John: How to Save a Life

Week 3

I went to work every morning with a knot in my gut. I had to really concentrate on what I was doing at work. My boss, Ron Walton, noticed that I was frequently not tuned-in to what was going on around me. He's a really nice guy and very much a father figure and mentor to me. He invited me for coffee and in his very quiet way tried to get me to tell him what was bothering me. I pretty much dodged the issue, but Ron wasn't going to let it go quite so fast.

"John, you're not yourself lately. Whatever it is, I have to be honest with you that it's starting to affect your work. You're making little mistakes that you normally never make. Others are catching them before something big gets screwed up, but, darn-it, you got to get your head back in the game, Bud."

There it was. Plain and simple. I exhaled and looked at the cup of coffee in my hand. "I'm sorry Ron, I know that I haven't been giving you my best for the last few weeks."

I exhaled, again, "I have a personal problem that I'm trying to deal with. I don't know what to do about it and, yes, it is affecting my work. I'll get my head out of my ass and I promise to do better."

He looked at me with a look of genuine concern, "John, whatever it is, I will do anything I can to help. All you have to do is ask, okay. If you need time off to work on it, just say so and it's yours. You're a good guy and I want you as part of the team so if you need anything from me, just name it."

He stood up to go and put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm serious, whatever you need."

He left me to think for a while. I knew the Andrea and her revelation of her extra-marital relationship with her lover had affected me to the point that I had a hard time sleeping, concentrating at work and just functioning.

Maybe I can't get her to stop her affair, but I had to do something for myself. I had to keep my sanity and keep my focus on what was important. I kept thinking about my three daughters.

I went back to see Roy. I had him start on that post-nuptial relationship agreement that he and the marriage counsellor talked about. What did I have to lose?

********

Week 4

It's Tuesday and I got home about 6 o'clock. Andrea was there and I figured that tonight was as good a time as any to talk to her. The kids were doing homework at the dining room table and Andrea was in the kitchen whipping up some food to eat. She's a reasonable cook and tries to make sure that we all eat a sensible diet. Tonight, was meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green peas. One of the kids' favourites.

After we had eaten and cleaned up the dirty dishes, I sent the girls out to the backyard to kick around a soccer ball. Tonight, wasn't a practice or activity night and Andrea hadn't told me that she had to go back to work. I went out and played with the kids.

The feeling of gloom that had enveloped my brain was slowly lifting as I resolved to take control of the situation and do something to make me, at least, feel better about Andrea's matter-of-fact statement to me about a month ago that having a lover on the side was something that she needed and that she would continue to make certain that her family always came first in her life.

Her devotion to me and to the children was, indeed, admirable. Yeah.

Once the kids were in bed, I went to the refrigerator and got out a bottle of Andrea's favourite white wine and got myself an IPA. I poured them and put them on the dining room table. It was the same thing that Andrea had done a few weeks ago when we had had out 'talk.' I went to our home office, where she was doing something on her laptop and stood in the doorway. "Andrea, could you come out to the dining room please, we have to talk about a few things."

Her head snapped around to look at me and I turned and walked away. A moment later she came out and I was already seated at the table. When she sat down, she looked a bit pale and I slid the glass of wine over to her. "You might want this."

Andrea picked the glass up and took a small sip. "What do you want to talk about Sweetie?"

I took a small sip of my beer and then I started. "A few weeks ago, you surprised the hell out of me with your admission that you were having sex with another man. Since then, you told me that you intended to continue. I have to be very honest with you and tell you that I still haven't wrapped my brain around the idea of sharing you with another man."

"You're not sharing me with anyone, John. I'm your wife, and you're my husband. That's it. What I do once a week with Rob is purely outside our marriage. It's strictly recreational. No different than you playing racquetball with someone other than me." She took another drink.

"I understand that that is the way you look at it. But I don't look at it quite the same way. To me this is about intimacy, that I think should only be shared between you and I." She started to say something but I held up my hand to stop her. "Let me finish please."

She took another drink.

"I have been to see two different people to help me deal with this issue and I have to tell you that a big part of me wishes that you had never told me that you were having sex with this guy."

"You mean Rob?"

"Yes, him. Are there other men? I've never asked you that. Do you have more than one boyfriend?"

"No, Dear. He's the only one."

"Have there been others, before him?"

"No, Dear."

I looked at the large grey envelope on the table that held the document that Roy had prepared. I took a large drink and exhaled as I made a mental note to get my children DNA tested to see if I was actually their father; who knows, she could be lying to me.

"What's in the envelope, Sweetie?"

"I've been to see my lawyer, Roy, you know him." Immediately Andrea's expression got very serious and she paled just a bit more.

"I went to see him and a marriage counsellor. Both recommended that we have some sort of written agreement between us that would give us both some 'guardrails' to operate within, for our marriage. The marriage counsellor told me that more and more couples are using this sort of agreement to bring out in the open many things that get left unsaid between them. When I first started to read about this, I was certainly floored by just how specific this sort of thing can be. It talks about lots of things that we don't actually talk about!"

I took another drink of my beer. I wasn't really sure that a Relationship Agreement was what we needed and I wasn't at all certain that Andrea was going to go for it, either. But frankly I didn't know what else to do, other than stick my head in the proverbial sand and ignore everything that she did. Could I do that? Could I just ignore what she was doing with another man? I knew that it would ultimately fester and eat away at me to the point that I would just lose it and do something stupid, like try to kick her to the curb, or hurt her and him in some way.

I had let Roy, and the marriage counsellor, try to convince me that using this Relationship Agreement as a tool to try to get Andrea to see just what impact on our marriage that her behaviours had created, would give her pause to re-evaluate just what she wanted. Would she decide to end her affair or would she decide to leave me and the kids? A third course of action for her might be to accept this agreement and then carry on with things just the way they were. If the third option was what she wanted then there were bigger consequences that she would see later on.

This Relationship Agreement, sadly, provides for a third party in the relationship. For Andrea, it gives her the ability to have her boyfriend 'Rob' on a regular basis, but she has to be honest with me and tell me what she is doing. I have to agree not to freak-out and do something to interfere with her and him.

The flip-side of this agreement is that I can do the same thing. There are consequences for what we both do, and this is one of them.

"So, I asked the marriage counsellor to put together this draft document and then I asked Roy to review it to make sure that this thing was fair to both of us."

Andrea looked at me and then the envelope and then took a gulp of her wine. Her eyes were a bit wider and the expression on her face was...surprised.

I continued on, "Since you told me that you need...more than I can give you, I was concerned about our situation, as a family. I want to make sure, first and foremost, that the girls are the first thing in our minds for decisions that we make as individuals and as a couple. They deserve that and they're my first priority, no matter what else happens with us."

Andrea took another gulp. "John, you're scaring me a bit, is this your way of saying that you want a divorce?"

"Oh, no! Quite the contrary Dear. I want us to stay married. I don't want to lose you. I love you very much and want to keep loving you. I just want to make sure that the girls are protected no matter what we do."

I paused. Not out of any dramatic necessity, but to take a drink. I needed it to keep going. "I know that things have changed a bit for you but if you're agreeable, I want this agreement for both of us to give us some rules to operate within so that the girls have a mother and father and they see us being just that. I want them to have a stable family to grow up in."

The look on Andrea's face brightened quite a bit. "I was a bit worried that you were telling me that you wanted a divorce. You know that I love you. You know that the girls and you are the first thing in my mind all the time."

I thought, how could she have her family at the top of her priority list on Thursdays when she was fucking her boyfriend? That didn't make sense at all. I looked her square in the eyes, "Thank you."

After another short pause I forged on, pointing at the envelope, "So, this is a draft Relationship Agreement. I want you to look at and tell me if this is reasonable. Everything in here is negotiable. Anything can be changed. We just have to agree to what it is."

Andrea frowned slightly, "Do you really think that we need a written agreement to manage our marriage? We've managed well for the last eleven years and three children, without one."

I looked square at my wife, "Since your revelation to me a month ago about 'Rob' and your intent to keep having sex with him, I thought it best that we set some rules. I mean, if you want to keep seeing him, or someone else, and if you want me to keep agreeing to it, then I think we need to make sure that our marriage pays attention to those things that give us stability. I mean, I don't...I can't...I can't just sit here and not say something that lets you know that I'm concerned about us. About our future as a couple and as a family. I just can't do nothing to protect what we have."

********

Andrea

My god, I had no idea that John felt that threatened by what I was doing with Rob. It had nothing to do with him. I took nothing away from us to give to Rob. Rob is just sex. Mindless, yes. But, good for me. I tried to dismiss it, as if it should mean nothing to him. And I didn't want it to mean anything to him. I wanted him to not think about it at all. I'm John's wife. I love him. Full stop!

Now this whole thing has started to get out of hand. I know for the last month that John has been cool to me. I thought that once he forgot about it, that we would get back to normal. I know that we haven't been intimate in any real way for the last month. I realized right then that he hadn't so much as touched me unless we were with the children. And then only as little as possible. Oh, fuck!

We haven't had sex for a month. Oh, oh! What the fuck does that mean? Is he afraid of me? Is he pulling back from me? Is he pulling away from our marriage? Is all this a lead-in to kick me out the door? Jesus!

I need to do some damage-control now, before this whole thing gets away from me. What the hell is this relationship agreement thing he has?

*********

John

"So, Andrea, I want you to look this over and then we should talk about it. I want us to agree to everything before we decide to live by this agreement. What do you think?"

"John, I don't need some piece of paper to tell me that I love you and our daughters."

I looked at Andrea, "And you know that I never figured that I needed a piece of paper to tell me that I loved you. But when you brought another man into your life, and my life, well that changed things." I let that sink in for a bit and took a sip of my beer. "I need to know a few things. That includes knowing what you're your long-term intent is. Are you planning on eventually trading me in for a new guy? Are you looking to move on, at some point? This thing you have with 'Rob' has got me very confused, Dear. Part of me says that you feel that I'm not good enough for you anymore. I don't fulfill you enough."

"Oh John, no! That's not it, at all. We talked about this before. Rob is just something that I need to scratch an itch that is...just there, and we have so much to do as a couple and a family that it just doesn't get touched. That's why it's during the afternoon. I scratch the 'itch' and then get cleaned up and come home to my real life and family. I've never, not even once, given any thought that I want a different life than I have with you and the girls. I've even thought that we should have more children."

That surprised the hell out of me. "What?" I took a drink. A million thoughts shot through my brain in an instant.

"You want more children?"

"I think it's a possibility. We need to talk about it, but what's wrong with making our family bigger? You and I love children. Our daughters are the centre of our lives. Have you ever thought about a son?"

I was taken completely off guard by this announcement by Andrea that we should have a fourth child. I mean, when would we, she, find the time to wedge in another child. She was already very busy with her work as a real estate agent and on top of the three children we had now, how would she deal with being pregnant. Oh wait, was this her way of saying that she was already pregnant? Fuck. And was Rob, the Thursday afternoon itch scratcher, the father?

"When would you want to have this baby?"

"We could start any time. Hell, right now is just as good as any. Let's go."

Andrea put down the wine glass, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards our bedroom. It wasn't Thursday, so I wouldn't be getting sloppy seconds. The sex with my wife was always great, but this night she put in an extra effort. We started out in the shower and then moved to the bed and then all around the bed for what seemed like hours. The sheets and the duvet were on the floor in a tangled mess when we finished. I was physically exhausted and in a state of confusion.

**********

The next day

At breakfast I told Andrea to take the envelope with the Relationship Agreement with her and have a look at it. I still wanted to get a few things sorted out before she carried on with her 'Thursday' activity. I wanted there to be some recognition that there might be some consequences. That we couldn't just pretend that we had an open marriage and everything would be hunky-dory. Nope.

********

"Relationship Agreement

This document is a Relationship Agreement between Andrea Stewart and John Stewart. It is effective from the date of their mutual signatures and provides for the tone of their marriage and the relationship between them and most importantly those rules that they agree to live by for the betterment of the marriage given that they have three children and that they both recognize and agree that the welfare of the children comes before all other considerations in their marriage.

Both Andrea and John agree that the outcome of any infringement of this agreement will not necessarily result in the end of their marriage and relationship, but will signify the need for a review of this agreement and some action to correct their individual behaviours or they will both agree to a change to this agreement.

The items of this agreement are not necessarily in order of importance, and are not all inclusive of those things that comprise a relationship or a marriage, but are listed to draw attention to them and bring a measure of importance of them to the relationship:

-- We agree to never threaten the relationship either in passing, during disagreements, arguments, or in the presence of our children, families or other people. Serious disagreements will be discussed in private between the two of us;

-- We agree to take responsibility for our own individual emotional responses, our fears and anxieties, and for ourselves in general;

-- We agree to consciously take time for ourselves as individuals (whether alone, with friends, and including on separate vacations, if we agree to do that);

-- We agree to maintain a weekly, distractions-free, no cell phone, date night;

-- We agree to remain growth oriented, while remaining patient with ourselves, and each other, and not expect growth to happen on any particular objective timeline. This recognizes the need to be cognizant of the others career aspirations and needs;

-- We agree to invest heavily in our own individual self-care, in order to be able to bring our best selves to our relationship. This acknowledges that we individually have a responsibility to be healthy and fit, as much as possible, and to ensure that the impacts of physiological issues do not impact the other. Further, while we are in any sexual relationship outside of each other, we agree to be tested regularly for any possible sexually transmitted diseases and to report the results of the testing to each other immediately following receipt of the results;

-- We acknowledge that we don't necessarily make each other happy, but rather, that we bring our individual happiness to the relationship to be shared with one another;

-- We agree to tell the full truth to each other, even when it's difficult to do so;

-- We agree to assume that the other partner always has our best interests at heart;

-- We agree to allow the space for the three separate entities in our partnership: you, me, and the other relationship;

-- We agree to have one day together per week where are phones are off and we can be fully present with each other, this is separate from the date night;

-- We agree to engage with each other sexually a minimum of once a week;

-- We agree to welcome and honour any and all emotions that come from each other, and we promise to do our best to not take those displays of emotions personally;

-- We agree to de-escalate our fights with a "Time out, I love you" whenever one or both of us feels like we are too far down the rabbit hole of defensiveness/feeling triggered or scared;

-- We agree to love and cherish every emotional breakthrough that comes up for us and to honour every tear that needs to be processed, in the safe space of our relationship;

-- We agree to keep any and all of our birthday/anniversary/holiday gifts under a $200 value; and

-- We agree to do our absolute best to uphold all of the intentions given in this agreement to the best of our ability, and we will be patient and loving with ourselves and each other when we will inevitably momentarily slip-up.

This agreement is an expression of intent and commitment to each other. It is not all encompassing and can be altered and changed through discussion and consent by both Andrea and John.

This relationship agreement is not intended to limit the commitment we make to each other. Our signatures below, signifies our intent and commitment.

_____________________. ___________________