Laura's Cardinal Ch. 01

The knock on the door brought me out of my trance. Opening, my heart stopped. Two uniformed police officers stood with their hats in their hands. Each with pained stares. I knew.

I must have passed out. When I came to the young female officer was next to me with her hand resting on my shoulder.

Apparently, a grain-filled tractor-trailer semi failed to stop at a stop sign and broad-sided Laura's car. They said that given the condition of her car, she never knew what hit her.

The next few days, I was a walking Zombie. Funeral details... arrangements. I just went with the flow... numb to the world. How was I going to make it through the next few days... and then after... alone.

The first night of the visitation before anybody arrived, I asked if I could have some 'alone time' with my wife... my Laura.

The funeral home mortician was a master at his craft. From the horrific brief moment at the morgue to positively identify my Laura to now looking upon her peaceful beauty in a coffin lying on a bed of red rose petals. Her hands crossed. The diamond on her engagement ring, which always had a luster of its own as if it was being fed from Laura's being, seemed to lack its usual radiance.

I don't know if you were supposed to do this or not; but, I took her left hand, the hand closest to her heart, and just held it in the warmth of my hands. Looking at her serene face. Her closed eyes. The eyes that held me captivated from that very first moment and then every time since. Those eyes that were so full of life. They were so soft and warm when we would stare into each other's souls. The eyes that I prayed would open. That this was all a dream... a very bad dream.

My voice quivered... cracked... many times as I talked to my Laura.

"Laura my love, I'm here. You're beautiful... so beautiful. You were always beautiful when you were sleeping.

"I remember that very first morning after we had made love for the first time the night before and I woke before you. Laying next to you and watching you sleep with a gentle smile. Your eyes twitching as you slept as you dreamed. I always wondered what you were dreaming of. You looked so peaceful... so beautiful."

A light warm kiss to the back of her hand.

"You gave meaning and purpose to my life. You had me hooked ever since that first moment when our paths crossed and you looked up at me through those soft brown and gold-streaked eyes with a look of need. It was then that I knew that you were someone special. And I know that you did too. Especially later when you said that you had a feeling that you weren't supposed to just say 'Thank you' and then just leave. Something was telling you that we needed to spend some time together. That we were meant for each other.

"It's like what I read someplace, 'When two souls are meant to connect: location, timing, and circumstances are all irrelevant. They suddenly become a magnet for one another'.

"Our first meeting was just that, the universe ebbing and flowing that one afternoon. But why did the universe take you away from me? From us?"

"Why did God feel that he needed you more than I need you? Nobody needs more than I need you."

The tears were flowing. My voice failing me with almost every word.

"If I had known that that morning a few days ago would be the last time that I would hug you. That the kiss, just before you went out the door would be the last. The parting smile would be the last time I would see your shining face so full of life. I would have hugged you tighter... kissed you longer... held the loving gaze of your eyes one last time.

Then in a final surge of raw emotion.

"It's not fair," I wailed into the empty room before collapsing with my head on Laura's still and non-heart-beating chest sobbing like a baby.

Again, I don't know if it's acceptable. I didn't care. I was alone with my Laura for our last time. I put my warm lips to Laura's cool, but still soft lips for one final goodbye kiss. A tear fell from my cheek to hers and for a brief moment, it looked like she was crying.

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We were not particularly religious. Laura's parents belonged to a small non-denominational church, the same church where we were married.

As friends and family filed by the open casket. Music played softly in the background accompanied by videos of both Laura's life and some from the special songs that Laura and I enjoyed as we snuggled in our quiet moments of our shared closeness.

Moody Blues: 'Candle of Life and 'New Horizons'

Bruce Springsteen: 'If I Should Fall Behind"

Elton John: 'Circle of Life'

Ray Price: 'You're the best thing that ever happened to me'

Celine Dion: 'My Heart Will Go On'

Bob Dilan: "Knock Knocking on Heaven's Door'

Clannad from 'Last of the Mohicans': 'I Will Find You'

Standing at the gravesite with just the family. The minister saying his final words which were lost on me. I looked out over the forest of trees. On this warm and sunny October morning, the leaves of the maple trees seemed to take on a brighter-than-usual brilliance. And there, sitting on the nearest maple tree with its leaves the color of gold, sat a bright red Cardinal, cocking its head as if silently watching our group. Listening.

I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was still in a foggy daze, but for some reason, I made a mental note of its presence.

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Time went on... slowly... lonely. I became withdrawn. Nighttime times were the worst. Alone in our bed. Her scent still lingered faintly on her pillow. The quietness in the apartment. Bourbon became my nighty and sometimes daily friend. The problem was... that just made things worse.

Getting out of bed was a chore. Just doing simple things like having to go to the store for something other than bourbon took all of my effort. I didn't want to face the 'happy' world... faceless strangers in the store who seemed to have a normal life... God, I envied them.

Visiting Laura's final resting place became part of my daily routine and many times that was the only reason I had to get up. And at times, even getting the ambition to do that simple task seemed overwhelming.

With every visit, I always placed a single red rose on the cold headstone.

It was those quiet moments that I would pour my heart out. To let out all of my emotions, leaving me drained. Still, and I don't know why, but talking to her always seemed to have a calming effect. Many days I spent my entire afternoon at her side with my hand resting on the intertwined hearts.

My parents checked in on me. Many nights found me at their dinner table. I think that they wanted me to spend as little time alone as possible and I was pretty sure that my mom wanted to make sure that I was eating.

Laura's parents checked on me too and would invite me over for an occasional dinner. That was nice, but it was hard. Laura's mom was a vision of what Laura would look like in her later years, with the same gentle smile. The same soft brown and gold gemstone eyes. The same warm personality.

The counselor told me that it would be hard to want to be close to someone again. To trust and believe that they too, wouldn't be taken from me. To have your heart ripped out like that makes you never want to put it out there again. But, he told me to believe that there is someone out there for me and that it would take time and most likely occur at a time and place when I least expected it.

My boss saw that I was useless and told me to take as much time as I needed. He had met Laura many times and knew of our deep connection. I doubted that I would ever be able to have the concentration and drive to continue in my job.

The Holidays and then the personal days were harder than most: our wedding anniversary, Laura's birthday, October 22. Those special personal days found me lying in the soft grass atop her final resting place. It brought comfort and a closeness, knowing that she lay, asleep beneath me.

Unbeknownst to me, with each visit was the ever-present Cardinal perched on the same tree branch. Sitting quietly. Watching. Listening, but sending the Power of her love to comfort and soothe my aching heart; helping me to heal, pulling all of my heart aches into her dimension, helping me to heal.

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The investigation into the root cause of the accident revealed that the semi-trailer's brakes failed. Further investigation discovered that that particular trailer had been reported by a number of drivers that the braking system needed to be looked at, as they didn't feel right. Since it was the fall harvest season and every trailer was desperately needed to keep up with the demand by the farmers to get their grain delivered to the various grain elevators, management made a conscious decision to forgo the requested maintenance until the demand let up.

By the time the lawyers and juries were done; the company filed for bankruptcy and upper management was brought up on criminal and civil charges.

The driver of the truck was not held accountable. He did testify that as he was desperately trying to stop the truck before it got to the intersection, he didn't see Laura's car until the last moment, just before impact.

Once the lawyer's fees were deducted from the final settlement, the remaining was more than I could spend in ten lifetimes. I could easily live on the dividends and interest with buckets left over. I didn't want money... I wanted my Laura. An extravagant lifestyle was neither mine nor Laura's and I wasn't about to change.

Laura's parents at first refused to accept what I wanted to give them but then changed their minds as they realized that was what Laura would have wanted. Funds were also deposited in a trust fund for Laura's brother. He would be eligible to begin drawing from it upon successful completion of college.

My parents also initially refused to accept anything as they had everything they could ever want, except a loving daughter-in-law. They finally agreed when I suggested that they could donate it, in Laura's name, to whatever charity they deemed worthy. My sister was also taken care of to the point where she wouldn't have to work for the rest of her life.

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So that's what found me, again standing at my Laura's snow-covered grave once again reading the inscription through tear-filled eyes. Even after three years, it hasn't gotten any easier.

"I'm here, Laura, my love. I miss you."

My aching heart just poured out one more time.

"My mind still talks to you all the time, especially when I'm alone in our empty bed. My heart still looks and longs for you. I know that a thousand words cannot bring you back, because I've tried and tried... and tried. I know that a thousand tears cannot bring you back, because I've cried and cried until there was nothing left."

On my knees in front of the piece of cold granite, my fingers move over the black intertwined hearts and then her name, 'Laura Marie Swanson'.

"I miss you... God, I miss you so much. What am I going to do? I can't go on like this... missing you... loving you."

Pausing, to catch my emotions.

"Everything that I see reminds me of you. Of all the times we spent together. Of all the things we did together. Of our dreams. Why didn't we just drop everything and chase our dreams together? We were cheated out of those dreams. Life is too short."

Casting my gaze over the snow-covered headstones and trees. The snow muffling all sounds from the outside world, leaving me with just my thoughts.

In the quietness, the words from the Moody Blues 'Threshold of a Dream' came to me from out of nowhere.

'When the white eagle of the North is flying overhead,

And the browns, reds, and golds of autumn lye in the gutter dead

Remember then the summer birds with wings of fire flame

Come to witness springs new hope, born of leaves decaying

And as new life will come from death....

....Love will come at leisure

Love of love, love of life and giving without measure

Gives in return a wondrous yearn for promise almost seen

Live hand in hand and together we'll stand

On the threshold of a dream'

In the quiet solitude, standing at the head of my Laura's final resting place, reflecting on the sometimes tragic complexities of life, and the unfulfilled dreams we shared. All I could think was that, through the Power of Our Love, she was talking to me as I reached out to her. Like the final words of her dedication song at our wedding, 'Whenever you reach for me, I'll do all that I can'.

And just like that... It came to me... what I was supposed to do

Telling me to get on with my life. To follow my dreams. To find my own fulfillment, wherever that may lead. To live my life to its fullest. Telling me that I was on the verge of discovering something extraordinary within myself and somewhere, someone, out there in the world. And through it all, that I would be guided through the journey by a loving invisible hand... her hand... My Laura's hand.

"Laura, my love, I have to leave. I'm going on a trip. The kind of trip that we dreamed of taking but, never took the time to follow and live that dream. I don't know where. I just know that I need to get away from here for a while. I don't know when I'll return but I will. You'll always be in my thoughts... You'll always be in my heart no matter where I go because I love you so completely. You are my one and only soulmate. I know that I could never find another you."

Leaning down, my lips gently kissed the intertwined heart and then her etched name.... 'Laura', which seemed warm to my lips.

Suddenly, a bright red Cardinal gently fluttered by and came to rest on a snow-covered branch, just like after Laura's funeral and countless times since. Suddenly, I was reminded of what I had read someplace but had totally forgotten, about seeing a Cardinal. A Cardinal is a sign that a loved one who's passed on is near, letting you know they're with you so long as we keep their memory alive in our hearts

This time instead of silently watching he gave a chirp announcing his presence, 'talking to me'... saying.

"I love you."

"Chirp"

"I am watching over you."

"Chirp"

"I will guide and take care of you wherever you go. Trust and follow your heart and it will be fine."

Another cock of his bright red head, a final chirp, and he flew off into the snow-covered trees.

And just like that, I was wrapped in a warm and soothing blanket. Laura's 'Power of Love' bringing an inner peace that I hadn't felt in a very... very long time, as I realized that that beautiful and lively bird was my Laura. My Laura, reaching out and talking to me... doing all that she can...'Laura's Cardinal'.