Life with: Kat and Alejandro Ep. 16

"I—I don't really know." She sighed. "I didn't want you to worry that I wasn't happy or think negatively of Alejandro." She confessed quietly.

"Of course, I'm going to worry about you! You are my love. Why wouldn't I worry that you are unhappy? You're sick and hurting and doing risky things down there—Kat if you want to come visit New York—"

"This is kind of why I didn't want to tell you." She was now figuring it all out. She put a couple fingers to her forehead.

"Well, I love you. I don't know what kind of response you want from me." Pat replied sassily. Kat groaned. "Listen, I know you don't want me to think you regret your choice to move there or want to think I was right about you moving too quickly. But I would never think that." Kat could feel her eyes welling up and it was the most frustrating feeling ever. She had no intentions of crying today. "You were so happy and fulfilled for so long; this is just a bump in the road. Okay?"

"Yes," Kat croaked. "Thank you." She sniffled.

"Don't thank me. Just keep working hard for your marriage." She said sternly.

"I've been trying to," She looked outside the window to check for the school bus. It wasn't coming yet. "But I think the level of commitment has left the building a little bit since my affair." Kat chuckled in a way that didn't signal humor but more frustration.

"What do you mean?" Pat asked.

"I think I've reevaluated some things since I last saw Franco. That reevaluation has me a little less willing to throw myself at Alejandro that way I had been before." She'd lost that twinge that made it bearable to do his laundry knowing he'd sat on the couch all Saturday morning while she scrambled around, exhausted at 9am. She didn't want to overextend herself to compensate for him anymore. She felt a little guilty about it.

"Hey!" Patricia chastised her unspoken thoughts. "That's not what you should've been doing in the first place. If you don't feel the need to do that anymore since the affair, it's because you started feeling a little less sorry for yourself." Kat thought that over for a minute.

It sounded right. When she started to realize her worth as a woman, outside of all the motherly and wife-like things she prided herself on for so long, she felt a little less compelled to pick up Alejandro's slack. She loved her husband—absolutely. She loved their life and what they built together, as a couple. However, she was a little more comfortable with the idea of being alone. Getting an apartment with her son didn't sound like such a complete nightmare if it meant she'd be happier. That took the desperation out of things.

"You're right." Kat said quietly, biting on the side of her freshly manicured nail.

"So, it's time to let Alejandro do the work. You don't need to bend over backwards anymore. This is his chance and you told him you'd be grading him closely so do just that."

And she intended on it.

*

"So now that you've finished that paragraph, how should the next one start?" Kat inquired, tapping into her 'teacher mode' while in the comforts of her own home. Diego sat thoughtfully and exaggeratedly displayed his thinking face. Kat glanced toward the quick outline they'd written out when he first began his homework but he missed her hint. She gave him an extra second to catch her eye but he started dramatically rubbing his chin instead. "Well wouldn't it help if we looked at the outline we made?" Diego looked at the paper off at a distance.

"Oh yeah!" He grabbed it and started reading what the next topic should have been.

"Kat," Maribel asked. Kat's head had been on a swivel for the past hour. She alternated between helping Diego and helping Maribel with their homework at the same time. Before them, she had never mastered the art of switching her thinking in terms of algebra and reading comprehension within two seconds.

"Yes—did you finish the expression?" She peered over to look at her worksheet. "Oh, Mari, you didn't add the exponents correct—"

"Are you and daddy getting a divorce?" Kat's mouth was agape. Her breath hitched in the back of her throat and she tried to force it down into her lungs. Instead, she resorted to shallow panting.

Kat glanced back at Alejandro who laid on the living room floor next to Andres. Andres held his feet in his hands while on his back. Something played on TV and they both were relatively preoccupied with it. However, Alejandro looked a lot more bored than the baby.

Kat sat back in her seat. She looked at Diego who had clearly heard his sister's question but just as clearly had never thought of it as a possibility for their family. Kat didn't want to answer on her own or at all because she just didn't know how. She didn't have adequate answers for herself so it was nearly impossible to explain them to two nine year olds. Maribel was much more mature than Diego so it wasn't a surprise that she had pieced enough together to even ask the question.

Kat had been trying so hard to protect them from something so obvious. They were smart kids and Alejandro and Kat's relationship took a sharp turn very quickly. They had gone from such intimate public displays of affection to absolutely no communication and certainly no contact. Now, they were missing much more often. They knew something was different and it was getting hard for her to keep pretending and hoping they didn't.

"Baby," Kat started. She searched for the words. "Daddy and I are working on some things together—"

"What is a divorce?" Diego interrupted. His brows were etched with curiosity. Kat was once again at a loss for words. Her palms were growing slick under the kitchen table.

"It's when they stop being married." Maribel said sassily as if this was common knowledge Diego should have already known. "It'll be like before Kat got here with just us and Daddy."

"You're leaving us?" Diego's cute voice grew shrill with panic. "My baby brother—He won't be here?" Kat shushed him quickly and tried to gather him in for an embrace from across the table.

"Diego, let me try to explain—"

"You are?" Maribel pressed after noticing her refusal to blatantly deny the possibility. Kat didn't want to say it wasn't true because if the time did come, she'd hurt them even more than she'd planned because she had lied. She'd be remembered as the woman who said they wouldn't get a divorce and then slipped the rug right from under them when they weren't expecting it.

"I—" She stuttered.

Diego's face was slowly contorting into an expression fit for a bellowing sob. Kat quickly got out of her seat and tried to comfort him. To her surprise, he broke out of her hold and stood menacingly beside the table with tears streaking his face. His fists were animatedly clenched and his chest heaving from his rage.

"Please, let me explain." Kat said. Diego sprinted up toward the staircase and stomped up the length of the steps until everyone heard the sound of his bedroom door slamming shut.

Kat didn't realize she had been crying too until she could see Alejandro's stern face of confusion and concern looking at her from his spot on the living room floor. Kat used the back of her hand to wipe at her eyes and then turned to the table.

She gathered Diego's papers and books together to clear the table for dinner but she could hardly see what she was doing behind her wall of tears. She wondered if Diego would ever be the same with her. She wondered if she would ever find a way to explain the complexities of her and their father's relationship in a way that wouldn't break their trust.

In their perfect alternate ending, they'd be happy together forever. She'd accept that for her own too. But just as she had a hard time trusting Alejandro with her affection and her vulnerability, they'd grow to have a hard time trusting Kat's. She had shaped herself in their lives and now there was a possibility that they'd have to undo that shaping at only nine years old. After having to undo their biological mother at three and into four. She would end up being no better than Carmen.

Kat let out an unexpected sob which came out more as a yelp. She quickly covered her hand with her mouth and tried to compose herself. She was so tired of crying.

"What happened?" Alejandro was standing right beside her now. Andres was sitting high on his chest. Kat didn't answer. Alejandro turned his attention to Maribel who was still at the table, visibly uncomfortable. Kat knew her question had come from a place of innocence and pure worry but she had upset Kat and her brother unintentionally.

"I—" She stumbled over the words because she was afraid she'd get in trouble. She hadn't been afraid a few minutes ago but she knew Alejandro may respond differently after seeing how Kat and Diego responded. "I'm sorry, Kat. I didn't mean to make you—" Maribel started to panic.

"It's okay, Mari." Kat quickly reassured her. Kat bent down to plant a kiss on her plush cheek. "You didn't do anything wrong." Kat said it harshly. She didn't want her to feel guilty for loving her—for showing concern for their family. "Go get something to eat." She whispered to her. Maribel didn't miss her excuse to leave the table and went to go get the stewed chicken, white rice and vegetables Kat had made.

"Kat," Alejandro pressed. Her tears were still falling despite trying to swipe them away as soon as they surfaced. "Tell me what happened." Kat shook her head as if to tell him it wasn't a big deal. "You want to talk about it on the deck?"

Kat looked him in his eyes just to see if maybe she had imagined the offer. But he was serious.

*

"I'll talk to him—both of them." Kat groaned inwardly. She didn't want Alejandro speaking on her behalf. She didn't want to risk ruining anything any further.

"If I don't know what to say, you definitely don't know what to say." She stared out over the backyard which was decorated in flower pots, shrubs and outdoor toys. The sun was setting over the horizon and it seemed like the perfect temperature to be outside.

"There isn't anything for us to say." Alejandro said. Kat looked at him incredulously. She couldn't imagine going on and choosing just never to bring up the topic again. With Maribel scared to ask and Diego harboring and cultivating this newfound fear for their family, they would be putting them through some sort of mild trauma. She refused to do that.

"I'm not going to never speak of it again." She snapped. "We will talk to them but I'm going to speak first." She said. Alejandro nodded lightly, showing blatant signs of indifference. "Alejandro," She could feel herself getting a bit choked up. "I love your kids as if they came from me." She turned to face him. "I don't want to hurt them."

"And we won't." He reassured.

*

"So, Daddy and I are not getting a divorce as of right now." Kat started on a shaky voice. She was so nervous and uneasy; it was unbearable. "We are trying to work on being wife and husband so we can do a better job and be back to normal again." Alejandro was motionless beside her at the dining room table.

Diego, Maribel and Andres sat on the opposite side. Diego's expression was somewhere between mortification and upset confusion. She couldn't even stand to look into his big eyes for longer than a second. Maribel was focused and intently listening to her—occasionally glancing at her father as if his expression would reveal whether any of what Kat said was true or a cover up.

"It will take some time but we are trying our best." She said quietly.

"W—well what can I do?" Diego asked sweetly. Kat's heart clenched.

"There's nothing you can do, baby. You have done everything you can by being perfect." She smiled at him from across the table. "Both of you." Kat looked to Maribel too.

"And if it doesn't work out—" Alejandro started the hardest part of the conversation and Kat turned her attention toward him. Her eyes cut into the side of his face as if she were trying to guide his words with her vision. "If we do end up getting a divorce, it will be the best choice for all of us." Kat nodded, somewhat pleased with how he worded that. He turned to look at her with his beautiful brown eyes. "We will keep loving Kat anyway." She swallowed but didn't turn away.

She knew he included himself in that sentence. It was now clear to everyone that if they were to divorce, it would be because she wanted it and no one else. She'd have reached a point of no return where the house she called a home had officially felt too much like a warzone for her to handle. Now, she was facing small battles every day without any indication of when her last battle would be.

"Well, what will happen if you get a divorce?" Maribel maturely asked. Kat bit the inside of her lip as she prepared to answer.

"Andres and I will live somewhere close by and Daddy will stay here with you two."

"I want to go with you!" Diego's waterworks were starting again. She looked to Alejandro to see if he was offended that his son would rather live with her than him, his biological father. But he seemed unfazed by Diego specifically and more concerned with where the conversation had turned in general.

"Honey, we aren't even at the point where this needs to be a topic yet, okay? If the time comes, we'll talk about it then." She tried to redirect his energy to save everyone from his crying. He hiccupped his weeps and successfully got them under control again.

"Daddy?" Maribel called for both of their attentions.

"Yes?" He replied lowly.

"I have an idea." She smiled mischievously. She clasped her hands bashfully and Kat could see her cheeks flushing pink. She curled into herself a little bit while she tried to contain her small giggles. Kat laughed lightly.

"I'm nervous." Kat said with playful suspicion.

"I think you should kiss Kat." Kat was sure everyone stopped breathing. Everyone knew how rare it was to see them kiss. She remembered the last time their lips touched while on vacation a few weeks ago. It ended with her sobbing on the hotel floor outside his door.

"Oh..." Kat started. "I don't think—"

"We will kiss when we're ready, Mari." Alejandro said lightly. He found it sweet that she wanted to see some proof. But he could see Kat's face and the apprehension was clear. She had pushed her boundaries with holding hands and he didn't want to keep pushing them.

"You can give her a goodnight kiss like she does me before bed?" She pressed. Alejandro was about to protest again, maybe a little sterner than the first time.

"Yes," Kat replied for him. "Daddy will kiss me." She smiled at him fleetingly. They didn't have to do it. The point was that the kids were comfortable with what they thought was progress.

"Daddy, it has to be a long kiss like—" She started to warn him, nearly chastising.

"Okay Mari," Kat chuckled heftily. "Let's get ready for bed."