Knife's Edge Pt. 04

"Wow! It's so cool to be in a room filled with so much talent....." I ran through the speech again, blushing more at Joel deliberately winding his flatmates up than the actual speech. The response was the same- enthusiastic cheering and banging on the table. I started to laugh.

"Ok, you're getting so good!" Syd said. "One more, stand up though. Just a real quick one standing up looking at us."

"Do I have to?"

"I'll let you decide...." Joel started to say with a twinkle in his eye and I leapt up and wrapped my hand over his mouth.

"I'll do one more if you shut up, how's that?" I kissed the top of his head. I cleared my throat and did the speech one more time. I felt a lot more relaxed. Even though it was just the three of them, it had still felt awkward and embarrassing the first time. I smiled at Syd as I sat down.

"Thanks. Maybe you can give me some more tips closer to the time."

"I also dread public speaking." He put out his hand to fist bump me. "You'll do great."

"I might not have to do anything."

---- ---

We had dinner together, drank for a bit, and then it was late and we all had work so we retreated to our bedrooms. I was curled up around Joel, talking about nothing in particular when he leant over to his bedside table and pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

"Oh, you were serious." I looked at them.

"Me or you?" Joel grinned at me. I gestured to him to give me the pair and frowned as I fiddled with them.

"So you adjust them like this..." He showed me. I shuffled up on the bed so he was sitting next to me and I put his wrist through one, to see how it fit.

"Ok. And then?"

"Unlock here, lock like so, safety catch here." He demonstrated. He unlocked himself and I picked up his hand, inspecting them.

"Unlock..." I glanced at him. "Lock." I moved before he could get a grip on me, gently pushing his arm back against the headboard and tethering him to it.

Joel rattled his arm and sighed. He cleared his throat. His face started to turn pink. I smiled at him and ran my hand over his chest, watching as his dick as it started to plump up.

"Looks like I'm at your mercy, Rubes." He smiled at me. My dick was getting chubby as well, looking at his long form with his muscles bulging.

"Is that ok?" I ran my hand over his chest. "Colour?"

"Green." He adjusted his hips a bit, and his free hand drifted down to his cock. I watched him give it a squeeze and he moaned. I gently removed his hand.

"That's my cock." I said. "You're not allowed to touch it without permission."

"Sorry, sir." Joel grinned at me. I closed my eyes and spread his legs, shuffling down, trailing kisses over his stomach.

I wrapped my mouth around his dick and we both moaned in pleasure. Sucking Joel's cock always made me so hard. It felt so good to kneel before him and bring him pleasure. There was never a shred of doubt in my mind that I was amazing at sucking. I never felt even a tiny bit self conscious. I felt hot, and desirable, and like I was bringing him to a state of pleasure no one else could. I felt Joel's hand tangle in my hair and he thrust his hips gently. I felt his dick throb and his abs start to clench and I drew my mouth away, biting his thighs as started to move.

"Oh, I was close." He whispered. I glanced up at his wild eyes and messy hair.

"What's your refractory like?" I ran one hand over his dick, slippery from my mouth, as I reached for some lube. Joel bit his lip, gently humping into my hands.

"Does it matter?" He ran his eyes over me. "If you're fucking me...." I shook my head.

"No, I'm using you."

"Oh...." he closed his eyes and his dick throbbed. "Fuck, baby." He stroked my thigh. "I'll be good. I won't cum till you say so."

Even in horny role playing mode that sounded like a long shot to me. But I'd give it a go. I squeezed his hand and swung myself around, gently wrapping my thighs around Joel's face.

"Fuck." He moaned. He kissed my cheeks and I closed my eyes, letting him bring me to the brink of ecstasy. I nuzzled his dick, but I didn't suck it- I knew how he felt eating me out. He liked to worship me exactly the way I liked to worship him. He was groaning as he made out with my hole, his free hand stroking my thighs.

"Baby..." I sighed, eventually. Both our cocks were hard. He was twitching as I moved away. I was pretty wet, and pretty loose after his love making to my ass but I grabbed the lube anyway and slowly wrapped both my hands around him, watching his face as I stroked his dick. He closed his eyes, his mouth hanging open.

"You gonna last?" I clasped his chin. His eyes flew open.

"Yes, chef."

"Good."

He held my hand as I spread my legs and sank down on him.

"Oh fuck, Joel." I moaned.

"Fuck, Rubes." He gasped. "You feel so good."

"Yeah." I was too overwhelmed. We fucked all the time and still- whenever he entered me, my body sort of melted for a second as I adjusted to him, falling apart around him. Ugh, he felt so good. I moaned as I managed to move my hips, gently.

"Shit." I heard his breath hitch. It was hard not to smile.

"Don't you dare cum."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He bit his lip. "Fuck Rueben." He looked at me- his big, dark eyes taking in my face, and my body, and everything about me. "Oh dude, use me."

"I am." I closed my eyes and rode him, directing his hand to my chest; my nipples, my stomach- everywhere, because his touch outside was almost as good as his touch inside. I fucked him so hard, driving myself into his cock and moaning as he hit me right- setting the pace and delighting in controlling his dick.

"Dude..." He whimpered. I bit my lip and wrapped his hand around my own cock.

"I love you." I whimpered.

"Don't..." He moaned. "Fuck. Rubes... can I..."

"Oh shit..." I moaned as his dick throbbed inside me. It was so hot it sent me over the edge as well, thinking about Joel, and his thick cock, and the fact I'd just locked him up and forced him to please me....

I whimpered as I fell into his chest and he wrapped his arm around me.

"Hey... honey...." he pressed his lips to my head. "Can you release me?"

"Fuck, sorry!" I sat bolt upright and skirted into his lap as I undid the catch. "You ok?" I rubbed his hand.

"Oh my god. More than ok. Dude. I am your a fucking servant. Oh my god. You own me." His hands wrapped around me.

"Yeah, ok." I laughed.

"I love you so much." Joel pressed his head into my neck.

"I love you too." I mumbled.

"Good." He sighed, his breathing slowing. "Rubes..."

"Mmm?"

No good. He was asleep.

--- --- ---

Joel and I didn't always work the same shifts- both of us had to be overly accommodating with flexibility- people were always making plans and coming and going the first few months of the year. I kissed him goodbye in the morning and saw him briefly at handover at quarter to five and he pecked my cheek.

"Say hi to Paul and Etta." He muttered.

I usually walked home- town to Mum and Dad's wasn't far, and the nights were light at the moment anyway. I just had the weirdest feeling though. Just like a weird gut thing... that... something was off. I caught the bus. I listened to some music and browsed Metal Injection for new releases. I started reading the book that Carl and the eating disorder specialist, Lisa, were trying to shove down my throat. 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. It was probably a fraction more than I had meant to get myself into on a bus ride, and I found I was struggling to tear my eyes away. I gnawed on my thumb as I watched for my stop out of the corner of my eye. I thought I saw a black Porsche behind us as we turned and I shivered. It was probably just the book. Making me jumpy.

The word abuse was coming up a lot. A word I had been avoiding. That was such a big word. Such an uncomfortable, traumatic thing. Something that I didn't think I'd experienced.

AJ was just shitty. He was just shitty and mean. I brought out the worst in him for some reason. Carl had tried to talk to me about it but the conversation went in circles and we agreed to park it until I felt like I could open up a bit more. From time to time other people would use the word abuse and it made my skin crawl. It made me feel like I needed to defend AJ. We were just bad for each other.

But the book... was tapping into some things I was very familiar with. Patterns of behavior. Exertion of control. The author said abuse wasn't always physical. That there was quite a bit that wasn't physical but could still be damaging. I got off at my stop, my nose totally buried. I thought I'd been feeling so much better. I thought I'd just managed a bad breakup really well. But I was starting to think maybe this was just the tip of the iceberg. There was probably quite a lot of processing I'd been wrestling to not do.

I frowned as I thought I heard a footstep and paused. I glanced around. Nothing.

"Hey." I greeted Mum and Dad, thumping my bag down. "Joel says hi. What's for dinner?" It smelled amazing.

"Leftovers." Mum yelled from the kitchen. "I'm playing 'Will it work in a risotto?'.

"Need a hand?"

"No, relax." She waved a bottle of wine at me and I went to pour it for the three of us. I sat down in the living room and kept reading. Dad was reading the paper. Mum was reading Barbara Kingsolver. There was a knock on the door and none of us moved.

The next knock was louder and Dad sighed. He put down his paper and stared at Mum and I.

"Well, don't all run at once." He stood up with a yawn.

He opened the door and there was muffled angry shouting. Mum and I sat up and looked at each other. I frowned. There was a thud, then a yell, and Mum and I both sprinted for the door.

Dad was wincing. He was staring at his knuckles and flexing his hand. And on the ground, clutching a bloody nose, AJ was glaring at me.

"We need to talk." He hissed. His voice was nasally and I blinked at my dad- my tiny, 54 year old dad who worked for the government- who had apparently- broken AJ's nose.

"You need to leave." Dad drew himself up. "NOW."

"I saw Cuisine." AJ was getting up, wincing as blood and snot dribbled down his face. "It's not right, you and him. You deserve better. Someone who can take care of you."

"Leave or I'll call the cops." Dad said.

"Oh that will look so good for you." AJ scowled, sarcastically. "This is assault! I should call them on you!"

"Go for it." Dad folded his arms. "Not like you've got any nasty secrets you don't want the cops poking around in." AJ glared at my Dad and swore at him.

"Darling-" he looked at me, trying to put on his deep syrupy voice.

"No." I shut him up. "Dad's right. Fuck off."

"You fucking clown." He sighed. "Call me when you realise he's an abusive piece of shit."

Dad closed the door quietly and sighed.

"Have we got any Panadol?"

"Darling, sit down." Mum fussed, pulling him back to his big comfortable chair and pressing his wine into his hands. "Here." She bustled past me and threw the Panadol at me. I gave it to Dad.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"What on earth are you sorry for?" Dad frowned.

"I should have...."

"Shhhhh." Dad patted my hand. "It's gonna be ok." He smiled at me. "I've always wanted to punch his smug little face."

--- --- ---

I didn't mention it to Joel. I knew I should have. I knew he'd be raging if I found out. But that's why I didn't want to mention it. He'd be angry and worried. He was so happy at the moment. We were in such a good place. I didn't want to fuck all of that up by mentioning that... ah.... My... slightly fucked up ex had... followed me home...

It was probably fine.

---- ---- ---- 5.

I had skipped the Felix awards for my entire hospitality career. Maybe if I'd ever been nominated I would have tried harder to make it, but AJ thought a big party for industry people was just a drag and a recipe for a three day hangover, regardless of awards.

It wasn't a BIG deal, but it was a big deal... Some crews sprang for matching outfits. Restaurants were closed for the evening and next morning- or had their C teams on, which actually wasn't a bad chance for people to step up and develop. When I realised that me and Kurt and Joel and Charlie all would, in theory, be out for the count- I actually offered to work. Joel glared at me.

"That's not a good look." Marty winced. "You're our main man, Rueben."

So I asked Georgie how she'd feel about it. She sparkled.

"It's a Sunday?" She confirmed. "It won't be so, so, so busy will it then?"

"It should be pretty quiet."

"Do you think I'm.... Able to?" She'd shadowed me and Kurt a bit, but I'd never left her the reigns without one of us nearby.

"Yeah, dude. I wouldn't ask if I didn't. I don't even really want to go. I would definitely rather work if I thought I had to."

"The awards will be so much fun." She wrinkled her nose. "Maybe next year I'll go." She smiled. "This year I'll make you proud."

"Thanks, George."

--- ---

Lydia had given us all Pongakawa merch to wear. Nice embroidered shirts for the guys and screen printed scarves for the girls, although when she fluttered away I quickly said we wouldn't enforce a gendered dress code. Joel hated it. I hated it too but it was all part of the business wasn't it?

"Points for creativity?" I tried to make a game of the enforced dress code on what was meant to be a dress up night. Joel took a scarf and I took a shirt, because I'd never cared what I wore and I wasn't going to start now, even if I thought it was tacky as hell.

I went over to Joel's ahead of time to get dressed and get some wine in me so I didn't have to interact with people stone cold sober. We had the world's fastest quickie to work off some energy. My shower took longer and my mouth dropped as I walked back into his bedroom.

He. Looked... like a total god. I mean. I knew he was HOT. That was like, an undeniable fact about him. He was hot and pretty and sexy and tall and muscled and dark and handsome but... I guess I mostly saw him in gym clothes or chef whites.

I blinked at Joel as he finished tying the scarf like an ascot.

"You... you own a suit?"

"Yes?" He spun around. "Everyone should have a suit."

"Apparently." I admired him. He snapped his fingers.

"Babe, you have to get dressed. We are not on time."

"Too late to call in sick?" I felt my hands going all clammy.

"Here." Joel threw something at me. I frowned as I unraveled it.

"Um. This won't fit me. You're significantly taller..." I muttered, gently putting the red suit down. It was very cool, and Joel probably looked fucking amazing in it but I knew...

"It's for you. It's probably not a perfect fit but there was a sale on at Hallensteins which I know is tacky but it's less tacky than showing up in jeans..." Joel sighed. "Try it on?"

"What? You got me a suit? Joel! Why?!"

"I think you'll look hot in it, that's why." He started wrestling the Ponga shirt on me. "And I FUCKING KNEW your version of 'dressing up' was going to be atrocious." He poked at the pair of shiny black pants I used to wear to play on stage with his foot.

"How much do I owe you?" I tucked in my shirt and blinked at myself in the mirror. The trousers were a little long and I went to cuff them.

"Leave it, cuffs are lame right now." He pursed his lips. "Check the jacket?" I put on the jacket. To my surprise it fit perfectly. I winced at my reflection.

"It's... quite a lot." I pulled at my collar and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Hmmm." Joel undid my collar. "Better." He twisted a strand of my hair around his finger and shrugged. "Eye catching, yeah. You look great."

"Little bit... 80s Dracula?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Ok, I trust you."

---- ---

I thought there was no way I wouldn't be standing out in a sea of well fitting black. But actually, I barely made an impact. People were DRESSED UP. In cocktail gowns and velvet suits and sparkles and heels and accessories.

We mingled- with our staff, with people we knew, with new people. We talked to wine reps and managers and cocktail artists and chefs. This was a big show off 'aren't we great' event and Joel was reveling in the energy of the crowd.

Eventually the ceremony started. They start with the big two Supreme Awards, while everyone's awake I guess. Outstanding Individual and Outstanding Establishment. That first one usually goes to someone at the end of their career, not their beginning like me, so I was happy to relax a bit and let it wash over me. Everyone nominated had been a chef, and front of house, worked in a bunch of places and sharpened their skill set. Most of them were starting their own places, or writing recipe books.

The introduction boasted of the importance of kindness in a changing industry. That new ideas, new faces, and new approaches were going to be key to a restaurant surviving. We needed to adapt in the economy: be brave, look after our staff and customers like family. Lead with love.

"And as anyone who keeps up with my publication will know, love is at the centre of this individual's approach to all things Hospitality. Rueben Valentini, you have an amazing career ahead of you and I look forward to what you serve us up in the coming years." I clapped politely and waited for the award to be handed out. Joel elbowed me in the ribs.

"Ow!" I muttered. His eyes widened and he jerked his head.

"Stand up." He hissed.

"What?"

"That's YOU. Go and ACCEPT it!"

I blinked at the screen, and saw my name there.

I'd only managed to sit on the nerves because I had absolutely convinced myself there was NO chance I would win. Oh no. And now I'd made everyone wait. I quickly stood up. Deep breaths- hello insecurity, hello fear, hello shame, hello anxiety- cool, nice little party we've got going on. I reached the stage and thanked Kelli Brett profusely.

I turned to the microphone and saw the faces staring at me. I tried to breathe through the tension that I could suddenly feel over my whole body. It was taking so much energy just to stand there and not shake. I couldn't make out Joel's face, which would have helped. It was probably no time at all, but it felt like hours as I struggled to open my mouth. I could feel a bead of sweat dripping down my back. I closed my eyes a fraction-

and it suddenly hit me that this crowd probably didn't actually care at all. They probably just wanted the ceremony to go quick so they could start partying. Half of them knew who I was and knew I was always gonna suck at giving a speech, and the other half didn't know me, and didn't care, and wouldn't remember it anyway.

"Wow!" I grinned. "I'm beyond grateful- and I feel like a bit of a fraud with all the talent in the room. It's inspiring to be among this group of people, many of whom have supported me or trained me. Thank you to everyone; there are too many of you to name, but I'll do it over drinks later for anyone who'll listen. A special thank you to my team at Pongakawa who make every service feel magic.... To Lydia and Marty whose support has been invaluable and to our head chef Joel Kaihe who...." I paused for half a second. I smiled at the audience. Anyone who knew me already knew. Anyone who didn't wouldn't even be listening at this stage. "He's alright." I joked. The crowd laughed like we were in on a big joke together, which I guess we were. "Have a great night everyone!" I quickly stepped away from the microphone, my heart pounding. I was ushered off to have my photo taken and I smiled as warmly as I could before slinking back to wrap my arms around Joel.

"You looked so beautiful." He whispered. "Terrible speech though."

"Fuck you." I buried my head in his shoulder. "Ugh, I need more to drink." Joel passed me his glass of wine. I was on my feet again pretty soon though when we won the Front of House team, and essentially repeated what I had just said, only more specific to my waitstaff. We were absolutely cleaning up. I was up and down like a yo-yo to the point where it was getting really embarrassing. Maria won, Charlie won, Joel won...