Life with Family Ch. 01

Luckily, though, I also happened to be the person who controlled Danny's sex life, so as soon as he saw the look on my face, he said, "Uh, Mom? I think we'd better ease up a bit. Sami looks like she's about to cry."

"Aw, I'm sorry, Honey." Mom said, coming up behind me to wrap me in a hug, "I didn't mean to upset you, I was just having a bit of fun."

"I know, Mom," I said, turning to face her so I could return her embrace, "I'm just super embarrassed, and I feel bad for making you hear all that."

"Sweetie, you have nothing to feel bad about!" she laughed, I may be an old fart now, but I remember what it was like to be a horny teenager in love."

I rolled my eyes at that, but I was smiling again when I said, "Mom, I don't think you're allowed to call yourself old when you're not even forty yet."

She smiled back, and said, "Okay, well, PHYSICALLY I might not be old, but mentally and emotionally, I'm thirty-five going on ninety-seven."

"More like thirty-five going on seven." I muttered, still a little sore at being made fun of.

"Well, yes, that's also a possibility." she laughed merrily.

Danny came up to stand beside me so he was no longer stuck in the doorway, and casually draped an arm around my waist, saying, "You know, Mom, since today's Saturday, If you went out again tonight, you might have better luck at finding a guy."

Danny had a lot of good qualities, but subtlety had never been one of them.

"Oh, is that so?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him, "And would you mind telling me why you're suddenly so keen on me finding a date? Eager for a repeat performance?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but I elbowed him in the ribs to shut him up so all he managed to get out was a pained grunt. I loved him to death, but even a flashing neon sign that read "SEX!" in giant pink letters would have been less obvious.

Mom laughed at my reaction, and said, "Sorry to disappoint, but no, I don't think I will be going out again tonight. I realized last night that I'm pretty done with the whole 'bar scene', so tonight I will be drinking a glass of wine and curling up with a good book."

"Oh...okay." Danny said, looking as if Mom had just told him that his favorite pet had died.

"But now that you mention it, there IS something I wanted to talk to y'all about." Mom added.

Well shit. That didn't sound good.

Then she continued, saying, "But first...," and then she gestured towards the kitchen table, where we saw a single wrapped package, "Happy Birthday, you two."

"Oh, Mom, you didn't have to get us anything!" I said.

"I know," she said brightly, her eyes sparkling in a way that I wasn't entirely sure I liked, "just open it."

There was just the one package, so she must have meant for Danny and I to share it. Whatever IT was.

I turned to Danny and asked, "Do you want to open it or should I?"

Danny eyed the package suspiciously. Like me, he was all too aware of our mother's penchant for mischief, and must have been harboring similar misgivings about the "present". Finally, he came to a decision, and said, "You go ahead."

Well so much for being chivalrous. I cautiously approached the gift, and as I was inching towards it, Mom lost her patience, and burst out, "For God's sake, y'all! It's not a bomb, just open it!"

I giggled, and said, "Well, we never know with you." then casually picked it up and tore off the wrapping paper.

It was a pair of wireless headphones. I mean, they were really NICE headphones, but...well, it just seemed like an odd choice of gift for Danny and I, since neither of us were particularly into music.

I didn't want to seem ungrateful, though, so I said, "WOW! Thanks, Mom, these are awesome!" with as much feeling as I could.

Danny came up to stand beside me, and looked at the box I was holding with confusion written all over his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get a word out I stamped on his foot. Hard.

The thing about my brother is, he's heard of tact, but only as something that OTHER people have.

"OW! Jesus, Sami, what the hell?!" he cried, while I continued beaming happily at Mom.

Mom tried to stifle a laugh, but didn't quite manage it. Then, with an embarrassment that it was painfully obvious she was faking, said, "Whoops! Oh, honey I'm so sorry, but I seem to have made a mistake!" then she snatched the box out of my hands and continued, "Actually I got those for myself!"

Danny and I exchanged looks of sheer bafflement. What on earth was she playing at?

Deciding to change the subject, I said, "Mom, you said you had something you wanted to talk about?"

"Oh, right!" she exclaimed, "Silly me, I almost forgot!"

Right. I didn't buy that for a second, but all I said was, "So, what's up?"

She smiled and said, "Samantha, I've decided to convert your bedroom into a sort of rec room, so later today, we all need to go in there and start taking your stuff out."

"What? Mom, what are you talking about?" I asked.

Her face screwed up in feigned confusion, "I'm talking about moving all the stuff out of your room so we can turn it into a rec room. Weren't you listening?"

"Mom, that doesn't make any sense!" I said, more loudly than I had intended, "If you take all my things out of there, where will I sleep?!"

She put a finger to her lips pensively and said, "Why, I hadn't considered that. Where WILL you sleep?"

I was totally lost. I had absolutely no idea what was going on right now, and I was starting to get worried. I glanced at Danny, hoping for a clue, but he looked as confused as I felt.

Then, a dark thought occurred to me. I remembered when, shortly after the "Wet Spot" incident, Mom had sat Danny and I down and given us an ultimatum.

Keep our hands off each-other or I would be going to live with our grandparents in Montana.

At the time I had considered it an empty threat, and told her that it didn't matter where she carted me off to, because I would just come back. Even if I had to walk the whole way. And after that she had relented in trying to keep us apart, and I thought she had come to even accept it...but what if Danny and I having sex had been the final straw?

My hands flew up to cover my mouth, and this time, when the tears came I didn't bother trying to hold them back.

"Oh my God, Mom! Are you kicking me out?!"

Though, if she was, this seemed like a pointlessly sadistic way to go about it. Which, in retrospect, should have clued me in.

Now, it was Mom's turn to look utterly confused, "WHAT?! Jesus, Samantha, where on EARTH would you get a ridiculous idea like that?!"

"But, you're making me move out of my room, so I won't-"

The whole time I was having a full fledged panic attack, Danny had been staring intently at the floor, deep in thought, but just then his head shot up in sudden realization, and he exclaimed, "Wait! Mom, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

She smirked and said, "Probably."

"Wow, that's...wow. Thanks, Mom."

She just laughed and responded, "Who loves you, baby?"

At this point I had stopped panicking and was just pissed that apparently I was the only one who was still in the dark.

"WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I yelled.

Mom just sighed and said to Danny, "We should probably clue your sister in before she has an aneurysm."

Danny chuckled and asked, "Do you want to explain or should I?"

"Be my guest." she replied.

Danny turned to me and clasped my hands in his, saying, "Okay, Sami, think about it. Mom is turning your room into a rec room, right?"

"Yeah, I managed to catch that part." I replied sarcastically.

"Okay well remember when we were little and that room was Mom's office? Where did you sleep then?"

"We shared a room. But what does that have to-"

And then I understood.

"HOLY SHIT! MOM, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

Mom burst out laughing and said, "Yes, dear, I'm serious. Despite my best efforts, y'all are practically married to each-other already, so I might as well let you share a bed so you can enjoy it to its fullest extent."

Now I was crying for an entirely different reason, and I jumped into my mom's arms and hugged her as tight as I could. By having me move into Danny's room, she was tacitly giving us permission to share a bed and make love whenever we wanted. So that meant...

"So then the headphones...?" I asked, backing away from her.

"Yes, Honey, they're so I don't have to hear you screaming 'Fuck your big sister, Danny!' every night."

I felt my cheeks flush and said, "Thank you so much, Mom! I promise we'll be as discreet as we can about it...and...I'll...try to be a little quieter...from now on."

She just laughed and said, "I know you will, Sweetie," then she clapped her hands together and, with a thousand-watt smile, said, "Alright! Time for breakfast! Who's in the mood for waffles?"