Lil C Ch. 01

See, here's what had happened. I came upon an axe murder movie a while back and in one scene of the movie was an unsuspecting couple enjoying their outdoor door hot tub while the axe murdered snuck up on them from the rear of the property and what happened next doesn't matter because all axe murder movies end the same way. What did matter was the camera shot of the unsuspecting couple's rear deck and the way the deck steps fanned out in three directions and had built in accent lighting.

I mean, it wasn't a blueprint, but I paused the axe murder movie, snapped a few photos of the fancy deck stair step design and showed them to my roommates' boyfriend. With a ham sandwich, of course. And mind you, I wasn't looking for a deck rebuild, just fancy three directional steps and provisions for accent lights.

And I'm not saying anything, but Steven has happy to take my phone with the concept photos and put his home improvement thinking skills to work by gazing endlessly at what my deck had to offer as a starting point. And what I'm not saying is that the longer he studied the deck upgrade job at hand, LOL, the less he had to watch The Real Housewives of Middleton with my roomie and his new girlfriend, Tilly.

"Alright Lil C, I'll have Brad whip up a construction design, um, I'll give you the "I'm sleeping with your roomie" discount, but I'll have to treat it as more of a side job, meaning I'm not bringing a crew in to bang it out in two days. And because, wow, I was finally able to call you "Lil C" so easily, you will hire my crew to replace the sink in Tilly's bathroom. I mean, I don't think "gawd awful burnt pea soup" has been a popular color since 1367. Deal?"

I mean, LOL, he was so afraid that I was going to extend my hand and seal the deal with a hand shake, which meant in his mind I was going to transfer fem boy cooties to him, but I didn't. I mean, wow, he actually addressed me as "Lil C" and that must have been hard for him. And it's not like he had a big problem with me, but I was most definitely the first person he experienced so closely who wore the wrong gender of clothing and makeup, but, LOL, he had been coming around.

"Deal, Steven."

Now, see, here's what had happened next.

"See roomie? I told you that hiring Steven was a good idea. I mean, this is what he does and all."

"Is that your apology for "accidently" adding a new bathroom Vanity Cabinet and mirror to go with the new bathroom sink, Tilly?"

"Well, we make a good team as roommates, so none of that matters anyways. But what does seem to matter is how you have been keeping your eyes on the guy building the new deck steps."

"Oh, talk about things that don't matter, the step master doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that the ice tea I have been brewing all morning is perfect. I mean, for all of the deck crew workers, of course."

"Hmmm, so says Lil C who seems to have spent extra time on his hair for a Saturday morning."

You see, here's what had happened after that.

I mean, there were three crew guys working on the face of my deck. The railing guy, the LED lighting guy and the step master. And then there were the three individual jugs of ice tea that I had sun brewed before the crew arrived. And I don't even know how the tape labels which identified which jug of ice tea belonged to what crew worker got there, but I do know that Tilly stole my thunder and grabbed the jugs by the handles and walked them outside to workers.

"LOL, construction guys, right? Always flirting with the boss's girlfriend. I mean, not the step master, of course, Lil C. His name is Todd, by the way. So, go say hello to him. He seems nice."

"Because you need me to be distracted so that the boyfriend can sneak a new toilet system into the house, Tilly?"

"None of that matters, Lil C, all that matters is that we make a good roommate team, like how you made the ice tea and how, OMG, I had to drag each jar outside and all in summer shorts that you can only dream about wearing. By the way, when I say "go say hello", I mean plop down on the deck close to him while he is on an ice tea break. And bend your knees up."

I mean, here's what had happened when I tried to do that.

"Hi, I'm Lil C. Do you mind if I sit here for a minute and inspect the deck steps progress while you're on an ice tea break?"

"Not at all, please sit. I'm Todd, by the way. And feel free to inspect the job, just try to give me a good review with the boss lady, Tilly."

See, here's what had happened after I bit my lips and decided to not yell at Tilly for stealing more of my thunder. Hah! Boss lady, my butt! But Tilly's butt does look good in her summer shorts.

"The triple fan steps probably look bigger than you expected, right Lil C? Don't worry, that's normal and once Hank runs a hand rail up the middle, things will level out. So, I've never seen someone wear an ankle bracelet like that before. Um, what's that little symbol charm thingy mean anyways?"

See folks, here's what had happened after Tilly tricked me into exposing my ankle bracelet by sitting down with my knees propped and bent up.

"Oh, oops, I forgot that would be visible while I was siting like this. Um, it's a badge of sorts, but I don't claim to be badged or anything, so, whew, let's talk about the appearance of the steps. I mean, Steven told me that they would be larger than my concept because it's an after thought addition, but there's always the part about having a little less grass to have cut, right Todd?"

"Ah, anyways, Lil C, um."

"Yeah, I should, well, Todd, it's about."

"Well, you know, I should and all, Lil C."

"Sure, sure and Todd, I have to, ah."

"No, no, it's OK Lil C, so."

"Well, shoot, Todd, um, if you're going to search what the charm symbol means, um, just read up on the right one." It's not "man" and it's not "woman", so."

"Well, um, I'm not good with the searching, but, ah."

See, here's what had happened after that very uncomfortable exchange once I stumbled back into the kitchen and started to make lunch for the deck crew.

"Lil C, if you don't put bacon on all of their grill cheese sandwiches, it's going to look like you're playing favorites. And if I'm going to pass the sandwiches out to the workers in this crop top, it would be easier on me. And be sure to cut the sandwiches diagonal so they match the stripes on my shirt. Guys like stuff like that."

"It doesn't matter. Look at him. He's still searching for the meaning of my ankle bracelet charm. He's going to quit his job and just leave, isn't he? I thought we were having the best conversation and all."

"Well, even I admit that was a pretty smooth way to introduce your true self, but just give things a minute. I mean, he's still searching and I'm sure he found it by now and he hasn't left the job site, so give it a minute."

See, here's what had happened after Tilly stole my thunder again by passing out all of the grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches, that I made and cut diagonally because sometimes, guys stuff like that, I guess.

"Oh, wow, Lil C, my boss is a fool if he doesn't marry your roommate. This bacon is cooked perfectly and the diagonal cut is just as perfect, so, um."

"Well, um, Todd, so?"

"Yeah, well, were you, you know, I was."

"Oh, sure, I know, and um, sure Todd, it's cool."

"I mean, Lil C, ah, alright, just as long as, well, um."

See, here's what had happened after second uncomfortable exchange once I was back inside of the house, shaking like a leaf.

"So, Lil C, are you going on a river bank date this Friday or will you be staying home and watching The Real Housewives of Middleton with Steven and I? Mm-mmm?"

"Oh, well, we were talking about so many other things that we didn't get around to that, so I should probably, um???"

"LOL, first of all, stop chit chatting about "so many other things" and secondly stop talking all together and try "hand" signing. I mean, OMFG, I'll fix things for you, again!"

Oh, I flashed her a hand sign alright! I mean, Tilly didn't see it because she was half way out the patio door to pick up the empty ice tea jugs and all, but I flashed her a hand sign alright.

Anyways, I think this is what had happened when Tilly tried to fix things. And by the way, it was not for "again" or anything. She just likes to say stuff like that.

"It's a simple decision, step master Todd. Just say "yes, I'll pick you up at 7pm" or just say "no, I'll pass even though I want to smash you" or whatever comes to your mind. Also, Lil C has never been smashed, so be cool on your first date. And don't call him a girl. He's actually quite comfortable in his skin."

"Um, well, I was, um."

"It's just a bracelet charm, Todd."

"Ah, snap, like, um."

"Be sure that your truck is clean then, Todd."

"Well, the river park, is ah, well."

"Hey, I'm not judging, Todd. If you want a goth date, then you will get a goth date. Who hasn't been smashed yet, mind you!"

"Well, ah, not so, um, shy, um, high."

"LOL, trust me, when the show store runs low on High Tops, they call Lil C. And I get new shoes if I happen to answer the phone, but we can keep that between us, Todd."

And without any doubt, here's what had happened after Tilly took credit for cleaning up the lunch dishes, ice tea jugs and fixing things for me, again (Not).

"Hmmm, Lil C, you might want to buy a new pair of black Denim capri jeans this week and darken up your hair. You might also have to do something, but I don't think you will need a condom or two, just be ready by 7pm this Friday."

"Yeah, but Tilly, um."

"OMG, just put your Smoothie in a brown paper bag like you know something about life on skid row and mingle. Oh, I may have missed a few things because wow, Todd does talk a lot but, I don't know, wear something purple. Like a purple stripe of something."

Well, buying new jeans is always fun, so here's what had happened during that process.

"Nice fit with the jeans and we have a very dark rave party hair piece if you're interested, Lil C and all of these black logo t-shirts."

"Ugh, I'm showing in these jeans, aren't I, Frankie?"

"Yeah, somewhat. I mean, you can wear a vest with long front points to break up the eye sight lines, if you're trying to hide anything or fool anyone. It's just that I don't really see you as the "hiding" things type, but it's your call."

Yeah, well, trying to hide anything was just stupid, so here's what had happened after I selected a new outfit to wear and Todd took me to the park where his friends hang out. Ah, it was confusing if we were on a date or not, but I rolled with things as they were. LOL, and I crinkled the new brown paper bag that I asked the convenience store for.

"Wow, Todd, your friends were nicer to me than I expected. I mean, that one girl scared me for a minute, but that was a pretty cool, ah date, right? This was a date, right?"

"Well, the nomads live pretty free on Friday nights, so they are cool with stuff. And LOL, don't worry about Gina, LOL, you just didn't have a purple streak in your hair, so she probably thought you were a spy from the Thug's hangout park. I mean, whew, it's a good thing that you don't smoke and walked around with a pack of cigarettes in your rolled up sleeve. And yes, this was absolutely a date, so??"

"Oh, well, yeah, I'd invite you in for a nightcap, but you see that truck is in the driveway, right Todd? Can you handle a having beer with your boss around? I mean, they will retire to the bedroom sooner or later, but Tilly is on to his game of finding ways to avoid watching TV with her and she's making him suffer through the entire season of The Real Housewives of Middleton rerun marathon, so???"

Alright, here's what had happened on our second date when Todd and I actually arrived home from the goth park after Tilly and Steven retired to her bedroom for the evening.

"I'm OK with you coming inside Todd, but it might be best if we watch TV in my bedroom, just in case your boss gets up from bed to get a drink of water or something. But if you fall asleep, well, I make him breakfast all the time the next mornings, so can you handle sitting across the kitchen table from your boss in the morning? If you fall asleep, that is."

And then here's what had happened after our third date, which actually might qualify as our first date based on how things have been going between Todd and myself.

"Well Todd, at least I rubbed you off this time and even though it may have not been what you wanted, at least you got something. And by the way, Gina gave us a sideways thumb sign, so things couldn't have been that bad for you. Anyways, Gina also texted me with another solution to our alone time issues here at my house given how Steven spends the night now every weekend. So, here goes, Todd, would you like to come over this Tuesday evening for dinner? We will be alone."

I mean, that was a good plan, right? Tilly takes all of her college night classes at once on Tuesday's, so we should have had several hours of alone time, right?

Well, here's what had happened that Tuesday evening.

Ah, we had relations! I mean, we had dinner first, but after that, wow, we had relations! But in my bedroom mind you because I had once before scolded the roomie for doing sex stuff on the couch.

"Ahh, don't fret Lil C, you'll get better at. I mean, it was better than that weird hand job you gave me a few days ago."

"Well, I didn't think about the opposite angle thing and all, but am I at least allowed to say "yuk" about things before I melt into your arms as a sign of finally getting together with you?"

"LOL, don't fret that either, LOL, you'll get used to that taste too."

"I know, I take online classes on Chang when Tilly is at night school. So, is there where you fall asleep or lay back and think of a way to dump me now that you dumped down my throat or did you want to lay back and recover so we can use these condoms that Gina slipped into my pocket last Friday?"

"Huh, are you sure, Lil C?"

"Yeah, I mean, I made sure that you noticed my angle bracelet and all, but let me get on my knees and smash my head in the pillows, OK?"

I mean, it was pretty much the number one position on the "Fem Boy Boyfriend Doggie 101" course and all on Chang. Besides, if nothing else, LOL, I wouldn't have to see or watch anything just in case things weren't as "pleasing" as all those freaking liars on Chang made it out to be.

Well, here's what had happened after that!

Wow, guys like that! At least my guy liked it, not to mention that he liked it twice. And it didn't bother me enough to stop anything, although the lubrication on the condoms may have had a lot to do with that. And I don't even mind admitting that I started things the second time. I mean, who knew when we could do this again with Tilly's night classes winding down and all. And maybe I started things the second time because of the "LOL, yeah, he's going to dump you 101" course on Chang.

Either way, my ankle bracelet had become more of a badge than a simple charm. I guess.

End Lil C 01