Last Man: Brian's Tale

A full-throated cry announced the arrival of the newest MacTavish. Mairi smiled and relaxed with a whispered "I love you" as she gazed into my eyes. My job done, I released her hand and gave up my chair; Simon took both instantly. His face fell as he realized that he had sired a daughter instead of the son he had wanted.

"She's beautiful," Mairi whispered to him. He nodded slightly, and bent forward to kiss her on the forehead. She whispered something to him, and I saw his face light up. I wasn't close enough to lip read, but I didn't have to. I knew what she had said.

"What is her name?" A nurse holding a clipboard asked.

"Kathleen Brianna MacTavish," Ellie responded immediately.

"We don't have any Briannas in the family," Mairi said, looking puzzled.

"No, but we have a Brian," Ellie responded, putting an arm around my waist. Then Mairi got it, and she gave me a look that almost made me forget what she had whispered to Simon. Almost.

Mairi cried from time to time over having to give up little Kathleen; she hadn't expected how attached she'd become after carrying her for nine months. Other than that, she recovered quickly.

We were over at Simon and Ellie's all the time now, it seemed: it was a lot easier to transport two elementary school kids than one infant. Ben quickly adopted a protective big brother attitude toward his little cousin Kathleen, while Gillian tried very hard to be a second mom. Ellie was happier than I'd ever seen her, and even Simon seemed to have gotten over his disappointment. Of course, I knew why.

One evening after the kids were in bed, Simon and Ellie sat Mairi and me down and said they had a surprise for us. Did they ever: they handed us tickets for an all-expenses-paid cruise to Alaska! Complete with child care. We'd talked about going there, but thought we'd have to wait until the kids were out of the house.

"We know that what you did for us, giving us our Kathleen, put a strain on your marriage," Ellie said with tears in her eyes, looking straight at me. "We want you to have a chance to reconnect and act like newlyweds again, far away from home and work, in a place we know you've wanted to visit."

"Yeah, what she said," Simon grinned. I shook his hand, and hugged Ellie while he hugged Mairi, and we planned the trip. Details will remain private, but the intentions of the givers were completely fulfilled. It was better than our honeymoon. We knew lots of ways to please each other that we hadn't known then, and we discovered some new ones, too. We decided we would have to go back to Alaska sometime and actually see the place. It looked beautiful, from what we saw of it. Our fellow-cruisers razzed us a lot, but hey: given the choice between staring at my beautiful wife and staring at a moose or a glacier or something, what was I supposed to choose?

Life went on after we returned from our cruise, and most of the time, I could convince myself that we'd made it through the Ellie's Baby episode with our marriage intact. Mairi was completely devoted to me and our kids, except when Simon and Ellie were around, which was too often for my taste. It was still obvious that Simon was in love with Mairi. It was also obvious that his love wasn't completely unrequited. I could still sense the love between the three of them whenever I saw them together, and it was growing stronger. And I wondered when the words Mairi whispered to Simon at Kathleen's birth would come back to bite us in the butt.

I asked myself if I would be willing to go through all that pain and heartache again. That was easy: no. I had put up with it for Ellie's sake, and to avoid upsetting Ben and Gillian, but there were countless times during those ten months that I'd called myself a fool for not divorcing Mairi. We both had the same ideas about fidelity: whether it was swinging, swapping, sharing, or just plain cheating, it was a deal breaker for both of us.

Mairi refused to consider the possibility that everything wasn't exactly as it had been, only better. "I told you everything would come out all right and we'd be fine, remember? I know you had your doubts, but you have to admit I was right. Just like always, right?" And she would say it with a loving smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes that would make my doubts seem petty and small.

It was less than a week before Kathleen's first birthday when it all came out in a rush. "Ellie and Simon and I have all talked this through. Simon needs a son to carry on the MacTavish name, and Ellie wants him to have one. We all three want to do it naturally, just as we did with Kathleen. Ellie's as eager as Simon is, because of how close it brought us all the last time. We talked about the timing, and we decided to start trying about the time Kathleen turns one. Simon's got his clean STD test; here it is. Ben and Gillian won't be a problem, because they've already seen a cousin growing in Mommy's tummy. They love Kathleen so much, you know they'll be eager for another cousin. I know you probably don't like the idea, but it won't be as bad this time, because you already know we can do this and we'll come out fine."

"So why are you telling me this now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You offered this to Simon on the day Kathleen was born. The minute he saw that she's a girl."

"How did you know that?" Her tone was sharp, as usual when things weren't going the way she planned.

"The expression on his face after you whispered to him. I'll ask again, why tell me now?" It suddenly occurred to me that for one reason or another, we hadn't made love in the last three or four days. "Unless you're really telling me that you've already started?"

"No, we haven't. Simon and I wanted to start last night. I didn't want to give you a chance to say no, and possibly ruin our marriage over something we already know we can survive. Ellie talked us out of it. She said that one of the things that was hard for you last time was the fact that I deliberately took away your voice. She insisted that you should have your say. She's sure that after we've talked it out, you'll say yes."

"Oh, she is, is she?"

"Yes, she is, and so am I. We know it wasn't easy for you last time, but we know you'll do it for her. As I said, she's as eager for this to happen as Simon and I are."

"So you're eager to do this?"

"Yes, I am. It's something I know I can do for my little sister that she can't do for herself, that will bring joy to her and to her husband, and I know you love me enough to do it with me."

"What do you mean, do it with you? Seems to me I'm still the one left out of this."

"Well, I guess I mean let me do it. But we both know from last time that I'll make it up to you. I know..."

"You know nothing." Mairi was taken aback by the cold tone of my voice. "You don't know how many times I cursed myself for being foolish enough to stay married to you. You don't know how it feels to have to settle for blow jobs..."

"Come on, I know you enjoyed those blow jobs."

"Yeah, but when someone else is getting everything from your wife and all you're getting is blow jobs, you begin to wonder why you're still married to her."

Mairi looked shaken. "I didn't know," she said softly.

"You didn't ask. You didn't care. You just did it. I had to either put up with it or leave. Tonight I'm wondering yet again if I made the right choice."

"I'm sorry, Brian. I've never asked if you have come to accept it, because I was afraid of what your answer would be. I only knew I had to make sure we were okay at the end of it, and I did, and we are. You know we are, and you know you made the right choice. We love each other enough that we'll be fine this time, too."

Mairi was thoughtful for several moments. "Brian, you remember one of the things I wanted from this the first time was to draw us all closer together. It worked. Simon is incredibly grateful to you. Remember the cruise they bought us? I want that closeness to grow even more. We've all talked about this, and now everyone's had their say, and no one's said no."

"But I never said yes, Mairi." I let that sink in a moment. "You're right, you and Ellie and Simon have a bond that you didn't have before, with me as the odd one out. It's obvious every time you're together. You're also right that the three of you conceiving another baby together will make it stronger yet, leaving me further out. Is that what you want?"

"I don't want to leave you out, but I do want to do this, very much."

"And just how is that not leaving me out? There's something else. Simon is in love with you. He just lusted after you before, but now he loves you, and you know it. So I'll ask you: what are your feelings for Simon MacTavish?"

"I... I don't know. I've never examined them, I guess; I just let them happen as they would. It's all about family and love." That damn intoxicating lilt was strong in her voice.

"And sex." I sighed. "So you've decided that you'll let Simon knock you up, again, and there's nothing I can do or say to change your mind."

She smiled, damn her, and didn't even bother denying it. "And that's always how it's worked the best, isn't it?"

"For you," I said, without returning her smile. "So I'll let your actions tell me what your real feelings are for Simon and for me. And I'll react accordingly."

We left it at that. I didn't want to say anything Mairi would see as a threat; I knew from experience that would just stiffen her spine. But I did want to let her know that she couldn't count on my acting the same way I had going on two years ago. I think Mairi dropped it because she could still say I hadn't said no, and she knew if she pushed it farther, she might not be able to say that. She certainly knew I didn't like the idea, to put it mildly. When I went up to bed, I could hear Mairi talking on the phone in Gaelic; not much surprise there.

I was still awake when Mairi came up to bed, and I thought perhaps after our discussion we could reconnect a bit.

"Please, not tonight, Brian. I'll make it up to you later, I promise."

"I think it's been almost a week, Mairi. Aren't you about to climb the walls? Or are you slowing down on me?"

"No, it's not that, I'm just tired tonight. Please understand."

I thought a moment. "When did you stop your birth control pills?" Mairi gave a little gasp. "So I was right, all the decisions have been made already, haven't they? All this shit tonight was so you could tell Ellie I'd had my say, then go ahead and do what you've already decided on. Tell me, Mairi, what happens if I say no?"

"You won't. You love me too much, and you know we can get past this, because we already did it once. You know I love you, and I'll make it all up to you." She repeated all of it as if I were Gillian's age.

"Do you love me enough to not put me through it again?"

My beautiful wife came to my arms, and molded herself to me, as she'd done so many times before. "Brian, I love you more than I ever have or will love anyone else, and I will love you for the rest of my life. You are my man in a million, the best man I've ever known. That's how I know we can do this, and we'll be fine. I know this, as surely as I know anything. And if you let yourself believe, you will know it, too."

She snuggled her face into my chest and fell asleep, and that was that. I think that was when I finally admitted to myself that I had lost my wife to a damned MacTavish. And with Mairi already saving her womb for Simon, there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it. Literally.

Ellie and Simon came over the next night, and the big "vote yes" campaign began right after the kids were in bed. I'm not sure why they bothered; all the decisions were already made, including mine. I guess they just wanted to feel better about what they were going to do to me. Mairi said she loved me and was sure everything would be fine, over (and over) again. Ellie told me how much it would mean to her and Simon and Kathleen and pretty much the rest of the civilized world. With one notable exception: me. (Not that Scotland is all that civilized.) Simon was smart enough to keep his mouth shut, mostly. Finally, Ellie asked the big question.

"Brian, you see how important this is to all of us. Can't you give Mairi your blessing to do this, so she won't have to worry about her marriage? You know she loves you."

"That's the question, Ellie. Does she? I've tried to help her understand the hell I went through the last time. Does Mairi love me enough to not put me through that again? As far as I can tell, she doesn't. What I felt didn't matter to any of you when you ran off to Annapolis, or when Kathleen was born and you decided that you would do this to me again, and it doesn't matter tonight."

"But it does, Brian!" Mairi and Ellie were both emphatic.

"Really? Then if I say no, you won't do it?" They looked at each other and we all knew the answer. "I'll say it again. I don't believe someone who loves me, and who understands even part of what I went through so you could have Kathleen, would deliberately decide to put me through that again. Now you know I don't like it, and I've had my say."

"You didn't say no," Mairi said hopefully.

"If you love me, I shouldn't have to."

The lengthy silence was too much for Simon. "Look, Brian, I know I've not been the best brother in law, and I'm sorry. I really have to have a son of my blood. If I don't, my family dies, forever. I don't have any other options. I know it pretty much sucks for you, but after a few months it will all be over. What can I do to make this work better for you?"

"Go halves with me on in vitro fertilization." The three of them looked at each other, hoping someone would have something to say. "If this really is all about your having a son of your blood, that shouldn't be a problem."

Ellie tried, bless her heart. "Brian, conceiving Kathleen together was the most loving thing I've ever been part of in my whole life. It's brought me so much closer to my husband and to my big sister. It's not just the sex, but doing it artificially would be so clinical, so impersonal. It wouldn't be the same. That's why we want to do this naturally, together. Mairi knew you'd have a hard time accepting that, so she wanted to just go ahead and start and tell you afterward so you couldn't object, like she did last time. I told her no, because letting you have your say was the least we owed you. Now you have, and we've listened. We understand, truly we do, but we still want to do this. Can you please find it in your heart to let us have this together?"

"I can certainly see the closeness between the three of you. The problem is, there's no place for me. Oh, that's right, I forgot: I watch the kids while you build your closeness." The sisters looked sort of guilty, but no one said anything.

I spoke directly to Mairi. "Remember what I said to you when you came home after running off to Annapolis to fuck Simon? I said when you love someone, their thoughts and feelings matter to you. You think of them when you make decisions. Remember when I said that if you shut me out of another decision like that, we were done? And letting me have my say after the decision is made doesn't count."

"I love you, Brian, and I know you love me. I promise we'll be fine." I shrugged and left the meeting. The die was cast, as they say.

Kathleen's first birthday was happily celebrated at Simon and Ellie's two days later. Kathleen was every bit the Wee Celtic Princess, and was fawned over accordingly. Ben and Gillian were falling all over themselves trying to make her smile. Fortunately, that was an easy job. We adults relaxed and enjoyed watching them. On the surface, it looked like a typical happy first birthday party for a well-loved little girl. If you looked closer, though, you could see that barely-hidden excitement when Mairi, Ellie, or Simon would catch each other's eye.

It was a school night, so Ben and Gillian had to go home long before they wanted to. I packed up their gear and loaded it and them into the car.

"Coming?" I asked my wife.

"Ellie or Simon will give me a ride home," Mairi told me. "Remember how much I love you."

"I will if you will."

For a moment, just a moment, she looked worried, almost indecisive. Then her face cleared and she came to me and folded herself in my arms, giving me a soft, tender, intimate kiss.

"Brian, you are my man in a million. I love you tonight, and I will love you while there's breath in my body." She gently left my arms, patted my cheek, and turned her back on me and strode into the house, her head high and her red hair flashing in the setting sun.

Midnight came and went. No Mairi. No surprise. I half woke some time later to the sound of Mairi getting ready for bed, softly singing "Eileen Aroon" as she brushed out her long hair. I closed my eyes and listened, knowing I would never hear her sing it again. She came to bed and spooned with me, her arm around my waist and her breasts pressed into my back.

"I love you, Brian," she whispered. "I'll make it all up to you, and you'll be happy in the end. I'll make sure of it." I tried to keep my breathing steady as the tears fell from my eyes.

The next morning I told Mairi I'd be late getting home from work. I had some errands to do.

"Don't worry, I'll be home before the kids' bedtime so you can go to Simon's. You did fuck him last night, didn't you?" I knew, but I needed to hear her say it, just to be sure.

"No," she smiled lovingly at me. My heart leapt; I couldn't help it. "We made love. All three of us." Stupid heart. I nodded and walked out the door.

The rest was predictable. I saw a lawyer, had the papers drawn, and showed them to Mairi. She cried and begged, and promised she would make it up to me and our marriage would be fine, she would do anything to keep me, except stop fucking Simon.

Ellie called. "I didn't mean for Simon and Mairi to fall in love any more than you did, but it happened."

"So you've noticed it too, then?"

"Yes, but it doesn't mean Mairi doesn't love you any more. I know Simon still loves me, and I'm making the best of it. After all, together they gave me my beautiful Kathleen. Why can't you do the same?"

"Simon and Mairi's love includes you. It excludes me. Have you watched Mairi when Simon and I are both in the room? Have you noticed who she watches, pays attention to? It isn't me. Right now, Ellie, Mairi is Simon's wife more than she is mine. I'm just making it official."

"Mairi loves you, Brian. She's over here crying her eyes out over you, and I know you love her, too. Can't you try to make this work?"

"She'll stop crying soon enough. She'll have you and Simon and all the kids. Before long, she won't even miss me. Trust me, Ellie. This is what she really wants, she just hasn't admitted it yet."

"But what will you do?" She really sounded concerned, bless her heart.

"Sometimes, life just sucks."

The kids and Mairi moved in with Simon and Ellie, we sold the house and split the proceeds, and that was that. I missed my kids, but I knew they were happy and well cared for. Most of all, I missed the fiery redhead who had once loved me. I knew when we met that I would never meet anyone like her. I haven't.

Mairi sent me a letter, right after the divorce was final.

"Dear Brian,

"I am so sorry that it has come to this. I never intended for it to be this way. I never even thought it was possible. I still can't believe that my beautiful marriage to my man in a million is over, even though I have the paper that says so right in front of me.

"It didn't have to end this way. You've always said I knew you better than you knew yourself. I know, I've always known, we could have made it past my having a second baby with Simon, in the same loving, natural way we had Kathleen. I must believe that, or I couldn't live with myself.