Without some of the rather stupid and unreal dialogue and BS like this:- "Suddenly hot juice jetted from her cunt as she ejaculated against me, soaking us both in her passion liquid." - it could have been almost half good.
*Unfortunately my health is taking a turn for the worse. I will keep trying to write for you, but my output is going to slow considerably. Thank you for your patience. Struggling author. In a long distance relationship with a real firecracker! I welcome all feedback, please, ...