Life Is Too Short Ch. 04

Welcome to the final chapter. There's very little sexual content, and there are definitely no characters under 18 engaging in sexual acts.

I hope you enjoyed the story. Please provide a rating and I welcome comments. Your thoughts are what I need to improve.

To recap, Ted's took Allie's suggestion and had an interesting set of dates. First, he had a regrettable evening with a rather loose woman, but then he started seeing Marci who was a serious love interest. Still, he's torn because of his feelings for Allie, but he's not sure she'll ever recover from losing Dave, her husband. He could see himself with either woman, but who would become his true life-partner?

And now, to the final chapter.

*****

Life is Too Short -- Chapter 4

After my talk with Allie, I had to regroup. For now, I'd do what Marci suggested. But I loved both Marci and Allie. I needed my sounding board, so I arranged to talk with Kelsi after Sunday dinner. Pam helped her make a wonderful meal, and I found myself admiring how Pam seemed to blossom since we separated. I guess it really was good for both of us.

After we ate, Kelsi and I retreated to Junior's room for his feeding and to put him down for a nap. The little guy quickly settled right into his dinner routine.

"So, dad, I assume you have women problems again. Is this about Allie or Marci?"

"Yes."

"Oh, a double whammy."

"You could say that. I really care about... no, strike that... I love them both. It's strange, I care about them each but for different reasons and in different ways."

"Tell me about it. How do you feel about Allie?"

"Living in the same house with her, I can picture spending my life with her. She's my best friend--except, of course, for you, sweetie."

"Yeah, right. Good recovery."

"You know what I mean," I explained with a chuckle. "Nothing will ever compete with how much I love you and I really treasure the relationship we have. But, anyway, I've told you how I feel about her. The problem is that she seems to be pushing me away."

"Allie and I talked about that, and I'm not going to spill the details. From what she told me, she knows how you feel, and she's been pretty clear about how she's not ready to replace Uncle Dave yet. But I know she loves you too. I don't think she expected someone like Marci to pop into the picture so quickly, though."

"I didn't either, but I've had a great relationship with Marci for a long time. And, you know it wasn't physical while I was with your mom, right?"

"Oh, absolutely. But I guess you two have always been attracted to each other?"

"Yeah. With Marci, I have a level of comfort because we've been friends for so long. Now that we... damn, I'm not comfortable entirely talking with my little girl about this."

"Your little girl is a mommy now, and can handle the sexual content. I assume you were going to say that the sex is great, right?"

"Sort of. I was going to say we're physically very compatible."

"Same thing. Can you see yourself with Marci long term?"

"I think so, but she has always been upfront that she's not looking for commitment. Based on some of her comments, I'm not sure she hasn't changed her position."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I was hoping you'd give me some ideas."

"Geez, dad. I'm gonna have to repeat all the stuff you told me when I was dating, aren't I?"

"What?"

"Trust your heart. What do you think you should do?"

"Well, I guess I should see where things can go with Marci since I'm basically with her. But do you see the uncomfortable position that puts me in with Allie? I could see how she might think she's my fallback position. To be honest, when I think of them both, if one was my choice as a fallback, I think it would be Marci. Plus, I'm still up against Allie's resistance to being ready to move forward."

"So what does all that tell you?"

"I guess Allie's reluctance tips the scale. I need to see if Marci is the one regardless of how things are with Allie. If something clearly shows me that Marci is not into marrying me, I need to pull back from her. I'm just not built for the friends-with-benefits way of life."

"So, again, you already know the answer. For what it's worth, I think you're on the right track."

"There's one little splinter in my mind that bothers me. If Allie came to me today and said she's ready and asked what I want to do, I'm not sure what I'd say."

"From what Aunt Allie told me, I don't think she'd ever do that if you're with Marci or someone else."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Anything else about your love life that we need to talk about?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"I have a few topics to bring up."

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, nothing like that. Do you remember the girl who used to babysit me?"

"Sure. Cindi Williams. Allie got a wedding invitation and we're going together."

"You're not taking Marci?"

"I wasn't planning on it. We accepted the invitation before Marci and I became an item."

"Oh, okay. I didn't know if you knew about it since the invitation came to mom. Cindi didn't know you two were separated. Okay, one subject down. The other may be tough for you."

"Uh oh. Well, hit me with it."

"Did you know mom has been seeing a counselor?"

"No, but I'm glad. She seems so much happier."

"She is. The counselor helped her start to realize why she changed and pushed you away so much. Mom and I have talked about it a lot. I think you need to sit and talk with her, too. Would you do that?"

"Is she expecting me to do it now?"

"Yeah. Is that okay?"

"To be honest, I'm anxious to know what happened as much as anybody. So, yeah. What should I do? Where do I go?"

"She's on the back porch waiting. Thanks, dad. I think it's important to hear her."

I moseyed down the stairs and wondered if she was going to accept the blame or put it on me. I had no idea the direction this talk could take, but I wanted to hear her conclusions.

"Hey, Pam. Kelsi said you want to talk."

She rose and hugged me. The change in her behavior was welcomed, but it also concerned me. I hoped this wasn't going to be a reconciliation attempt. As much as I still cared for her, that bridge was destroyed as far as I was concerned.

"Thanks for agreeing. I wasn't sure if you were done talking about all of that, but I'm glad you're willing. My counselor is a wonderful woman, and she convinced me that you'd want to know how we ended up where we did."

I assumed the way she said it that I was going to be blamed. She must have seen that in my face.

"Ted, that didn't come out right. Let me clarify. None it was your fault. I admit that when I first started meeting with her that I tried to blame your insistence on sex as a big part of the issue."

"What did she say to that?'

"She sorta yelled at me and asked what I expected. She said being in love and married required intimacy as an important part of the relationship."

"I think I like your counselor. So, can you tell me what you've learned?"

"My life ran into major storms all at once, and I handled it all badly. She helped me see that the biggest failing on my part is that I didn't talk to you and explain what I was going through. I may have avoided all this..."

Her emotions were about to take over, so I knelt by her and hugged her. "Pam, I'm here to support you. It's all in the past, so don't let it rule us now. It will help me to know, and help you to tell me. And, if I hadn't already said it, I'm really glad that you seem happy now. Is that real? Are you happy?"

"Yes, I am. It wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never be happy again."

"So, focus on how well things are going now, and just tell me as if we're talking about the weather. None of it can hurt either one of us again, okay?"

"I'll try."

I sat closer to her so I could hold her hand. She looked where our hands met and smiled. I could see her spirit calming quickly as the seconds passed.

"The weather, huh?"

"I know. I've over simplified it."

"Let me just highlight the details, and you can ask questions. First, hormones and brain chemistry really screwed with my head at menopause. You knew a little about that, but what you didn't know is that it wasn't the cause of my losing interest in sex. Hidden in those changes, though, sex became uncomfortable, and that triggered two things."

"Uncomfortable?"

"Actually, it was painful in two different ways. We never really did talk openly about sex, and I didn't know how to deal with it except to stop having sex."

"Two ways? How?"

"The physical pain started with being dry, but it turned into something the doctor called vaginismus. As soon as you tried to enter me, it was excruciating. The doctor said it may go away, but not always. If you remember, I tried to avoid sex as much as possible but didn't cut things off completely. I wanted to be sure we never, you know, had intercourse, but we tried using our mouths or hands for pleasure. You weren't happy, but you tried to be understanding. But that's when I started having another problem."

"Another?"

"Yes. As soon as your attentions started to bring me to orgasm, the more the feeling of pleasure increased, my head started to hurt more and more. The first time it happened, I swore I was having a stroke. I tried to hide it from you. In fact, I think you thought I had a major orgasm that almost made me pass out, but it was the pain. I hoped that was a one-time thing, but It happened every time."

"Oh, Pam. I wish you'd have told me. Did you talk to a doctor?"

"No. I did a little research and found that orgasm headaches were not that uncommon. But combined with my other problem, I was scared to ever be intimate again, so I decided to push you away. But before I did, I had to try one other thing."

"Dave?"

"Oh, was I stupid! I was desperate to see if it was all my fault, or if you were doing something to cause it or, maybe, my head reacted that way to you. I'd never been with anyone else, so I couldn't know for sure."

"So, it wasn't any better with Dave?"

"Nothing was better. The only good part is it was over quickly, plus he was a little smaller so it hurt but not as much. I only got to the point where I was starting to build to an orgasm and the headache started to kick in, but fortunately he finished quickly before I got too excited and the headache didn't get too bad. I faked an orgasm for his benefit. I knew then that it was all my problem--my fault."

"I guess that was when you decided to push me away from any kind of intimacy. That really hurt, you know."

"I'm so sorry. You wouldn't believe how much it pains me that I hurt you. The intimacy, though, was only a part of what made me change. My counselor helped me put all the pieces together."

"There's more?"

"Yeah. You have to remember everything that was going on at that time. My menopause and hormone changes were like fuel to everything else. Kelsi had just moved out and our nest was empty. For the previous twenty years, being her mom defined me. And also, I couldn't control my weight and I felt like a fat slob that couldn't do some of the physical activities we always liked. All that depressed the hell outta me, so I started to escape into the TV and those sappy movies. They became like my ideal life and family and they started to become a mental replacement for my real life. My counselor told me that entertainment, such as TV, can be a real addiction."

"I guess I can see that, but why take it all out on me? What did I do?"

"Oh, Ted, don't assume you did anything wrong. And all this stuff that was going on isn't and excuse for how I acted."

"Then why push me away and disrespect me the way you did?"

"Don't take this wrong, but when everything in my body and my life seemed to turn against me, you were thriving. You still lived the same as you did when we were young, your career was taking off with promotion after promotion and raises like we never dreamed of. You were travelling the world and seeing all the places I'd always wanted to see."

"I offered to take you with me on some trips, yet you never wanted to go."

"I know, and I'm sorry. That's not the point, though. From what my counselor has made me see, my depression convinced me that we didn't fit anymore. Even so, I held on to our marriage because I was afraid to be alone even though, at the same time, I wanted to be alone and away from you. You reminded me of what I felt I could no longer have--an active lifestyle with us being free to make love anytime we wanted to and do anything that struck our fancy. That wasn't going to happen and I...oh, damn, Ted, I resented you for it."

"So you pushed me away?"

"Yes. Pushing you away became a ridiculous obsession. I should have done you a favor and just divorced you then, but I was too scared to be alone."

"Pam, up to that point we had a close and loving marriage. Why would you rather consider divorcing me ten years ago than try to talk and work something out? It doesn't make sense to me. Did you stop loving me then?"

"Oh, heavens, no! Don't you see? The other side of this is that I loved you so much that I considered setting you free. I knew you couldn't be happy. You may have been in your fifties, but were still so young in attitude and passion. I don't mean just sex, but all the activities I either couldn't do or that I had no interest in doing. I took the coward's way out," she said through her tears. "I turned away from you so, maybe, you might leave on your own."

"Why? So you could blame me?"

"I don't know. I swear I felt like my brain was short-circuiting and I couldn't think straight. I think I even turned angry because you weren't taking the hint. I really messed everything up, but you were like Saint Ted, just putting up with it all. Ted, I am so sorry for how horrible I was."

I wanted to yell, scream, and blame her for all the crap I endured. It took all my willpower to stay calm, because none of that would fix things or make it better. I only had one response that I could come up with.

"I appreciate you telling me all this. I guess wishing we both could have done better won't help."

Her emotions flowed back in full force. "Can you forgive my stupidity? I don't know how you put up with me, and you didn't deserve it."

I hugged her, and softly said, "I forgive you Pam. Let's leave the past in the past, and find joy in where our lives take us, okay?"

Driving home, I had trouble putting the talk I had with Pam into the proper perspective. I was happy with how things were going now, but I was pissed at the wasted ten or more years because of what she went through. I tried to be understanding because I had no way to know when all those hormones and chemical imbalances do to someone's mind. I finally decided just to be happy in the moment, because I really looked forward to how my future was shaping up.

*****

The closing on my house was finally over. My contractor told me the renovations would be finished after three or four weeks, and I decided to move into one of the spare bedrooms while the work was in progress.

The day I moved out of Allie's home was painful for us both. I set up my new temporary living quarters in the new house and prepared myself to rough it for three or four weeks. Four days into living with the dust and mess, I knew I needed another plan. Then, inspiration hit me. I checked some schedules and found the perfect alternative to living in the mess. I called Marci.

"Hey gorgeous."

"Hey, tall, dark, and well hung."

"You know I'm blushing now, right? Totally, red-faced blushing."

"I wish I was there. You're cute when you blush. So, what's up?"

"Do you have anything you can't get out of for the next two weeks?"

"Two weeks? Depends. What do you have in mind?"

"How about a ten-day cruise to Alaska with an old guy?"

"Really? I always wanted to do that. So, who do I have to go with?"

"Are you sassin' me? Seriously?"

"When do we leave?"

"In two days. We fly to Seattle, and board the ship there. You game?"

"Absolutely! Book it, baby. Let me know how much I owe you for my tickets."

"No way. You're my guest."

"Well, at least let me cover airfare for us both."

"Marci, I really want you to go and I want it to be my treat."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely positive."

"Okay," she said with a giggle. "I assume you'll want me to pay my way with sexual favors?"

"I was counting on it, as a matter of fact."

We took a direct flight to Seattle from Philly on Alaska Air, and boarded the ship for ten days of way too much food and lots of fun. Yes, the fun included a significant amount of intimate playtime.

I've always loved Marci, but I felt myself falling even deeper. Still, she kept her heart at a distance. It was the only part of her body that felt unreachable. We talked about it several times. She admitted she loved me, but reiterated that there were no permanent ties in her future. I thought about that a lot during the trip, and came to the point where I thought maybe I could live that way. I mean, shoot, we were having a great time, enjoyed each other's company, and I was more sexually satisfied than at any other point in my life. The time together on the cruise felt like a test that we passed, so I could see us together enjoying similar experiences for years to come.

*****

We arrived back home on a Thursday morning and I stopped at my house. The work was moving along at a good pace, but the dust had really invaded my living space so I figured I'd call Allie to see if I could hang out at her house a little longer. I thought of calling Marci instead, but after two weeks together I thought she could use a break from me.

"Hey, Allie. I'm home!"

"Welcome back! Did you have a great time?"

"We did. I can't wait to tell you about it. But, hey, I need a favor."

"Okay."

"The dust at the house is awful. Would it be okay to crash at your place most nights until it's all done? I think I overestimated my willingness to live with the dust."

"Great! No problem at all. When are you coming over?"

"Jet lag isn't bothering me, so how about if I come over near dinner time? I'll bring lots of takeout and we can watch a movie."

"That sounds terrific. I was trying to think of what I wanted for dinner and you solved it for me."

"What kind of food do you want?"

"Come on! That's a dumb question. What do you think?"

I arrived at Allie's just before 6:00 with tons of Chinese food. I was glad to see she was in a great mood. I told her about the cruise and she seemed really excited about it. She shared that it was one of the trips she dreamed of taking someday. I was glad she was cheerful, but for some reason it bothered me that she seemed almost too happy. I eventually shrugged my shoulders and accepted that she was just fine. After all, I wanted her to find joy in life just as I was finding with Marci.

We devoured a good bit of the Asian cuisine, packed up the leftovers, then collapsed on the couch for a movie.

"Well, old man, what do you want to watch tonight?"

"Ladies choice."

"How about a classic, like a Bogart movie?"

"Okay by me. Do you have African Queen by any chance?"

She started the movie, then during the opening credits she announced something I wasn't ready to hear.

"Oh, by the way, we have Cindi William's wedding on Saturday. I know we were planning to go together, but would you mind bringing Marci as your plus-one? I have a date."

What did I just hear? Why did it instantly twist my stomach in a knot? After all, I'm dating, so why shouldn't she? I tried to calm myself and answer with total control.

"Oh. Great. Who's the lucky guy?"

"Lenny. He finally asked me out and we went on a date last Saturday. So, it seemed natural to go with him since he was invited to the wedding anyway."