Knife's Edge Pt. 04

---- ---- ---- 1.

Joel and I spend a lot of time talking. He was always up for a long talk- almost as much as he was always up for sex. It threw me. I still found myself second guessing what he was trying to get out of the conversation, what he wanted from me. He never shied away from a problem, although he was a hot head and often said the first thing that came into his mind- which sometimes really hurt, and wasn't even what he really meant. Mind you, I was pretty far from the perfect communicator also. I tend to shut down outside, but inside I'll have one million conversations going on and none of them are actually helpful.

We were both working on that. One day we'll reach a state of enlightenment. Or something a bit closer at least.

We talk a lot about happiness. Joel's into Buddhism and meditation. Joel thinks Nirvana is living knowing life sucks. Untethering yourself from that and finding freedom in the lack of a higher power guiding you to happiness.

Not that he's much good at it.

I think Nirvana is a lie. Or at least- you have to really divorce yourself from the world we live in to find it. Accepting nothing and being ok with that means accepting the obvious- no money, no possessions, no personal connections. Maybe that's a sort of pure and honest way to enlightenment. But fuck me, that sucks. I kind of want to know the highs and the lows. I want to be loved. I want to feel my lungs burn after smoking. I even want to try drugs, one day. I want my own space. I want responsibility.

I'm ok to take all of that with unhappiness.

You're not unhappy all the time.

---- --- ---

We had been together- officially- for under a week. Joel WOULD NOT STOP calling me 'his'. As if it wasn't hard enough for me. He knew. I'd told him! Just because you have a big strong reassuring pair of arms around you doesn't mean all your insecurities and worries and anxiety just magically fall away. It came to a head when he called me 'his babygirl' in front of Charlie. I kind of wanted the floor to swallow me up, and I kind of wanted a bolt of lightning to strike him, but neither of those things were going to happen. Taking it as a joke would be easier, but what the hell kind of respect could I earn from the chefs if they thought I'd melt the second Joel gave me pet names?

"Hey, sugartits." I glared at Joel. He was grinning. Asshole. "You ever call me 'babygirl' at work again and I promise I will cut your balls off."

"You'd miss my balls." Joel folded his arms and smirked at me.

"You reckon?" We held each other's gaze.

"Heard, chef." Joel dropped his arms to his side.

"Good boy." I strode away, trying to hide how shitty I felt. At least it worked. I never ever heard a peep of mockery from the chefs- or even saw any side eyes or jokes under their breath. And I was looking for it. Of course I was.

But pet names weren't even my biggest issue.

"Sorry." Joel hung his head as we sat down to a drink while we did our admin. The cameras had been fixed, after literal years, which we discovered to our chagrin a day after we'd told Lydia and Marty we were dating. Thank god we didn't actually have sex on the grill or something.... We just got caught taking a bottle of wine which, since I needed to order more, I'd luckily left a note about which kind of looked like an IOU, which I did pay.

"Sorry for...?" I wasn't being a smartass. It had been a long day.

"While you are my babygirl, I realise that was a shitty thing to call you in front of others."

"Oh. Yeah. Thanks." I winced as I remembered Amy was away and I had to fill 42 hours somehow. At least there are always a lot of students floating around. I started changing the roster.

"Um. Are you mad at me?"

"Ah, I dunno. No." Kurt always wanted extra hours. He could probably pick up almost half that. And then Maria, Decklan, and Chaz could all pick up a shift.

"Talk to me." I glanced at Joel and realised he wasn't trying to do his own work. He was just sitting there, looking sad.

"Oh sorry, I was distracted." I glanced at the roster and the phone in my hand, about to quickly send some pleading texts. I didn't have the bandwidth to properly accept an apology.

"I can get on with some work as well." Joel said quietly.

"I'm not mad at you." I said, opening up my master wine tasting document. "Promise. Let's talk tonight. But can I get through this first? I'll be half an hour."

"Yep, me too." He sat up straight and pulled out his iPad. "So you do still love me?"

"You're pathetic." I laughed, shuffling closer to him. "Yes."

---- ----

"So... did you still wanna talk?" We were on the deck, curled up in the hammock, chipping our teeth eating peanut butter on a stale baguette.

"Yeah." I brushed crumbs off myself and rolled over so I could look at Joel properly. "You're always like... claiming me. You called me YOUR babygirl today, and YOUR Maître D' to Lydia the other day, and just straight up YOURS all the time. I finally realised I'm my own... me... not an appendage of AJ and now I feel I'm some sort of trophy?"

"Ahhhh, yeah. I see how that would feel." Joel took my hand. "Wow. Thanks for telling me. Ah." He winced. "I'm sorry, Rubes. I'll reign that in."

"Thank you."

"And... I'm also so sorry about calling you babygirl. I know there is a line and I crossed it. It will never happen again."

"Ok." I nodded. "I'd really appreciate that. Thank you."

"But you can call me sugartits anytime." He smiled and wrapped his arms around me, coating both of us in crumbs.

"Well. You do have delightful tits." I kissed his chest. He clasped my neck and pressed my head into his chest as he flexed his pecs. I had to stifle a moan as my face was buried between the mounds. Huh. Maybe this is why people like women.

"Mmmmm." He stroked my hair as I sat up. "Baby- I have an idea."

"What kind of idea?" I grinned.

"Come on." We helped each other out of the hammock gracelessly and he dragged me to his room. His eyes were sparkling as he lay me on the bed. He stripped, and I admired his body. He was posing- his muscles bulging as he grinned at me. He knelt on the bed, his legs spread, stroking his cock slowly as he looked at me. "I've been wanting to ask you for ages." He bit his lip as he looked me over. "I... I want you to fuck me."

"Uh..." I giggled awkwardly. Like... role play? Where we'd never fucked before? "Am I... meant to be like... a virgin here or...?" Joel ran his hand through his hair with a tiny sigh. He shook his head and leaned over me. He took my hand. He looked me in the eye as he unfolded two fingers, and started sucking them. He moaned as his tongue danced over them and spit dripped down my hand. I felt my pants growing tight.

"No." He panted quietly. He knelt over my chest and wrestled my arm between his legs. "I want you. To fuck me." He pressed my fingers to his hole and moaned as I touched him. The look on his face went straight to my dick and I felt myself react totally instinctually. I pulled him up and shuffled down, and he moaned as he pressed himself into the headboard. Surely eating ass wasn't that much harder than sucking cock? Easier in some ways. I was suddenly possessed with the need to make love to his hole with my mouth. To make him feel good in a way I'd never made anyone feel good. I squeezed myself over my jeans for a bit or relief as I pulled his ass towards me, dragging my tongue over his balls.

"Oh fuck baby." He moaned. "That's it." I mirrored what he did for me. I rubbed my fingers over his hole, and gently licked his balls as I inserted one finger, gently twisting it against his prostate. "Rubes..." he panted, "oh fuck, baby... honey... shit..." he whined. I switched my hand to stroking his dick slowly. I pressed my mouth to his rosebud. He liked it, moaning when I pressed my tongue flat against him and flexed it. It made his ass clench when I darted my tongue in. He stopped me when I bit his cheek, pulling away and flopping on the other side of the bed, his hot naked body sprawled out.

"Sorry." I winced. "Never tried that. No biting?"

"More biting." Joel moaned, throwing me some lube. "Bite me all over. But please fuck me."

"Baby..." I held the lube awkwardly. My dick was NOT listening to my brain. I was so hard, throbbing in my jeans. Part of me was looking at his body and just chanting 'Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!'. Joel took a deep breath and pressed his hands hard against his thighs as he sat up. He shook himself, a cute little habit he sometimes had when he was moving from one emotion to the next.

"Ok, ok..." he panted, "listening, listening baby. What's wrong?"

"I... I can't fuck you." I glanced down at myself. Joel gathered me up in his arms and pressed his lips to my neck. He ground himself against me as he held me, feeling my body, lingering on the muscle.

"Well, you CAN." He said. "Are you saying you won't?"

"No I... I'm a bottom."

"You've never tried topping." He kissed me. He was only half trying to have a real conversation. He was way too wound up. His kisses were sloppy and trailing spit down my neck in a way that made me ache. "You might like it."

"I'm too small." I mumbled.

"No, babe. You're not." He giggled. "Trust me."

"I'm smaller than you."

"I'm gifted." He sucked on my earlobe. "If you really, really, really don't want to, then that's cool, baby. I love you. But..." he pulled away and brushed my hair off my face, looking me in the eye. "I am like, 6 feet of pure muscle slave just for you, and it would be so hot if you'd breed me."

Well that was one way to cut through my insecurities. I threw Joel back to the bed with a grunt. I glanced at him as I undressed. He was stroking his cock and fingering his hole, staring at me with total desperation. I unbuckled my belt and dropped my pants, stepping forward as I stroked my cock. I paused for a second as I looked at him, spread on the bed for me, moaning as our eyes met. Before a fraction of doubt could slip in, my cock took the reins and I found myself kneeling over him. I moved his hands to my thighs. I lubed my fingers and inserted them between his massive legs. His eyes rolled back as I penetrated him with my hand, slowly. I rubbed my hand over his chest. He rolled his hips up and shivered, biting down on his lip. I ran my hand over his pec, taking his nipple between my fingers and flicking it. I felt his ass clench around my fingers and I saw his dick lurch.

"Sensitive?" I teased. His eyes fell half open and he smiled weakly at me.

"Bite me." He mumbled.

"Oui, chef." I moved my hand gently, so I could keep fingering him as I lent over. I clasped my hand to his waist. I licked his nipple, and his cock throbbed again, against my thigh. I teased him, rolling it in my mouth as he moaned softly. And I bit him. His whole body twitched. He rolled his hips up and down with pleasure, moaning as he involuntarily started fucking himself on my fingers. I sucked on his nipple gently, kissing the puffy skin. "Hot." I mumbled. I licked his chest, moaning as I tasted his hair and sweat. I ran my tongue down his torso. He shuddered. I paused and let him feel my breath on his dick, and then I bit the sensitive skin just above it, sucking gently. His body tensed and released, like waves of pleasure rippling through his muscles.

"Rubes." He caught my hand and laced our fingers. He opened his eyes again and looked at me blearily. "Rubes, Rubes, Rubes... fuck me. Please. Please fuck me."

I moaned and withdrew my fingers from him. In my horniness I offered them to him. He opened his mouth wide and sucked them, making eye contact with me. Fuck. That was so damn hot. I reached for his bedside table and he stopped me.

"Breed me." He moaned. I paused.

"You... sure?" We hadn't been using condoms for a while. I had a comprehensive STD check up- no other nasty surprises there thank god. But... I don't know.

"Absolutely fucking sure." Joel growled.

"Ok."

I spread Joel's legs, watching his muscles ripple. I was rougher than I meant to be, but his breath hitched. I wrapped my arms around his thighs and hoisted him up a little. He responded eagerly, grunting and thrusting his hips up. I stroked my cock slowly, drooling probably, as I stared at his hole. I'd never had the desire before but there was some kind of innate raging testosterone reaction to seeing him spread before me that turned my brain into a cave man. Breed him. Fuck him. Take him. Yours.

I rubbed my cock between his cheeks, moaning with the sensation.

"Fuck, you love this, don't you?" I heard myself saying.

"Yessss." Joel moaned.

"You want my dick?"

"Yes, chef. Fuck me."

"What's the magic word, baby?" I reached for his nipple and flicked it.

"Please! Please baby!"

"Fuck." I moaned as my thoughts were drained. It was like everything that made me Rueben Valentini was suddenly gone, and all that was left was a freak with a cock for a brain.

His pussy felt sooooooo good.

"Shit, Joel." I moaned, pausing to let my cock throb inside him. I could feel his ring twitch around me. "Shit, good boy. You're taking this cock ... so... good..." I started thrusting. My arms drifted to his hips and I squeezed them.

"Yes, fuck, yes... Rubes..." I rolled my hips, holding him where I wanted him as I pounded, changing my strokes to shallow and slow, then hard again. Joel's mouth was open and his eyes were closed. What felt really good for him? What was making him tremble? I pulled almost all the way out, and paused, pushing in just a little bit. Joel gasped.

"Oh that's the spot isn't it baby?" I grinned. "I got you."

"Mmm... Rubes..." he mumbled.

"Did I fuck the brains out of you?" I asked. He nodded. I was taking fast short shallow strokes, trying to hit that spot he loved. His dick was throbbing and I saw him start to reach for it. My eyes flashed and I caught his hand, pinning to the bed. "You wanna cum?" I growled. His eyes flew open. He nodded as he looked at me.

"Yes, please."

"That's my job." I let his hand go and reached for his cock. I usually found this a bit too much, so I was gentle- just holding his dick loosely, like I owned it. His breath was getting shallow and his body was starting to shake. His muscles tensed and I moaned as his thighs clamped tight around me.

"Fuck!" He grunted, his hips gyrating as cum burst from his cock. I let my eyes roll back in my head as I felt his hole twitch around me. Breed him. I grabbed his ass cheeks and slammed my dick as deep as I could inside him. He needed to take me, all of me, right then. He needed my cum deep inside him. Joel's cock twitched limply as I throbbed deep inside.

"Fuck." I moaned, collapsing. My cock slipped out and I rolled over, grabbing Joel and wrapping my arms around him. We caught our breath, me squeezing the living daylights out of him until he gently pushed me away.

I was a bit embarrassed about horny cave man Rueben and I avoided his eyes.

"Was that... uh. Ok?" I asked. Joel yawned and pulled me up as he stretched out. "You could give me some tips." I suggested. He ignored me and threw a t- shirt at me. "We showering?"

"Mmm." He yawned again and found a pair of shorts. I sat heavily on the bed.

"What did I do wrong?" I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Huh?" Joel sat beside me. He looked at me and took my hand, tracing patterns up my arm.

"Did I say something? Did I hurt you? Do I just... like... suck at that?"

"Oh, woah, no." Joel blinked and shook his head. "No, babe." He blinked again, like you do when you're trying to wake up. "Dude, I am just... blissed the fuck out."

"Is that... good?"

"Is that good?" Joel repeated, rolling his eyes and tackling me to the bed. "You know what blissed out means."

"Well maybe it means something different sometimes...?"

"Moron." He kissed my forehead. "Surely you felt that cosmic shift Rubes? You my man, are a natural born Top. Hallelujah that you finally had a chance to figure it out. No ass is safe." He laughed. "That was fucking awesome for you too right?"

"Yeah." I frowned at him.

"What's up?" He turned his head to one side.

"I..." I looked away. "I was thinking some really shitty things about you."

"Like what?"

"Like... that your... pussy felt good. That I wanted to breed you. That you're mine..." I cleared my throat and glanced at Joel. His eyebrows were raised. "Sorry." I mumbled.

"Oh. No." He pulled me up and sat next to me again. "Uh... when we're fucking... either way... those thoughts.... Ah. You are so welcome to share."

"It feels a bit degrading. In retrospect."

"Yeah." Joel looked at me thoughtfully and touched my thigh. "I guess I personally quite LIKE the degrading."

"But, it's not really how I feel about you..."

"No honey, it's just a kink."

"I don't have any kinks."

"You definitely like breeding me." He raised his eyebrows.

"Everyone likes fucking."

"I guess so." He yawned. "I think we are at the precipice of a conversation that both of us are too tired to have. Pause?"

"Yeah, ok." I leant in and kissed him. He ran his fingers through my hair. "Was it actually any good?" I whispered.

"Oh yeah." Joel grinned. "Maybe it was beginners luck?" He teased as he pulled me up again. "We'll have to try again. Get an average. Ok. Let's get this cum out of my ass."

------ ---- ---- 2.

We had a photo shoot for some publication I'd missed the name of, who were doing a piece on emerging hospitality talent. Pongakawa was one of about six featured restaurants from around Aotearoa, all of whom were managed, if not owned, by under 30s.

I thought it was going to be a casual iPhone shoot, with our names attached and Lydia and Marty would do all the talking and get all the praise- that's usually how this kind of thing worked. I tensed up a little as we walked through the door to see a full camera crew and an actual journalist.

"Oh, is this a big deal?" I asked Joel. He side eyed me and cleared his throat.

"Na, man." He said. "This'll be nothing. Just stand there and look pretty for a photo and give them a dumb quote about local high quality ingredients."

"Got it." I squeezed his hand for reassurance.

It was a proper full on interview. Joel and I did them separately while Lydia flitted around, arranging flowers and pumpkins to look decorative for the photos.

"Oohhhh..." she paused, clutching my shoulder. "Do a bit with the lovebirds together. That'll be cute yes?" The journalist, Miranda, looked at me, smiling.

"Lovebirds?" She laughed. "Ironic?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh, god no." Lydia interrupted me. "Joel's Ruben's partner. In every way, right doll?" She grinned at me and her teeth glinted.

"Well, yeah." I admitted.

"Oh wow." Miranda looked over to where Joel had slunk off to start prep.

"Come here, hun." Lydia called to him. He glanced up and raised his eyebrows at me. He looked at his prep and I could see him take a very deep breath, before putting a very fake smile on.

"What's up?" He stomped over and put his hands in his pockets.

"Miranda wants to ask you guys about you know... you guys." She winked obscenely. I saw Joel shudder a fraction. "Bit of colour you know?" She informed Miranda. Joel winced and sank down beside me. We looked at each other and I could see the apology in his eyes.

"Wow." Miranda laughed again. "You know, I used to waitress part time. There was a lot of front of house, back of house action don't get me wrong. But the leaders seemed to hate each other! How on earth do you not drive each other crazy?"

"We do." Joel said. He shook himself and laughed. A fake laugh. "But we work it out. Good comms in house, great comms out in the wild. You know."

"Gosh." She tapped her tape recorder absentmindedly. "That's lovely. Been together long?"

"Not long." I mumbled.

"But I loved him since the day I met him." Joel piped up. I glared at him and he stifled a laugh. "Well, maybe not." He conceded. "We grew on each other."