Lisa Ch. 06: Changes

"Your mom? Your mom worked on the car too?"

Angus sounded so incredulous that Jessica did a double take.

"Yeah ..." she said. "My brothers too. We'd all work on it ... it was a family project. And my mom was really good at it to."

Angus pictured the whole family in overalls poking around under a car. He shook his head. Her family seemed downright weird. Nice in an odd way, but weird. And then he remembered what Jim had told him and Riley about her parents and their parenting style.

"Is what Jim said true?" He asked. "Did your parents never say no to you?"

"That's true. They didn't believe in limiting us ..."

"Limiting you ... Christ ... Jessica, I hope you realize that there's a real good possibility that we'll say no to the racing, right? I'm pretty sure you've heard no from us enough times now ... but just to be clear, we may say no ... and if the vote goes in our favor you will have to listen."

Jessica nodded. She was sad to think about life without racing. Here at home especially, she'd been enjoying that so much. And she'd looked so forward to racing at the track. She assumed Jim, Josh and Scott intended to tell Riley and Angus about that at some point. But she didn't want to dwell on that instead she decided to follow-up on something in Angus' reaction that had piqued her curiosity. He'd seemed so surprised that her parents had been so supportive. It made her wonder about his parents.

"What were your parents like?" she asked, looking up at him.

"My parents?" Angus asked completely taken by surprise. "You want to know about my parents?"

"Yeah. Did they say no to you all the time?" Jessica asked beginning to think that it may be part of the reason Angus had been so angry. His parents and that woman, Beth.

Thinking of Beth, Jessica began to feel guilty. She remembered the conversation she and Riley had. She knew that she was eventually going to hurt him ... she was going to hurt all of them. Not physically. She hoped they wouldn't be physically hurt though she knew she couldn't be sure of that. But when she finally figured out how to avenge her parents, to get justice, she would do it. And that would hurt them.

"My parents ... " Angus began, picturing a fleeting image of the man and woman he had called mother and father for a short period of his life. He barely remembered them. But what he did remember wasn't all warm and cuddly like it would appear Jessica remembered her parents to be. What he did remember was a bitter old man and a sad middle aged woman who was too spineless to stand up for her children when the old man got into a rage and beat the crap out of them.

"My parents died when I was eight." Angus said.

"Oh, " Jessica said the word as if the death of his parents was breaking her heart. Silence hung in the air. Jessica sat with her head lowered. After a minute or two Angus tried to see around the hair that hung over her face but he couldn't. Finally he hooked her hair behind her ear. Her expression made his blood run cold.

She looked like she was about to cry.

"Jessica, what's wrong?" he demanded, tilting her face up by her chin.

"Did my family kill them?" she asked, her voice a whisper. "Is that why you hated me so much?"

"What? No ..." Angus wanted to tell her that he hadn't hated her. But it was too complicated for him to fathom how to explain. He'd hated what she'd represented ... not her personally.

While he grappled with his emotions and how to explain what they'd been in the past, Jessica looked relieved for a moment, and then almost as quickly looked sad again.

"So, then you were alone? At eight?" Jessica asked.

"No. Not alone. My older brother was ten when they died. Riley's parents took him and me in. But you're going to have to ask Riley about his folks. They're not really mine to discuss." No way was he going to be the one to tell her that Riley's dad was a son of a bitch with a God complex who treated Riley's mom like shit.

Nor the fact that many people in the clan believed that it may have been Riley's mom who had tipped the police off to their whereabouts on the day the cops had raided their hideaway. The day she'd been killed. The day, most of the men's family members had been arrested and eventually ended up in prison where none of them would survive.

"For the record ... my parents died in an unrelated incident. Neither sets of parents were the encouraging kind. And I didn't hate you. I hated what you represented. The distinction probably makes no difference to you, but it does to me." Angus said.

Angus let go of Jessica's chin to run his hand through his hair. Holy Christ, he'd been feeling more emotion in the past five minutes than he had in the past three years. It was painful. And what hurt even more was when Jessica closed her eyes and lowered her head. Something about the movement made it loud and clear to Angus that she didn't believe him.

"There is a difference Jessica!" he growled. God it hurt. It felt like someone had taken his heart in their hand and squeezed. But even this pain didn't prepare him for Jessica's next statement.

"Do you remember when I ... I ... shot Scott?" She said in a hushed voice.

"Jessica ..." Angus growled again. Could this get any worse? Yes, yes, he'd beaten the crap out of her. Words couldn't describe how awful he felt about that ... would there be anything he could do to wipe that from her memory?

Jessica looked up at him. "When I was in your room. I remember that you were speaking to someone on the phone. Someone named Beth."

Angus couldn't breathe. His eyes were glued to Jessica's and for some reason the look on her face reflected how he felt. Horrified, tortured, pained, broken. Why in God's name did she look like that? And why couldn't he say anything, do anything. Even just ask her to stop. He couldn't stand to see her like that and he couldn't stand to think or talk about Beth. Not with her.

"When you were on the phone ..." Jessica continued, "you looked ... destroyed. And you looked angry. You hated her ... and I saw that same look on your face when you looked at me. All the time. Angus ... what happened between you and Beth?"

Angus jerked back as if Jessica had electrified him.

Jessica brought her hand to his cheek. "Riley told me you were hurt by her. "

"Riley should keep his thoughts to himself!" Angus grumbled finally getting his mouth to work.

"He was afraid I'd hurt you too." Jessica said.

Angus exhaled. "Jessica, I really don't want to talk about Beth. Especially not with you. And it wasn't you I was seeing when I looked at you like that. I took the opportunity to get my anger at Beth out on you. I really didn't see you as you until recently. And I'm sorry for that."

They stared at each other. Jessica nodded.

"I believe you. But why do you not want to talk about Beth with me?" Jessica asked. "I thought we were friends now."

"We are Jess ... I don't want to talk about Beth with any of my friends. But you're a different kind of friend than Riley or the other guys. And Beth. She was a long time ago and a lot of things happened then that I'm not proud of. I don't want any more secrets between us but this just is not the kind of thing I want to discuss with the kind of friend you are ..."

Angus stopped talking. He couldn't explain it right.

At the mention of secrets, Jessica felt the guilt come back. She still had some. Meeting the neighbors, planning to race Ebony at the race track. Neither one of them were little. A shiver ran through her as she realized that either one of the secrets would likely cause both Riley and Angus to go back on their promises to not hurt her. She could see them beating her. And they would be really angry at Jim, Josh and Scott.

At the risk of being beaten she would tell Riley and Angus the truth. But much like the secret she'd kept about Jim's television, she didn't feel that they were her secrets to tell. Jim, Josh and Scott were supposed to keep her away from outsiders ... Jim, Josh and Scott were the ones who were with her when that rule was broken ... and they planned to break it again at the track.

She couldn't tell. She'd have to ask Jim, Josh and Scott to.

"Jessica, you look ... you seem to be thinking hard about something. Say something, please."

Jessica blinked. What was the last thing he'd said? Something about the kind of friend she was ... Jessica forced herself to smile. "The kind of friend I am?" She said trying to forget the guilt. "Do you mean a girlfriend?"

Angus nodded. "I guess, since I hear that you won't marry me." It was Jessica's turn to flinch. If not hurting Angus emotionally was the goal, she was failing. He sounded so sad.

"Sorry." She finally said. "I just don't think your definition of marriage is the same as mine."

"If you're using your parents as an example of marriage, then our definitions are not the same. You know, you keep referring to 'your parents'. Like they were one unit. Did they agree on the same things all the time?"

Jessica shook her head. "They disagreed a lot ... but eventually they'd come to an understanding."

"Funny. It was the same with my parents. My dad would say something, my mom would disagree, and my dad's backhand brought them to an understanding."

Jessica blinked. "Do you agree with that?"

Angus raised an eyebrow. "How did your parents reach an understanding?" he asked.

"They'd talk. Each had a point of view. Each would support their point of view. Eventually one would be persuaded to the other's side."

Angus stared at Jessica in astonishment. The more she spoke, the more it sounded like she was talking in another language. He'd always known that she'd come from another world. He just hadn't realized how vastly different it was from his own. Possessiveness swept over him. He needed her to acknowledge that she was living in his world. He was willing to alter it a little ... but he couldn't go so far as stepping into her world.

"And what would they do if they couldn't agree?" he asked. He sounded angry and it caught Jessica by surprise. She moved away from him so she could see him better. Angus took her by the shoulders and pulled her back against him. "This is your place. Don't move. What would your parents do? When they couldn't agree?"

Jessica raised her hand to Angus's face and smoothed her hand over his cheek, trying to wipe the anger away.

"They'd agree to disagree." She said.

"How exactly does that work in a marriage?" He asked, with a snicker, his tone incredulous.

Jessica shrugged. "It didn't happen often. But the few times it did ... they did their separate things."

"I don't know how to do that." Angus said.

"I know."

With those words, panic overwhelmed him. "So, if I got us married tonight, you wouldn't honor it?" He demanded.

"Angus ... you'd marry me against my will. How could I honor something I didn't agree to?" Jessica asked.

A flurry of emotions flitted across Angus' face. A distant memory of his mother yelling, 'I never wanted to marry you' at his father pushed him over the edge. Desperation brought the fight instinct out in him.

"You belong to me!" He bellowed, clutching her tight against him.

"I know ... I know ..." Jessica said rubbing his cheek harder ... faster. He was beginning to scare her. She'd never seen him look so lost. Despite being a grown man and incredibly strong, Jessica felt like she was in the presence of eight year old Angus. The little boy who was suddenly alone and scared and desperate. Jessica felt for that part of Angus and she wanted more than anything to help him heal so he could handle his emotions. Undoubtedly that boy overshadowed everything Angus did in life. "Angus ... Angus, look at me!" She said trying to get up on her knees and turn to him but he clutched her hard against him.

"Angus ... look at me!" Jessica repeated and finally Angus fastened his eyes on hers. "I know I belong to you. I'd really like to get up and hug you. Can you let me go please?"

Angus sat and stared at her for a minute without moving. Finally he began to calm down. A minute more and he loosened his bear hug. Jessica turned to push up on her knees next to him. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. He hugged her back. And then he pushed her back from him so he could see her face.

"So where does that leave us? Besides unmarried." he asked.

Jessica shrugged. "Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Doesn't that rely on the same principles as marriage?"

"Right. Maybe we're just a couple of people who belong to each other?"

"Maybe." He agreed. It was ridiculous. He'd never been crazy about marriage to begin with ... why he was making such a big deal about it was beyond him. And then he realized that while marriage was never a high priority to him, it may have been for Jessica at one time.

"Was ... was marriage something you wanted? In life, I mean." He asked.

"I assumed I'd get married at some point." She said. "But I hadn't really given it much thought."

He exhaled with relief, well at least they hadn't stolen that from her. Holy shit he was tired. All of the emotion had sucked the energy right out of him. But then a thought occurred to him.

"You're not willing to marry Jim either?" he asked. He knew she'd said no to Josh, Scott and Jim. But he wondered what she would have said if it had just been Jim who'd asked.

"No ..." she said but there had been a hesitation.

"You don't sound so sure."

"Why would you think that?"

"There's something different between you and Jim. Josh and Scott too, but Jim's different. Somehow Riley and I just can't ..." Angus paused. He closed his eyes. "We just can't catch up."

Jessica watched Angus until he opened his eyes. When he looked at her, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"You're right. There is something different. I don't think it's something that any of us can change overnight. I feel a little more ... free ... with them. But I love you all the same. And I don't want to marry any of you. Not even Jim."

Angus thought about that. Maybe she honestly didn't want to marry any of them but she did concede feeling differently around the other men. Somehow he and Riley had to fix that. "So what can Riley and I do to make you feel freer with us?"

Jessica looked into his searching eyes and then sat back to think.

Angus took her by the arms and pulled her closer to him. "I'm serious Jess. I'm asking you to tell me. What can we do?"

Jessica shrugged. "This was pretty good. Talking."

"You talk with them? About things like marriage?"

Jessica nodded.

"What else?"

Jessica nodded her head toward the side table. "Magazines are good. Reading them together."

"Okay. What else?"

"Um. We all love music. Do you sing or play an instrument?"

Angus shook his head. "I don't play squat and the last time I sang someone called the humane society. They wanted to help the poor cat that was being strangled." Angus added when Jessica looked confused. A huge smile swept across Jessica's face and she broke out into a fit of giggles. Angus couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Okay, forget music." She finally said between laughing fits.

"Good idea. What else?"

Jessica shrugged again. "Cards. We play games a lot. Do you want to play cards with us?"

"Sure. I don't know how though."

"That's okay. We can teach you."

Angus smiled. Riley had been right. That memory reminded him of their game earlier in the night, Jessica laughing so hard.

"What were you all laughing at earlier tonight. While you were playing cards?" he asked.

"Laughing?" Jessica asked trying to remember. "Oh yeah. Just a couple of lines from some TV shows we've watched. Well," she decided to clarify when Angus' face fell, "to be exact it was mostly Jim and I watching them and Josh and Scott watching them on their own. But it was still funny."

"What was so funny about them?"

"Well," Jessica said, beginning to giggle again, "There's this show called Seinfeld. The main character is a comedian and one of his jokes has to do with sneezing."

"Sneezing ..."

"Yeah ..." Jessica said getting more and more into the tale she patted him on his chest and pushed back for more room. "So he says, why is it that when people sneeze the custom is to say 'Bless You'? He thinks it would just be funnier to say something weird like, 'you're so good looking'. So when Jim sneezed, Josh, Scott and I said, 'you're so good looking' at the same time."

Angus looked at her, not sure that he liked that she'd moved away from him again, and not following why it would be funny to tell someone they were good looking when they sneezed. He shook his head. As far as her moving away from him, he had to get a grip. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted ... within reason, and he had to get back to that reality. "So that's why you were laughing so hard?"

"Well, that started it. Then we started talking about the masturba..." Jessica had been looking at Angus but just before her voice trailed off, her eyes seemed to really focus in on him. And a light pinkness spread across her face.

"Were you about to say masturbation?" he asked watching as a new wave of redness swept over her cheeks as she nodded.

"They made a comedy about masturbation?"

"It was one of the episodes. The three main characters bet who would go the longest without masturbating. One of them was out in less than ten minutes."

Angus was really not getting the humor in it.

"That wasn't the funniest part. What we were laughing at was that Scott and Jim said they figured I would've been out in less than a minute ... " Jessica's cheeks flamed red when Angus' stare intensified. "That was the funny part." She added. Looking down at Angus' stomach where her finger traced a line down his shirt from his chest to his waist.

Angus caught her finger in his hand and waited for Jessica to look up at him.

"You masturbate?" he asked.

Jessica nodded, and turned redder. "Scott taught me too."

"So you'd enjoy sex ... " Angus said. That was how he did it. "He's a fucking genius."

Jessica's face was flaming red but she was looking right at him. God, they had to change the topic and fast. This was so much like his fantasies ... he was going to lose control.

"I'd like to see that some time ..." Angus said. "I would really like to see that some time, but, not now, 'cause I promised both you and me that this would be a sex free night. And if I'm to keep my promise, this ..." he said raising her hand to his mouth and nipping her finger, "has to stop stroking down to my cock."

"Sorry ..." Jessica said with a giggle and tried to take her hand back, but Angus held on to it.

"Do you get embarrassed like this when you talk to Jim, Scott or Josh?" he asked, taking her hand with his up to her flushed cheek where he ran the backs of his fingers across it.

"A little, sometimes."

"With Riley?"

Jessica nodded.

"Is it because you don't feel as comfortable with us?"

"I guess. Subconsciously maybe. My body just kind of reacts."

"Hmmm. Well, I like it when your body reacts." Angus' fingers had found Jessica's lips and started tracing them. His body was starting to react. Shit ... he cleared his throat and dropped his hand.

"I was going to ask you about that joke ... the one you were too embarrassed to tell me when Riley and I came home the other day. But I'm guessing that based on the redness of your face at the time it had to do with sex. I still want to hear it ... soon. But tonight probably isn't the best idea ..."

Jessica nodded while stifling a yawn. Angus looked at his clock. It was one in the morning.

"Will you tell me later?" he asked.

Jessica nodded. "The others wanted to hear it too ... maybe I'll just tell you all at once."

"Sounds good. " he cleared his throat again. "So in order for Riley and I to make you more comfortable around us we should, talk with you, play cards, read magazines, and watch TV with you. Is that about right?"