Karma is a Journey

Remember telling me how you wanted to be successful and play with the big boys? How you wanted me to make a "good impression?" How these men could finance our life? What was spending ten grand on an LBD, fuck-me pumps and La Perla lingerie? You were parading me to those men like a paid whore. But when I performed as one, you got upset?

"That's right. I admit it. I wanted the good life and the perks. I even sought fun and uninhibited sex. You know, the sex you wanted from Gail. The woman you were to have at the first party after our initiation Brett. But you had to go and ruin it all for us.

"That is why I didn't tell you Brett - because you live in fantasy land. You think wealth and accomplishment come without a price, without sacrifice. I was willing to pay that price for us Brett. But I knew you would baulk, and I would have to drag you across the finish line.

"I had hoped you would stand up and do what was needed - that you would put two and two together. Instead, you had a fit, made a scene and wrecked it for us both."

"I'm sure you are doing well being Duke's mistress or whatever you are these days," I replied.

"Oh, you silly stupid man," she said, shaking her head. "You think that all that was about them getting my pussy?"

"Wasn't it?"

"No, you moron. I can't believe how dense you are. It was all about you showing them that you would do anything to have them as clients. You were their target -- not me. I was but a way for them to test you. It was your test Brett. Not mine. But you blew it. For both of us."

"Speaking of blowing Lori, you blew your test too, no pun intended."

"Don't be juvenile Brett. And if you mean the fidelity test or loyalty test, you can forget that guilt trip. You knew what was going on. Don't you deny it. Gail was explaining it to you along every step. Yet you did nothing to stop it. You just watched me degrade myself for nothing. You knew Brett! You fucken knew. And let it happen. What does it say about you?"

"I wanted to test you to see if you would cheat."

"Cheat! Cheat? Are you for real? You brought me to that gathering to be your eye candy dressed like a whore. You realized what Duke was doing. Gail told you, and you dare tell me that you were testing me? Get over yourself, Brett."

"Are you finished? You..."

"What? What are you going to call me, Brett? A cheating whore? A slut?"

"What would be the point? You have your story, and I have mine."

She stared at me with a mix of anger, despair and disappointment.

"Was that all?" I asked.

"No. There was something you said that night that bugs me."

"What was that?" I replied, fiddling with my pen in irritation.

"You thanked Duke for showing you that I was - how did you put it?"

"The wrong woman for me," I replied defiantly.

"Yes, that. The wrong woman," she said as her eyes got wet, and she shook her head as if to regain her composure. "That hurt Brett. It still does. You...."

She stopped in midsentence and shook her head in anger and disappointment.

"Oh, damit! Fuck this. There's no reaching you. Where is the pen?"

Her lawyer gave her his as she reached for the divorce papers. We would split everything we had up until the day I left Atlanta 50-50. We had no kids, so it was a clean split. She had sold the house for a good profit with my lawyer's approval earlier that month and moved to an apartment near her job. She signed on a few dotted lines and pushed the papers toward me.

"You had it wrong Brett. You didn't marry the wrong woman. I married the wrong man."

There. We had both signed and were willing to move on. All of a sudden, I no longer cared what Lori said or thought.

"I hope you find the right man for you," I said as we stared at each other for the last time.

"Frankly, Brett Buttler, I don't give a shit."

"You got the quote wrong," I replied as she walked away.

"Fuck off!" she said as she gave me the finger and walked out.

I didn't care that she got the last word in. It no longer mattered as I had gotten what I had come back for. She had signed, and I was free.

Her lawyer smiled, shook hands with mine and walked out after her. Then they talked about dinner out together with their wives and golf on Saturday at their club. After that, I swang by my attorney's office to sign some final papers, including turning over my SUV to them as part of my payment, as I didn't feel like driving it back to California. And just like that, I was done with my life in Atlanta and was single again.

***

Pride is a hard thing to swallow

It wasn't until I was back in Cali that what Lori had said to me hit home. I hated what she said because... because she had been right. No matter how Duke's offer disgusted me, had I gone through with it, I would have been rich by now with wealth beyond what either Lori or I could have ever amassed.

I mean, what exactly had been asked of me by Duke? To watch him debase my wife? He had already defiled her. Him doing it again with my future clients would have been humiliating but so profitable. So why had I baulked? Why had I reacted the way I did?

The answer was in what both Lori and I had said at different times. We had both married the wrong person. She wanted someone to go all out in the pursuit of wealth and upper-class life. While I... wanted what?

Oh, sure. I wanted the stuff, the power and even the extramarital sex. I was no prude. Under different circumstances, I would not have been averse to sharing Lori. Had Duke offered Gail that evening, I would have let the process with him begin. As for his buddies doing my wife without sharing their women, that was also a no go proposition. Why?

Because it was demeaning, that's why. No matter how much money I made from all three of them after. No matter how many times I got to fuck their wives, the memory of my humiliation would stay in my mind forever. Each time they would look at me, they would have that "I fucked your wife so you can get my business" look. That, "your wife chose my dick over your dignity" look. That "you sold your self-respect for money" look.

She had been right - what had been the message of me bringing Lori, dressed like an expensive hooker, said to Duke? I had put her out there for clients to pounce on. Duke did, and Lori let him, thinking that her submission was the way to a better life.

Lori knew I would have issues with it, but she misjudged me and forced my hand. But after seeing her be conquered so quickly, I had judged it all as betrayal and cheating. When asked to validate her surrender, I had thought of how I would be humiliated -- not of the profit to be gained. And certainly not the price she had already paid, believing deep down I wanted her to.

I wondered if Duke had not included his friends in the first night and tossed in Gail if a swap if I would have been more agreeable. Probably so. But it was their money and their rules. If I wanted to play with the big boys, I had to play their game. Lori was willing, but I had not. Simple as that.

For a while, I just focused on her and I being different people and that I was better than her. I would sit back and call Lori a whore or a slut as I drank to forget. But the reality was that I took her to that den of debauchery and let Duke take her without lifting a finger to stop it. Then excusing it by saying it was a test, and she failed. But I knew it was hogwash.

***

Moving on

There was no going back. That was a certainty. Lori and I had ruined our marriage that night in a way that could not be fixed. So all I could do was learn from it and move on. Everyone makes mistakes in life. We had been fortunate not to have children together. Our break-up was clean and final. Now we could move on and start life anew. Hopefully, not making the same mistakes as we had before.

We. Well, there was no we anymore. As time passed, I wondered what Lori's life was like. Was she still seeing Duke and his friends? Was she dating? Had she moved? But the feelings of pain and loss would return, and I just could not bear them. So I locked Lori in a box in the back of my mind and threw myself at work. It was the only way to cope.

It is true. Time heals most if not all wounds.

My weekdays began early with a morning run, then a shower and out to Starbucks for a coffee and something light to eat on the way to work. Then it was meetings, calls to clients and elected officials until the early evening. A ten-hour day became my standard. My day ended by going to the gym at my condo and retiring for the evening while reviewing the next day's schedule.

One of the lessons I took from that fateful evening was that I had not prepared myself for what I had faced. After meeting and falling in love with Lori, I had ignored the advice Patricia had given me about never going into a situation unprepared or not knowing who I was dealing with.

I had also learned another and more important lesson. I was not ruthless enough. Not hungry for success as some were. In not having a wife anymore, no one could place me in the position Duke had. So marriage was out of the question. And in not having to spend time on a spouse, I was always on call to fight fires and make business trips as needed.

"So, how many women have you broke up with this year?" Roger asked one day as we sat in his office.

It had been over a year since my divorce.

"You know me," I said.

"I appreciate all the work you do. In fact, you are about to be named senior VP. How does that sound?"

"I've been meaning to talk to you Roger. To thank you and Meredith for all you've done for me."

"Why does that sound ominous?"

I took a deep breath and decided the best way was straight to the point.

"Roger, you know I have been working closely with Congresswoman Morison?"

"Yeah, she keeps singing your praises. What about her?"

"She is running for senate."

"And?"

"She wants me to be her advisor and help run her campaign."

Roger nodded and stared back at me.

"I know you, and her don't have anything going on," he said with a smile. Margaret is gay."

"Bisexual," I corrected him. "But no, we are not involved. I'm doing this for the contacts and opportunities."

"OK, Brett," he said, extending his hand. "I'll keep your position open until just after the election. Then you either come back, or I have to replace you."

We shook, and I left. Roger had been a great friend. But I had not. It was one reason why I had to leave San Diego.

***

I was not worthy of Roger's friendship. Why? Because in the last five months, I had been seeing Meredith, his wife.

It had begun when after she and Roger had come over for diner, and she had seen the sparse, make that Spartan décor of my condo. Meredith was an interior decorator and volunteered to get my place made "for human habitation."

The next day, she and two of her cohorts had brought a painter to do his magic and plenty of paintings and other "stuff" to decorate my humble abode. I have to admit it looked much better. When it was finished, she came over with a bottle of wine and a lunch basket. Having taken a day off, she and I spent some time talking and even went out for a while to an art gallery she loved.

It was a strange thing. Up until that day, Meredith and I had just been friends. She was my best friend's wife and a close friend. Yes, Meredith was a beautiful brunette with a stunning figure, long legs and sculpted face. Her smile could light up the room. But I had always kept my distance, worshipping her from afar.

'Your friend's wife! Danger Brett Butler! I always thought.

Physical contact between us had been limited to an occasional side hug, with her kissing me on the cheek. Often in front of Roger, who would smile and shake his head at my reluctance to reciprocate.

Then one day, Roger had shocked me when I found him kissing a blond woman I had seen at their parties. Was he cheating on Meredith? 'Who would cheat on that beautiful woman?' I thought.

Just then, Meredith had come out to the patio as I was trying to backtrack past her.

"Hi Glenda," she greeted the blond sitting on Roger's lap. "How's your hubby?"

"Rick is fine," the blond said, not batting an eyelash. "I'll say hi to him for you."

Roger had smiled at his wife and I, keeping the blond perched on him.

Meredith had smiled back at them then pulled me back inside their condo.

"Leave them alone Brett," she had feigned admonishment. "It's not polite to stare. Unless you are a voyeur, and then we can ask them if we can watch."

"Meredith, are you OK with this?" I had asked incredulously.

"I thought Roger had told you we are in an open marriage. He didn't, did he?"

I shook my head in amazement.

A few days later, she and I were having lunch, and she had leaned in to kiss me. I had resisted - at first. But not for long. I had asked Roger about his marriage, to which he had chuckled.

"Meredith told me you turned her down."

"She is your wife Roger. What the fuck!"

"After all you have been through," he smiled. "And you are still a boy scout. We're in the 21st century in L.A. Brett. I would rather she was with you than some asshole I don't know."

"Wow!"

"Have fun, but remember who she is married to and don't hurt her feelings. I'm going to Hawaii with Glenda and her husband next week. Meredith will need your company."

"You're just leaving her with me? Wait, you are going to Hawaii with Glenda and her husband?"

"Yeah, he likes sharing her and being there. Ever hear of that?"

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?" Roger had said. "Take Meredith out. Stay the night and don't cum on my pillow."

"Fuck me!" I had responded in shock.

"If you are not interested, call her and let her know that you have plans so she can make her own. She has been looking forward to time with you, but she has other suitors that can fill in.

"Brett, is something wrong? I thought you liked Meredith?"

"I do."

"Good, then it's settled. I'll see you next week. Hold the fort for me until I get back next Wednesday."

And that was how my affair with my best friend's wife began. We had a ball that weekend in and out of bed. We hit the beach, ate out and went to art galleries where she showed me off to her girlfriends. She and Roger belonged to a circle of couples like them. They were open marriage swingers, as opposed to strict couple swappers.

I would soon learn that Four other husbands and had sampled Meredith and Roger had enjoyed the charms of their wives. But their open marriage was not limited to just those couples. They allowed each other the privilege of having other lovers.

To say I was shocked at first would be an understatement. But for the next four months, Meredith and I would occasionally get together and burn the sheets. Roger was happy she was with someone he could trust, and Meredith liked the thought of being fucked by her husband's best friend.

They had suggested a threesome. But I had a problem doing anything with Roger's wife when he was around. There were limits to my newfound libertine lifestyle. In many ways, I was still conventional. I liked one on one sex with women -- Meredith included. While I did anal with her, we never got into anything weird like BDSM or water sports.

And as a typically "basic" type of guy that I was, I developed an attachment to Meredith. I still dated other women, but she was my favourite, and I would break dates to spent time with her. I struggled with my emotions and eventually told her I was falling in love.

"I think I am as well, Brett," she had responded after kissing me. "The only thing is that I still love Roger and will never leave him."

"I didn't think that far," I had replied truthfully.

"Have you ever heard of polyamory?"

Stupid me, I had not. So I shook my head.

"It's when a person loves more than one person and has them in her or his life."

"And you are OK with that?" I had replied.

"I can't change my feelings for either of you."

"So I can share you but can't have you," I had said.

"Have me? You already screw me sometimes more than my husband. How much more do you want?"

"I..." I hesitated. In my mind, I had visions of Meredith leaving Roger and being just with me.

"Brett, you have to come to terms with this. It is how Roger and I are. Sooner or later, he will know and to be honest, I don't know if I can handle the drama if you two have a problem with my feelings."

"So I get to share the woman I love?"

"Brett, you have been doing just that. I don't want us to stop. Do you?"

"No," I had replied, but inwardly, I wanted her to myself. "But please don't tell Roger. Not yet."

"Why?"

"For one thing, I don't want to hurt him. But it's also about how I feel. I need time to deal with this."

"OK, Brett," Meredith said, looking into my eyes. "You get a month. Then we tell Roger. I won't hide it from him."

Once we let each other know how we felt, I did everything possible not to let Roger know I was in love with his wife. I hardly ever acknowledged that Meredith and I were having an affair. And in doing so, I became a cheater.

Even though Roger knew that his wife and I were having sex when he was not around, I had kept my feelings for her secret. Somehow, the sex between us intensified. Be it the emotional attachment or the sneaking about, which we were, made the sex more arousing. And before long, Meredith hid her feelings from her husband as well, as the month passed.

Then the worse happened.

Roger had to leave for business meetings in Australia, leaving me in charge of the company and Meredith. He was away for a month and was accompanied by his sexy personal assistant. Yes, they were intimate.

What was the worse, you ask?

The following month, Meredith was late and then found out she was pregnant. The baby was mine as she had been with no one else during her last firtle period.

"What are you going to do?" I had asked her when she told me.

"We need to tell Roger," she replied. "I want to keep the baby."

"You are going to ask your husband to raise the child of another man?"

"I am going to tell him that you and I are in love and are going to have a child. And after this child, I am going to have one with Roger."

Her cavalier attitude stunned me. She must have seen it on my face.

"What did you think I would do? Leave Roger because you got me pregnant?"

I wanted to scream yes, but I knew how she and my best friend conducted their marriage by then. Slowly, I accepted the reality of our situation and nodded.

We told Roger that night, and he shocked me by being ecstatic that Meredith was with child. That it was not his didn't seem to bother him. But when Meredith told him she planned to have another with him as soon as she could, he beamed.

We had celebrated, and for the first time, our situation seemed awkward. As I was getting ready to leave, Roger stopped me.

"I need to know," he said to us both. "Are you two still just fuck buddies, or have you developed a bond yet?"

I stayed quiet as Roger looked at his wife's reaction. She bit her bottom lip in apparent trepidation then nodded.

"Yes," she whispered. "Is that why you have been telling me you love me every five minutes?"

"Was I that obvious?" Meredith blushed.

"I love you both," Roger replied, pulling us all into a hug. "But I need to know. Are you leaving me, Meredith?"

"No! NO! Why would you think that?"

"Just checking, I guess," he replied as he gave me a furtive look.

"I love you both and have been telling Brett this from the start," she continued. "remember how we had discussed the possibility of either of us falling in love with a lover?"

"Yes," Roger replied. "Polyamory."

"I think we are there, my love," Meredith had said before leaning in to kiss him. Please tell me you still love me. Please!"