter's back was turned. The blonde's high ponytail bounced as she turned to face Joan. The biology teacher was drawing five rough columns on the blackboard. He was oblivious to the two girls at the back of his class speaking to each other in low voices.

"What do you mean?" Joan closed her eyes and let out a big yawn.

"You look like a zombie." It was not the nicest thing that Tanya had ever said to her, but she did seem to be genuinely concerned about Joan.

"I haven't slept well for the last couple of nights." Joan rubbed her puffy eyes.

"Bad dreams?"

"You could say that." Joan rested her chin on her hand as her eyelids began to droop.

"Tanya, can you name the five different types of pathogens?" Silently, Mr. Selter had made his way down the rows of desks and was standing right in front to two whispering friends.

"Oh ... yeah ... sure." The blue eyed blonde bit her lower lip as she looked up at her science teacher. Finally she replied, "Um ... well ... first of all there's ... uh ... bacteria."

Mr. Selter nodded his head. "Go on."

"Worms," Tanya continued. "Fungus, protozoa and ... and ... and ... uh ..."

Mr. Selter turned to Joan. "Can you help out your friend?"

"Viruses," Joan sleepily replied.

"That's correct. And how exactly do viruses differ from the other four pathogens?"

The room full seventeen and eighteen year olds was silent.

"Anyone? No one?" Mr. Selter frowned. "Well, viruses are different from the other pathogens because viruses are not technically alive."

A dark haired boy sitting on the other side of Tanya raised his well muscled arm.

"Yes David," Mr. Selter called on the young man.

"So ... like ... are viruses dead?" the boy asked.

"Good question, David. Are viruses dead?" the teacher repeated.

A boy with shaggy brown hair near the front put up his hand.

The instructor pointed at him. "Yes, Aaron."

"Viruses aren't dead, because they were never really alive to begin with."

"Not bad Aaron," the teacher said with mild approval. "Yes, viruses are biological chemicals that exist in a grey area between the living and the non-living." He continued, "They contain genetic material. They can evolve. They can even reproduce. But they aren't exactly what we would consider to be life."

"I don't understand," said David. "If viruses have DNA and if they can evolve and reproduce, why aren't they considered to be life?"

"Because viruses contain no cell structure," Mr. Selter answered.

"So," David shrugged. "Maybe they're just a different kind of life. Maybe the scientific definition of life is too narrow. Perhaps viruses are a sort of life that we don't understand yet."

"Yeah," Tanya concurred. "I mean, if they aren't life-forms, then what are they?"

"Poisons," Joan wearily mumbled.

"That's correct, Joan. Viruses are indeed poisons. They are infectious agents. Similar to life-forms, they are capable of reproduction. But they can only replicate inside of the cells of living organisms. Their existence and proliferation requires them to enter and contaminate another being. Sometimes to the detriment of that living being."

Once again David raised his hand. The teacher nodded at the dark haired pupil. "So then are viruses always bad?"

"No, not always. Some viruses are harmless and don't cause negative symptoms in the organism. Some viruses remain dormant and don't affect the organism at all. And some viruses are even good."

"How on earth can a virus be good?" Tanya skeptically asked.

"By killing off harmful bacteria, which is trying to infect the organism," answered Aaron.

"I see someone's been studying," Mr. Selter smiled. "That is correct, Aaron. It is true that there are many examples of bad viruses causing harmful diseases. However, viruses actually have a dual nature. And like Aaron said, some viruses actually protect us against other bad pathogens like bad bacteria."

The bell out in the hall loudly rang.

"All right class," Mr. Selter called out over the shrill noise. "That's it for today. Tomorrow, unfortunately, we're going to be discussing the darker side of viruses. Pleases read the chapter in your textbooks about rabies."

Tanya made a face. "Ew!"

Mr. Selter gave the pretty blonde a stern look. "Just read it," he sighed. "And come here tomorrow prepared to talk about the rabies virus."

"Will do," Joan absentmindedly murmured. She scooped up her binder and textbook from the surface of her desk.

"Well, don't sound too excited there, Joan," Mr. Selter remarked.

"Sorry," Joan yawned.

"You don't so look well today," her teacher observed.

"Boy Mr. Selter, do you ever know how to charm the ladies," Joan rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious, Joan. Go home and try to get some rest."

"Thanks, I will." Joan followed after Tanya and David as they exited the classroom.

David put his arm around Tanya. "So Jane, have you found a date for prom yet?"

"I've told you a million times, her name is JOAN." Tanya scolded the dark haired boy next to her.

"I probably won't go to prom," said Joan replied.

"Joanie, NO!" cried the other girl. "You have to go to prom. It's our last year of high school!"

"Yeah, Joan. There's still a couple of weeks left. You could still find someone to go with," David said.

"But I don't care about going," Joan shrugged.

"If you can't find a date, you can come with the two of us," Tanya offered.

"Yeah," David grinned. "I wouldn't mind walking into the prom with two beautiful ladies. One on each arm."

Joan thought back to the evening before at the rectory. She remembered how uncomfortable she had felt around Father Ben and his "friend" Calla Lily. For some reason, being the third wheel had become something of a theme in her life as of late.

"I'd really rather not go as a thrupple," Joan said "No offense to the two of you," she quickly added.

"None taken. Maybe I could set you up with one of the guys on the lacrosse team," David offered.

"Yeah, Joanie, that's a good idea!" Tanya smiled up at her boyfriend and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"No really," Joan politely declined. "The prom really doesn't sound like my kind of thing."

"Hey Joan?"

Joan turned around and saw Aaron approaching.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Looks like your luck might be changing," Tanya winked.

"He's short, but he's cute," David whispered

Tanya lightly punched her boyfriend in the arm before dragging him away. "Talk to you tomorrow," she bid her friend farewell.

"And don't forget to read up on rabies," David added. He then opened his mouth, contorted his face and made some tortured growling sounds. As Tanya pulled him down the hallway and around the corner, he began to bark like a deranged dog.

Joan rolled her eyes and then turned to the boy in front of her. "What is it, Aaron?"

"You work at the rectory, right?" Aaron tucked a stray bit of brown hair behind his ear.

"I sure do. Lucky me," Joan sarcastically answered.

"Is it true that Father O'Connor's in the hospital?"

"Yeah, that's right," Joan nodded.

"Is it serious?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "From what I've heard, the doctors aren't sure what's making him sick."

"Do you think he'll recover?" Aaron's face was solemn.

"I guess so. I mean, he's in the hospital. The doctor's will figure it out eventually," Joan reasoned.

"Oh, right." Aaron looked down, as if lost in thought.

"Hey, weren't you one of Father O'Connor's altar boys?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I was," the young man confirmed.

"Why'd you stop going to church?"

"I have soccer practice on Sunday mornings," he explained.

"Lucky!"

"Yeah, I guess," Aaron laughed. But then seriously he asked, "What's Father O'Connor like to work for? Like ... I mean ... how does he treat you?"

"Like a slave - and not the fun kinky kind. He treats me like an indentured servant. I swear to god, that old man is so rude."

"Yeah, sounds like Father O'Connor," Aaron chuckled. "So who's filling in for him while he's in the hospital?"

"This young guy, Father Ben."

"What's he like?"

Joan hesitated before answering. "He's ... different ..."

"So, that's good then," Aaron said encouragingly.

"Um ... I don't know. He has a friend visiting at the moment. The whole thing's kind of weird."

"Oh?" asked Aaron. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure. But it doesn't matter anyway," she said changing the subject. "He's only going to be there until Father O'Connor gets out of the hospital."

"Oh right," Aaron nodded.

"Well, I've got to get to work," Joan sighed.

"Alright, see you in class tomorrow," he said.

"Yeah, sure. I can't wait to talk about the rabies virus!" she said with mock enthusiasm.

"It'll be gross. But at least it'll be interesting," Aaron said with a slight hint of optimism.

"Always look on the bright side of life," Joan jokingly sang as she walked toward her locker.

However, Joan felt nothing but pessimism with regards to working at the rectory that evening. The thought of watching Lil fawning all over Father Ben made her want to gag. Joan's jealousy over the young priest and his long time friend was one cloud that did not have a silver lining.