tagHumor & SatireLiquid Lumber Daters

Liquid Lumber Daters


Note: The descriptions and accounts in these stories are fictional and do not portray any actual people or events.

It all started on a typical LA evening.

As usual, the guys were sitting around talking football, and the girls were left to entertain themselves. The main topic of male conversation was always ridiculing the never to be sufficiently damned Auburn Tigers, something which had been very easy to do over the last few seasons. Even the Supreme Team's recent near misses and one frank stumble before ultimate triumph had not dimmed their boyish enthusiasm and "Roll Damn Tide" spirit, or the sense of innate and inevitable football superiority that was extant throughout the kingdom of Lower Alabama.

The women, however, were becoming much more interested in the performance, or the lack thereof, in the bedroom than on the football field, and were beginning to talk openly about reviewing their options.

The boys listened to their MX Space radios in their big rigs while they were on the job, and had MX receivers at home too, to catch all the important talk shows that covered LA football and a little NASCAR for the occasional highbrow cultural enhancement. They especially liked to listen to "Paul's Fine Bum" a talk show that centered on the Tide, even though the host did not show proper respect and deference to Coach at all times. Second on their hit parade was Mark Fudge, then Jack Maroot. And when the boys were away from home driving cross country, the gals grew tired of listening to the commercials for energy drinks, football logo coolers and Viagra, Cialis, Red Code, and Root Hog, especially when they had given all of the above 'erectile enhancement products' to their men for birthday, Christmas, anniversary and even Easter presents without any noticeable increase in male performance or female satisfaction. It was funny that so much many of the ads on the football fan shows were for erectile dysfunction, enlarged prostate medications, and Preparation H, but the girls did not make the connection at that time. But seeking some sort of stimulation, they turned the MX radios at home up the dial to some of those other channels, including the XXX rated ones, and that gave them some new ideas.

Ideas that continued to circulate in their heads for a while, until one day Lurleen, the 45 year old true leader of the female pack, heard tell of a bunch of new cable TV channels, set aside specifically by the F'ing CC for 'local origin' HDTV shows that could be easily distributed all over the country. The new 'fiber everywhere' shovel ready government infrastructure program pushed through by the new Biden/Pelosi administration, paid for by more and higher taxes on evil rich folks, meant huge gobs of bandwidth was just waiting for content, and the legislation specifically directed that any and all points of view could be portrayed, and categorically forbid any hint of censorship, especially with regard to sexual practices and gender issues, simply mandating that the top rated shows got the available channels, and that all employees building out the new facilities had to be union. Lurleen had an associate's degree in television production from Lower Alabama Community College, and her younger cousin, Cornelia Corley, had gone big time and got herself a full-fledged four year bachelorette degree in mass communications from Full Snail University, the real Harvard of the South.

For a 1/5 of the money the boys would spend on a bass boat, they got a bunch of Go-Pro Hero camera outfits, plus all sorts of lenses, lights, and microphones, and full video and audio editing suites, and decided to produce their own reality TV show, in stunning HD. Cornelia rummaged around the attic and found her freshman textbook on television production, and proceeded to write down the key elements of the craft that she had previously so studiously highlighted in yellow, and then called the organizational meeting of the LAFLWVPS (Lower Alabama Frustrated Loving Wives Video Production Society) to order.

Present were Lurleen, their fearless leader, and Cornelia, the official producer and primary director. Also Cousin Patsy who was to be in charge of casting and locations, and second cousin Martha Dianne, to manage the business and finance activities. Tammy Faye, Lurleen's so called 'widow sister-in-law', sister to Lurleen's deceased first husband George, was their business advisor, but she and Lurleen's present husband Earl did not get along, so she mostly attended meetings telephonically.

"I hereby call this meeting to order!" declared Lurleen, banging her gilded and sequined flyswatter like a gavel.

"First order of business is what kind of show we should make. Madam Producer/Director, what are your recommendations?"

Martha Diane had a good deal of meeting experience with her bowling leagues and quilting societies, not to mention the Junior League, and she had also done some research about the new open access channels and how they were allocated. "Well, I would say it's all about ratings, girls. You can upload one weekly episode of your show each week and they will broadcast your episode several times each week for 4 weeks, and ratings come out every week. If you are in the top 1000 shows, you get to produce a show for week 5, and as long as you stay in the top 1000. Otherwise, you are done. If you make the top 1000 for 6 months in a row, then you get one year of guaranteed program slots until you have to be rated again. So whatever we do has to find an audience and find it fast!"

Cornelia had some ideas, too. Clutching her old textbook to her breast, she said, "I have reviewed my extensive academic research materials, and I suggest we have to find a subject that not only will our audience like, but that we are passionate about and can stay interested in, so that we can really put our hearts and minds into the production and turn out a good show!" There was general agreement all around on that point.

Martha Diane continued "And it is my fiduciary duty to point out the financial aspects of this show, girls. If we get into the top 1000, we can begin to accept advertising. If we get a one year run, it could bring in significant revenue. The all access shovel ready programs in the top ten bring in several hundred thousand dollars a year!" The room was now all atwitter.

Lurleen had an opinion, and she always shared her opinions. "Well, right now I am passionate about a lack of passion! It was been so long since I have been wet between the legs that I forget what it's like! So I want to make a show about something that gets me hot."

Cornelia blurted out "I know what would get me hot! Seeing an actual hard dick around the house would be nice for a change, and I bet lots of other women like me want to see the same thing!"

Lurleen looked aghast. "I was thinking of something like "The Voice' where we have some sort of talent show, or a dating show like that old 'The Dating Game', but with the young kids today!"

Martha Diane drew in a big breath. "I know, I know! Let's combine all of those! It's a natural."

"What do you mean hon?"

"It's a game show with young men who come on and try to get dates with older women like us, who vote on which guy they would like to do them the most, basically voting on which guy has the best dick!" Martha Diane was really getting into this idea.

"Can we show their dicks on TV?"

"We can show anything on these new channels, hon. No censorship is allowed at all, but lots of the channels are about weird stuff like sex change operations and the joys of bestiality. I think some good ol' straight sex might get great ratings, plus think of all the delightful sights we will get to see on the set!" There was much nodding of heads at this, and a little bit of stroking of thighs, too.

"So it's not the 'Dating Game', it's the 'Dicking Game'?"

"We do have to come up with a catchy name." said Cornelia. "I highlighted the paragraph in my book about the best names being alliterative."

"I don't want no damn lesbian names. This should be about straight sex!" Lurleen stamped her foot.

"No, hon, it means that the words of the title start with the same letters or sounds, like 'Blues Brothers', or 'Dirty Dozen' or "Private Practice' or 'Cold Case'."

"Oh, I get it! How about 'Dream Dicks'?"

"Not bad. That would certainly get my attention!"

"My older sister used to say she liked to date guys that were 'swinging some lumber'!"

"That image makes me a little wet right now!"

"Wait a minute! I heard a commercial this morning for a discount wood floor company that sounded good!"

"What do wood floors have to do with this?"

"Nothin' really, cousin, just that the words of the name all started with the same sounds and it kind of stuck in my mind. Our show will be about women who get wet thinking about dating guys with big hard dicks, so how about we call it 'Liquid Lumber Daters'?"

"I like it. We should use that sound effect like Stern Howard does on MX, those wooden 'spronging' sounds like a vibrating piece of lumber that they play whenever someone is 'getting some wood'!"

Lurleen smiled. "Getting some vibrating lumber sounds pretty good to me right now!"

"I like it, too. Now, let's think about how the show should work." There followed a long discussion that was about what kind of hard dicks they would like to see, and about the mechanics of how the show should work. They did come up with a few ideas for the flow of the 'game show' that they would present, and some special themes for individual episodes. Assignments were made for the next meeting two days hence, and the creative juices began to flow, and perhaps some other juices in anticipation of filming the first episode.

Meanwhile, the boys were totally devoted to analyzing the upcoming college football season, and one aspect of it was really getting under Lurleen's skin. They had developed a strange man crush on the freshman QB that last year had knocked off the Supreme Team for their only loss. The boys had been following the threads on all 16 LA football fan sites they subscribed to about how The Tide should have recruited this kid out of Texas in the first place, and comparing his freshman offensive statistics to great Crimson Tide quarterbacks in history. Lurleen began calling him Johnny Mansmell, after Cornelia had explained the term 'jock sniffer' to her. When he won the Heisman trophy, things got even worse.

"Maybe that's our problem! Our men have become more interested in sniffin' jockstraps than our panties?"

"Well, maybe we can at least get them involved in the show by inviting some Tide football players to model jockstraps on camera!"

"They would all watch that, wouldn't they?"

"And maybe while they are watching jock A, we can be backstage playing with cock B!"

The Facebook page was bringing in lots of potential stars for their show, and even more ideas for skits and bits. The girls were pleasantly surprised at how many men willingly sent photos of their 'package' without asking, although they were a bit put off by a few Congressmen and state assemblymen who sent a new picture every day. They soon became expert at spotting photos that had been altered with Photoshop, but avidly shared what they called 'the real thing' when a particularly nice and un-retouched photo arrived.

They settled on some popular overall themes for their first four episodes: 'Lies and Statistics', 'High School Reunion', 'Hot versus Cold', and 'Football Versus Basketball', and began trying to finalize scripts, casting, and production design.

The first few weeks of pre-production work were hectic and very trying: learning to use the cameras and editing equipment, lighting, and scheduling were particular challenges for the erstwhile housewives, but they persevered. Since the first episode, 'Lies and Statistics', was intended to be partially factual, Lurleen suggested that they ape the style of their favorite newsmagazine of the air, the venerable "60 Minutes". They copied the lighting, the verbal style of the interviewers, the on screen graphics, and even the kind of chairs they used. She found two 'expert witnesses' for special segments of the first show. One was Dr. Crura Glans, a professor of Urology at Lower Alabama Medical Center, whose practice was limited to the penis; and Dr. Hyacintho Cetia, a very distinguished woman who was a lecturer in statistics at the Lower Alabama Osteopathic Medical College of the Nazarene, who would try to explain, in laymen's terms, the available statistical data on penis size.

The Sixty Minutes model also gave them the idea to have some repeating segments that viewers could anticipate and look forward to. Each of the women was given the assignment to come up with two segment ideas that they would be featured in on every other episode that went on air.

At the next Monday production meeting, a term Cornelia had cribbed from her old textbook; Lurleen was frantic when her turn came to present her idea. She had always been more of the executive type, not the creative type, and her idea seemed like just copying an old bit from a show when she was a little girl and just repackaging it on their team. She used love the old 'Gong Show' bit with the Unknown Comic who wore the brown paper bag over his head because his jokes were so bad. She came up with the idea because she did not actually want her face to appear on the show doing what she proposed. So she decided to be 'The Unknown Masseuse' who gave the contest winner a 'happy ending' bad hand job at the close of the show, with a paper bag over her head. She could do what she really wanted to – play with those big hard dicks – without anyone except the other girls on the show knowing who she really was.

She expected the idea to be shot down as lame, but the other girls all loved it. In fact they all wanted their turn, so they would rotate and each do one 'happy ending' on the winner of each weekly episode. They decided to make it the final segment using slow motion if required to stretch it out, so to speak, as long as was required to finish rolling the titles and credits over it. After they had settled on that as a recurring feature, Cornelia also came up with a sort of candid camera bit where she would pick out a guy at the mall that she would really like to check out, and then approach him, on camera, to talk him into coming on the show. There were several other promising ideas, but they just needed two bits for the first episode, which was due to start filming immediately.

They were worried that the husbands would tumble to the fact that something was going on, what with so many phone calls and packages arriving, and the girls going to so many 'women's club meetings" as they produced the show. But timing was everything, and spring football, with its famous climax, the Crimson versus White Spring Game had totally occupied the boy's minds, and they didn't notice what the girls were up to. The girls did notice that the boys weren't up for anything but football. In fact, the boys were beside themselves with worry: things had not gone well with the Supreme Team this spring. They had been worried by all the rumors about the offense during spring drills, and described the play in the spring game as 'sloppy' causing Lurleen to think wistfully of the last time she had been sloppy and got played with. There were six interceptions, and there could have been a lot more, as balls were bouncing all over the turf. The girls were determined to see some bouncing balls too, on their own chosen field of play.

The auditions and casting calls took on a strange tone, sort of like American Idol meets porn theater, and the girls all saw some very interesting sights every day. All four cameras and mikes were rolling almost all the time, not only portraying the contestant's anatomy, but 'human interest' interviews on their hometowns, girlfriends, and future aspirations. They discovered that a closed set was an absolute requirement, and the collection of 'groupies' outside the doors almost defied description. There were pleasant surprises as some entrants proved even more photogenic and interesting than their submitted photos or video clips had indicated, and abject terror when some proved to be much less appealing, or frankly so unbalanced as to be well beyond 'eccentric' and 'interesting' and into 'dangerous' territory. Lurleen's notes on what to do differently next week soon filled a notebook. Happily, the two experts chosen for the first episode proved to be very camera savvy, requiring few retakes and coming off very well, so to speak, leading the girls to consider making them regulars on the show.

Despite all their planning and enthusiasm, they still found it very difficult to put out the first show. They had to shoot hours of video to get minutes of air time, and the editing took forever. The first two days they were very picky about their footage, wanting to edit and reshoot and fiddle with it, but soon they were lowering their standards to just try to get enough minutes on the air to wrap a show. This made for herky jerky cuts, sloppy dialog, and a very uneven and amateur feel. This actually became their signature style, and may have been a factor in the show's appeal. They had little time to dally with the contestants, it taking all their efforts just to get enough footage each day.

After a final post production meeting, which Lurleen would later describe as a 'total bitch fest' marked by screaming, crying, recriminations and the refighting of several childhood feuds, they finally had their first episode in the can, with only a day to spare for the open upload window. They then had to quickly produce a three minute 'preview' which would first be uploaded in low resolution for a preliminary screening, and then if they received authorization, they would be given instructions to upload the entire episode. There was much celebration when they got word that they should bring their DVD to the local cable facility for uploading via their direct to fiber connection. Lurleen thought it was funny that they called this building their 'head end'.

As they finished the upload, the manager of the cable company introduced Lurleen and Cornelia to a very strange looking old man called 'Rowdy' Robert Redfern, and said he might be able to help them with certain aspects of promoting the show and maximizing their advertising and merchandizing income. Bob introduced himself and told them right up front that he had 'a checkered past'. As he explained his career, they found that was an understatement.

Rowdy was, many years ago, a Hollywood lawyer: went to Loyola, passed the bar and everything. He was not exactly on the major studio legal referral lists, though. In fact he was literally an ambulance chaser, and that was on a good day, when he specialized in traffic accidents of the rich. He developed another sideline; doing phony legal filings for less than reputable private investigators and their clients. He made up false divorce decrees to convince young girls that their lovers were leaving their wives, phony deeds to serve as collateral for loans, anything that was a cash and carry document that did not have to have his name on it.

He also had a hobby: photography, more specifically 'erotic' photography. This was in the days of film, there was no video, and no digital cameras and he had a very nice darkroom in his trailer. But his work didn't hang in fancy galleries: it was usually sold in truck stops, bookie joints, pachinko parlors, or to a very select mail order clientele. He discovered a lucrative niche: nudist photos and he specialized even more than that. While his competitors published magazines with titles like 'Sun Worshipper's Journal', and mixed in photos of older men and women to provide cover for the photos of the young stuff their customers really wanted to see, he went right to the heart of the matter with no diversions.

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