All Comments on 'Kayla's Slumber'

The plot is kind of old and the story needs a lot of editing.

I quit reading about in the middle

Babe, keep this story going. We've all made mistakes that some of us admit. Personally, I want to see MORE..grins.

This is basically sound writing, but you need to shorten your paragraphs. It will make the action flow more naturally, and will hold the readers attention more.When you're writing action, be more direct, use a more active voice.

Please hurry and continue this story. Waiting anxiously for more submissions.

your paragraphs are a bit long which makes it harder to read. The premise is an oldie but a goodie and still good for a giggle. Not bad.

story was not bad, a little unoriginal but not unsalvagable. But hun, get an editor! The paragraphs were too long and you used quite a few unnecessary words. Do your future readers a favor and get an editor to clean your work up.

Wet Princess: This was a very good story, about you and Katie with Shawn observing you & shooting his load..I trust that your next story will be about Shawn taking care of both girls. I hope this is true..

Please continue his adventure with his sis and friend. Maybe add some of what u feel when going at it.

This is a great story! I hope it continues soon!

Wonderful job!

How did you manage to write that bad? im imprest!

Im only fourteen years old and comes from Norway,

and i write better than you! God! Its something wrong with youre head!

So, see ya... NOT:-P

make a sequal

The dialogue only works if I read it in an Indian accent.

Pretty good, enjoyed it ( tried the indian accent, didn't work, laughed too much. I sincerely hope there is a sequel.