Jumping Into the Deep End

Please read my profile for my stance on comments. Feel free to email suggestions or to start a conversation. Private messages work too.

Stephen Stills: "Paranoia strikes deep. Into your life it will creep. It starts when you're always afraid."

Lyrics from a Bob Mcdill & Wayland D. Holyfield song are also woven into this story.

= = = =

Sharon and I first met when I was a freshman at State. She was in one of my core classes, and struggling. Since I was on a mission to get laid, I offered to tutor her. She was interested in my being her tutor, but not so much in helping me get laid.

When I started to pay attention to another girl in class, things changed. Playing hard to get only works if you have no competition.

Although things changed overnight, it was still in a tempered sort of way. Available, but not easy, best describes our courtship. After a slow start, we became the typical college couple, screwing morning noon and night.

Here I sit now, twenty four years later, about to embark on another adventure. This has been the toughest month of my life. You can't run away from yourself. Joy lifts you up while pain pins you down. I'd been wishing I was dead. The searing pain in my heart told me that there were things worse than death.

+ + + +

There was no way I could pull this off on my own, so I enlisted my kids. They're all young adults now.

I have two sons, Nathan and Matt, and Lynette is my eldest and only daughter. As much as they wanted to go to college 'out of state', when faced with the projected student debt, all chose to attend in-state universities.

All three participated in multiple sports in high school, but only Matt dabbled once he entered college. Riding the bench his entire freshman year put an end to his athletic dreams. He was big, but not big enough to start as a collegiate offensive lineman.

Lynette finished her degree last spring, and has a decent entry level job in town. She lives with a couple of young ladies.

Matt is on track to graduate next spring, and still lives at home. He's been with the same young lady since his freshman year.

Nathan, well how can I put this nicely, is on track to finish in maybe six years. He was a bit straight laced and shy in high school. College opened his eyes. Those eyes seemed to be unable to focus on his studies. After his siblings had a little sit down with him, he seems to have changed his focus. He lives off campus, with an ever changing cast of characters.

Holding your children, while they cry, is something you expect to do when they're young. It rips your heart out when you're doing that with your adult children. After sharing the investigator's report with each, my job was to be their rock.

It was as if a switch had been flipped. I had to be strong for my kids. I turned to stone. It's hard to explain it, but just like that, I was void of emotion. Nothing mattered to me.

My kids and I were a team, and all of us had each other's backs. This weekend's party was the chosen ambush site.

+ + + +

I arrived home late, on purpose.

Sharon greeted me with "I don't know what your problem is. You've hardly spoken a word to me in a month. Get your head out of your ass. We have a backyard full of people. Try to be pleasant."

I ignored her.

Looking at the gathered crowd, I saw that people were enjoying themselves, including the few that I wanted present. We have a mid-sized pool buried in our back yard. The lawn chairs were placed far enough from the edge to avoid the splashes from the kids enjoying themselves.

As I was making the rounds, introducing myself where needed. I made a point to track down Beth. She remarried about six months ago. I was out of town at the time and missed the ceremony. Sharon has worked with Beth for at least five years.

"Beth, good to see you again. This must be your husband?"

"Yes" as she turned to face her man "Hank, this is Chris. I work with his wife Sharon."

"Nice to meet you Chris" was met with silence from me.

Our handshake was unremarkable and Hank seemed distracted.

I settled into my place of honor. Sharon put a Chivas on the rocks next to me, saying nothing. Pissy little attitude, that one. The caterer was busy putting the tins of Mexican food out. The free bar was swamped.

After making small talk, Sharon's dad chimed in "Chris, are you going to sing some songs before dinner?"

I played in a band in my youth. Thinking that the only thing you really needed to succeed was a good band name, we kept changing names every month or two. Our gigs were in dives and it was more like orchestrated drug dealing and cheating. We played our last gig as The Winking Pumpkins. Our real problem was loft: Lack of fucking talent.

I look like a cat making bread as I claw at my guitar. My voice barely carries a tune, but since this was my party, the gathered guests always give me the obligatory compliments after each song.

Nathan leapt to his feet "I'll grab your guitar dad!"

I immediately shot back "Don't touch the electric ones!"

A minute later, Nathan reappeared holding my cheap Yamaha six string acoustic guitar. I've got some really expensive electric guitars, but they stay out of harm's way.

"Here you go dad. Can you play some Five Finger Death Punch?"

"No, but thanks for asking" brought the usual snickers. He knows I can't stand heavy metal.

With the guitar on my lap, I pulled my wallet out. I carry my favorite pick next to my credit cards. Matt stood behind Hank, while Nathan placed his hands softly on his mother's shoulders. Sharon was sitting next to her parents.

Lynette waited nervously as I sang Clint Black's 'Killing Time' and Little River Band's 'Cool Change'. Such a pity that Sharon wasn't paying attention to my song selections.

Lynette gave the signal we'd agreed upon by requesting "Dad, do you know 'I met a friend of yours today'?"

"Well, I haven't practiced many George Strait songs, but I do know that one."

As I settled in for my last song, a well-dressed gentleman appeared at Lynette's side.

Looking at Sharon, I began. After the first stanza, Sharon had a somewhat bemused look on her face.

As I continued, the words began to make sense to Sharon. Hank was starting to fidget. Sharon's bemused look had morphed into a very frightened one. Nathan applied a little downward pressure on Sharon's shoulders. She wasn't going anywhere.

I turned to face Hank, who was sitting close to Beth, then I continued singing.

'I listened for a while, and I could tell. That that stranger there he knew you, much too well.'

It was actually my best friend, Mark, who clued me in. He'd been working at the same construction company for twenty years. Then Hank was hired. When Hank started bragging about shagging some broad with a cauliflower ear, Mark perked up. Sharon's right ear fits that description, and Mark was aware of it. That disclosure bothered me enough to hire an investigator.

Staring into Hank's eyes, I continued the song. Matt placed his palms on Hank's shoulder, applying downward pressure on the squirming jerk. He was no match for an offensive lineman, even if Matt wasn't good enough to start. I bore holes into Hank's heartless eyes as his face paled.

I turned back to Sharon, whose tears were leaking down her cheek. Lynette led the process server to her mother. Lynette has a remarkable voice, and she joined in for the finale.

'Please don't cry woman, 'cause it's much too late for tears. Yeah, I'm sorry too, 'cause it hurts after all these years. And ain't it sad, a love like ours should end this way. And all because, I met a friend of yours today.'

She knew that I knew. Hell, everyone at the party figured it out.My heart was cold and emotionless, but there was venom in Lynette's voice as she stared daggers at her mother.

The well-dressed gentleman handed a manila envelope to my soon to be ex. He had been instructed to over dramatize the delivery. "Mrs. Sharon Carsen, due to your affair with Hank Anderson, you have been served with divorce papers."

Nathan made sure that Sharon sat still. Matt held Hank in place, which made it easier for Beth to bitch slap the bastard. Try as he might, he couldn't avoid Beth's claws forever. He's lucky he didn't lose an eye. I don't think I've ever seen a woman that incensed. Sharon was unprepared for the right hook Beth connected just before she stormed out the door. Based on how limp she held her right hand, I think Beth may have injured her fist. Lynette caught up with Beth and gave her a copy of the investigator's report.

As Lynette was sprinting towards Beth, Nathan threw Sharon into the pool. A moment later Matt launched Hank for an unplanned swim.

I put the guitar down as the caterer loudly announced "THE BUFFET IS OPEN! COME AND GET IT."

My singing must have turned people off. Most skipped dinner and left. The homeless shelter will be getting several tins of food tonight. I hope they like fajitas and twice baked beans. I'm keeping the churos as I suspect I'll be needing some comfort food.

Sharon, dazed and bruised, climbed out of the pool and dripped a trail of water to the master bedroom. With Matt, Lynette, and Nathan at my side, we bid farewell to those fleeing the scene.

When Sharon's mother approached, with clenched fists, I knew trouble was brewing.

"Chris, this is a sensitive matter, and should have been handled privately!"

Before I could get my response out, Matt practically shouted "Grandma, shut the fuck up! Maybe you should have spent a little more time teaching morals to your daughter. She screwed the pooch and now she has to pay. Letting all of her friends and relatives know that what she promises, and what she delivers, are two very different things was more than appropriate."

The fight was over. Her shoulders slumped as she silently turned and walked away. Sharon's father mouthed 'I'm sorry' as they left.

+ + + +

Not surprisingly, the bedroom door was locked every time I checked. Matt, Nathan, and Lynette helped each other clean up, as I started the process of the soon to be divorced.

Having been warned, by my divorce attorney, to not transfer money destined for Sharon, I did the next best thing. I removed the credit cards, ATM card, and cell phone from Sharon's purse. After tracking down the checkbook and lock box key, I was pretty sure she'd been cut off from all of our money.

Matt announced that one battery cable, on Sharon's car, had been disabled.

At 6 Am, I thought I heard the front door close. I was on the couch at the time, eyes closed, but no longer sleeping. Nathan and Lynette had gone back to their places last night, and Matt was sleeping in his room. I wasn't surprised when a livid Sharon stormed back into the house.

"CHRIS! Why won't my car start?" loud enough to wake the dead.

Lightly groaning as I sat up on the couch "Beats me. Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench to you?"

"Where's my phone?"

"I don't know. Have you checked the bottom of the pool? Kind of early to be tossing a hissy-fit, isn't it?"

"I have to get away for a few days. I made a mistake, but there's no reason we can't work through this."

"Really? I won't dignify the mistake comment, but no, there won't be any reconciliation. I'd rather die a lonely man than live the rest of my life with you."

There was no venom in my voice, but Sharon acted like she'd just been bitten by a python.

"You just need a few days to cool down. That's why I have to get away."

"So start walking. Get your attorney to talk with mine, and THEY can work out any issues you have with the proposed asset split."

"That's it? Take it or leave it? Doesn't our twenty five years together mean anything to you?"

"Strange you should ask that, as it meant NOTHING to you. Now get the fuck out of here, or go lock yourself in the bedroom" as I stood and started towards Sharon.

Matt appeared behind Sharon "Dad, I'll take the trash out!"

Sharon was no match for Matt, who hoisted her onto his shoulders. He opened the sliding glass door, as she beat on his back, and a few seconds later I heard Sharon screaming.

"MATT! PUT ME DOWN! I'M YOUR MOTHER. MATTHEW, DON'T YOU DARE THROW ME INTO THE POOL! I MEAN IT MATT!"

Which was followed by a loud splash. I couldn't contain my chuckle. Matt smiled at me when he entered the kitchen.

"Dad, I'll keep an eye on her if you want to get dressed."

Before I could respond, a dripping Sharon silently recreated last night's trail of water into the master bedroom. That door did not close softly.

"Looks like the bedroom is currently occupied Matt" as we both laughed.

About thirty minutes later, Sharon left quietly. I suspected one of her friends in the neighborhood would place a call for her, and I wasn't disappointed. Thirty minutes later her mother loaded two suitcases into her trunk.

Monday didn't work out very well for Sharon. She was transferred to a division five hundred miles away. Take it or quit. She has a week to decide. It was Beth who spearheaded the change, and also let me know about it.

On Tuesday, after Sharon's attorney contacted mine, I was directed to get Sharon's car working and find or replace her phone. A half hour later, she was back in business. They didn't tell me I had to tell her, that the problems were solved, so I didn't. That got me an admonishment from my lawyer the next day.

+ + + +

Thursday evening my kitchen was full. Matt and his girlfriend, Lynette and her girlfriends, and Nathan and a few of his friends both male and female. We were waiting for Sharon's arrival. She had called Wednesday night with the way too late "Can we talk?"

I was tipping a tall neck while Nathan and his friends were passing a joint around. It's legal in our state. I don't partake, nor do I think my kids should. I had other battles to fight, so I said nothing. At least Matt and Lynette weren't participating.

Sharon let herself in. She had gone out of her way to look pretty. Wearing a distraught look, she approached me "I was hoping we could talk in private."

Lynette jumped up "Nonsense mom, we wanted you to meet some of the ladies we're trying to hook dad up with!"

Gina, one of Lynette's girlfriends, added "Yeah, Mrs. Carsen, what kinds of things does Chris like in the bedroom? Some inside information could really improve my chances."

Sharon raised her voice "There's not going to be ANY 'hooking up' while I'm still around."

Matt stood up "Problem solved" as he grabbed Sharon's arm.

"No, Matt please let me go" as Matt wrapped Sharon's kicking and pleading body around his neck. Sharon's one twenty small frame was no match for Matt's weight room torso. Nathan slid the patio screen open.

"PUT ME DOWN! NOW! MATTHEW JAMES CARSEN, I'M NOT KIDDING! THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE OUTFIT! NOT THE POOL!" was followed by a loud splash.

High-fiving Nathan as he came back in, Matt slid the sliding glass door closed, and locked it. The creature from the backyard lagoon banged on the glass, cussing and screaming. She left through the side gate. Lynette met her out front, handing her the purse and phone she arrived with, but no towel. We heard a car horn blaring for ten minutes before some red and blue lights lit up the evening sky.

The car horn stopped, and a few minutes later I got a text from Sharon 'Can we meet at Denny's?'

I couldn't resist 'The one near the community center pool?'

'NO! The one by the mall. Come ALONE!'

'When?'

'In an hour. I need to change into dry clothes.'

'Maybe next time you should wear a swimsuit when you drop by the house' drew no response.

+ + + +

We sat quietly for a few minutes, after being seated at our table, and then Sharon began "Why are you being this way Chris?"

The waitress at Denny's looked like she might finally feel like taking our order, so I waited to answer Sharon's question. You're only granted an audience with these waitresses every once in a while, so you have to be prepared when it does happen.

Once our orders were taken, I responded "Haven't a clue what you're talking about Sharon."

"You're treating me like a stranger. No emotion. No compassion. No nothing."

"Happens when someone rips your heart out. Did you ever love me? Doesn't matter. Twenty five years and now I can't trust a single memory. Thanks for destroying everything."

"Chris, don't think that. Not only DID I love you, I still do. I made a horrible "

I cut her off "SAVE IT!"

"NO! It was over. I'd already told Hank we'd never meet again!"

"Like that changes anything? Never meet again should have been EVER meet in the first place. You're right, it's over. Not you and Hank, you and me."

"I'm not giving up. And the kids? You've turned them against me!"

"Not true. Yes, I shared the investigator's report with them, but you not only cheated on me, you cheated on your family. I'm done with you, but maybe there's a chance with one or more of your children. Don't pin your hopes on Matt, as he seems to be taking this the hardest."

"If you had kept this quiet, we could have worked it out."

"If you had kept your wedding vows, we wouldn't have had to work it out."

Sharon wouldn't look at me. She swiped across her eyes every once in a while. Other table's conversations were tame in comparison. In a minor surprise, our food was prepared rather quickly. We managed to eat in silence.

Sharon meekly asked "Can I move back home? Mom wants me to leave."

"Locks haven't been changed. I don't plan on moving out of the master bedroom, and you're not welcome there. You'll have to convince one of the kids to let you use their old bedroom, or sleep on the couch."

"Thank you. I'm sorry. I really am."

"Good for you. Leave. I'll pick up the check."

"I don't know how you can be so emotionless. This is ripping me apart."

"Now you know how I felt, when I discovered. I hope it hurts. I really do. Go! Get lost."

Sharon managed to choke out one more tearful "I'm sorry" as she turned and left.

I should be devastated, but I'm as calm as can be. Emotional shock had become my frontline defense. I am numb to my surroundings, just going through the motions. What happens when you wake up and that defense has deserted you? I dread the day.

+ + + +

Nathan relented and Sharon moved into his bedroom. We tiptoed around each other through the weekend.

On Monday morning, Matt stuck his head into my room. It was as my 6 Am alarm clock chimed.

"Hey Dad, I've got an early test, so I'm out of here. Love you."

"Drive safely. Love you too."

I was still numb. Sitting up, I swung my legs over the edge, planting my feet on the cold floor. Down the hall I heard the commotion.

"MATT! I'M NOT DRESSED! PUT ME DOWN!"

I did have some emotions, as I chuckled.

"MATTHEW! DON'T DO THIS!" as something crashed in the kitchen.

The neighbors were awake now, as Sharon was saying things not found in the bible. I also heard the splash. A minute later Sharon appeared, looking like a wet nightgown contestant. I locked my bedroom door, and took a shower. When I left for work, there was a trail of water into Nathan's bedroom. I thought I heard Sharon crying.

+ + + +

On Tuesday night, Sharon announced that she had resigned but had a very good job offer from another firm. I listened, but said nothing.

Wednesday morning, there was a repeat of the commotion down the hall.

"MATTHEW, PLEASE! THIS IS MY FIRST DAY ON THIS JOB. I HAVE TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. PUT ME DOWN!"

It would make me blush to repeat some of the things that Sharon said. And she used to kiss me with that mouth! I left for work before Sharon. When I returned home, Sharon's things were gone. The short note on the bed read 'I can't live my life this way. Please tell Matt that I'm sorry and still love each and every one of you. Can't you find it in your heart to work this out?'