Let Myself Believe

"Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! Brother, you done it!" the young man screamed, pounding Andrew on his back. "Eleven point four seconds, you hear?"

Andrew! Andrew, you okay?" Victoria screamed, carrying Rianna and running up to where Andrew sprawled on the dirt floor.

"I did it?" Andrew asked, getting to very weak legs.

"Yes, ass hole," Victoria screamed, punching him in his belly as hard as she could. "You God damned ass hole! You could got yourself killed!"

"My daddy can do anything," Rianna claimed.

"Brother, we got another bull called El Diablo; think you could give him a try?" another man excitedly asked Andrew.

"He's not doing anything like that ever again," Victoria screamed at the man.

"Here you go, Brother, five thousand dollars," an older man said, holding out a check.

"Here, Ria," Andrew said, handing the check to Victoria. "You take this and get yourself a wedding dress, hear?"

"A what?" Victoria gasped in shock.

"Seriously, this El Diablo? Another five thousand bucks," the younger man pressed.

"My husband's not doing anything like that again," Victoria screamed, stuffing the check into the cup of her bikini top.

"You," a Latin man sneered at Andrew. "Eleven point four? Not bad, no, not bad. But I tell you. This El Diablo? I ride him and I stay on longer than you can. Ten thousand dollars. Unless you are the chicken? Hmm? Maybe you wife, she wear the pants? Hmm?"

"George, you couldn't stay on Monstro, what the fuck makes you think you could ride El Diablo?" the older man sneered at the brash Latin man. "Carter? Go ahead; I'll back that ten thousand."

"Andrew, sweetheart, please, please don't. Oh my God, I thought I was going die watching you do that," Victoria begged.

"When?" Andrew asked George.

"I hate you!" Victoria screamed at Andrew and marched away, carrying a fussing Rianna.

El Diablo lived up to his name; the beast was truly a devil with horns and four dangerous hooves. George and Andrew agreed on a coin toss to decide who would go first. With a sneer, George accepted his win of the coin toss and swaggered to where El Diablo bellowed, huffed and snorted.

Three seconds into the thrashing and bucking and bounding, George disqualified himself by grabbing the loop with both hands. That maneuver did not help him; El Diablo managed to shake George just as six second had elapsed from the time clock.

"I mean it," Victoria screamed at Andrew. "That animal kills you? Good, you hear? Good!"

She turned her face away when Andrew attempted to kiss her. She refused to let Andrew hug Rianna.

Even inside of the chute, El Diablo tried to dislodge Andrew. Andrew was sure his balls had ruptured from the vicious bucking the animal was attempting to do.

Then the chute opened. Andrew screamed in terror as the animal spun, bucked, leapt, twisted and thrashed violently. Andrew could not see anything; the animal was moving too quickly for him to focus on anything.

"Ah, mother fucker!" Andrew screamed in terror and pain when El Diablo slammed him against a wall.

"Wall! Wall, get off, wall!" Andrew's feverish mind screamed.

"Nine point two!" the young man screamed and laughed as he hefted Andrew up and over.

"Jesus, I ain't doing that shit again," Andrew gasped and sprawled on the dirt floor. "I don't care how much money y'all paying, hear?"

"Get up!" Victoria screamed and Andrew, kicking him with her flip flop. "Get up so I can kick your ass!"

"The bull, he was tired; I got him tired," George was trying to claim to the older man.

"George, would have had actually ride him to tire him out," the older man guffawed.

"I demand a rematch," George thundered.

"Tell you what, George, that bull ought to be good and tired by now," the older man said. "Go ahead. Try and ride him again."

"And if I do?" George said.

"Then we'll be squared up," the man shrugged.

"Hang on. I rode that fucking animal, got my balls kicked in, and you going say we're squared up?" Andrew protested.

"Buddy, I meant what I said," the man said, pulling out his check book. "Now? This is between George and me."

Victoria took the second check and stuffed it into her bikini top with the first check. She glared in raw anger at Andrew, and gripped his hand in a tight squeeze as she marched the trio toward the exit.

"Hang on, I want to see if that ass hole can actually ride that beast," Andrew protested.

"Then see if he'll give you a ride home, ass hole!" Victoria snarled. "I told you don't do it. I told you. Did you listen? No, you did not."

"Hey buddy, man! That was some great riding," a young man praised.

"Shut up!" Victoria screamed at the fan.

Andrew did not point out to Victoria that he had driven them to the rodeo and he had the only keys for the truck in his pocket. He turned as the PA system hissed and crackled out the announcement that George Garcia was attempting to break Drew Michael Carter's nine point two record. The blast of the horn signified the opening of the chute and the crowd roared out.

"Oh, that's a tough break, George," the PA system announced a few seconds later.

"Wipe that smile off your face before I do," Victoria demanded, again pulling Andrew to the exit.

The Baptist minister looked like he'd stepped in something as he met with Victoria Michelle Hansen and Andrew Michael Carter. His wife had worn the same pinched, pained expression on her face when she'd escorted the couple into her husband's office.

"Sweetheart, I know you're Baptist," Andrew interrupted Reverend Hill's stammering and throat clearing.

"No, not really," Victoria said, shaking her head. "Just that they right down the street."

"But obviously, this uptight, self-righteous, sanctimonious cocksucker has never read his own Bible," Andrew continued, standing. "Obviously, he skipped right past the fact that Christ died for ALL, not just the ones this jackass approves of. No, Reverend Hill, we will not be getting married in your church. See, I want to be married by a Christian, not whatever the fuck you are."

"Now see here, young man," the Reverend sputtered, truly outraged.

"No, there is nothing for me to see here," Andrew said, holding the door open for Victoria. "Your actions have shown us exactly what kind of man you are."

The reverend's wife did gawk at the impertinent couple; she'd heard the last declaration of Andrew's. She did not say anything as Andrew escorted Victoria out of the church's office.

"I love you so much," Victoria giggled, pulling Andrew down for a kiss.

"And I love you too," Andrew said. "Let's go to St. Pius; maybe they'll let us get married there."

"Saint... That's Catholic, right?" Victoria asked.

"Uh huh, guess what? I'm Catholic," Andrew said.

"You are? No you're not, are you really?" Victoria asked, surprised.

Father Gregory vaguely remembered Andrew Michael Carter; he'd served as priest at St. Thomas Aquinas in Bender, Louisiana when Andrew had made his First Communion. He shook his head sadly; the couple wanted a quick wedding and he would not officiate a quick wedding between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. The couple would be required to undergo counseling in the traditions of a Catholic marriage before Father Gregory would agree to their union.

"But one thing I've always wanted to know," the man smiled at Victoria. "Those nose rings? What happens when you sneeze?"

"Same thing when you sneeze," she smiled. "You wipe your nose. You sure you won't marry us? I like you."

"High praise indeed," Father Gregory laughed a genuine laugh. "But no, young lady, I'm sorry. We do have rules regarding the sacrament of marriage."

"We going to his church," Victoria decided as they left the priest's small, cluttered office. "I like him."

The Reverend Upjohn of the Church Of Golgotha agreed to marry the couple. He smiled at Victoria's whoop of delight and nodded his head as Andrew thanked him.

"The fact that the two of you have asked that your marriage take place in a house of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, rather than just go on down to the courthouse? Tells me you two are Christians, tells me you want Christ to be a part of your union. Well then, it would be the Christian thing to do, to agree to marry the two of you.," the man solemnly declared.

"You can just go to the courthouse?" Victoria asked.

"We could," Andrew said. "But I agree with the Reverend Upjohn. Our marriage needs to have God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit there too."

"By the way," Reverend Upjohn said after Victoria and Andrew had filled out the paperwork and given him his fee. "At the rodeo? That was mighty impressive riding."

"Yeah? Well you better pray he never does that again," Victoria snapped.

"So noted," the man smiled even as sparks glittered in Victoria's pretty blue eyes.

Even with fifteen thousand dollars to spend on a fancy wedding dress and an elaborate wedding, Victoria went with a simple, elegant pale pink dress. As she told Andrew, she could wear it after their wedding; no one would ever look at it and think it was a wedding dress.

"Of course? Can't tell you the last time I wore a dress for anything," Victoria laughed.

"You know, Ria? I think you got the most beautiful laugh in the world," Andrew said, hugging her tight.

"Aw," Victoria said, squeezing him tight. "Quit that binging and purging when I was like fourteen? When you say stupid shit like that? Makes me want to purge all over again."

"It's not stupid shit, you little brat," Andrew smiled as she laughed. "It's the God's honest truth, Ria."

"Oh, then, aw! Blah!" Victoria said, then pantomimed vomiting.

"Okay, why you got be like that?" Andrew asked.

"Honestly?" Victoria asked, losing her smile.

"Yes Ria, honestly," Andrew said.

"Because, I'm afraid something's going happen fuck this all up," Victoria admitted. "I'm so afraid, I give in and let myself really start believing this shit? It's just all going to blow up in my face and once again, there I am, the world's biggest God damned loser."

"You can't be the world's biggest God damned loser," Andrew said, lifting her off of her feet and kissing her. "Because I already am."

"I love you," Victoria whispered into his neck.

Their wedding was sparsely attended; Victoria's mother and second step-father sent a crock pot as a wedding present, but did not bother to attend. Ms. Francine, the woman that baby sat Rianna and her three children and Bobby, Ms. Francine's latest boyfriend were the only guests on Victoria's side of the aisle. There was no one on Andrew's side of the aisle.

The reception was held in the back room of Boardwalker's; Andrew finally got to try their trout and home fries. The band that had played at Centennial Walk had long ago ceased playing, so a local DJ supplied the music. And, since there were as many children as adults in attendance, he played several children's tunes. The wedding photographer got many photos of the children hopping around the small room.

Andrew thought it was a colossal waste of time; Victoria was not twenty one and would not be able to go into many of the casinos or night clubs, but Victoria had it in her mind that she wanted to go to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. With a shrug and a 'yes dear' Andrew paid for air fare and hotel reservations.

Rianna was furious when she discovered she wasn't going to Las Vegas and vowed never to talk to her mother or her Daddy ever again in forever. Forever lasted until Rianna was hungry and wanted a snack.

Their first day in Las Vegas, Victoria saw a tattoo parlor and pulled Andrew into the small, clean suite.

"Yes ma'am?" an attractive female tattoo artist smiled.

Andrew and Victoria left the tattoo shop, the third finger of their left hands now encircled by a wide yellow band bordered by black lines. Andrew's tattooed wedding band had 'Ria' in cursive script and Victoria's band had 'Andrew' in cursive script. Of course, neither tattoo was visible yet; both were covered by a pristine white strip of tape and a gauze bandage.

"See? See?" Victoria shrilled excitedly. "That? That's forever! Oh Andrew. We going be married forever."

Their fifth day, the day before they were scheduled to fly out, Andrew saw an older man staring at them. Instinctively, he moved himself between Victoria and the older man. The man smiled widely and walked toward them.

"Drew Michael Carter, I thought that was you," the man said. "Rodeo? Uh, in Benjamin, no, no, Benhurst, Colorado."

"Oh, yeah," Andrew said, now recognizing the man that had paid him for the two bull rides. "Uh, it's Andrew, not Drew."

"So, you in town for this one?" the man asked.

"No; on my honeymoon," Andrew said, indicating Victoria.

"Oh! Well, hell! Congratulations," the man said. "Know, they got a bull? Called the Nevada Nightmare. Twenty five thousand anyone can ride him."

"Twenty five..." Andrew said.

"You are not doing it; I don't care if it's a million, Andrew, I mean it," Victoria strenuously objected.

"Sweetheart, what did Mrs. Jackson tell you? No more assistance, right?" Andrew wheedled.

Mrs. Amelia Jackson, the state employee had informed Victoria, now that Victoria was married, she would not be receiving her food card, or her housing stipend, her free medical for herself and her daughter.

"In other words, the system don't like married people," Andrew had commented to the stone faced government employee. "Unmarried? And knocked up? You good to go. But get married? Well, screw you and don't let the door hit you on your way out."

"Andrew, I don't care; we'll sleep in the truck if we have to," Victoria pleaded with Andrew.

"When's the tournament?" Andrew asked the older man.

"I hate you! You hear me? I hate you!" Victoria screamed at her husband, slapping at his chest and arms.

Very few people looked over to see what the commotion was. There were clangs and chimes and dings sounding out merrily. And women screaming at a man that had lost their entire savings was not an unusual occurrence in the lobby of a casino and hotel.

"Tonight at the arena," the man said, pointing in the general direction of the location of the rodeo. "Seven o'clock."

Monstro and El Diablo would have moved aside to allow Nevada Nightmare the right of way. According to the man that took Andrew's signed form of consent and the gate fee, Nevada Nightmare had rolled on the last rider, crushing the poor man's pelvis. To date, twelve men had tried, but none managed to stay on for longer than five seconds.

"Seen one? Just got out the gate and old Nevada threw him clear over his head. I mean, bam! One second flat," the man chortled at the memory.

"Twelve? As in, you're going be number thirteen?" Victoria stated to Andrew. "You still stupid enough do this? Number thirteen?"

"You don't believe in all that?" Andrew asked as they ambled toward the area.

"Andrew, please, sweetheart, please don't do this," Victoria again begged. "Sweetheart, we don't need the money that bad."

"We don't need it today. But what about tomorrow? Rianna's needing go to the dentist," Andrew reminded her. "And believe me, dental bills? Ain't cheap when you the one paying them."

"Oh ho, Gringo, you going try again?" George Garcia sneered when he saw Andrew.

"Nope," Andrew smiled, shaking his head.

"Oh? You agree you are not man enough for the Nevada Nightmare?" George mocked.

"No, I said I'm not going try," Andrew said, preparing to drop onto the beast's back. "I'm going to do it."

The PA system announced a challenger for the Nevada Nightmare. The crowd roared and cheered for the bull, jeering the foolish hopeful.

Andrew's life flashed before his eyes. He had not had a good, happy, fulfilling life. His last conscious thought however, was of a beautiful young woman that said she loved him and a wonderful little three, almost four year old girl that called him 'Daddy.' Andrew dismounted and raced for the wall.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's been done," the announcer declared. "The Nightmare of Nevada is over; the nightmare has been broken. Andrew Michael Carter!"

A split second later, Andrew would have been over the wall and the Nevada Nightmare would have slammed noisily but ineffectively against the wall. A few inches to the left or to the right, the Nevada Nightmare would have slammed, noisily but ineffectively into the wall.

The Nevada Nightmare's left horn caught Andrew precisely on his left ankle bone. Andrew felt the hands of the men on his shirt, then a searing, mind numbing pain in his ankle. He felt his shirt rip as he tumbled backward into the ring, with an enraged bull just a few yards away from him.

"Andrew!" Victoria screamed and tried to scramble up the wall.

She lashed out viciously at the three men that grabbed her and pulled her back down to the dirt floor.

The crowd was on its feet, screaming as Andrew lay, unconscious on the ground. Two riders managed to lasso the head of the ferocious beast, but Nevada Nightmare lunged, pulling the two riders and their horses. One rodeo clown bravely ran between Nevada Nightmare and the prone body of Andrew.

"You ever, I mean you ever do that again, I will kill you," Victoria sobbed as they pushed Andrew into the ambulance.

"Aw, God damn, really? They had cut my boot off?" Andrew complained as he looked at the cast on his left foot.

"Lucky they didn't have cut your foot off," Victoria grumbled, sitting next to his hospital bed. "They was worried they might not be able save it."

"You know how hard it is get a pair of boots broke in like those?" Andrew complained.

"Know how hard it is get someone loves you?" Victoria said, wiping at her eyes.

"Yeah," Andrew quietly agreed. "Yeah I do."

"Your wife tried get in the arena; lucky for Nevada Nightmare, they stopped her," the older man said, coming into the room.

"You!" Victoria hissed, raw hatred bubbling up.

"Hey, hey, I'm here take care of your man's bills," the older man hastened to calm Victoria.

"And we wouldn't even be here you'd kept your mouth shut," Victoria screamed, small fists balled up.

"Ma'am! This is a hospital!" an extremely obese nurse snarled.

Andrew did not like medication, had never liked taking medication. But he was very grateful for the pain medication, grateful for the muscle relaxers. With them, he was able to withstand the flight from Las Vegas to Colorado. With them, he was able to withstand Victoria's driving from airport to home.

Rianna, with Victoria's help managed to sign Andrew's cast. With a scowl, Victoria added her own 'Ria' right underneath Rianna's scrawled signature.

"And don't think you getting out of eating pussy," Victoria whispered in Andrew's ear.

"Ride my face like a bull rider?" Andrew suggested, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"And that's the only kind of bull riding we doing from now on," Victoria agreed. "Andrew, seriously, what would have happened? TO us? If you'd gotten yourself killed? Rianna and me? What would have happened to us?"

She began to cry new tears. She leaned heavily against him.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. I let myself believe? Let myself believe all this shit, believe it's going be okay?" Victoria sobbed out. "And it's just going blow up right in my face. And then what happens, huh? I'm just this big God damned loser all over again."

A few days after their return from Las Vegas, Victoria and Rianna were sitting at the kitchen table, coloring in Rianna's new coloring book. Rianna had made up a story about the pony she was messily filling in. Victoria encouraged her daughter's imagination, pressing for more details.

"And, then? After you save all the butterflies?" Victoria asked, then jerked as there was a sharp rap at the front door.

"We all flew back home and Daddy and you was happy see us," Rianna explained.

Victoria made sure the door was securely locked before yelling out, "Who is it? Who's there?"