Learning Slave Psychology Pt. 07

To a degree this chapter can have some telling in it, but do keep that to a minimum.

Here I might have used a different word: Blake was now awaiting trial not for attacking a slave—which was only the minor crime of mistreating maltreating livestock—but for felony embezzlement.

You write: By the time I got rid of my collar in March, he would be fitted for his own, far more permanent one.

This indicates a very efficient legal system, one where justice is swift (and hopefully in this case correct – as you haved indicated.) That speed could well be due to: 1) the quantity and quality of evidence the Bank can provide (It is clear they’ve been building this case for a while). 2) the general idocy of Mr. Blake (One of my Alpha Readers friends was doing criminal psychology and commented that many of them had IQ’s that were close to but not over 85.)

Again I add a modifier in: By the time I got rid of my collar in March, he would be fitted for his own, far more permanent one.

And I do want to read his story of redemption and how his soul is changed and grown. Thus being graded ‘Choice plus’ he spends most of it in a gay brothel or something like that.

You write: a psychiatrist to serve the swelling number of slaves in Texas. This indicates that both debt and criminal enslavement is becoming more common, so the system hasn’t been there too long – not 40 years, but perhaps 20.

New paragraph at: During that time, like any other slave, the applicant was expected to be naked in public, frequently bound, and always available for penetration in any hole his/her owner permitted.

I would add a bit here: and always available for penetration in any hole his/her owner permitted, by anyone their owner allowed. This gets a high degree of safety with some owners (the ones where the slave is used by the owner and said owner has a lively appreciation of the risks of STDs).

New paragraph and I add a few words at: As a result most slave psychiatrists had, for one reason or another, been indentured earlier

With only 17 slave psychiatrists in Texas I would presume this is the first in that state, however, you believe there are 50 states, and I’m writing 104, but there are others. I have recommended that you take on the writing of the story of another of Professor Walker’s budding slave psychiatrist, a male this time, and Nikki, Paul and Ms. Williams all sort of collaborate, but from the bad slave from the cult story Ms. Williams sends him elsewhere, not Paul’s club.

Again I’m adding just a little: I had foolishly self-indentured myself to the State of Texas to satisfy that requirement,

In my pre-alpha readers fiction that I’m tapering into like you’re tapering into the Jo Doe Stories, the 42nd Amendment lets federated states within the US return to a single ledislature (still dumber than any slave anywhere) and retain all of their previous split up states US Senitors (this affects only California and Texas. Only Texas re-unites).

Make two sentences and kill the and at: of Texas to satisfy that requirement. , and I had to admit that the experience had given me many

New Paragraph at: Fortunately for my mind and body, Paul Sousa, the wealthy owner of a high-end BDSM

Again I add just a bit: had out-bid the slave brothels when I was sold at the Big D Slave & Cattle Market, the notorious vender of high-end slave pussy.

I use Slave & Cattle because the legal issues around dropping part of a name can be nasty and they clearly would like to keep the connection so that slaves are more like cows.

New Paragarph at: Master Paul began by employing me as a bondage waitress and occasional submissive at his club.

New Paragraph at: My slave rape by Blake—which was not, of course, considered rape under Texas law—

I was typing up a segment where I thought of the comment in your text: The only thing I really disliked was being led on an almost weekly basis into the local Dallas office of the Texas Agriculture Department's Livestock and Slave Division.

My text that provoked this comment was: They don’t let us get sunburned… That’s a long term problem – we’ll, all of us, have to watch for skin cancer. There’s lots of sun’n’we’re mostly naked. <Rita Camping Ch.85 ∆ 1.0>.

This is an issue that Texas Agriculture Department's Livestock and Slave Division WILL have to concern itself with. Slave’ll have to be inspected weekly by their owners, and at least quarterly by a Slave Inspector / Vet to be sure there’s no melanoma developing (Particularly with the longer term slaves).

Those performing sex will need frequent ‘Bum Days’ when they get cleared of any bacterial or fungus infections and get the latest in STD Vaccines. Yes it’s a wonderfully lewd situation, but serious malfeasance, like not inspecting for sun burn, failure to get required shots, will result in ex-slaves suing owners. Yes the bar is high for them and low for the owner, but it is still there.

Killing a slave will be what crime? I’d guess a special case manslaughter? Surely theft.

On second pass I saw a word that’s on my kill list jump out at me. You should be more than a little sparing of ‘ALMOST’ and almost never use it.

I also want you to name the city, Dallas I think, where the Live Stock & Slave Division is.

You Write: I was there to offer my mouth to an official as a tip to expedite the recording of various slave transactions, such as….. I’d love to see more deeply into the routine ‘slave transactions’ that the XYZ bank had. Likely borrowers who were bankrupt.

Perhaps looking at that flashback, or Bringing To Remembrance, and lets face it she’s doing the same Walk Of Shame every time she leaves the building

I’ve changed your wording at: Anyway, after about five weeks working, or is that (working it? Working 9 inches to 5 inches? Take your choice, ) for Lily,

Make two sentences and kill an and at: indignities, ( including nudity) than I. , and t They never stood on ceremony about my slave

I’m putting in a This and a new paragraph at: This in turn, this meant that all the members/customers and some of the staff felt me up whenever I came within reach,

You write: There is apparently a huge part of the adult American population who have always wanted to fondle and fuck a cheerleader!

The reason for this is that Cheerleaders are the leaders of the Herd, and the most desirable of desireable to the heard. My Alpha Reader who is writing extensively about NERD heros (See How to Train Your Dragon) comments that the Herd is a thing of fear and so belongs to the devil who is a creature of fear. I see his logic, it’s sound but God of Chastity Devices it’s terrifying.

You write: often meant that I got to bypass the tie-me-down, whip-me, beat-me, make-me-write-bad-checks

What does, where does the phrase: make-me-write-bad-checks come from, and why is it in a BDSM Reference (Respond by email on this one)

Kill the and at the start of the sentence at: a true masochist) is often the least enjoyable part of the evening. And t The marks left by straps

I’ve added a couple of words: And the marks left by straps and other instruments of torture / pleasure sometimes hurt for days.

Second Pass I’ve seen another word that really shouldn’t be used: As I've remarked before, Master Paul was always looking out for me, especially shielding me from really the more painful forms of BDSM. Really, really is very over used by some of us.

New Paragraph at: On Valentine's weekend, the club was running various fund-raisers for a local children's hospital.

I believe my spell checker changed: I would probably have become a paediatrician if I weren't so focused on psychiatry.

New Paragraph at: So, I bashfully asked Master Paul if I could volunteer to do something to help with the

Two items, New Paragraph at: This was not only distracting when you're carrying trays full of glassware, but frustrating because, at least for me, the clit buzzer never209A stayed on long enough for me to climax. 209A) this function I call an agonizer from A Taste of Slavery by Thors Fist, who does a good job of showing all the time. https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3450384&page=submissions

New paragraph at: I have GOT to stop volunteering to be a sex object!

New Paragraph at: Oh, boy, here it comes. Cheri anchored my widespread ankles to the floor, cuffed my hands together behind my back, and connected the handcuffs to a pulley system that allowed her to pull my hands upward,

This is getting close to a Strapado, and if you agree to be my alpha reader I’ll let you see my 2005 Starpado Fuck. It’s wonderful for the subs, but best if done by a male dom, not a femdom.

New Paragraph at: Now, instead of getting vibrations from only my own half-a-dozen tables, I would be

This is a wonderful fun BDSM expereance and YOU DON’T SHOW IT!

THIS IS A MAJOR MAJOR FLAW IN YOUR WRITING!!!!!!!!

New Paragraph at: I have no idea how many times I came that evening, nor how long I was tied down, spanked, and teased the following night.

This is very very bad telling. This is something you have to show, and I know it’s hard – halting speech isn’t easy to write but do it at:I haltingly explained that I really liked him, to which she replied This ends with a speech tag, not the introduction to the next speech.

Put in a POV line at: AT THE BANK

Paul Sousa’s view point

This is how you start a chapter brilliantly: "Good afternoon, XYZ Bank, President's Office. This is Elizabeth Sullivan." In one move you’ve introduced an important part of another story and at the same time you start a new beginning in this one.

You’ve gone to transcript form here, and that is wrong. It shouldn’t be transcript unless you’ve given background that lets you have that. You should be in ordinary conversation mode. You do in other stories shift POV character and that should be done here: "Well, if you're talking about borrowing one of my service girls like you did a few years ago, I'm rather short-handed at the moment. You just spoke with Elizabeth, whom I've promoted from the kennels to be my E.A." Pamela said:

Be careful here. I think the US spell Favor without the U but again my UK oriented spell checker wants one in: I actually wanted to return the favour and lend YOU a girl for a month or so

No new sentence at: and lend YOU a girl for a month or so, a 24-year-old pleasure slave who looks like a cheerleader

Two questions on "Yeah, a convicted criminal slave: What were their crimes, and how did Hal Walker get into med school with a felony conviction? Or did he get a pardon for whatever he did, or did it go away at the end of his indenture? This would be nice, but it can’t go here.

You are changing subjects here so a new paragraph at: Anyway, I don't know whether you've heard this before, but in order to qualify as a slave psychiatrist, you're required to spend at least six months in a collar.

New paragraph at: Hal had already met that requirement, as we just said, and I think that's true of most of the people who become slave psychiatrists.

I am not usually a fan of articals, but I think you should add an ‘a’ at: But now, one of his students, a Nikki Sheldon, had never been in bondage but was determined to be a slave shrink.

New Paragraph at: This girl— I should say woman, but she looks younger than her age—is drop-dead

I find your phrasing interesting, and less than clear at: It hurts my soul to send my recruits through the HCI slave market; it would be

I’d love to have a little more knowledge of what she’s recruiting for. I’m not sure if Paul would know or have to ask. Perhaps one or maybe two words as in: send my recruits for bank submissives through, would be sufficient

Great line and it gives real clarity to what is happening in: Anyway, Hal Walker and her parents asked me to buy her contract and protect her from the slave brothels,

I will say that with ‘my collars’ the relatives can track their slave in some detail. They’ll get gps location every 15 minutes, and so long as the four cameras in the collar are not taped over, and the sound similarly blocked, they’ll see about what their relative sees and hears – but it’s panorama and fisheye lenses.

Now the video has to be down loaded by induction overnight so the owner gets to edit it to some degree (and believe me in CoL they do heavily to protect their secrets).

Again a new paragraph at: If she's foolish enough to give herself to the state to become a shrink, she might as well get her money's worth or rather body's worth so she can help slaves with different experiences.

New Paragraph at: “I rented her out to a slave temporary agency in November, but she was such a fantastic.

Note in edited text I’ve been moving the Name: to the end of speech.

Again I want to insert a modifier, not a big one but perhaps important, you’ll know better than I: I wasn't trying to make her to miserable.

New paragraph at: So, I’ve pulled her back to the club for the holidays. Again, she never complained or resisted, I’m changing I pulled to I’ve Pulled

I like your point about endangerment. Slaves do have a higher death rate and injury rate and lets not talk about PTSD & Addison’s disease (that my buddy’s getting to write a whole novel to avoid in his magnum work).

However, a very few words about what he’s afraid of would be in order at the end of the paragraph.

Where do I get the data on Pearson Ranch from: , unlike your sluts she's not a graduate of Pearson Ranch, although she really

This implies that the XYZ bank has slut kennels. Why and how or a pointer to where that goes or is told (I’d whish shown) would be nice: Pamela: "Deal. And, speaking of Lily, she's now my deputy head of H.R., and she and Elizabeth handle my slut kennels

This is excellent form and I do it often. Usually at the beginning of chapters. It should appear at the beginning of this one too: (Nikki's story , continued)

I’m sorry. Having lived in Houston and being from Canada my Alpha reader rejects that anywhere in Texas gets cool. Cooler perhaps so it should be: the cooler weather justified covering me up most of the time.

I think you need to put a pronon in at: hat's me, Lily Russell and Elizabeth Sullivan, she’s the bank CEO's executive assistant.

Again another new paragraph at: “First, assuming you have a few computer skills, we'll set you up doing basic IT functions

Again my UK inclined spell checker doesn’t like: Free ladies rarely witness this, but I'm sure you've heard rumors. It wan’ts rumours. I’d leave this change unmade.

Again new paragraph at: “In essence, VIPs—major investors, government officials, and so on—get on-demand sex to sweeten the deal and have them prioritize the bank's business—getting a government official

New Paragraph at: “Elizabeth or I, or very occasionally our boss, Pamela Williams, may take you along

This is the third paragraph form one at: “My apologies, because this will be demeaning and sometimes uncomfortable for you, but we'll try to protect you from abuse.

No new sentence for questions: performance by bank employees, but we'll talk about that when it comes up, questions?" My only

I’d move the paragraph as follows:She continued,

"Speaking of bank employees, I need to explain your status. Ms. Williams, the president and CEO, recently introduced a mandatory code of ethics that included fair treatment for everyone, even slaves.

New Paragarph at: “By now, you know that this kind of groping and oral sex comes with being a slave.

This is a good start: Williams or H.R.) to penetrate your other openings. Nor can an employee monopolize your time

In my stories anybody can penetrate a slaves openings, BUT only their owner and their household may do so bare back. If a non-householder penetrates a slave, be it cock, or hand, without a latex separator, that’s a Condom or Opera Glove, then they are guilty of Misdemeanour Sexual Assault and subject to six months as a sex slave themselves.

This is an amazingly effective threat in a School situation. Being a sex slave of the state means you are no longer a part of the heard, and that’s terrifying to my slaves. Profoundly as both are Heard Alphas at their schools prior to their driving problems.

New Paragraph at: Nor can an employee monopolize your time and keep you from doing your job—which means, in practice, that no one is allowed to tie you up or order you to stay in his or her office.

Move paragraph start to after gulp! That one word sentence is in italics since it’s Nikki thinking.

This is my bias in locating the paragraph: and let me go. I may need some advice about how to work with free people on a daily basis." Lily nodded.

"Of course. If you haven't figured it out yet, both Beth and I were once in your exact situation, rented out to the bank as IT techs but really being sex workers on the side. Ms. Williams

New Paragraph at: “I forgot to mention that at night and on weekends you'll stay with both of us in one of Ms. Williams' homes.

I do want to know what the slaves at most companies are doing? Also what kind of conditions are maintained in ‘slave kennels’, and how are slave / slave interactions managed? nicer than the slave kennels of most companies." She should have encountered this at one of her previous positions.

New Paragraph at: I wondered what part of my "equipment" would get the most use—for the past three-plus

Another case of add a ‘u’ from my spell checker at: my hair was still shorter than I usually wore it, and my entire demeanour screamed "submission."

This is a wonderful bit of business, and she should pick up on her demeanor because she’s training to be a shrink. Just a 5 – 10 word reflection on who she’s becoming. This will make this a useful part of her character ach.

My spell/grammar checker wants a semi-colon but I’ll put a period at:I was reasonably conversant with current computer systems. I became a person rather than a

New paragraph at: They quickly put me to work on routine, help-desk functions and never stood on ceremony177A about my slave status.

177A This is a good point and throughout the story you should have more Slave Ceremony – and show it. That will help show her character development and how it comes about.

Here I’d add a word: a few times I sucked a guy off after he had taught me something useful, but that was all with my full cooperation.

That word tells us that Nikki hasn’t been turned off sex by her experiences. Mind I expect any number of slut slaves have had that happen. In CoL the slaves are adjusting to not being straight anymore but by law fully bi-sexual (which is something nerds don’t mind, but members of the heard can’t abide – and the law was written by heard alphas who were after nerds. As I’ve said elsewhere I have no Bag Limit on how stupid a US Legislature can be.)

New Paragraph, and I note that a lot of IT guys are nervous around girls, so she’s an easy step for them to take. This and kill the brackets at:The truth is, under other circumstances, (like if I were wearing clothes, !) some of these guys would have asked me out after work and we might or might not have been intimate.

New Paragraph on second pass and I think this is my first deletion of a word you’ve used and it is: I should add that they most of them were perfect gentlemen—they always asked repeatedly if I really wanted to go down on them, and never forced me to do anything.

Not all IT guys are nerds terrified of screwing up a relationship, but 99% are.

New Paragraph and kill the ‘and’ at: healthy stud crawling naked under my desk and spreading his legs. , and

I'm less visually-oriented than most men. Besides, this executive tasted and smelled clean

Being a clean cock seems very important to you and Nikki.

I do agree that you blew the spelling on: As a minimum, I got a mouthful of cock and a stomach full of jism jissom from the trip. I looked it up and took most of an afternoon to find it.

Looking at this a little more show is in order, but the other issue I’m seeing is how few of these people are in committed marriages. And while my BDSM types are in ‘Domestic Corporations’ of substantial size, they are equally closed – There’s a totally anti-biotic resistant highly virulent lethal syphilis that breaks out of Yuma Co. Col in 2039, most folks are vanilla, and fairly monogamous. Nikki should notice this and be embarrassed when it creates problems, i.e.: when a boss is faithful to his wife and the underling not, or vice versa.

New Paragraph at: She told me that she had been the bank's resident slut for almost three years, at a time

I love this: Fortunately for me, the recent enslavement of ex-Judge Roy Bean for his sexual abuse of slaves and free females alike had made government officials more cautious.

I note you’re using a famos character from history. One of my alpha reader’s heroes a Katharine Carson, bewails the idiocy of parents who fail to Google the names of their children, giving them Tommy Atkins and John Clayton Graystock

New Paragraph at: In either role, it took most women more time to get off, and dildos don't lose their

This is also a good line to be kept: I was resigned to the actual sex, and sometimes enjoyed it—I thought of how horrified my parents would be by that statement.

I have two individuals in CoL who require parental consent to do what they must so a dominatrix visits and enslaves for the evening – or weekend, the individual in the presence of their parents. This is a very very bad night in their lives.

It is awesomely uncomfortable for all concerned, but the Judge wisely in my view insists.

One of the redacted stories has come out to his parents, at least partly, but they are not Americans.

This part of the story you are writing a bible for those who will follow you, needful, but do show more. I do think you should add a Him or at: collared, and restrained, then led through a gauntlet of people who jeer at and fondle him or her.

One of the things that my new slaves endure is taking 40 mg of Cealis and a like amount of Rogane (I believe it can be taken internally – it boosts hair growth all over and my Doms know how much stubble itches, and itch is profound agony.)

My spell checker disagrees at: rights or defences. ) And kill the bracket.

This is the first time in a long time you’ve mentioned how long things are. I think it should be more common, but: Three and one-half months ago, (it seemed like three and a half decades)

I had a feeling it was Austin, but it is only here that I see you mention her home town at: suffer this when I self-indentured in Austin

New Paragraph at: Now, I had to make a round-trip rather than one-way walk of shame at the Dallas office

I’ve stolen mister shively for my slave ranch. My function there was as a tip for prompt service on the part of a tall young guy named Shively.

New Paragraph at: The actual act wasn't bad—Master Shively was personally clean, and always closed the

In another story you talk about “slavegasim’ and I have one of my male slaves ejaculate as he walks out of the slave office in Dallas on his way to the Big D market as a sandy foot boy. the experience still brought back horrible memories of the day of my enslavement.

Again I’d like to know where you go to Pearson Pussy Ranch: and Cindy, a svelte blonde who had just graduated from the Pearson Pussy Ranch, where all of Ms. Williams' sluts (except me) attended for two months to learn how to be sex servants.

New Paragarph at: Each of us began the party wearing a frilly apron that barely covered our nipples and cunt

Just another new paragraph here: Fairly soon, we lost even the aprons and ended up with the guests exploring us in the various bedrooms.

This is a point where you drop the fourth wall and the writer talks directly to the audience so it’s time to put in a blank line shown as a: # in traditional manuscripts. I’d also add a he at:

Master Paul, he said hello to me and asked how I was doing.

#

This story is about my learning what it means to be a slave, but there is one lesson about myself that I have not yet written down, probably because until that moment at the party I did not consciously recognize it:

That is shown in an MS with a hash tag in the middle of the line.

Two new new paragraph at: That's all before he rented me to the XYZ Bank as an all-purpose slut. And

He was free to see me nude and demand any kind of sexual service at any time, whether I wanted it or not. You also get to kill the and.

This is the drip drip drip and about time: I suspected that he knew my real story even though I'd never met him before he bought me. It is also a new paragraph.

New Paragraph at: Finally, if you'll permit me to be really crude, he was hung like a horse, or at least a large

This is one thing I’m struggling with in my stories, what amounts to Venella sex, but that happens and is critical to keeping a BDSM relationship stable and ongoing.

Master Paul then led me to a vacant bedroom where, for the next three hours, he played me like a fine violin, ensuring that both of us had a great time without, for a change, any restraints or paddles.

New Paragraph at: I knew it was ridiculous for me to read anything into his behavior, but I was starry-eyed and distracted for days afterwards.

Here telling really hurts the story. You need to show this scene, and Mr. Shively needs to pick up that she’s orgasimed. I’m not sure what his reaction should be – did she do so without permission (is that important to him) or is he thrilled she did? His reaction drives the scene, and her playfulness is a big thing.

the following Monday, I pretended I was serving Master Paul. In Shively's office, I climaxed without any manual stimulation at the same time that the government official came in my mouth

New Paragraph at: At the time, I wondered whether John Norman was right about women being naturally

New Paragraph, and I’ve added a few words so the reader who hasn’t see Allan Blake in ages recognizes him and where he was in the story: He had pawed me repeatedly when I was naked and bound while undergoing my initial slave grading all those years ago.

Nikki’s taking to herself again at: How did a smart woman like Ms. Williams hire a no-talent semi-cretin like him? So it is in italics.

This is the point where you start Allan Blake’s story. It is a difficult write, since he’s a narcissist, and as you say a cretin. It’ll take some telling to get him to the point where he’s worth knowing as a person. In my run over him he says bad things to someone and gets a second conviction for bad advice, conspiracy to defraud the government, a second brand and an additional several years of indenture.

Based on Circle Star Slave he got 8 years first go. But the lady there made investments with the imbesseled money, he spent it on himself.

Yes, one of the classes of people one of my bordello keepers particularly buys are ex-football players, ex-missionaries, and other socially dominant groups in high school.

New Paragraph at: As soon as I reached the president's office, I poured out my tale to Beth, who told me to hide in Ms. Williams' empty inner office with the door closed, while she did her best gate-keeper act telling Blake

New Paragraph at: After he was gone, I explained myself more rationally, first to Beth and then to Lily. I

I’d move the paragraph in: explained myself more rationally, first to Beth and then to Lily. I finished with a plea that they protect me from Allen. Lily reassured me:. "We've already got our eye on him for reasons unrelated to you. That's why you haven't encountered him before—Ms. Williams sent him on a business trip to get him out of here. For

New Paragrph at: “You go back to your work and leave it to us. If you're right, he'll find some bogus reason

New Paragraph at: Dreading the encounter, I first darted into Lily's office and told her what was up. She

New Paraagraph at: “Having no choice, I tried to give him my four-minute special, to get the "job" over with

No new sentence at: both of my breasts, hard.

This sentence can use an exclamation point: "Get off her, Blake!"

Yes, where as in my stories they can and do, but are limited in the charges they can testify about. Haven’t thought out which ones – but Misdemeanour sexual assault is very much the main event here. You write: Because slave evidence wasn't usually admissible against free people, I didn't even have to give a statement

You write: usually admissible against free people, I didn't even have to give a statement199, and in any case it was all on video200. I thanked both of my protectors but worried that Lily would get in trouble for tasering a guy whose only crime, if any, was abusing livestock—that is, me.

In truth she hasn’t much if anything to ‘testify’ about, but abusing her is why Allan Blake is fired.

New Paragraph at: I thanked both of my protectors but worried that Lily would get in trouble for tasering a

New Paragraph at: “When I told Ms. Williams about your past encounters with him, she spent this afternoon

You write: We have enough video and computer activity to put him away for felony embezzlement, and you know what that means, right?" <snip> "Ha! More than that." Replied Lily. "It means he'll get criminal slavery for ten to twenty years."

This is where I suggest you pick up Allan Blake’s story. It will be a very difficult write for you, as Sally Porter’s story is for me (she’s a high school alpha, I’m not part of the heard). Still I believe it will be a powerful story and well worth your effort to write it.

I suggest he be graded Choice Beef cake and the Bank asks that he be traded through Circle D as a sandy foot boi.

You do write well. I've noticed that good writing goes a long way toward helping me get into a story.

Too many stories seem to have endless typos and poor grammar.

Out of the whole "John_doe"-Universe (which is in fact the Katie-Smith-Universe yours is my favorite writing.

Your description of people, some decent some abusive, some smart, some dumb, gets me far more into the story then usual.

And I feel a nice plottwist coming that would fill a huge plothole. So I'm still game and look out for the next part.

Thanks! 5*