Kat & Gus Ch. 04

KAT FLIPPED ON THE HALL LIGHT and opened the front door. Gus took a step into the familiarity of her quiet apartment.

"Here," he said, handing her a coat, scarf, and bag. "You forgot your stuff."

Kat looked at him, took her things, and dropped them all in the entry. She made no effort to put anything in the closet or move away from the door. Gus frowned and took another step into her apartment, crowding her and forcing her to switch places with him. Then he took a look around.

Things had certainly changed since the last time he had been here. The pristine order she had been keeping was sullied with subtle messes - a pile of unopened bills on the kitchen counter, a cup of coffee, half-finished, on the dining room table, the throw blanket crumpled at the base of the sofa. He took in the bigger messes, too: the sink full of dishes, the overflowing trash can, the laundry basket, and what appeared to be a hundred magazines towering next to the bookcase. Gus noticed all of these things, mentally cataloging what he could fix - what Kat would let him fix. He stared at several new paint swatches on the walls and some paintings that needed to be hung - expensive things, beautifully matted and framed - and wondered what had prompted the home make-over.

Could things have gotten better with her dad? Was the home improvement a celebratory sign? Or was it a sign of something else, of more devastation? Gus didn't know. Kat had always been tight-lipped about her personal problems. But never with him. With him, she had shared everything — all of the good and all of the bad, and she trusted him to be there for her anyway. Of course, Gus hadn't been in touch with Kat for a while. Had it been a month already? He definitely had lost her trust, but he knew that he had reasons. Good reasons.

Gus rationalized that Kat had needed her space; he was just doing what was best for everyone. He would give her space, and she would thank him for keeping out of her way; she would thank him for letting her figure things out on her own - like deciding how much she needed him. He had hoped that she would figure out that she desperately needed him after a few days, but it hadn't turned out that way. Days turned into weeks, and Gus somehow lost her in the turbulence of her father's chronic illness. But Gus was resolved; he had made a plan to leave her alone. So that's what he continued to do, despite his inability to remember why it seemed like a good idea in the first place. Not that he hadn't started to dial her phone number at least three times a day since he last saw her. Not that in "giving her space" he hadn't practically killed himself - he wanted to protect her so badly, especially from the havoc of hospital stays and the inevitability of it all. But Kat was culpable too, he reasoned. She had left for weeks; she never called him; she hadn't even told him she was going.

He heard the door click shut behind him, heard her set the dead bolt, watched her walk past him and settle on the big easy chair. She didn't say anything to him, and, in many ways, this unnerved him. Kat had never been one to mince her words. He placed his own jacket on top of the dining room table, loosened his tie, and followed her into the living room where he sat at the edge of the couch.

From here, he looked at her while he rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. Gus took in her slightly disheveled hair, the holes at the elbows of her nightgown, the faint residue of her make-up. She looked... haggard. He realized that the beautiful girl who had taken over his every thought looked haunted. Did he really want to start this again? Did he want to make himself another reason she wasn't sleeping?

The answer was a categoric yes. Kat intrigued him in a way that other women hadn't. She was a combination of qualities that seemed so disparate, so contrary, he couldn't believe that they all existed quite easily within her. She was beautiful, that helped, he wouldn't deny it.

Just under 5'6", lean and curvy, with shaggy shoulder length hair the color of ebony, she embodied everything he had come to respect about her. Everything about her was so linear - it all added up; her body matched her personality and vice versa. She was quirky and artistic, but also responsible and diligent. If you looked close enough, you could see this as it presented itself in her outward appearance. She was just as likely to wear a tailored suit as she was to wear a brightly patterned dress with crazy jewelry; she was just as likely to go without make-up as she was to experiment with bright, colorful eye-shadows and lipsticks. She was soft and feminine, with a pin-up girl's curves, but underneath she had the taught muscle of someone who took great pains to maintain a healthy life-style.

Gus thought of her as a siren, hell bent on torturing him until he did her bidding. She was incredible in every way; most importantly, she didn't recognize the power she wielded over him, how easily he would walk through fire for her. But tonight, looking at this girl, the girl with a ragged nightgown and dark circles under her eyes, Gus did not see the girl he had fallen in love with. This girl was someone completely different; he wondered where that other Kat had gone.

"So...?" she prompted, breaking into Gus's reverie with her soft question.

Gus, at least, had the decency to blush. He didn't know how long he had been staring, how long the two of them had been sitting in adversarial silence. Slowly, he shifted on the sofa and coughed.

"Well," he began, hesitantly. "I know that what happened tonight between us really caught me by surprise. And I think it caught you by surprise as well."

"Surprise?" Kat asked, cocking an eyebrow. "No. I wasn't caught by surprise. There has always been an undeniable attraction between us."

Gus laughed nervously. Was this going to be easier than he had anticipated? Was she simply going to forgive him the last few weeks? Hope flared in the pit of Gus' stomach; if she forgave him, he could climb into her bed, hold her close, and try to erase all of the complications that had come between them.

Kat continued, "It doesn't mean that it's smart for anything to happen between us. That's what I realized tonight. I guess I just realized it too late."

She couldn't even look at him, he noted. She sat on the chair, staring at her hands, and while he dreamed of pulling her onto his lap she was shutting him out, building her walls. She wasn't going to fight.

"Realized it too late?" Gus questioned in what he hoped was a neutral tone of voice; could feigned apathy mask confusion and anger? What did she mean? She hadn't tried to deny their mutual attraction. Hell, she had owned up to it in quite an admirable way, in a way most people wouldn't have. He decided to try another approach. "Why are you dismissing this so easily? Why won't you even give me an opportunity to explain myself? Why won't you fight for us?"

Kat shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She had wanted Gus to say just that for so long, and now she wasn't sure that she was prepared to hear what he had to say. What if he said that he was in love with someone else? What if he said that he never felt anything for her? She quickly glanced at Gus with obvious wariness and said, "Oh, boy." Then she sighed and bit her lower lip. Gus let her think. He knew that she had to ask him to share his side of things; he couldn't force it upon her. She had to want to give him a chance.

There had been a time when he would have forced her to listen. He certainly hadn't always been so patient. It was part of the reason he was estranged from his own family, part of the reason he wanted to fight so fiercely for Kat's idyllic family life. He had always been a little bull-headed, and saying the things he had said to his father and mother when he decided not to join the family firm, in the manner he had said them, didn't earn him brownie points. In the end it had been easier for him to walk away from them both, effectively cutting them out of his daily life, rather than see the disappointment in their eyes. It was his choice, he had reasoned, his decision to make. He never thought about how his actions could influence other people. He never would have imagined how hurt they would be, how his parents would pit his siblings against him, how they would turn holidays into inquisitions. Now, five years later, they could barely stand seeing one another.

Well, he wouldn't do that this time. He wouldn't force his opinions on Kat, no matter how much he wanted to. She had to take the initiative. She had to want to hear him out. Patience would be his constant companion; if he couldn't explain himself tonight, he would continue trying. Especially since she never fully left his mind. He would try until the end of time if he had to.

"OK," she finally said. "But I have a lot of questions. So you tell what you need to tell, and then I ask as many questions as I need to. Deal?"

Gus' face lit up with a brilliant smile. "Fucking right, we've got a deal. Ready?"

Kat laughed. "Yeah, Gus, I'm ready."

"OK," Gus started. "So this isn't going to be eloquent or anything. Don't expect perfection. I've thought about it a lot, about everything that I need to say to you, but I never thought you'd actually give me a chance. So I'm surprised that you're going to listen, and, frankly, I'm a little fucking nervous."

Gus quickly glanced at Kat for the go ahead, then kept talking.

"When we met at The Horse, I felt like I had won the lottery. You were this incandescent woman who was interested in me. You lit up the bar that night, Katie. I mean everyone but everyone was talking about you and Audra like you might just be the type of girls to start a war.

"You smiled at me, and I was undone. I had to get to know you better. And then you were so shy and so fucking perfect. I mean that. I was blown away. I really wanted to, you know, take it slow. But you had other plans in mind. Not that I'm complaining."

Gus smiled, and if he had bothered to look up would have noted that Kat was also smiling and nodding in agreement.

He continued, "Then shit hit the fan with your dad. I wanted to be available for you as much as you needed me. And, in many ways, I thought you had let me in. It really felt that way on my end."

"Yeah," Kat smiled. "You were so good to me about that shaving thing. And my pop really appreciated that I cut you and not him."

"That's exactly what I mean," Gus laughed. "You let me in. But it was only to a

point. Then you discovered that I knew Jett, that I was, what did you call me? Jett's Gus? I don't know why that changed everything; I mean, I knew that Jett was interested in me, but I have always made it clear to her that we're friends and will never be more than that. I thought that she would have told you that as well. I thought she'd be happy that you, her closest friend, would find happiness with someone that she liked so much. But you wouldn't tell her. You stopped talking - to me, to her, to everyone. It was like everything we built together facing your father's illness was erased. You began shutting me out -"

"I did not!" exclaimed Kat, interrupting. "Of everyone in my life, as strange as it sounds, I wanted you to be a part of everything I was going through. You, on the other hand, were obviously becoming uncomfortable with that. You pulled away from me."

"Kat," chided Gus.

Kat blushed. "Right, sorry," she grumbled. "Your turn."

"Despite what you think, I absolutely didn't mean to pull away from you. I didn't mean to give you that impression. I only meant to give you time to figure out whatever it was that needed to be figured out. I wanted to give you time to figure out that we were a helluva team. Then you left. You fucking left and didn't tell me. Jett had to tell me that you'd gone. Jett! For Christ's sake, Kat. I heard from the one person who had come between us more than anyone that you were with your family."

Kat reached out, placing her hand carefully on Gus's knee. She stared up at him with wide eyes, and pleaded, "I'm so sorry about that. I honestly thought it wouldn't matter to you. I thought you wouldn't care. I thought it was..." she stopped herself. Could she admit to him that she thought everything was one-sided? That she feared it was just a casual fuck for him? That she was so scared of whatever was between them? "It doesn't matter what I thought it was. Besides you didn't call to find out where I'd gone, did you?"

Gus looked at Kat's hand. "You thought it wouldn't matter to me? Fuck, Katie. I'd fallen in love with you, and you left without a word. How do you think that made me feel? I felt like the biggest asshole. I've never felt all of those things so quickly before; hell, I'd never felt those things at all. I was petrified to begin with. But then with you gone, I felt like everything I had been feeling was totally fucked, that I had made it all up. I was pissed off — angrier than I've ever been — and I decided fuck her, you know?"

"Wait a second," Kat breathed. "Just wait a second."

"What?" Gus looked at Kat's face for the first time since he had begun speaking. Suddenly it was filled with something transcendent, something magical. "What am I waiting for?"

"Did you just say that you had fallen in love with me?" Kat asked.

"Shit, Katie," Gus sighed. "I didn't mean to tell you that. Not tonight. It's true, it's so fucking true, but this shouldn't be about that. This is about how we can't even communicate with each other."

A slow smile diffused over Kat's face. "No, Gus. The only important part of the story is that you loved me. I thought I was in this alone, but I'm not. We can figure everything else out. I know we can."

Kat launched herself out of the chair and sat next to Gus. Perching on her knees facing him, she took his hand, lacing her fingers through his. "I still have a few questions," she said.

"Well, I've still got things to say," he huffed, a glint of amusement in his eyes. "Don't I get to finish?"

"No," Kat stated simply. She smiled a wide smile. "No, you're done. Now I get to ask some questions. Easy ones first, ok?"

Gus smiled. "OK, easy ones first."

"Why did you go out with someone else?"

"I went out with Becca — who is, incidentally, an old friend — because I thought you and I didn't have a chance," Gus admitted. "It was easier to drown my sorrows with another woman."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"God, Katie," Gus roared. "Fuck! No, I didn't sleep with her. I don't want anyone but you."

Kat examined his face for a long moment. "But she wanted to sleep with you?"

Gus made a dangerous sound low in his throat.

"OK, OK, I won't make you answer that," Kat conceded. "Why did you tell Jett that you'd fallen in love with someone new if you were in love with me?"

"Babe," Gus laughed, "I was talking about you. I knew that I had to be the one to tell Jett that something was happening, and I wanted to make sure it was clear that I was pursuing you and that I wasn't really sure about how you felt about me. I didn't want you to lose your friendship over something that can't be controlled. How we feel, how I feel, I can't control it — it's just the truth. But she got so fucking upset, you know? She started crying, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her more than that I'd fallen for someone. It became a moot point, however, when things got complicated between us."

"OK, fair enough. So there's only one more question left."

"Somehow I don't believe that," Gus laughed. "But I'll bite. What's the only question left?"

Suddenly, Kat became really shy. She squirmed a little on the sofa, un-tucking her legs from beneath her, and looked at the floor. "Um," she began, "I guess I just want to know how you feel now."

"What do you mean?" Gus asked.

"Do you feel like we can get past this?" Kat asked quietly. "Do you still feel the same about me?"

Gus let go of her hand and pulled her into his body. He hugged her fiercely for a few moments before responding, "Isn't it obvious? I rushed over here after you left the bar, waited for someone else from your building to arrive so that I could get past the front door, and told you things that I probably shouldn't have. Katie, I can't help how I feel about you; it scares me to no end, but I love you. I'm in love with you. I want to try to make this work."

"Good," she replied. "I'm definitely in love with you, and I want to make it work too."

Kat tilted her head up to Gus, licking her lips a little. Then she brought her mouth closer to his, never once letting their eye contact break. Just millimeters from his mouth, she stopped and closed her eyes. Leaning forward slightly, she kissed Gus. Kat poured every frustration from the past few months into the kiss, reveling in the taste of beer on Gus's tongue. He met her with an equal passion, and Kat soon found herself straddling his lap, her hands in his hair. After a few moments, Gus pulled away and looked at Kat. He smiled his most disarming smile and tucked a stray lock of hair behind Kat's ear.

"So, can we go to bed? I'm fucking exhausted. Between stressing out about you and my caseload, I really need my beauty sleep, you know?"

Kat looked back at him with a new softness in her eyes. "Yes, we can go to bed now. Come on." Taking his hand, she led him into the bedroom and shut the door.