John: How to Save a Life

She has helped me deal with Andrea in ways that I couldn't begin to explain. Andrea says that her Thursday sessions with her lover make her a better wife; well, my time with Jane makes me a better man. I'm still not sure it makes me a better husband. I think of it as 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' kind of thing. Or what was the popular phrase this year: Quid Pro Quo. Yeah, that's it.

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Jane

Hi there. I have to tell you that a year or so ago, I would never have thought that I would be in any sort of relationship with a married man. I mean, only incredibly stupid women get involved with married men. Women who are looking for trouble of the worst kind. We've all heard stories of women who have affairs with married men and then get dumped when the woman gets too serious and expects the man to leave his wife. Really, is that an expectation that anyone with a brain would think is going to happen? Sometimes it does, but that is a rare occurrence. So, the best policy for single women is to avoid married men.

But that doesn't always happen. Occasionally one of them slips past your defences and before you know it, you're in a relationship with him. You think, 'shit, how did that happen?' But then, you go ahead and get involved. But you set limits for yourself. You think like a mature adult and you tell yourself not to let him work his way past a point where you think that he is something more than just a good recreational fuck. Friends with benefits. That's a thing nowadays.

But after a while, when you get comfortable with him and you start to have pet names for him: Sweetheart, Sweetie, Dear, Darling, Hon, Babe, and a plethora of other names that your imagination can conjure, you get reckless with your emotions. You start to think in longer timelines and what-ifs. You start to make plans that you really cannot make come true in any concrete sense. You begin to fool yourself. But then you snap back to the here-and-now and remember that you are the 'other woman.' You're the woman that he didn't promise to love, honour and cherish until death do you part, or a court order says different.

But then you also remember why you got involved with him. That his wife is getting 'it' on the side with some younger guy with a big dick. So, who is fooling who here? Am I fooling myself or is his wife fooling herself? Is she being even more stupid by putting into jeopardy her marriage to him? Is she giving him away? Is she saying to him, and others, I'm starting to make my exit from this marriage? Marriage, to him at least, is not what she expected it to be. The life that she wanted isn't coming real for her. The drudgery of a family and work and life is not how she expected to spend her life. Where is the excitement? Where are all the endless orgasms that she had when she was young and carefree and didn't have endless commitments and demands and schedules to be attended to? Where is her life?

Wait a minute. Some people want that life. Some people want to have the banality of a family and the security of knowing ultimately there will be children that will look to you for...life, liberty and happiness. You're the parent, the leader, the setter of the example. You're the one that the family will come to for all the things that define what a family really is. You're the stability that is the backbone of the family. The patriarch or the matriarch. The parent, the mother, the father; you're the one that the children will come to for the rest of your life. What could be better than that?

I want that. I'm young and I'm healthy and I'm smart and talented. I have a lot of energy and I have a strong work ethic and a very good grounding in what is right and wrong. I'm probably too loyal, sometimes, and I like the security of a sure-thing. I like the idea of normalcy, regularity, to my life. I want to come home to a house of people that depend on me. But I also want to teach them to be independent. My mother and father taught that to me. It was a lesson well learned. But lately I've been feeling the need for closeness. Closeness of a family of my own. I want a child, my own. It's time.

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Week 60

John

Biking season is finally here. I can't wait to get out there, work hard, sweat, get dirty and have fun.

Andrea and I are still...managing to remain as a couple. Her career in the real estate world is keeping her very busy and she continues to rave about how great it is to be in the real estate business. I guess she enjoys her work. She's out with clients at all hours of the day and night. I've long ago taken up the slack with the kids and spend evenings and weekends with them. We are busy with their sports and artistic activities and I swear that the engine of my car rarely cools off before 10 o'clock at night. When the girls are in bed, I get caught up on some of my work, tidy the house, load the dishwasher, take a shower and collapse in the bed.

Andrea and I are spending less and less time with each other. I know that she is still having sex with her Thursday boyfriend, Rob, or whatever his name is. I can't really do anything about it. If I do take action, the biggest losers will be my daughters, and then me. But, right now, they see so little of their mother what will be any different? Even if I launch a divorce, she will still be working all hours of the day and night and I will be the primary care-giver.

Jane and I are still seeing each other. She's an amazing woman.

What the fuck do I do? That question keeps pounding around in my brain. I need to get some perspective on all this.

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Week 63

John

My boss met with me and told me about a new project for the company, that he wants me involved in. It's going to mean some travel away for two or three days every other week, for the next few months. I went home and told Andrea about the new project and her reaction was...indifference, to a degree. I mentioned that this was a possible path to a move up in the company, if I did well with this challenge. She merely nodded her head and kept on doing what she was doing at her laptop. I don't think she was paying attention. After supper, on my way to one of the girls' basketball practice I told them that I might be away, every once in a while, with work for a night or two.

"You guys are going to have to help Mum a bit more on those nights. You know, tidying up the kitchen and making sure that you get your homework taken care of. And not staying up later that your regular lights-out time."

They all kind of laughed at that comment. My kids are good and I knew that they could be counted on to help out and do their part. My oldest, Diane, now 12 years-old, and seemingly going on 32, gave me a 'Hmmm' as we talked.

"Dad, does this mean that Mum will be getting babysitters to stay with us?"

I thought for a second, "I suppose she might have to from time-to-time, because of her work. But I hope that she doesn't have to, very often."

My daughter is a very smart little ticket and quickly came back, "Well, it's not like we see her that much now."

That comment by a 12-year-old stuck to me hard. She realized that she saw little of her mother. It wasn't all because of her Thursday afternoon hook-up with what's-his-name, but it was about her overall attention to her real-estate business and how it ruled her. In the back of my mind, I knew that I has to figure out what to do. At the very least I figured that I needed to talk to Andrea and make sure that she had a good appreciation for what the next few months would mean for her.

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John

My talk with Andrea went about as well as expected. She agreed that my job demands would be a good career opportunity for me and that she would, of-course, pick up the slack with the kids. She looked at me with an amazed expression on her face. "Don't you think I know how to take care of my own children?"

"I'm not saying that at all." I was a bit exasperated by her tone. "What I am trying, so ineloquently, to say is that you need to be prepared to spend a bit more time with the kids on those nights I'm away. That's all. Just be aware that I'm away. I'll share my plans well in advance and we can set up whatever help that we'll need to take care of things." I went on, "I know that your schedule is all over the place but you might sometimes have to reschedule or delay some things. That's all."

Andrea just nodded at me and went back to her cell phone and the text or e-mail that she was taking care of. And that was the end of that.

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Week 68

John

A few things to share with you that are important. I'm getting deep into my new project and while it's a challenge I know that if I keep my focus on engineering and technology parts, I can do this and do it well.

I was meeting with my bank personal accounts representative and we were discussing all the normal things that we do twice a year. I was working to try and pay down the mortgage faster than the payment schedule called for. It would ultimately save a bunch of interest. Leeann mentioned that our 'other' account was doing very nicely and had a healthy balance. I wasn't sure which account she was talking about; I figured that it was our investment account that I started three years ago. I put some money in it every month and invest it in the stock markets. She looked at me funny and said it was the account that we deposit bonus checks into.

My mind was turning over trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. She reminded me that this was the account that Andrea makes deposits to. Not regularly, and never the same amount but it had built up over the last three years and now there was over $180,000 in the account. Then it hit me like a tractor trailer.

My mouth was open as I realized that Andrea was trying to hide money from me. The long hours were to cover the fact that a good portion of her commissions were being funnelled off and put in her 'secret' account.

Leeann was looking at her computer and suddenly her eyes got very wide and she realized that my name was nowhere on the account and that she had just violated some banking rule regarding customer privacy. She had the 'oh-shit' look on her face. She changed the subject very quickly and told me that the bank would be happy to drop the rate on my mortgage by another half-a-percentage point, considering how much they valued me as a client. I got the message. Say nothing about Leeann's slip-up and save myself some more money. I was fine with that.

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Week 70

John

I'm back into the biking season and enjoying it even more. I splurged on a new, more high-tech bike. This one is a red Trek Procalibre, lighter than my other bike and ready for both trails and roads. It will let me take my rides to a new level. I've been working out to increase my stamina and am running up to 10 miles a day. I get up at 5 AM and run and then shower and get to work after I drop the girls at school. My old Subaru also got traded in for a new one that is designed and kitted-out for more off-road driving. Aggressive tires, black wheels and a dark green paint job along with some other things make this a really good adventure car.

Jane and Judy are back biking this season. Judy and her boyfriend split. He moved to another part of the country, someplace in California, to pursue his work passion; that and another girl that he had hooked up with. Judy is none-the-worse for it and seems happy. Jane is another story.

She and I are still FWBs and still having fun. But she is changing, in very subtle ways. Also, Andrea is changing in a similar, but different (if that makes any sense) fashion. I'll try and explain as best I can.

I'm no psychiatrist, but if anything, the last year has taught me is to be extra observant of people. Now, I'm an engineer, and we, collectively, are frequently accused of being clueless when it comes to people. We're good with machinery and technical issues, but when it comes to figuring out human psychology and what makes people the way they are, well...let's just say we often miss the obvious. I mean, that's why Andrea was able to fuck around with her Thursday toy-boy, and I never clued-in until the evidence fell out of her handbag. I wasn't watching for anything. I didn't notice the little things about my wife that might have told me that something was going on. But now that I was a bit more educated, I was noticing things.

First, I noticed that Jane was starting to be much more...intimate, with me. It wasn't about the sex; it was about the level of familiarity that a couple shares. It was the little things; now she called me Dear; more often than she used my name. She knew me well enough to know the kind of foods that I liked and if we were meeting at a café or a restaurant, she might even order one of my favourites for me before I got there. She knows that I drink diet cola and once-in-a-while I like a beer, usually an IPA. She knows how much I weigh and what my clothing sizes are. She knows that I like both pop music and classical.

I noticed that Jane is making more-and-more references to others and their families. One weekend when I was with the girls, we went out to the RV show. Jane knew that I was taking the girls there and asked if she could join us. We had a great time exploring the campers and RVs and it gave Jane a chance to meet my daughters. After, we went to fast-food place and the girls were putting questions to her. I told them that Jane and I had met at the biking club that I belonged to. I told them that she was a really good bike rider and she is much faster than their father. They laughed at that. My oldest, Diane, even commented that their mother would never ride a mountain bike on muddy trails. That comment got me a tiny smirk from Jane; almost unnoticeable, but it was there. It was more of a 'un-huh' thing, than anything else.

On the way home, Diane mentioned that Jane seemed like a very nice person.

I mentioned earlier that I sensed that Andrea was changing, in very subtle ways. She was spending more and more time at work and booking new clients, well beyond her time availability. She had hired an assistant, a new agent, and given her the job of doing a lot of the paperwork. This gave Andrea more time to spend to meet people and supposedly to show properties.

Her time with me and the girls was becoming less and less. She worked most evenings and a good part of every weekend. Our intimacy was near zero. She rarely ate supper with her family. She would frequently get home late, shower, make herself a drink, and then launch into her laptop to do more work.

I tried to talk to her a few times, but she was always distracted by her phone or laptop. Just to find out if she was listening at all, I said to her that I had booked a three-week vacation for all of us to Europe, this summer. She nodded and gave me a 'that's nice.' I knew then that it was time to take some kind of action. I needed Roy and his expertise, again.

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Week 73

John

I pulled out the relationship agreement that Andrea and I had signed, a year ago. This thing really was a joke. I mean, how can you negotiate a marriage that has any meaning? I think, now that it is almost impossible. I was in love with Andrea when we got married and my love for her grew after each of our daughters were born. I figured that I had the world by the tail. I had a near-perfect family and a growing career. We lived the good life and our future was looking good. So, what happened?

Life happened. That's what happened. Did I take Andrea for granted? Did I ignore her to my detriment? Did I fail her as a husband? Did I put my priorities in the wrong order? Why did things get so fucked up? And the worst part was that my wife wasn't interested enough to talk to me about our marriage, and when she did she dismissed my concerns, telling me that she loved me and the kids and that everything was just fine just the way it way. No, it wasn't just fine. If our marriage was just fine there wouldn't be Thursday afternoon 'itch-scratching' with what's-his-name. There wouldn't be the giant elephant in the corner of our marriage.

I decided to go and see Roy. He would know what to do, or at least have a better sense of what I should be doing. I took a copy of the relationship agreement with me.

When I got to Roy's office, he greeted me with his usual warmth, which is to say his normal very serious expression. Even his handshake tries to convey confidence, but I'm not sure if the man ever actually smiles. "So, how are you, John?"

I sat down, "Well, where do I begin. I have been worse and I have been better. Last time we spoke, over a year ago, was when Andrea and I agreed to this relationship agreement." I held it up to show him. He nodded as he said 'Hmmm' and held up his copy; I should have known. "Things have been going pretty much the same as they were before. Which is to say that she is still seeing some other man once a week. I'm seeing a woman once-in-a-while; she's become a very good friend."

"Hmmm, I see," was Roy's response to my opening statement. But did he really see? "Things in my life have become...complicated. I sense that Andrea and I are growing apart. She is more distant and preoccupied than ever. She is hard to talk to, by times, when she is actually home. She is working more hours than ever before and a few weeks ago I discovered that she had been putting money in secret account. There is likely over a quarter of a million dollars there. What the hell does this all mean?"

I pretty much knew the answer to my own question, but I needed to hear it from someone that had dealt with cases like this in the past.

"Well, John, all this is troubling, indeed. I think it's time to bring in a person that can help to answer some of your questions. I have a very experienced investigator available to me who can help you get information that will assist in your decision-making process." With that he reached over to his phone and buzzed his assistant and asked her to call Bob.

A couple of minutes later the phone buzzed and Roy answered and talked to his man Bob about some surveillance work. After a couple of 'un-huhs' Roy turned to me and said, "he'll be here in about 10 minutes."

After bob came in and introductions were made, Bob explained what it is that he does for a living. He also explained that he has worked with Roy, amongst many other lawyers, for a few years now. He also explained what it would cost to find the information that I needed. Basically, I wanted to know just what the hell Andrea was up to. I wanted a better degree of knowledge about her extra-marital sexual activities and about her secret bank account and what it was for.

Bob took notes. Lots of notes and I could see that he was making a plan. He told me that everything I wanted to know was possible to find out. He had the ability to discretely 'find' information that many of us take for granted is secure from prying eyes. I just wanted to know what the fuck my wife was doing. On the flip-side of that I suppose she might want to know what I know about her and what I was planning on doing. Fuck me, this is getting complicated and ridiculous.

I wrote a cheque to Bob as a retainer and after some further hand shaking, I left to ponder my future.

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Week 75

Two agonizing weeks have gone by and finally Roy called to tell me that Bob had a report to share with me. We scheduled a time for the next day to go over the information that he had managed to find, dig up, whatever. My gut was in a knot the whole night. I couldn't concentrate on much, to the point that my girls reminded me for the umpteenth time that they needed help with some homework. I shook my head and tried my best to do what I had to do. Andrea wasn't home, as usual.

The next day, I rushed to Roy's office to find out what Bob had to tell me. After the greetings we got down to the reason for the meeting.