Let Myself Believe

"Bye, Rianna, bye, real nice meeting you," Andrew said and opened the door of the trailer.

"By Mither Dwew," Rianna called out.

Freddie's Mercedes-Benz was not parked in the parking lot of the motel. Andrew assumed that Freddie and Ryan had gone to another pot shop to stock up on marijuana products before their return to Broken Field, Kansas. He went into the diner and flipped a coffee cup over. As bad as the motel coffee might be, it was much better than Victoria's attempt at coffee.

After the breakfast, Andrew stepped outside. There still was no sign of Freddie's car. Andrew walked up to his room, took a quick shower, pulled on his last set of clean clothes and packed his duffel bag. He made sure he had his phone charger and gave one last look around to make sure he'd left nothing behind.

"Hey, your buddies, huh?" the manager snarled when Andrew returned the key card to the counter.

"What about them?" Andrew asked.

"Some van comes up and next thing I know? They skipped out of here owing for the three days you guys been here," the manager said.

"And? That's on them," Andrew said. "You got their credit cards, right?"

"Uh huh; Master Card Says it's been cancelled," the manager said.

"I'm paying for my room. My room. Not my room and their rooms," Andrew stated firmly. "Need get a hole of them."

After paying the charge and verifying that there were no extra charges applied, Andrew stepped outside. He fished his cell phone out and searched his contacts for Freddie's phone number.

That call went directly to Freddie's voice mail. Andrew then tried Ryan's phone number. Again, the call went to Ryan's voice mail. Gritting his teeth, Andrew tried Dianne's phone number.

"What?" Dianne screamed.

"Jesus, what you screaming at me for?" Andrew yelled in reply. "Know where Ryan is?"

"What? What? You really asking me what I'm screaming at you for?" Dianne screamed. "I thought, I thought we was friends and you let my husband, you know what? I can see why Candy dumped your loser ass, fucker. And don't be calling me no more, hear?"

Andrew swiped his thumb over the screen of his phone and looked up the nearest Greyhound station. He located the Greyhound station and saw that it was only nine blocks from the motel. With a heavy sigh, Andrew started to trudge the nine blocks to the bus terminal.

His cell phone jangled and Andrew pulled the noisy contraption from his jeans pocket. He did not recognize the phone number and almost sent it to voice mail. At the last second, he decided to answer the incoming call.

"This is Andrew," he intoned, nodding as he now saw the familiar sign for the Greyhound bus terminal.

"That was, that's way too much money," a soft voice said.

"What?" Andrew asked.

"You gave me too much money," Victoria said, voice small.

"I didn't think so," Andrew shrugged.

"I mean, shit, I told you, I ain't no whore," Victoria protested.

Andrew did some mental math in his head. It had been almost two hours since he'd left Victoria's trailer. He wondered if it had taken her this long to finally get around to looking at the few dollars he'd left on her kitchen table.

"Hey, Victoria, you can use the money?" Andrew asked.

"Well, yeah, I mean, but still..." Victoria said.

"So use the money," Andrew said.

"Thanks. I uh, I had fun," Victoria whispered. "I mean, what you and me done? I had fun."

"Me too," Andrew smiled and nodded his thanks as an older gentleman held the door open for Andrew.

"Bye," Victoria said quickly and ended the call.

"Bye," Andrew agreed, looking around the small but clean station.

He wondered how Victoria had managed to get his phone number. Obviously, she'd gone through his pockets while he'd slept. Quickly, Andrew checked his pockets, then remembered, he'd been wearing another pair of jeans last night. A mental inventory did not show anything missing. With a shrug, Andrew saved Victoria's phone number and stuck the device into his pocket again.

"You. You Randy?" the older gentleman asked, regarding Andrew with a squinted glare.

"Andrew," Andrew said, shaking his head in denial.

"Piss ant son of a bitch," the man snarled. "Supposed be here at eleven."

"Sorry," Andrew said and ambled to the ticket counter.

"You. You looking for work?" the man asked.

Andrew stopped and looked at the man. The man's clothes were worn, faded, but clean. His boots looked like they'd never held a polish, ever. The man's skin was reddened, obviously this man spent a great deal of time outdoors.

"What I got waiting for me?" Andrew asked himself, then answered. "Not a damned thing."

"Doing what, sir?" Andrew asked the older man.

"Know how a horse ride?" the man asked. "I mean, we got a couple ATVs, but..."

"Some," Andrew agreed.

Years earlier, William had gotten it into his head that he wanted to be a cowboy. So Big Bill and Minnie Carter had signed the five of them up for a two week dude ranch/cattle drive.

William had hated it; he was actually afraid of his horse. Andrew had loved it, though. And in a rare show of agreement with Andrew, Natalie had declared she too loved the experience. For once, William did not get his way. Big Bill and Minnie had dictated that they'd not be ending this vacation short simply because William wasn't enjoying himself.

"Alright, need someone can work, need get my cows down," the man said.

Randy did show up, over an hour late. He still reeked of the excesses of the previous evening, and Mr. Cleeson informed Randy his services would not be required.

Even though Carl Cleeson's Silverado was only three years old, the odometer showed one hundred and nine thousand miles had been logged. Andrew dropped his duffle bag into the bed of the truck and stretched out in the passenger seat.

Andrew loved the mind numbing endless hours of hard work. There was very little thinking required as he and Carl and four other men labored to herd Carl's livestock. Every Friday, Carl paid his men in cash. Three of his men looked terrible on Saturday. On Sunday, they had the choice of going to the local Baptist Church, or sleeping late.

Even though he was Catholic, Andrew went to the church with Carl and Sam, Carl's wife. The third payday, Andrew noticed that his wallet was too fat to fold. But he also didn't feel safe just leaving the money lying around. David, one of the hands had a sneaky look to him. And Tom, another hand always seemed to be broke when Monday came around.

So, he got an envelope and some stamps from Sam and mailed the bulk of the money to Victoria's trailer. That Sunday, when Andrew went with Carl and Sam to church, his cell phone gave a buzz, alerting Andrew that there was a message. Apparently, they were close enough to a cell tower for Andrew to receive his messages.

"What is this? What did you do?" Victoria's voice asked. "No, Rianna, I'm not talking to Mister Andrew; this is his voice mail."

"Mither Dwew, you coming see me?" Rianna demanded.

After Reverend Paul Dashon finally finished what had seemed to be an overly long service, Andrew walked to stand near the Cleeson truck. He called Victoria's number.

"Andrew, what is this? Why'd you send me this money?" Victoria demanded.

"Hey, I'm getting three hots and a cot," Andrew said, smiling and nodding to some church goers that sauntered past him.

"And? No, Rianna, you wait your turn," Victoria demanded. "Rianna, I need to talk to him first. Okay?"

"Like I said, I'm getting three meals a day, got a bed to sleep in, got a shower when I need it," Andrew said. "I don't need the money, but then again, I don't have a little girl take care of."

"I, listen, I mean it, I ain't, damn it I ain't no whore, hear?" Victoria sputtered.

"Never said you was," Andrew said. "Look, use what you need to, hang on to the rest, okay? I'll get it from you when I finish up here, okay?"

"Okay, hang on; Rianna's about to have a fit," Victoria said.

"Mither Dwew, when you coming see me?" Rianna ordered.

"Hmm, don't know Sweetie," Andrew smiled. "I'm working right now. Guess when I get finished up here."

"Okay I love you, you hurry up and come see me, okay?" Rianna ordered.

"Soon as I can," Andrew promised the three year old girl.

"You need anything?" Victoria asked.

"No, like I said, I got three hots and a cot," Andrew said. "Victoria, I got nowhere and nothing to spend that money on. You do. So, use it; use what you need, okay?"

"You crazy," Victoria declared and ended the call.

Seven weeks later, a much harder and leaner Andrew knocked on the door of the trailer. A moment later, Victoria pushed the door open and squealed with delight at the sight of Andrew.

"Hey! How'd you get here? Oh my God!" Victoria laughed happily and hugged Andrew. "Hey! You okay? When, how long you going be here?"

"Mither Dwew!" Rianna squealed, delighted.

Victoria was dressed in a pair of denim cut-offs and a bright blue sports bra, even though the air was chilly. The outfit displayed much of her Lily tattoo and a new navel piercing. Andrew did wonder briefly how much the new piercing had cost him, but shrugged it off.

"You want some coffee?" Victoria excitedly asked him, even as Rianna insisted that Mither Dwew come see her toys.

"No, thanks," Andrew said, remembering her deplorable coffee from the last time he'd been in her trailer.

"I make it better now," Victoria laughed. "That last time? That was half instant."

After lunch, after Victoria proved that her coffee making had improved, Rianna went down for a nap. Victoria pulled Andrew into her quite cluttered bedroom.

"Here, here's most of it; I needed use about three hundred," Victoria said, pulling a grocery bag out of a dresser drawer. "Needed pay last month's and this month's rent. But everything else is there. You can count it, okay?"

"Ria, I trust you," Andrew said, not even looking at the stacks of money in the bag.

"And..." Victoria said, reaching her arms up to pull Andrew down for a passionate kiss.

She began to unbutton his flannel shirt. Her chewed fingernails scratched his chest as she worked.

Their sex was hurried, frenzied. Just as before, Victoria's fingers raked at Andrew's back. She bit him often and managed to bite down on Andrew's forearm hard enough to leave deep teeth marks. They both groaned in orgasm and Victoria had to release her bite hold on Andrew's chest.

"Ria, look, just keep that money, okay?" Andrew said as they lay on her crumpled mound of pillows.

"What'd you call me?" Victoria giggled, tracing his taut abdomen with a ragged fingernail.

"Ria. Ria and Rianna, my two beautiful little blonde girls," Andrew said.

That night, Rianna insisted that it be Mither Dwew that bathed her and read her the story of Rumpelstiltskin. The next day, when Victoria received her card for food assistance, Rianna wanted Mither Dwew to be the one that pushed her in the grocery buggy.

Three days later, Rianna was inconsolable when Andrew left their trailer. Victoria also had some tears as she hugged Andrew before slamming the door of the trailer shut.

"Women," the uber driver commiserated as he drove Andrew to the Greyhound bus station.

Five weeks later, as a fine dusting of snow covered much of the ground, Andrew and two of the four hands wondered where Carl was. It was payday; usually Carl was there, cash in hand.

Stepping into the kitchen of the Cleeson home, Andrew saw Samantha Cleeson's crumpled body on the living room floor of the modest home. He picked up the wall telephone and heard no dial tone; the line had been cut.

Andrew got into the Cleeson's truck and drove toward the small town, checking his cell phone often to see if he had a signal yet. By the time he did get a signal, he was only a few miles from the Sheriff's Office and drove the rest of the way.

Mrs. Cleeson had been strangled to death; Sheriff Olstoy could not tell if she'd been violated before or after her death. Carl had been struck repeatedly with a blunt instrument. There was no sign of that week's payroll. There was also no sign of the two field hands David or Tom.

"Hell of a thing, I tell you. Hell of a thing," Sheriff Olstoy grumbled.

"Uh huh," Andrew agreed, angered at the remaining hands that were whining about not being paid for the week.

As far as anyone knew, Carl had no next of kin. Samantha had an older sister that lived in Sacramento, California. The sister asked that the cattle and the property be sold; she had no need or want of it.

By the time the Cleeson estate had been dealt with, Christmas was only a few days away. Andrew again returned to Merilee Lake. Victoria opened the door of the trailer and squealed happily.

"Mither Dwew, I went and seen Santa? And I told him, you bring me all the toys, and I want Mither Dwew be here for Christmas too," Rianna excitedly informed Andrew.

Victoria was wearing only a long sleeved thermal top; she did not have any panties on underneath the simple garment. Andrew was made aware of this fact as Victoria flopped onto his lap.

"I used some that money you sent me to get Rianna some stuff for Christmas; that okay?" Victoria asked, nuzzling Andrew's left ear.

"Ria, I told you, use that money," Andrew whispered, then kissed her. "But yeah, that's perfect. Little girls need big Christmases."

"You the only one ever going call me that," Victoria sighed, giving his ear a forceful bite.

Then she giggled happily. She waved her hands in excitement, blue eyes shining.

"Oh! Oh, I got show you this," Victoria squealed.

On her bicep, Victoria had a new tattoo. The large red heart had Andrew's name inside and Victoria searched Andrew's eyes for his approval.

Julie had declared her love for Andrew. And then Julie had succumbed to William's glib persuasion. She had even given William the gift of her virginity.

There was Terrie, then Angela, Anna Lynne. Each had declared their love of Andrew. And upon William's insistence, each had tossed Andrew aside. Candy had simply been the latest to declare her love of Andrew, only to meet and fall under William's spell.

None of those girls had ever put his name on their flesh in ink. None of those former loves had marked their skin with his name, put his name on prominent display.

"You like it?" Victoria asked breathlessly.

"Ria, I can't believe, no one's ever, I mean, wow," Andrew stammered.

Victoria quickly pulled the thermal shirt on and crawled onto Andrew's lap again. She kissed him, then bit down, hard, on his bottom lip.

"Love you," she whispered.

"I believe you," Andrew said, rubbing his lip.

Christmas morning, Andrew was surprised, shocked really when Victoria bundled up and bundled Rianna up and the trio walked to the Baptist Church for the Christmas celebration. Victoria clung onto Andrew's arm and smiled prettily at the disapproving glares of the patrons of the church.

"They tell me all this?" Victoria said, pointing to her pierced eyebrow. "Somehow it's a sin. I told them, show it to me. You say it's a sin? Show it to me. They can't. But somehow, I'm sinful. And, oh my God! When they seen my Lily tattoo? About shit themselves."

The new bicycle with training wheels was a big hit; Rianna insisted on trying to ride, even though there was at least three feet of snow covering the gravel paths of the trailer park. Andrew took Rianna and her bicycle to the local park and applauded each movement the child made. When she grew cold enough, Andrew carried bicycle in one arm, girl in the other.

"Who's ready for some hot chocolate?" Victoria happily called out when her girl and her man returned.

"Ew, hot chocolate? Augh, gag me," Andrew teased.

"No, Mither Dwew, we cold. When we cold? We drink hot chocolate," Rianna explained patiently.

Two days after Christmas, Andrew returned to Broken Field, Kansas and retrieved his truck and emptied out his storage unit. He returned to Victoria's trailer, put some of his possessions into her trailer, and found another, smaller storage unit to put the few remaining items into the unit.

"We got a twuck now?" Rianna happily asked.

"Uh huh, but you have to wait until you're sixteen before you can drive it," Andrew told the girl.

"How old I got to be?" Victoria asked.

No one had ever shown Victoria how to drive. Snow packed roads were not an ideal place to teach the twenty year old woman how to drive. After a third near collision, Victoria managed to wrestle the uncooperative vehicle to the side of the road.

"That's it!" she screamed at Andrew. "You! You the driver, hear? Me and Rianna? We the passengers."

When the snows thawed, Andrew again braved showing Victoria how to drive. She managed to get them safely to the grocery store. She managed to get them safely to the local Save-Well department store. Then she managed to get them safely home again. Then Victoria broke down and sobbed out that she had been terrified the entire time.

In late April, a rodeo came to Benhurst County. Rianna was both terrified and thrilled of the pretty horsies. She allowed Andrew to put her into the saddle of a Shetland pony, but insisted that her Dwew had to stay right next to her as the pony's handler led them around the corral.

"Yeah, young lady, I seen a bunch of Daddy's Girls," the handler shrugged when Victoria thanked the man for his patience and understanding wither daughter.

"That it? Huh? You a Daddy's girl?" Victoria teased Rianna. "Huh? Mister Andrew's your daddy now?"

"Uh huh," Rianna said, safe in Andrew's arms.

"Five thousand?" Andrew asked another man, reading an announcement that the rodeo would award five thousand dollars to anyone that could ride Monstro.

The bull was a truly fearsome looking animal, if the picture was to be believed. Andrew and Victoria studied the picture intently.

"Uh huh, got stay on him for at least eight seconds," the man said, not taking his eyes off of Victoria's small breasts in her colorful bikini top.

"Andrew, you're not doing that," Victoria pleaded.

"My daddy can do anything," Rianna announced to the man.

"Honey, money? Getting kind of tight," Andrew confessed to Victoria.

"Andrew, please don't," Victoria begged. "Rianna, shush. Your daddy don't need be doing that."

Reading over the forms, reading that the rodeo accepted no responsibilities should he become injured, Andrew jotted down his signature. The man loudly announced they had a challenger.

"You get yourself killed, don't you come to me thinking I'm going kiss it and make it all better," Victoria snapped at Andrew, jerking her daughter out of his arms. "You hear?"

"I promise, I get killed? I will not come running to you," Andrew laughed.

"It's not funny," Victoria yelled at him.

In the chute, Monstro was already huffing and snorting. When Andrew dropped onto the beasts back and gripped the loop in his left hand, Monstro slammed against the sides of the pen, attempting to shake Andrew from his back.

"Remember, you come off him? Run to the nearest wall; we'll pull you out of there," a man yelled into Andrew's ear.

"I hate you," Victoria claimed, tears running down her small face. "You hear me?"

When the chute opened, Andrew had never experienced such terror in his life. Monstro had one goal and one goal only; to kill Andrew Michael Carter. The beast leapt, twisted, bucked and leapt again. Andrew wondered how he was supposed to run for the wall when every bone in his body was being broken by every movement of this animal.

The crowd's roar drowned out the sound of the buzzer. Andrew had no idea his eight seconds had elapsed; he could not see the time clock, and he could not hear anything but the beasts fearsome snorts and bellows and the blood roaring in his ears.

Finally, the animal twisted and Andrew was able to see a wall nearby. He figured, he'd never get a better opportunity so released the loop and pushed himself from the animals back. Monstro had decided he would slam himself against the wall, so his momentum and Andrew's momentum carried Andrew within grabbing distance of the wall.