tagHumor & SatireLanceolina and Guinevar

Lanceolina and Guinevar


6th Century A.D.

Legend tells of the great Queen Arthuria who pulled, tugged, and yanked the great wizard Merlin's long sword out of his rocks proclaiming her as the first female monarch of England. Uniting all the neighboring borders into one huge kingdom, which she aptly named Cameltoe, Arthuria created the historical Knights of the Oblong Table. She originally requested it to be round but it was on back order from Spain. One such famed knight of the organization was the gallant Madame Lanceolina who bravely slew the monstrous Kentucky Fried Chicken of Colonel Sanders saving the town of Hollyweird so it could forever be immortalized by doctored photos, both on the internet and tabloid magazines. This is her story...

Madame Lanceolina read the letter that came from a damsel of distress pleading to be rescued from high atop her tower in the kingdom of Band-Aid. Apparently, the damsel's mother Queen Leodicraprio was forcing her into an arranged marriage with the lecherous villain Baron Tiger Woods who wanted to add her to harem of concubines. The poor princess required assistance from a brave knight to save her from her predicament.

It had been a long time since Lanceolina rescued a fair maiden. Usually her comrades, the male Knights of the Oblong Table, got all the glory for saving innocent ladies and got rewarded with a peek of what lies beneath their chastity belts. It was a typical guy thing around Cameltoe. The man saves the virtuous maiden. The maiden is grateful. She rewards her rescuer by agreeing to do the horizontal mambo with him.

Lanceolina was just not into that. Well, she did experiment with women back in knight school but found it wasn't her thing. As for the Knights of the Oblong Table, the organization had been a male dominated profession reeking of testosterone, male chauvinism and dirty socks. How was a girl supposed to compete with that?

Queen Arthuria did not help matters either. With the exception of Lanceolina, she slept with nearly every male knight in her court. What can I say? The monarch suffered from sexual addiction. Instead of seeking out help for her problem, she made frequent visits to the free clinic to the point that her vagina had its own zip code.

What was a female knight to do under these circumstances? Simple. Prove to everyone that a woman is capable of doing the same thing a man can do and she would do it by rescuing Lady Guinevar.

Racing across the forest on her trusty steed, she finally found Castle Band-Aid. After parking her horse in the handicapped section, she ran across the courtyard to storm the castle. Surprisingly no guards were in sight while she snuck up the stairs where Lady Lanceolina was being imprisoned. Unlocking the wooden door of her room, Lanceolina called out for the troubled maiden.

"Lady Guinevar!" shouted Lanceolina. "It is I! Knight errant for Queen Arthuria! The Knight of the Oblong Table! Lanceolina!"

A high pitch sound came from behind a changing screen. "Oh brave knight! You came to rescue me from my infernal prison. My hero!" The maiden rushed out from behind the screen to reveal herself as Lanceolina's eyes adjusted to the sight.

Lady Guinevar wore a blonde wig, heavy make-up, and low cut white dress. Despite embodying the image of an innocent maiden, the person stepping in front of her had broad shoulders, a hairy chest, a five o'clock shadow, and furry legs. In addition, there was no concealing the huge sword tucked between the legs that laid exposed through the sheer fabric.

"What is it courageous knight? Has my vision of loveliness enraptured you?"

"You're a dude!" exclaimed Lanceolina.

"Well you're no prize catch either buddy," Lady Guinevar's voice suddenly changed from a soprano to a deep alto. "You're one to talk. You're not fooling anyone with those huge melons on your chest beneath that chainmail!"

Sadly Lady...er Lord Guinevar's words hit right to the point. Sure, Lanceolina cut her hair short to resemble a male knight but she could not conceal her ample assets in the cleavage department of her uniform. No wonder the other male knights kept staring at her enormous knockers when they talked to her. She silent cursed her mother, a tavern wench, for genetically gifting her with massive mammaries.

"Well don't just stand there brave knight, you're here to rescue me!" Guinevar pointed out. "Let's hit the road Jack before my mother Queen Leodicraprio catches us!"

Before she could protest, Lanceolina stopped short as a group of guards rushed into the room with Queen Leodicraprio in tow. "Not so fast son! Madame Lanceolina, I'm so glad you're here to rescue my son...er daughter Guinevar."

Lanceolina drew her sword. "If it is battle you wish for, I warn you I'm a skilled swordswoman."

"Chill out okay!" Queen Leodicraprio clucked. "Look if you must know. I made up the whole story about marrying Guinevar off to the villainous Lord Tiger Woods. He has enough sluts to deal with along with a couple paternity suits. My true intentions were to drag you here so you can rescue Guinevar and then make him...er her as your bride...or groom!"

"What? I am to be used as chattel in an arrange marriage to this...this knight?" gasped Guinevar. "Mother you can't!"

"Oh hush Guinevar," ordered Queen Leodicraprio. "It's time that you marry as my heir to the kingdom of Band-Aid and take over the reigns of rulership." She sighed as she continued. "Perhaps, it is my fault. I coddled you too much as child because I wanted to have a little girl so I dressed you up in frilly frocks and hair ribbons. Maybe that influenced your penchant for cross dressing? I don't know but I loved you enough to accept you as you are. Personally having a gay son would have been the icing on the cake but no you had to be straight..."

"Sorry to interrupt," said Lanceolina. "No offense, your ladyship, but how do you know Ginevar isn't a homosexual? I mean look what he's...er she's wearing."

"On the contrary my dear Lanceolina," answered Queen Leodicraprio. "A mother knows. Besides I've caught him a couple times stroking his shaft while spying on the chambermaids during their bath times. Also, he keeps a stash of Playknights underneath his mattress along with a box of silk kerchiefs and a pot of candle wax. I don't want to think what my son does with that."

"Mother that is so obscene," snorted Guinevar. "I am lady and won't be talked about in that fashion!"

"Are you sure he's...I mean she's not gay? Not there's anything wrong with that," Lanceolina politely commented. "Guinevar has too much of a swish to be into women."

"No dear he prefers women. It's this fetish for transvestitism that turns off any potential bride. What woman would want a man who dresses up in women's clothes?" Queen Leodicraprio stared at Lanceolina. "That is why I did a background check on you. You're the youngest daughter of ten brothers and have a thing for wearing men's clothes even though you're not a lesbian. You and my son...er daughter are perfect together! So I say you two consummate the relationship and we will have a marriage ceremony downstairs when you're through."

"Do I get a dowry and your kingdom if I become Guinevar's spouse?" she asked.

"Mother you can't!" protested Guinevar clutching his/her chest.

"Oh hush Guin!" snapped the queen. "I'm doing this for your own good. How else are you going to get laid? Of course you get my kingdom as long as I get some grandchildren out of the deal. It's about time I retire to Jamaica and fuck a dozen young Rastafarian bucks anyway!"

"Done," responded Lanceolina.

"Wonderful! Now go forth and breed." Queen Leodicraprio ordered her guards to follow her as the door to Guinevar's chamber locked from the outside.

"Now where were we?" Lanceolina grinned.

"Don't you dare touch me!" Guinevar protested. Lanceolina grabbed his arm as she dragged him into the bed. "Unhand me you brute! I'm a lady! Chaste and pure! I won't be manhandled by the likes of you!"

"We'll see about that," Lanceolina growled as she planted several long kisses across his lips. She pinned his wrists against the bed post as Guinevar struggled to free himself. However, she proved to be quicker than him by straddling his abdomen and sliding her tongue into his mouth. Guinevar squirmed at the invasion but quickly his senses submitted as her moist tongue teased his own mouth and teeth.

She tore the top of his gown free exposing the hair on his chest as her hands stroked the curls across his massive chest feeling each groove and indentation of his body which caused his own flaccid cock to slowly rise. Lanceolina bent her head down to catch each nipple flicking his round nubs with her tongue as she sucked, bit, and nipped each sensitive areola causing him to moan in protest at his responding body.

Giggling at his helplessness, she quickly stripped off her shirt and chain mail to exhibit her huge breasts to Guinevar which his body gladly reciprocated his feelings with a straining erection underneath his womanly gown. Lanceolina dragged his strong hands to her funbags as his hands fumbled, rotated, and flexed each vein in his wrist squeezing their roundness in his hands.

"Don't just play them with! Suck it!" She ordered lowering her chest to his face as he began suckling each pink nipple into his mouth. She moaned in pleasured allowing his tongue to work each sensitive point while a strand of Guinevar's wig hair tickled her naked breasts. "Now let's see what is hiding beneath that dress of yours!"

"No...please...I'm a lady...a virginal maiden..." begged Guinevar.

Lanceolina ignored his cries slipping the skirt of his gown to his stomach and then yanking off his undergarments. Observing his prick standing at full attention, she gave the shaft a playful push with her fingers making it vibrate in front of her.

"My, what a big boy you are!" She made this abundantly clear, lowering her head to receive him parting her lips to wet his impressive cock with her mouth. The hard shaft disappeared down her throat causing the cross dressing young man to groan with desire.

"No wait...I...I...ooooooh." Guinevar said nothing more as Lanceolina's mouth teased his bulging prick. He felt the hot breath of her tongue massage the tip of his head before she inhaled him once again. He moaned in response to her hands massaging his undercarriage finally finding that secret opening of his back end and prodding it with a moist finger.

Guinevar's hips bucked at his private opening being violated by her single digit. "Stop...please...that is inappropriate! You can't put your finger there!" The pleasure of her finger entering and withdrawing had been too much for him. "Never mind! Put your finger there!"

She did as he requested before releasing her finger from his sacred spot. "Now for the real consummation! Remember Guinevar, I like to be on top!" With rough hands, Lanceolina spread apart his thighs as her fingers teased the long hairs of his legs making him fully vulnerable to her.

She quickly discarded her breeches, tossed them aside, and positioned herself on top of him as his legs involuntarily wrapped around her waist. Finding the opening of her feminine folds, she forced his hard prick inside her.

"Noooo...please...I'm a virgin," he kept insisting as his hard prick met her wetness.

"Shut up bitch and enjoy the ride!" She ordered. Her hips drove into him and she moaned submitting to the pleasure of the friction. "You're a virgin no longer. Now let me fuck you!"

Guinevar held on to Lanceolina has she pumped her hips allowing his hard cock to slide in and out of her damp cleft. The knight's bare bottom rose and fell riding his shaft faster and faster clenching him hard within her folds.

Guinevar's head banged against the headboard making his wig crooked completely lose in the sinful delights of both their desires. It would be him who would cry out first.

"Oooooohhh...oooohhhhhh. Lanceolina...I love...you!"

"I love...fucking you too," answered Lanceolina as she continued to grind her hips into him.

Guinevar could no longer contain himself. Releasing his seed into her, she in turn did the same spewing her own womanly juices. He began to say something but Lanceolina stopped him with a slew of kisses as they held one another in the tangled sheets. Still holding his composure as a lady, Guinevar readjusted his wig before uttering a word in their afterglow.

"So I suppose this means we're getting married?" He asked her.

"Looks like we are," Lanceolina agreed. She propped herself on one elbow. "There are a few ground rules though that you have to follow Guinevar. First of all, I'm the man of the family and I always wear the pants. I expect a clean house, food on the table, you taking care of the kids and I want to spend time with my poker knight buddies from the kingdom of Cameltoe! Do you think you handle that?"

"On one condition," Guinevar pointed out. "Do I still get to wear beautiful dresses, be able to get my hair done, have an unlimited line of credit, and get to have plenty of sex with you?"

"I can't see why not," smiled Lanceolina.

"Then it's a match made in heaven," chuckled Guinevar. "Now dear wife...er husband. Why don't you show me what real man...I mean woman can do!"

And Lanceolina did.

So the marriage of Lanceolina and Guinevar took place each pledging their everlasting love to one another as Lanceolina became the new queen...er king of Band-Aid. Queen Leodicraprio stepped down from her position as monarch retiring to Jamaica where she fucks Rastafarian bucks, two at a time.

Many wars were fought in England in the name of Cameltoe until a scandalous paparazzi shot of the nymphomaniac Queen Arthuria in bed with her half-brother Morgan Le Faye forced her to step down from her reign as monarch. This left room for future male kings to take over the throne beheading their future wives in the process.

As for Lanceolina and Guinevar, they had ten children together. Five girls and five boys to be exact. The girls became well respected knights while the boys became foppish celebrity designers whose clothes now grace red carpet events and Paris runways. And yes, they're all straight!

So ends the tale, thus far

Of the great love between

The cross-dressing duo

Of Lanceolina and Guinevar!

The End

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