Kicks 01

Kicks 01

Hi, I'm Kicks and I live up to the nick name in two ways. It all started out in the way, way back when someone told the little league football coach that I could kick fields goals, LOL, just as long as I wasn't weighed down with pads. Which I did for a couple of summers, but in the long run, contact football just wasn't for me, so that was enough of that. And after that, I kept the "Kicks" persona going by becoming mentally obsessed with shoes, aka, high tops and other athletic shoes.

Now, my schoolmates certainly mumbled other words under their breath when they spoke to me or about me, but it was never so bad that I ever felt bullied or anything. I mean, I think I had it pretty easy growing up, so "yay" for me based on other horror stories I have heard about for those who were just trying to find their comfort zone in their early years, so "yay" for me then, right?

Anyways, I'm not saying that the "good" years ended up with a rainbow over my graduation party, but I've managed to keep enough friends to use a matchbook cover to list them and based on those horror stories that I have heard, I mean, maybe things are not that bad for me and I just now realized that my use of the word "rainbow" may have been out of place, LOL, or not.

Or maybe everyone does love a good rainbow, which I put to the test recently when a box was delivered to my house by mistake, even though it was clearly labelled for my neighbor Chad. I mean, the box was very similar to a shoe box size and if my neighbor Chad was ordering shoes or boots online, I mean, I had to know about that, am I right folks?

However, as a point in my favor, I didn't just strut across the street without advance notice, but I had the nerve to do that, especially since I was fully dressed, LOL, or barely dressed should I say depending on how you like your rainbows. But I didn't want to shock Chad or anything, so I rang his cell phone first.

"Hello???"

"Chad, it's Kicks and I just received a box by mistake and it's clearly labelled for you. I mean, I can strut across the street and personally hand it to you, if you're decent. And it resembles a shoe box, by the way and if you're buying shoes or boots online, I mean, I need to know about that kind of stuff, so?"

Well, he was at least awake enough to pick up on the word "strut", so he clapped right back, pronto!

"OMG, Kicks, do not strut across the street! I mean, I need that box for a project that I'm working on, but my plans changed, so my project can wait a few days, so, just how dressed are you right now then, Kicks?"

"Oh, well, if it were Friday night, then I'm dressed like I was hanging out at the Cottonwood Street alley, but it's Saturday morning, so I'm wearing my ridiculously tight exercise shorts and they are acceptable as weekend morning wear. You can judge that for yourself because I'm standing on my front porch while we were talking on the phone and I'm staring straight at your house, so some of the neighbors might figure out who I'm calling, so?"

[Curtains shuffle open across the street]

"OMG, Kicks! Can Mrs. Venture see you then?"

"Oh, she was spying on me, but now she's hitting her faggot hubby with a broom handle, so am I shaking up the street to get this Saturday morning started or are you shuffling over here then, Chad?"

Hey, what can I say? I was given the body to wear exercise shorts and I have no control over what the neighbors do or think, but I am not advocating the use of a broom handle on anyone, so.

[Shuffle, shuffle, head lowered, shuffle]

"Well, it's a shoe box and we're inside of my house of shoes, so open it, Chad."

"It's just a pair of stainless-steel woven water lines for my washing machine repair, Kicks and not shoes. I mean, didn't you notice the name of the company on the shipping label?"

"Well, I don't know who all sells shoes and boots online and for all I know, maybe the Washing Machine Replacement Parts company is just expanding its product line. Anyways, why would Mr. Fix It put a project on hold anyways, Chad? Are you and your bromance buddy, Hank, going to the outdoor séance event tonight then, Chad?"

"Well, you don't have to bat your eyes like that when you say "bromance", Kicks. Besides, it's not an outdoor séance, it's just a cleansing of the lost souls at twisted Tree, so."

"Oh, I'm sorry about the eye batting Chad and I didn't mean to imply anything. I mean, LOL, those type of bromances don't make it much past the No Roof motel, let alone down to Twisted Tree. Anyways, tell me true, Chad, have you fallen under the spell of Psychic Paranormal Pam like every other guy has seemingly overnight then, hmm? And that's not a nail biting question, I mean, for someone who has only been in town for barely a day and all, she sure seems to have multiple powers, so."

"Well, it's not my fault that Mrs. Bentley has turned the outdoor séance into an event to be seen at so quickly! I mean, that woman and social media, right?"

"Well, again, I'm not judging you or Hank or anyone else, but it's almost 10am and according to the Historical Society social media page, I mean, spots to pitch a tent to get the best experience of the overnight outdoor séance are going fast and you're a good guy and you deserve a good spot, so you should head out and claim a spot to pitch your bromance tent and I won't even bring up how the magical powers Psychic Paranormal Pam has magically caused you to put a project on hold, so?"

"I mean, Kicks, when you talk like a concerned friend, yet somehow manage to bring up too many details, I mean."

"Again, sorry, Chad, um, but it wouldn't hurt for you to stop by the department store after you pitch your second tent of the day and buy some cheap moccasins for wearing inside of your tent, so."

"OMG, there's always a reason to get new shoes with you, Kicks! Hey, wait a minute, I heard that!"

"Oh, if the body that I was blessed with didn't pitch your tent, LOL, I wouldn't dress like this, so don't worry about it, Chad."

"I'm not hugging you good bye, Kicks! I need to go, just like you said, so."

LOL, someone once said that all things come to those who wait, didn't they?

LOL, someone should have said "alright, now what", right?

"Well, I mean."

"Well, I mean, I mean, so."

LOL, someone must have once said that three awkward "I mean's" in a row mean just do it already, right? Well, this close anyways and I mean, that close! Until his bromance buddy Hank started to blow up Chad's phone with some crazy social media story about how the best spots to pitch a tent were going fast and that they needed to go and that Hank was in Chad's driveway blowing his damn horn!

"Kicks, I mean."

"Hush, Chad, that wasn't gay, that was, well, that was better than I expected when I thought about what a good firm hug might feel like and we're behind closed doors, so."

[Beep, honk, beep, honk, beep, honk]

LOL, I don't know if anyone ever said anything about a guy heading out to pitch a tent for an overnight outdoor séance while sprouting a pitched tent before, but I thought it! And felt it! I know, I know, first timers, right?

Anyways, that was the last I saw of Chad that day and I had totally different plans with my friend Kiki to hang out at 5-Points, so the ghost hunters could have their wild ass thing then.

"Why are we packing two small soft coolers with sandwiches, Kicks?"

"I mean, Chad and Hank are probably hungry by now, so."

"Hank? Hank with the constant 5 o'clock shadow, Hank? Or should I say the Hank who probably thinks my ass is too big then, hmm? Oh, wait, maybe I should say Hank, the 5 o'clock shadow guy who never hangs out at our 5-Points then, hmm?"

"I mean, Kiki, your ass is plump, not fat. And we're just making a quick side trip to Twisted Tree, so."

"Oh, screw that, I mean, I mess around with squeezing into undies that are one size too small for me, not ghosts, so! And what's in the little brown paper bag anyways?"

"Um, fifty 3-packs of condoms. I mean, this is a spur of the moment gig created by Mrs. Bentley, so."

"Damn I wish I got half the dick that woman gets! Alright, I'm in, but if I get a chance to double date with Mrs. Bentley tonight, I mean, you better back me up, Kicks!"

LOL, that chance was as fat as his ass, LOL, not that I would say that out loud.

"Well, it sure seems like you knew exactly how to get here then, Kicks. Also, all of a sudden, I feel over dressed and I dressed like we were going to the Cottonwood Street alley, so?"

"I mean, I don't think I was really driving anyways, but listen, wow, look at this place! I mean, damn, roll your shorts up one more roll and we'll walk around passing out the condoms like we work here. But if you see Chad or Hank, well, shoot, this is actually as far as my plan went, so."

I mean, for what started out as a paranormal investigation with Psychic Paranormal Pam and a few of her selected guests, I mean, just add fireworks and Twisted Tree would have held its own with any outdoor event! Including a semi-nudist camp!

"Welcome, welcome, welcome, I'm Mrs. Bentley and just as soon as you pay homage to me, then you can be on your way. Also, I messed up and didn't rent a condom vending machine, so what do you two funny boys have then?"

"[Rib elbow, rib elbow, close jaw.] Say something, Kiki."

"Um, um, oh, ooh, I carried a watermelon."

"[OMG] Mrs. Bentley, forgive my friend, Kiki, he's a little overwhelmed by your watermelons right now, but we, well I, brought a bag full of condoms, so. I'm Kicks, by the way."

[Bag snatch!]

"Ooh, that's like fifty homages then, Kicks. Enjoy yourselves, but try to not interfere with little Mattie or Psychic Paranormal Pam, they are on a mission to free Mattie's ghoulish boyfriend from the old water well pit. Well, Psychic Paranormal Pam is on a mission to con that little twinkie into having fake ghostly sex in public, but other than that, have fun then, so. Anyways, woo-hoo, everyone, I saved the day again and I'm distributing condoms, so line it up and pay homage to me people!"

And away went the bag of condoms, LOL, to save the day.

"OMG, Kicks, we'll never find Chad's tent in this sea of canvas and nylon!"

"Found it. That's his fishing camp symbol right there, the blue tent with the long silver fish on it."

[Ping]

"We brought you food."

[Ping]

"We?"

[Ping]

"Kiki and me."

[Ping]

"Where R U?"

[Ping]

"In your fish camp tent."

I mean, that was the same as "you better trot", right?

[Tent flap, swoosh, two wide eyed surprised looks]

[Oops, one couple reverses the tent flap swoosh?]

"Let's just give Hank and Kiki a moment to talk, Chad. I mean, it's nice out tonight, so."

"Kicks, damn you, what's going on here then?"

"Oh, well, what's going on inside of your fish camp tent is that Hank's probably getting a blow job by now and what's going on here outside of the tent is that you've pitched another tent, so?"

"OMG, where are the evil spirits when you need them? Ugh, well, we should at least take a stroll and let them have their privacy then, so?"

"Or, or, or, we can catch up! I mean, you want to fuck me, right Chad?"

"Well, um, I mean, oh, I mean, maybe if we were at the No Roof motel or something, I mean, ooh, um, well."

[Arm grab, tent flap swoosh]

[LOL, seriously, Hank tries to hide his face from Chad while jaw jacking Kiki?]

"Oh, like you two have never seen each other naked before."

Now here's the part I liked the best. LOL, it was like when my shorts hit the tent floor, LOL, it was like the starters flag waving. And here's what I didn't like about all that. Damn, open mouth and insert foot, right? I mean, I had always just been a cock tease and boom, I was getting naked and lowering down to my hands and knees, LOL, which Kiki whispered instructions to me on how to do that.

"You okay, Kicks?"

"Whew, I'm with you, Chad, but whew, I mean, have you checked that the double condoms are still in place, Chad?"

"I mean, that was just my first full forward push, so?"

"Whew, so it's almost over then, Chad?"

Well, someone should write a book about what happens after the first full forward push then! And Chad should back off with the energy drinks!

And I'm not even going to lie, I probably wasn't all that good, other than I had a warm place for him to OMG, pump and push and grunt and thrust and OMG, over and over and over again! But I lived and I thought to myself just as he was concluding that I was very glad that we weren't doing it over the old water well retainer wall because, swoosh, I would have been flipped right u and over and down into the darkness of the pit!

Which might be a book that I write myself soon. I mean, I could title the book the authentic history of Twisted Tree, right?

Oh, but I would leave out the part about how two guys who started out being shy in front of each other were then high fiving afterwards and giggling about switching off, so.

[Clap, clap, hoot, holla, woot, woot, clap, ooh-woo-ooh, clap, hoot]

Tents, right? Not very sound proof. But the sounds of sex, right? Amazing! Ahh. I mean, if nothing else, that was behind me and LOL, I took from behind and other than not wanting to get out of the sleeping bag, ahh. Besides, we were safely in the closed tent, so all those hoots and ooh's outside didn't know who we were, so. Also, ooh, ooh, that hurt at first!

"Knock, knock, oops [tent flap fast swoosh] coming in! Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy, I need that, whoa, that extremely full condom! Wait, is that a double? Anyways, hi guys, I'm Psychic Paranormal Pam and I need that, wow, that overflowing condom for my mark, I mean, my twinkie Mattie, so hop to it little one and remove from your man, tie it off, hand it to me and then you know, clean your man off!"

Oh, I mean, someone should put it in a book that sex stuff just keeps going then! And don't even ask me about why Psychic Paranormal Pam was already wearing protective latex gloves, so.

"I mean, if this is getting you up again cowboy #2, well, your plump ass slut is still right there, so?"

Well, Kiki has plenty of experience with multiple times, so.

"OMG, lick, slurp and swallow, rookie! Clean his cock or I'll fill this tent with so many spiritual entities that your first timer ass will never be the same again!"

Well, Psychic Paranormal Pam didn't need to scream about things, so. But it was nice of her pop a tit out, so.

"Ugh, ugh, ooh, ooh, grunt, grunt, oh, oh, ahh, ooh, ahh."

"Yep, swallow that one too."

Now, that's something that I did read in a book. Chad was done and rolled right down to the floor and closed his eyes.

"Huh, men, right? What's your name, sweetie?"

"Kicks, they call me Kicks, so?"

"Hmm, find me later, babe, um, I mean..."

"Woo-hoo, cover your eyes, it's me, Mrs. Bentley and I'm here to find out what all the fuss is about, especially since it doesn't involve me yet and oh, oh my, well, let me catch up then. And what's your name then, Mr. 5 o'clock Shadow? Scoot over plump ass, we already met!"

"Oh, am I fucking you then, Mrs. Bentley? I'm Hank, by the way."

"Duh, you're fucking me stupid, Hank and your plump ass fem boy can suck the nipples off of me, so?"

I mean, I was passed out and dreaming, right? I mean, there is no way in hell that plump ass Kiki got his wish of a double date with Mrs. Bentley, right? Also, I must have been dreaming because, well, there is no way that other thing would happen to me, right?

"[Gulp] See, Kicks? You just swallow and ignore the slimy texture. Also, I can tell that you eat healthy by your taste, so good job, funny boy. Anyways, I need your undies for an offering to the bottom of the water well pit, so [mwah] alright?"

Now, this is not something that I would ever, ever say out loud, but if what I tasted on her tongue when she kissed me, I mean, maybe eating healthy works, right?

"Well, Psychic Paranormal Pam, I know that they say that people just feel different when they visit the Twisted Tree are, but all of a sudden, I feel connected to you, so if you need my undies to appease any entities or spirits, I mean, it feels like I should say that your wish is my command, so."

"Then you'll walk around the crowd at least once while commando and with the zipper of your shorts pushed down at least half way then? Give my boob a quick kiss, Kicks."

"[Suck smack] And which direction shall I angle myself then, Psychic Paranormal Pam?"

"Oh, um, Mrs. Bentley, this is your gig, so?"

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, to the right, ah, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ooh, ooh."

"I'm taking your undies too, plump ass. The whole damn family is locked in that damn water well pit!"

[Swoosh, tent exit without closing the flap]

I mean, I just forgot that I was basically naked when I crawled out of Chad's sleeping bag to close the damn tent flap, so.

[Clap, clap, hoot, holla, woot, woot, clap, ooh-woo-ooh, clap, hoot]

"I'm spoken for, assholes! But it would be nice if someone paid homage to me, so?"

[Clap, clap, hoot, holla, woot, woot, clap, ooh-woo-ooh, clap, hoot]

I mean, I just forgot that I was basically naked when I bent over to crawl back into Chad's sleeping bag after attempting to close the tent flap, which I did, but somehow, it flew back open, but I think I have a pretty nice backside view, so.

[Fap, hoot, fap, clap, fap, woot, fap, hoot, clap, slap, fap, hoot, fap, woot, clap, slap, slap, fap]

Or they could see how good Hank was doing Mrs. Bentley, right? Which brings me back to the sounds of sex, which are pretty amazing and should be practiced more often.

Or, LOL, a few of them could see Chad, as he laid on the floor, out of it, yet with a growing tent post!

Or, LOL, it was for my bent over pose as I slowly made my way back into the sleeping bag.

Or, LOL, it was just for everything that was going on in the tent.

Or, LOL, it was the power of Twisted Tree and the forever stranded entities who haven't had any sex in over 200 years that was driving the circle jerk just outside of Chad's tent.

End Kicks 01