La Traviata

Note: Gender terms boy/girl are used to infer gender of adults eighteen or older. All scenes and characters are inferred to be eighteen years or older.

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In the closet, femme and gay, your rose will bloom seeking light of day.

My life was two sides of a coin; on one side I was a successful independent businessman with a stable married life; on the other side of the coin, I was a crossdressing closet homosexual. As I traveled to cities around the country with regularity, several times a month, one would think it would be easy practicing the deception of my dual life. In the interest of hygiene, anonymity and safety it was not that easy, I was not going to cavort with a total stranger and put myself at risk. Yet, in my visits to New York, I had stumbled upon Max, a bear of a man who became my lover; dressing for him as his fem boi toy for luscious gay sex was beginning to rule my psyche more and more. Being a feminine closet homosexual, dressing up for him, acting out my true nature with verve and vigor, this was much more exciting than any other part of a mundane "straight" married life I tried to maintain.

In my time at home, this charade was controlling me, as the gay theatrics of my sex fueled double life continued while I was masquerading as a straight married man. I was becoming disoriented about who I really was as. One thing I was, was a chronic masturbator. Gay porn and reading erotic stories about men who were the feminine lovers of masculine men ruled my libido. People in our small town spoke disparagingly about gay marriage; with fantasy and longing, I was jealous of those fortunate gay couples. Sex with my wife Mary was a once-a-week chore for her, lacking any passion or eroticism. Early on in our courtship and marriage she drove me crazy, she was so petite and soft and lovely. I was enamored with her lithe feminine body, perhaps too enamored for the secrets I hid about my own femininity. We loved each other dearly, yet a miscarriage and then being unable to bear children scarred her so deeply, that sex with her was done out of kindness towards me, as her interest in sex had long since waned.

I was average height, quite a little underweight with a boyish face and physique that had always been easy to transform myself into a rather convincing young lady. I was so much like my sister in so many ways. While my physique was boyish with slight curves, I was still slender, soft and bereft of much body hair, much like everyone in my family. My sister Natalie had an unwitting hand in my crossdressing and sexuality, not out of malice, but because we were so close in our lives. Any hint of sexual deviance was a "no-no" in our small town.

NATALIE AND JAMES

Natalie told me I should have been her sister. She was playful, kind and loving to me, her younger brother, and she looked out for me. How and why, she allowed me to start on this path of crossdressing remains an enigma, but the fact that it happened deeply affected the course of my life and that cannot be changed. She was a pretty and headstrong young woman, I looked up to her and my interest in her lovely clothing had always fascinated me, and it showed. We were close and she knew of this interest when one day she playfully asked if I wanted to try on some of her clothing and I bashfully accepted. Let me tell you this, as a guy, to be let into the scintillating world of your sister's feminine attire, to be allowed to try on her clothes with her guidance, her approval, her admiration, these are things that will stick with you in a world where it was very wrong for a male to be feminine.

She loved dressing me up and doing everything she could to make me pretty. Some males, like me, lacked strong masculine qualities and with just a little makeup and styling, a natural feminine aura is an easy result. That was the case with me. With Natalie doing my makeup, doing my nails in pretty colors, putting me in pretty dresses with panties and bras underneath, I will not tell you that I was not very aroused by all this, I was. My erections did not offend her. These times with me strutting around in high heels, a bra and panties she knew by touching me tenderly, Natalie could get my excitement to "settle down".

In our secret world, late at night, no one would know or bother us. I would lay next to Natalie on top of her bed with my head on her bra encased soft feminine breast, the scent of her femininity permeating my soul as she would gently stroke my penis, telling me I was lovely, telling me this is our little secret. As the wonderful touch of her hand would drive my penis crazy, the inevitable ejaculation would spurt forth. Something special also happened, and it happened only twice, I can remember each incident with lucid clarity. Natalie would allow me to masturbate myself as she bared one of her lovely petite breasts for me to suckle upon. This drove me insanely wild as I masturbated myself to stunning and powerful ejaculations.

I never otherwise tried to touch her nor attempted any deeper sexual activity upon her. We seemed to have an understanding that this was the limit of our "playfulness" with each other. With lovely, petite Natalie sharing this secret world with me, it both compounded my ability to look and feel feminine as it heightened my arousal towards soft petite women that would manifest itself years later when I met Mary who would become my wife.

As a guy learning how to be feminine in secret, it was only natural that being a closet crossdresser would stick with me all my adult life. It was only natural that this might lead me to become a crossdressing closet homosexual as part of who I was. Again, it was through Natalie that this occurred. And since I had a very feminine side of me that was a hidden secret to the world, my being able to maintain a dual double life became easy and natural for me.

Quite innocently, my experience of having sex with another guy was through Natalie's benevolent actions. She had a friend, James Browning, who wanted to be her boyfriend. Girls are funny in how they perceive suitors; the guy is fixated on romance, yet the girl has no interest in him other than being 'pals', surely knowing it drives him crazy with desire. James was becoming a nuisance in his pandering for more than friendship with Natalie, when in frustration, she flippantly told him she was not going to date him, that she should dress me up and he could date her "sister", me. That sufficiently snuffed his zealousness of romance towards her, as males generally don't want any inference of gayness when pursuing a female.

Ironically, when Natalie told me what she told James, it did not offend me. In fact, my off-hand retort, "that might be fun" that I blurted out did not faze Natalie, who responded with a knowing smile. What she said must have planted a seed in James' mind, as well as in my mind. While James did cool his pursuit of Natalie, her simple flippant suggestion was now hovering both in my mind and James's. James looked at me differently and was even quite friendly and nice. With Natalie's suggestion running through my mind and knowing what James had been told about me dressing up for him, it made our interaction with each other a bit awkward. It also sent butterflies fluttering through me at the prospect of what might be in this matter. It was unspoken between James and me, but we both knew it was out there about Natalie's comment that I should be dressed like a girl for him to date me. And the fact that it was Natalie's suggestion, as neither of us had initiated this, made it more acceptable in its nature and set the wheels spinning in our heads.

Even in guy clothes when talking with James, I felt like girl. He had to wonder what I might look like if I was dressed like a gal looking like my sister. When an exciting taboo scene runs through your mind, it takes on a life of its own. The suspense of perhaps of doing something so naughty, so taboo, yet knowing it was a very real possibility, this consumes you and clouds your thinking, it did for both of us. When seeing each other, we knew it, we felt something, a spark was igniting into a flame, we just were not sure how to properly proceed.

In truth, it was me who got the ball rolling. It had been many long months since I was allowed to be dressed by Natalie in her lovely clothing, though I admit I masturbated nearly every night in a pair of her 'lent' panties. Can't remember the exact words but I did let Natalie know this would be a perfect time for her to get me ready for a "date" with James. Natalie was thrilled. She was so excited at the prospect, and she casually let James know. Timidly, he told her he would be okay with it but please, please, please don't tell anyone. The fact that this was so taboo and forbidden in our small town made it exciting beyond belief for both of us.

It was a Tuesday, when James was to come over and meet me as Natalie's "sister". Natalie dressed me in simple attire, nothing overly revealing, but still very feminine and lovely. A spaghetti strap floral sundress, simple light blue cotton panties, my toes painted pink, legs and underarms shaved, simple makeup not overdone. I was actually quite versed in wearing high heels, so I felt natural in 3" open toe sandals and at five foot four inches it gave me a little height compared to a nearly six-foot James. Natalie and I waited in the living room for James to come over just after dark. I was a little nervous, yet so very excited. Natalie told me it was a wonderful thing doing this and to just do what feels right.

James knocked and we let him in, and after we had a little nervous small talk standing in the entryway, Natalie said she'd leave us two alone. James and I held hands as we went to the couch. Holding hands sitting together on the couch in the living room, we were like any other couple in courtship, except I was a guy in my sister's dress and makeup. Though he was nervous, James put his hand on my bare knee, and it was a miracle that I did not pee cum in my panties then and there I was so hard. In a flash we were kissing, and fireworks were going off inside both of us.

Sure, it could be called gay, but it was so natural and loving, that for me this was more exciting being the 'girl' than it was being a guy. Only the pressure of family and society did I end up married and "straight" later in my life after college. That first kiss with James should have told me then and there who I was. Guessing as hot as it was in that moment, it would be very hard for me at that age, in that town, in my family to come out as a flaming femme boi, which I truly was inside. The ramifications of any of that did not matter as our passionate necking with hands soon roaming over each other's bodies intoxicated our carnal desires.

Feeling his hard cock through his jeans was exciting enough but when his hand reached under my dress and touched my hard penis through my soft panties an "oh gawd" escaped my lips. Our ravishing each other only lasted a little while before I stood up, took James by the hand and led him up the stairs. As we passed by Natalie's room her door was open a crack when she heard us coming and she gave me a sweet smile and cute little wave of acknowledgement. Once inside my room, alone with James, our passion exploded; it was a powerful romantic contact I had yet to experience in my young life. Kissing another guy seemed so natural and loving as our hands roamed over each other's bodies. James played with my flat "titties" through the thin material of Natalie's sundress, making my nipples hard to his touch as I continued rubbing at his penis through his pants as we kissed hungrily.

Our clothes did not remain on long as he lifted the dress off me, then took off his shirt as I unfastened his pants. As we took to bed, James was naked, and I was only in the soft cotton panties. Our union was a hungry loving passion that plays out countless times in the world when two lovers are joined for the first time. No matter that I was a feminine guy in panties with James, a virile masculine male, it was an untamed expression of kissing, nuzzling and fondling each other's penises. Nothing felt more natural to me when I slipped James's cock in my mouth for the first time, my first taste of cock.

It was meant to be. James swooned in ecstatic response to my warm wet lips on his penis, again no matter that I really was not a female. Our love making continued unabated when quite naturally we joined in a guy on guy sixty-nine, lovingly licking and suckling upon each other's penis. Two guys sucking each other's penis in unison is a decadently lovely sensation, no matter what the implications of homosexuality are. Eventually we ended back in each other's arms kissing and loving, with the building sensation jacking on each other's penis. When James seemed to be getting close, I told him I loved doing this so much as his breathing and agitation increased. Without hesitation I returned my mouth to his cock as this made him thrust it deep, holding my head firmly in his hands as his ejaculation squirted to my mouth. It was so natural and loving sucking cock and tasting semen, I should have realized then I was homosexual.

Back up in James's arms he kissed me and held me in appreciation as his hand found my still hard penis. With my head on his shoulder and his arm around me caressing my cute little butt, his other hand stroked my hard little penis as I swooned in his arms. His grasp on my butt tightened as he jacked me off and his middle finger slid between my cheeks and found my tight little butt hole. Really, just a little fingering in my hole was all it took as my own ejaculation spewed out to my soft whimpering of pleasure. In the fog of our newfound sexual union, we stayed joined nuzzling and kissing in our attraction to each other for the longest time.

Finally, I whispered that he probably should go, but that if he could, to come back again tomorrow night. I put on a robe and the panties and walked him to the door. We kissed hungrily before he went on his way. Back upstairs, Natalie took me into her room, and we chatted like sisters about what had transpired. Laying on her bed in the panties telling her how wonderful it was with James I could not help but get hard again. Quite naturally and lovingly Natalie began to stroke my penis through the panties; she knew, she cared about me, she had a hand in my femininity and now in turn with my sexuality. Feeling sexy, feeling feminine, being aroused by all this created quite a lovely sensation in my penis as Natalie masturbated me to a stunning climax.

From there things progressed with James on a torrid level. As a virile male with untamed levels of hormones, James was on fire with desire towards me. That next night, Natalie allowed me to go a little sexier in dress and makeup with higher heels. Not that the dress stayed on long once James and I were alone in my room and he ravished me in my lovely floral lace bra and pantie set. I lost my anal virginity that night with him, really, he was not going to be denied. Not that I minded, I had long toyed with things up my butt while masturbating, a real cock was so much better. While it started out a little painful and uncomfortable once we got through that, it was copulation bliss for both of us. Our love affair lasted till he went off to college in the fall as we got together whenever we could be alone, which was tricky with neither of us wanting to be discovered as gay. Many times, it was just driving out into the country, finding a place to be alone and letting our sexual desires play out.

These times out in the woods I would wear panties and a bra or camisole under my male clothes though a few times he would throw a blanket on the ground, and I would put on a sun dress for him. He told me his cock was always hard for me as I discovered just how wonderful cock was. Sucking cock, taking cock up in my tight butt, these things and kissing him, acting like a female led my true feminine nature to blossom like the prettiest, sweetest smelling pink rose. Being desired and sought after as a female was heaven and my true nature, though after James left it would be many years until I again had another homosexual experience.

MARY

While Natalie and I were still close, with her off to college as well, the times of her dressing me up faded into a sweet memory. I'm thinking that with mom finding some of Natalie's panties under my mattress might have had an impact on their keeping a closer eye on me and more direct control of my life's path, making sure I did not stray from their conservative values. My own college experience was rather tame though I did meet Mary there towards the end and our courtship began. Mom and dad were thrilled with her, and my crossdressing and homosexuality seemed to be a thing of the past. Her petite feminine beauty enthralled me, and it seemed that my masculine side had won out. Once we were married, on our honeymoon we fucked like rabbits, with us fucking 3 times on the last day of our honeymoon.

Years into our marriage it seemed that things were normal with me, and my old ways and experiences were but adolescent experimentation. Then came the trauma of the miscarriage and the emotional devastation it wrecked upon our relationship. While our friendship was loving and strong, Mary's interest in sex seemed to almost vanish. My interest in sex never waned and this seemed to annoy her, though she tried to be nice about it, she tried to avoid the subject and avoid sexual activity itself. Mary was always somewhat domineering to me, and she started to hold what little sex we did have over my head. If I did something to mildly upset her, she would say things like "guess you're not getting lucky this week" or "too bad no couple activities will be happening this week, Mister". Needless to say, it crushed my sexual spirit as I tried not to internalize my frustration.

It was soon after this that the temptation of feminine garments held sway in my long pent-up desires. I had been such a 'good boy', never once putting on any of Mary's clothing while we were married up until after the trauma of the miscarriage and the way it changed our relationship. But much like a drunk falling off the wagon, the temptation for me was too great. That first time after so many years when I put on a pair of her panties, a flood of memories and the remarkable sensation that it gave me, I was soon intoxicated with pantie lust. Mary never wore any overly sexy panties or lingerie, so as our sex life sputtered, I began gifting her sexy lingerie in hopes that it would re-ignite the spark. Truth be known, while I bought lingerie for her, these lovely garments all found their way onto my body. The sensation of feeling feminine blossomed inside me so dearly like I had found a long-lost friend.

My closet crossdressing came back with a vengeance when she was out of the house, and I was able to be alone. Like my mother did with father, sometimes Mary would travel with me on my business trips, so crossdressing did not happen all that often. When I was able to, my ability to look like a girl how Natalie showed me to, this seduced my deepest desires. These times when I was able to transform myself into a stunning young lady, I felt like I was losing my mind. It was so exciting. Natalie would have been so proud. I had her spunkiness, her gait when I walked in high heels, her feminine movements. Masturbation ruled my world. While I had the once-a-week vanilla sex with Mary every Saturday morning, I was wanking off every chance I got, often two or three times in one day.

Admittedly, pornography crept into my life. As a teen boy, it was girly magazines. Now as an adult, digital porn was a click away, as was the ability to connect with others to have secret online, taboo liaisons. I fought it, fought the temptation of finding a male lover, out of guilt being married, fought it out of shame being a closet cross dresser, and living in a small town prevented an easy connection. Maybe that was a good thing; I was not going to go to a truck stop and suck cock through a hole in a toilet stall. I wanted to be someone's girl. In a dress, and heels with a little makeup I always had a convincing "Natalie" look. I was still skinny and boyish and often went to the gym on the outskirts of town to stay slender and toned. Years before, when James and I were lovers, I knew what it felt like to be a girl for another guy. It was wonderful, sensual, erotic and special. It wasn't all those nasty things people say about males who dress up like girl to have sex with a man.