Last Months in the City Ch. 05

"Okay yeah" Chris replied, not at all dissatisfied with the lack of a yes. It would be new for him two, but he just saw something between him and Jamie that he didn't want to go to waste. They'd danced around a relationship for a few weeks now, so what was the point in trying to not call it like it was?

Jamie was saved by the alarm that went off on his phone, telling him that his load of laundry was done. They got up and fixed the chairs where they had been sitting. Chris started to walk away but was pulled back by Jamie who kept a tight grip on his wrist. He curled, like a strand of ribbon rolling into itself until they were close. Jamie kissed him softly in thanks which got one of Chris' smiles- now famous at this point. He did want to meet Chris' parents in the same way he wanted Chris to meet his friends. But none of that want changed the fact that he would be leaving come December. He just couldn't stomach the idea of sitting down with the Wu's for a beautiful Thanksgiving meal, knowing full well that he'd be breaking it off with Chris soon after.

Jamie hated how he was hiding the truth, but he was tangled up in this spider web of withheld information that pressed into his windpipe like a noose. He just didn't know how to break free from it without hurting Chris in the process. He needed to figure out how to tell him.

***

Jamie sat back into the leather conference room chair with his mouth wide open. "I-I'm sorry, can you please repeat that?" He said, shaking his head while his supervisor and a rep from HR sat across from him with plastered blank faces.

He looked over at Deborah- the woman he'd been working under for the past year and a half. In that time, she'd done no more than sit him down every other week and dish out a laundry list of things for him to do. Apart from those brief interactions and the countless work-related emails, he knew nothing about her. And in turn, she never bothered to ask anything about him. "At least she was nice" Jamie reminded himself, every time he wondered if maybe the situation seemed so cold. He just couldn't compare to the stories his friends often shared of office happy hours and invites to their co-worker's baby showers or weddings. He was in a perpetual state of being the new guy- the one everyone was friendly with, but never bothered to get to know.

Deborah sighed as she repeated herself, "I'm afraid that we're going to have to let you go, James." He winced at hearing his first name- having not been called James by anyone except the people here. He'd insisted on being called Jamie his first day here, to which the office manager explained, "We prefer to use full names here because we're in a formal setting."

"Unfortunately Corporate is having us let go of a few employees here and at our Los Angeles Office." She paused for a second and fixed her glasses, "There's really nothing that we can do about it." She looked at him, square in the face without a sense of emotion. No quiver in her voice, no pain from having to fire someone, not even a tremble in her eye that made iseem like she even cared. Everything. from her wire framed glasses down the suede blazer and pearl necklace that he knew were real just mocked him to his core. "

"I'm terribly sorry that you have to be let go at this time, James."

Jamie sighed. He knew deep down that work had been slowing down these past few months. The laundry list that Deborah gave him seemed to dwindle lately and so did his morale. The truth was that no one in this city was really looking to restore old buildings- not when you can just tear it down and rebuild for cheaper. Marissa and Garrett's firms had been snatching up projects down in Silicon Valley- effectively securing their offices with guaranteed years worth of work. The likes of Google and Facebook weren't looking to renovate, they were looking to break ground.

"I understand." He finally said, wearing the straightest face he could muster. He looked over at Deborah who seemed to be calculating how he'd respond. He extended his arm, "Thank you for the opportunity and for all you and the company have taught me thus far."

It all felt so wooden. Like he was reciting a speech he wrote and committed to memory. He needed it to look convincing- not because he wanted to save face with any of these people, but because his pride depended on it.

"It was a real pleasure working with you, James" she said, shaking his hand. She turned to the lady beside her who'd been silent the entire time, "Ella's here to answer any additional questions you may have. Now because you're being let go for reasons not related to your performance, Headquarters will be providing severance for two months."

Jamie nodded as Ella handed him a few pamphlets with the company's bright orange logo now like a big middle finger to his face. He took them, shuffling through the sheets like a losing hand of cards.

"HR will also provide you with some resources to look for other employment opportunities." She lowered her glasses, providing the first sense of human interaction the entire meeting. "And I will gladly write a letter of recommendation for you as you start applying elsewhere."

He faked a smile and collected the papers, setting them into his messenger bag. "Thank you, Deborah and you too, ma'am" he said, turning to both of them before getting up and returning to his desk while the rest of his coworkers went about their day. As he walked down the stretch of workstations, he saw Geoff- one of the guys who'd started around the same time as him- heading towards the Conference room where Deborah and Ella had remained. It at least gave him some comfort knowing he wasn't the only one, regardless of how twisted that fact was.

Jamie takes the rest of the day to close out a few items as per the carefully detailed bullet point list provided by Ella. He sends a few emails to his clients, providing the vague write-up from HR that explains he'll no longer be working for the company. And after a little more paperwork and some clearing out of his desktop, he leans into the mesh-back chair that suddenly feels uncomfortable for the first time. At a minute to five, he looks around at his desk, taking note of the lack of things he'd accumulated here. He packs up the "USF Dad" water bottle that Mairssa gave him as a joke, as well as the miniature lego sets of the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum from Kevin and Garrett and carefully tucks them into his bag. He unzips the front pocket and slips in the pictures of home from the last trip he'd taken and sets it on his shoulder. He doesn't even bother to work through some half-hearted goodbyes with his co-workers- most of whom didn't bother to talk to him outside of the copy room or to say there were doughnuts in the kitchen. He does pass by Hailey on the way back from dropping off some paperwork at HR. She stops for a second, giving him a sad smile. This time, it seems sincere.

As he leaves, he holds the door open for Geoff who's carrying a small box of knick knacks presumably from his own desk. The other boy gives him a nod with a somber pout which Jamie returns with a knowing shrug. Maybe in another life they'd bond over their mutual firing over a round of beer, but not in this life; not today.

***

Sullen, Jamie walked to his apartment from the bus stop, feeling like his legs weighed three times as much as he made his way up the slight incline that San Francisco streets were known for. He clutched onto that bag, careful not to damage any of its contents which would further serve as a reminder of today.

He reached for his keys and looked up to see Chris sitting at the front steps of his building. He sat on that six-inch curb with his jean covered knees pointing up at the sky as he baked in the early evening sun. Once he saw him, Chris got up with that characteristic smile. It was almost enough to elicit one from Jamie. Almost.

"Hey" the younger boy said as he got to his feet. "I didn't hear from you all day so I figured it must have been busy." Jamie sighed to himself, thinking about the few texts that Chris sent him while he was meeting with his boss and later when he was clearing out his computer. He did intend to reply, at least to say that he didn't have time today to chat, but even that seemed to fall through his reach.

"Sorry" Jamie said as he walked closer to the boy, fiddling his keys in his hand. He looked up with the best attempt at not frowning he could muster, "It really wasn't a good day."

Chris nodded and turned back to the steps. He pulled out two plastic cups from the part of the entrance that wasn't covered in sunlight, both of which were sealed at the top with dozens of black pearls sunk down at the base. He produced two straws, offering, "I figured as much, so I thought I'd help smooth it over."

Jamie smiled, legitimately this time, as he pulled Chris in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around him, holding a little tighter than he'd admit to. But Chris didn't seem to mind. He did the same, Jamie could feel the boy's warm touch bleeding through his buttoned-up shirt. He turned to kiss him on the cheek, feeling the hundreds of thank you's leave his lips and stay pressed on Chris' skin.

"Can I come up?" The boy asked as Jamie continued to hold onto him. He nodded yes and let go to open the door.

Once they got inside, Jamie carefully set his bag on the chair. He undid the top bottom of his shirt and his sleeves, letting his body breathe for the first time that day. Chris had made himself at home on the couch, leaning into the fake leather like a sight for sore eyes. Jamie reached for a straw and pierced it through the plastic top, pretending like it was Deborah or Ella or anyone at that company who made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He swallowed the mix of taro milk tea, custard and boba- a combination that Chris had remembered from a random conversation weeks ago.

"Thank you for this" he said, lifting up his drink, "and for checking up on me."

Chris nodded and moved slightly, making room for the boy who joined him on the couch. "You wanna tell me about it?" He said, taking sips of his drink and trying not to push his luck by asking.

Jamie sighed heavily and turned toward the boy. "I got fired today Chris. They let me and this other guy go this morning. That's why I didn't text back because I was closing things out."

Chris gasped, "Jesus J, I'm so sorry." He pulled the boy into a hug, rubbing his back. He pulled away so they were face to face. "Did they tell you why?"

"They wouldn't really get into specifics." He said while scratching his head. "My guess is that they let go of me and this other guy- two of the newer employees who weren't in the middle of any major projects." He looked aside, "Low hanging branches that were easiest to cut off."

"Don't think like that, Jamie." He draped his arm over the boy, "it sucks right now, but maybe it's for the best."

"For the best?" Jamie asked with a sneer.

Chris shook his head, "I don't know, maybe?" He said with a shrug, "You always talked about how you were underappreciated and that you wanted to leave."

Jamie got out from under Chris' hold, "Yeah, on my own terms!" He stood up, "I wanted to be the one to leave, Chris- not have the rug pulled out from under me."

"Okay! I shouldn't have said that." Chris sighed, "I'm trying to make you feel better- I just don't know what you're going through."

"Yeah you don't." Jamie said a little too loudly. "This past year has felt like I've been barely holding on and I just don't need you here telling me that it's going to work out cause it hasn't worked out yet!"

"I feel like I've failed, Chris." Jamie said, looking down at the boy. "I couldn't hold on to the shitty job that I didn't even like."

"J" Chris sighed, "Let me help you. We can try and get you another job. Maybe you can talk to Marissa or Garrett and see if their firms are hiring. There's gotta be a better fit out there."

Jamie felt that lump in his throat as he sat back down on the couch. He pressed his hands to his face. He felt like he was strapped to this couch as the apartment caught fire. He had nowhere to go, nothing to do but watch it burn.

"I'm not going to get another job, Chris."

"Why not?" The boy asked, confused.

Jamie sighed, "Because I'm leaving San Francisco."

Chris shook his head like it wouldn't accept the words coming out of Jamie's mouth. "What do you mean you're leaving? For how long?"

Jamie looked up, "For good." He said feeling a weight cast over him.

"All because you lost your job?" Chris asked, waving his arms at the boy who offered little response. "Jesus, Jamie!"

"No, it's not just because I got fired- that was just the last nail in the fucking coffin." He composed himself again, "I've been planning to leave for a while. I just-" He looked up to Chris who'd been standing over him with his shadow filling the space where Jamie sat. "I didn't know how to tell you."

"How long?"

"It doesn't matter."

Chris shot back, "Of course it fucking matters!" He crossed his arms, asking again, "How long have you known you were leaving?"

Jamie swallowed, but he couldn't get the taste of kerosene out of his mouth. He could feel it bubbling up, just waiting for a match to set it ablaze.

"Almost two months."

"Two months!" Chris threw his hands up in the air, shaking his head. "Did you know you were leaving when we met?" He asked, louder than before.

Jamie sighed, feeling it all start to unravel. "I made the decision that day." Chris sunk down in the nearby chair, pushing Jamie's messenger bag farther into the cushions. The older boy looked over to him, "I didn't know that this-" he pointed between the two of them, "would turn into anything."

"You had every opportunity since then to tell me! And yet you kept it to yourself!" Chris ran his fingers through his scalp, gripping onto his jet black hair. "What were you going to do? Just sleep with me one night and then leave the next morning?" The vein on his neck was even more pronounced as his face filled with blood that boiled to the surface. Jamie had never seen him this angry.

"No, of course not." He reached for the boy who pulled away quickly, "I was going to tell you - I just didn't know how." He exhaled deeply, "At first we were just having fun, but somewhere along the line, things got real between us. And I just-" Jamie could feel his emotions come up to the surface, "I was scared that this- like everything else in my life- would just go up in flames."

"That's where you're wrong, Jamie." The younger boy said, looking up with pain in his eyes, "I would've understood that you wanted to leave, but I can't believe you'd keep it from me for so long- not the way that things have been between us lately."

"You've got to figure out what it is you really want." Chris said as he pulled off Jamie's grip on his wrist and walked out the door.

Jamie sunk back into the couch, pressing his hands into his face until he could see fingerprints all over his skin. He didn't know how he could let it go this far. He looked over at the chair where his messenger bag was, still indented where Chris sat. Their two drinks had completely melted, leaving rings of condensation that would surely stain through his cheap wooden coffee table. Now, there were even more reminders of the things he'd done wrong.