Letter from Bangor

Dear Shoeblossom,

I am a Maine heiress, and I am also a submissive to a wonderful man who I hope will be my husband one day. I butt-dialed, or butt-recorded this conversation with Blade on my phone about eight months ago... Hope you like it!

Averill Von Auken

"You really were so hard on Kermie, Blade."

"He moves in with us, your son, Averill. He agreed to the rules. He's twenty years old, never had hand laid on him, and look what you and your first husband produced."

"You just--why did you tell Kermie he has to shave off all his body hair? He is really distressed about this."

"Because he isn't entitled to be a man until he starts acting like one. I am going to buy him some pink polo shirts and throw out all his ridiculous leather jackets and black clothes."

"All of them?"

"Yes, and he's going to get rid of the Mohawk, and grow his hair out and I'm going to put it in curlers."

"That's very--"

"It's what he needs, Averill. We walked in on him last week and Kermie was keeled over on the toilet with a needle in his arm."

"Perhaps Kermie is a little spoiled."

"You are both a little spoiled. A LOT spoiled. I took the belt to Kermie, and I often must do the same to you, Avie..."

"Yes, but sometimes unjustly, Blade."

"When? The other night when we had the nice neighbor lady over, and she and I were enjoying stimulating her vagina, and I just asked you to stimulate her asshole with your tongue."

"But Blade, I didn't feel like I was a part of it all. I mean, you two were touching each other, and all I seemed to be doing was bringing Judy pleasure, and you gave each other a nice orgasm and then you ordered me to clean you both off and then go to bed."

"That's right, after you'd brought us drinks."

"B-but that's so unfair."

"You sound like a spoiled adolescent, Averill. That's why after you embarrassed me in front of Judy, I took the strap to you, and had her give you few licks."

"That was so embarrassing."

"Yes, it was humiliating for you, especially since we have hired Judy to do part-time housework for us. But she knew that giving an ofay bitch, as she called you a good spanking was therapeutic."

"It has nothing to do with her being African-American or white privilege nonsense, Blade. You're white too."

"That's right, but I am economically underprivileged, and, oh it doesn't matter. If you ever question my orders again, I will cover your pretty breasts with mousetraps and clothespins and let your jealous sister Audrey come over here and knock them off."

"Oh God..."

"Well, she loved doing it the last time, Avie. I'm glad she got to see the little subbie bitch you really are."

"But Audrey's a bitch, too. We were always rivals, you know. I was the brain and she was the cheerleader. Now I've kind of lost my Mensa dignity to her."

"That's right. Because you are a pretentious therapy-head. And your son is, too. But Kermie CRAVES discipline."

"Really?"

"I told him that if he liked, I'd let him live over the garage and do whatever he wanted, but if he was going to be in the house, he'd have to follow rules and accept punishments."

"Really? He didn't go for that? He has a big enough allowance to feed himself."

"Of course, and he's a better cook than you are. There's a full kitchen up there. But he said he'd be happy to stay in the house and do whatever I wanted."

"That's amazing. And you did help Landover, Jr. to give up his suicidal thoughts and go re-enter college as well."

"Yes, that was not hard. He's twenty-three years old, his father's a loser--"

"You shouldn't say things like that about my ex-husband. Lanny is--"

"A loser. A rich loser, but that's about it. I sent Landover Jr. back to the school at Orono, I know a state school's kind of a comedown but... he's doing better , and he's rooming with my sister's kid."

"Yes, Landover has always had a crush on Gabriella. I wonder--"

"Wonder what? Gabby beat Landover's ass the first week he was living with her, when he asked if there was a "Chore wheel" as if she would have to do anything."

"That's not very fair, Blade."

"No, but after she tied his balls to a bag of encyclopedias and made him dance with them swinging --"

"Oh God."

"Yes, while she and her boyfriend took swats at Landover's butt, he decided to get quiet and scrub those damn baseboards."

"It may not be in his taste, though, Blade. I mean, I'm kinky, and you're kinky--"

"Kinky nothing. Gabby put him in a chastity belt and beats his ass if he doesn't lose three pounds a week. He's in the prime of health now, your oldest son."

"Really, yes..."

"Of course, and when she lets him beat his meat, Gabby flashes her cleavage at him, the bra and all, and she may let him suck her tits if he reaches his goal weight."

"Oh my. He did write me that he's off the methadone, and the pot and the Valium."

"Yes, he turns all his grandparent's stock dividends over to Gabby, and she gives him about six bucks a day to spend on lunch at school, and she beats his ass again if he doesn't show her a receipt."

"Y-you do that with me, too. And it's MY money, Blade."

"You met me at the South Portland Ego Clamp Club, where you were in a kneeling stock thing, and you want me to treat you like a damned EQUAL?"

"No, I-I suppose not. And Daddy gave me a compliment about not over-spending. He says it's the first time I've not had to ask for an advance in nearly eleven years."

"I wonder what your father would think if he knew your half-Spic boyfriend made you suck off the manager at Ruby Tuesday's to get us a free meal."

"I-that was awful. He was so disgusting, Blade."

"Oh, as I remember as you spat out cum to eat your salad, you were frigging yourself under the table, my dear."

"By the way, is Desiree still in the back yard?"

"Your daughter, the Town Pump of Penobscot County spent the night in the back yard, in the dog kennel, and I will be going out to hose the mud off her, since it did rain a bit."

"She's not really a tramp."

"Oh no, normal girls go to their Senior Proms in leather cinchers leading two boys on metal leashes."

"Well, she is nineteen. A little old for high school."

"Oh why not go on the seven year plan if you're not planning to go to college anyway? And who was it that intervened with the judge when she got caught writing prescriptions....it was ME, your ex-con boyfriend who knows every judge in town."

"Still, you don't have to put her in the back yard just because she's not in by eleven."

"Last night it was two a.m. I am going to find the flogger I used on you the other day for not washing the windows, and we are going to see if Missy can't get it together."

"She has sensitive skin, it--"

"Well, that, and the flogger may indicate serious progress."