Letters to a Lost Lover Ch. 01

***these are real notes I write thinking about someone whom I am in love with, but cannot currently be with for long and hard to explain reasons. They are my real thoughts and fantasies. Who knows if he will ever read these***

Every time I touch myself I think of you. Cumming to the thought of you stringing me up and fucking me spread eagle. Imagining sucking your dick while you smoke a cigarette and look down at me, making eye contact as you blow a puff of smoke in my face. Then grabbing my hair and forcing my head down harder. I berate you for smoking... But there are certain cases where it's hot. It stirs something deep inside me to see you casually smoking a cigarette while I beg for your attention, beg for you to touch me. So elegant and calm, even though I know the violent thoughts in your head.

I want to hear you whisper "this is what you wanted isn't it?" while you abuse me.

I keep imagining you fucking my pussy for the first time. Fucking me until I cum on your hard cock, then pulling out and having me clean you with my mouth thinking I'm done, just for you to flip me over and fuck my ass. I want to feel you in all my holes. I want to feel you deep inside me.

As I've told you before, I can't stop fantasizing about you cumming on my face. Dear god. I don't know why I want that so bad. I want you to fuck my face or my pussy until you're about to cum then pull out and wrench my head back by the hair and finish yourself off on my face and open mouth. I dont unserstand why that is so fucking hot to me. It makes me wet just thinking about it. Then kiss me and tell me I'm a good little slut for daddy. Before meeting you I never really fantasized about dicks at all, let alone blowjobs or cum or anything... But now I can't stop thinking about having your cock in my mouth. Tasting your cum. I could never help but gag on you and even still I loved feeling you shoving my head down deeper. There's something about seeing your cum. When you finish in my ass or my mouth I don't see it. I want to look in your eyes as you climax and cum all over my face so I can taste it.

I want you to leave more marks on me Jesus Christ. So badly. I want scrapes and scratches stinging across my whole fucking body from you raking your nails through my flesh like an animal. Bite marks. Scratch marks. Bruises. Make me bleed. That first week we were involved I had to wear long sleeves in the summer. Pants on 90 degree days. To cover all the beautiful bruises and healing scratch marks. Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than being your canvas, my love. Nothing. Melted makeup, covered in spit and blood and cum, waiting for you to use me. That is when I feel the prettiest.

The little sigh/growl you let out when you're about to go feral makes me lose my fucking mind. I was watching porn and someone happened to sound a lot like you making that sound. It was so similar, and that sound in that moment made me fucking cum. I am addicted to that primal growl. I can see the shift in your eyes as you reach that primal headspace and you are ready to absolutely consume me. I miss it every single day.

I want to wear a tail plug so I can be your cute little kitten, your pet. And of course so I'm always ready to take your cock deep in my ass. I want to wear my kitty ears and little maid costume and cook and clean for you knowing that at any moment you might decide to use my holes. I want to sit under your desk, high as a kite, while you play video games. Just sit there empty headed and content for you to pat my head and tell me I'm a good girl. And if you lose something and need moral support I can suck you off. Or just if you want me to. I am always happy to feel your cock in my mouth. I want to suck you off while you're playing video games, mic on, on discord. Nothing says power move like letting everyone know you have a pretty girl content to sit under your desk sucking your cock. Fucking me while I have your headset on, mic on, on discord playing video games. So everyone can hear me getting fucked on mic like the slut I am. Bonus points if the other people call me pathetic while I get railed.

I desperately want time-release locks. So I can tie/handcuff you up for a change. You pick the amount of time and don't tell me. Then I can tease you... Strip in front of you.. touch myself in front of you.... Take off your pants and touch you through your underwear. Get you nice and hard but still not touch you too much. Talk dirty in your ear and grind against you and get you all worked up with nothing to do about it then suddenly... The locks will snap open. And you'll catch me undoubtedly. And punish me for being such a cock tease and use me to get off since I started it. I remember when I teased you similarly, turning on the red lights and lightly scratching down your chest, then stopping. Watching that primal glint flick in and out of your eyes is the only kind of edging I want to enact. It felt so dangerous. Like playing with a predator. And I desperately want more.

Tease me mercilessly. Like the pathetic needy little whore I am. Trying to be all innocent when really I just need my holes filled to be content. Simple minded little kitten who just need to get fucked and cuddles to be happy. That's me. I just want you to take care of me and use me. I don't want any control. I trust you.

You are the only person I have felt like this for. No other ex, no fantasy. I only want you. I want all of you. I miss feeling your body pressed against mine, I miss your strong hands around my neck as you watch me lose consciousness. Someday we will be together again, my love.