All Comments on 'Lilith's Fall'

Personally, I loved this. A couple of grammatical errors aside, I thought it was perfect. I wish something similar could happen to me

"..no concrete plans to continue this.."? Aww, puh-lease, c'mon. At least one more chapter, this is starting to get really good. Please? Pretty please?

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I enjoyed it for the most part, but there were some issues. For one, the universe you have created is very vague. With the farming and reference to swords, you might think this is some fantasy middle age, but then the MC mentions Star Wars, so it has to be some sort of modern era. The other problem was what was Helal's motivation for wanting to run away? She clearly has a cushy commander's job, so why run?

Just something to think about.

Loved it from beginning to end! There were a few places where I was a bit confused about what was going on, but for not having concrete plans to continue you did a really good job at world building. You gave us all the information we need (for now), left room for expansion, and sprinkled bits and pieces of a future story that I am 100% on board for. I have always enjoyed your stories, and your (see what I did there?) one of my favorite authors on this site. I'm just praying we won't have to wait until October for the next chapter of Cephalon's Champion. You did kind of leave us a cliffhanger there as well.

To me, it seems set in present day. El and his brother just happen to live on a farm (those still exist). Guns are carried by some people, and college athletics is a popular subject of conversation (judging by the topic El says he was talking about). The Crusaders (angels, perhaps) are beings from another plane, so they can use magic and they use swords, shields, and bows. I’m not sure where your confusion about the time setting comes from, anon.

that was a good story. very enjoyable. gimme moar

my god, this was so hot <3

Need more of these 2.

Thanks for sharing, and if there is more I certainly would welcome it

Very good read, makes an excellent short story from start to finish and feels complete, but definitely wouldn’t mind seeing more. There’s enough mention about events, artifacts, and culture to leave a desire to learn more about what possibilities your characters can explore. From angelic invaders to the fact that the prisoner was given a girls name, Would be interesting to hear more about the history as well as see where these characters go and how they develop

Great story! Would definitely enjoy reading a continuation

Wow, what a great read, i hope their adventure continues!!!

"I don't like doing that. It's wrong. This system is wrong... But it brought me you. I care about you El, never forget that." Helal spun and marched from the room, “ lol he is forced to obey and cook/clean against his will and is being conditioned to be her bitch by this Sigil, what does her caring even mean? He walks around in a chain/collar and is on tenterhooks scared of displeasing her for she threatened him with a knee in his throat to hurt him heavily.. dude is traumatized and being conditioned to be a slave at the same time. In fact i dont understand why he holds 0 resentment/sadness against her and her invader race for enslaving him..? I also believe the Sigil detected her fantasies and is changing El to her desires/wishes? If so he is even being transformed against his will lol.. but its a story in the end he’ll be so conditioned that he’ll like everything happening to him.

"I don't like doing that. It's wrong. This system is wrong... But it brought me you. I care about you El, never forget that." Helal spun and marched from the room, “ lol he is forced to obey and cook/clean against his will and is being conditioned to be her bitch by this Sigil, what does her caring even mean? He walks around in a chain/collar and is on tenterhooks scared of displeasing her for she threatened him with a knee in his throat to hurt him heavily.. dude is traumatized and being conditioned to be a slave at the same time. In fact i dont understand why he holds 0 resentment/sadness against her and her invader race for enslaving him..? I also believe the Sigil detected her fantasies and is changing El to her desires/wishes? If so he is even being transformed against his will lol.. but its a story in the end he’ll be so conditioned that he’ll like everything happening to him.

“I hate her.

The thought was false and quickly soothed away by the sigil.“ does that mean the Sigil is forcing any negative thoughts away? Hmm the conditioning is more extreme then i thought.

'Never be a burden, the finest way to bring yourself joy is through helping others.' I know its not meant that way but i couldnt help but laugh at the fact that even his mother subconsciously conditioned him to enjoy being a slave.

“ Her mantle of authority. Those fingers, grabbing my head, forcing me to look at her while she works her hips over me. Taking me for her pleasure. My own coming only incidentally through her allowance and permission.” i find myself wondering if he was always submissive/slave mentality or if this is all the Sigils doing. Sadly we have no info about him before he was enslaved.

“ the sigil sculpted my body and mind, creating me into something that could better serve my controller.” i guess my assumptions were confirmed, he is forced to change to be more pleasing to her.

“Helal felt comfortable enough with my presence to show off her magic. “ i was wondering why there was no mention of her capabilities since they are assumed to be an alien invader race? Why was she not comfortable showing her magic?

“As I'd suspected, the next morning found me feeling fresh, no hint of the resentment of the day before.“ Stupid Sigil! I wish we couldve explored the resentment and sadness of having his life/body/mind stolen away by her people and see how she reacts to it. Will she say a few im sorry , show a little guilt and thats it?

"You have a brother?" Helal repeated, as if her brain was struggling with the concept that I might have a family.” Hmm im interested in her pov.. what did she think, he came out of nowhere without a family/life? It seems she did not even consider him to be a person until this revelation that he has a family?

"At least here I feel helpful. Needed." What a sad existence. Wonderfully written. Captured my heart that hed rather be a slave to his captor then live unneeded with his family.

L”The problem is that your servant here was naturally susceptible to magic. It's possible that he had latent magical ability we haven't seen yet from this plane.” Some background info on the invaders/magic wouldve been nice. Also shouldnt mages test these things(magic susceptibility) on capture/enslavement?

“It's still fulfilling its primary function as a command seal but the roots of the magic have taken residence throughout her entire body.“ Ah so normally the sigil wouldnt condition them to love being a slave, just as a command/obedience seal. However in El’s case it transforms/conditions his mind/body as well plus normally its removable but not in his case, interesting.

“The light on my forehead reignited, but the torch was a feeble flickering thing compared to its previous strength.“ ah something like the magic in the sigil is used up to transform his body.. that means he is basically free, but hes so conditioned to associate obedience with pleasure he’ll still from deep within his bones want to be Helals slave even without the Sigil.

“The microwave sized magical oven was a new gift from Helal, as I'd confided my frustration at the limitations my lack of modern appliances had caused.“ im even more curious about enchantments/magic/runes/invaders now. Plus the latent magic that was in our futa already.

“By failing to act, I killed her as surely as if I'd pulled the trigger myself.“ i fail to comprehend what he could have done in this scenario? She shot an arrow at them and the brother defended himself/them. Lol

“There is a part of me that's glad. It's not a part I like, but it is there. A greedy demon that is thrilled with knowing you are under its... Under my, power. “ hmm i thought she would say glad that hes here with her now. Seeing how guiltly and appreciative she was i did not think she would enjoy the power trip over an innocent.

"You like being commanded by me?" I thought she already knew how the Sigil warped his/her mind to feel pleasure when obeying her?

“ I'm complicit. I'm the worst sort of hypocrite, wailing about the unfairness of your imprisonment but profiting from it all the same." Very true, atleast she can self reflect on her faults and admit them, i guess i can like her a bit for it. Hope they stop crying about their emotions and hypocrisy soon.

“This is the woman who had a full grown man trembling in his boots when she dropped me off.” i personally wish to see her interactions with other people to see how different she acts compared to with El, just to see why she strikes so much fear in others.

"I'm not an alien," she grumbled.” Angels sent by god to enslave humanity? El didnt even get a trial or something before being enslaved. Guess angels/god are unfair.

"But... I kind of like them," I admitted. “ oh when did she start to like the restraints?

"This is gonna be fun. No more paperwork," she cried joyfully.” So shes abandoning her duty/job/race? Its kind of skipped over. Plus what she can do with Els magic or whatever, hopefully we’ll read more about details.