Lisa's Frustration

A quiet moan escaped Lisa's lips. Or perhaps she pushed the moan out. She wasn't entirely sure. She was feeling pretty good, as the throes of lovemaking usually made her feel. As most people know, sex has different levels - ranging from banal to transformative. This was one of those middle of the road fucks...nothing special, but still pretty good. Actually, if Lisa was being honest with herself, her soul was set alight more by the fact that she was having sex rather than from the pleasure in the moment. That is, she had a partner, someone she'd known for years, who was familiar to her. And even if he wasn't the most skilled or adventurous lover, Lisa usually felt safe in Jason's arms. Sure, he took her for granted and sometimes could be cruel with his words, but she loved him, and she loved that he loved her.

As for her vocal emissions, they weren't disingenuous, but she was a bit tired and was more ready to fall asleep in Jason's arms than to continue thrusting her hips. There was also the fact that Lisa worried Jason would come inside of her, as she wasn't on birth control, and he only sometimes used condoms, preferring to pull out.

"Did you come?" Jason asked, as he often did.

"Yes," Lisa lied. She was feeling kind of sleepy but didn't want to be abrupt. She wanted her boyfriend to get his rocks off, at least. "Your turn," she said with a smirk.

"Can we do doggy style?" Jason asked her.

"Baby, I'm pretty tired," Lisa responded. "But I can jerk you off."

Jason looked at her funny. "A hand job?" He had gotten a little soft, had slipped out and rolled onto his back. "I don't know why you don't just get on the pill," he said to her with a slightly frustrated tone.

Here we go again, Lisa thought. As if getting on the pill were like putting on sunglasses. But she wasn't good at standing up for herself. "Well, you can wear a condom," she politely suggested.

Jason, too, seemed tired. Rather than argue he just sighed and said, "Yeah."

"Are you mad?" Lisa queried. She didn't want the night to end on a sour note.

Jason looked at her for a second, then looked down. "No."

"Do you want a blow job?" Lisa didn't feel like doing this either, but was hoping to avoid disappointing her boyfriend of seven years.

"Just forget it, I'm fine," Jason said. "I'm tired too. Guys don't always come either, you know." There was an acerbic tone in his voice.

These words hurt. Lisa's eyes welled up a bit but she tried to stay composed. She had always offered her body to him in a multitude of ways - just so long as he didn't come inside her pussy. Lisa feared getting pregnant. At the age of 24, in grad school, the last thing she needed was a pregnancy. Her parents hadn't even gone to college and she was terrified of anything so life-altering that would disrupt her personal and professional plans.

She had made this clear to Jason since the day they first met in person - also the first day they made love, back when they were still teenagers. Technically, they had met online, on a forum for gamers. Both were reclusive geeks and they found comfort in each others' words. Barely even adults at the time, Lisa moved to Jason's city for her undergraduate program. When they consummated their relationship, and lost their virginity to one another, this was her caveat: Come anywhere but in there. She offered her body as a repository: come on my face, on my tits, in my mouth. She reluctantly offered anal but to her relief he declined. She even offered a threesome, as a sort of compensation, but he turned that down, too - to her mild disappointment. But in the beginning, the sex - sex itself - was novel and fun. She loved having him inside her. Usually it was missionary...sometimes doggy. He didn't like having her on top even though that was her fastest way to orgasm. Something about feeling him all the way inside her, but also she felt more on display, her breasts gyrating. When she rode him like a cowgirl, she didn't feel like Lisa, the gamer geek who watched anime movies and drew pictures in her journal as if she were still a tween. She felt adult, dirty, depraved even...sometimes Lisa imagined she was simultaneously sucking another man's cock while she rode Jason's. She loved being on top.

But he didn't. He once told her it was too masculine for a girl - again leaving her in tears and ashamed. Although Jason apologized, he seemed to hold fast to the idea that sex was something the man did to the woman, but not vice versa. Which was ironic because she was usually the one initiating it, especially lately, and he was slow to show interest sometimes.

Essentially, many times Jason had left Lisa feeling ashamed not just for wanting sex, but for wanting to feel degraded and objectified. Lisa had often considered how odd this conflict was. But she understood their dynamic. When she met him she was nubile, innocent - and she remained pixie-like in her personality and appearance, petite and cute. If Jason wanted her to be forever a virgin, Lisa could accept this, as long as he loved her. She would play along, and her timid personality made that easy.

But this time, he was telling her that she failed him. Or that's how it sounded. Lisa got up and put on one of his t-shirts, that covered her down to below her ass. She went to the bathroom, walking quietly so as not to wake up her roommate, Alan.

In the bathroom, Lisa looked in the mirror, then broke down a little. She collected herself and splashed some cold water in her face. Taking a deep breath, she reached for the door knob and pulled open the door. Looking up, she was shocked to see her flatmate, Alan, standing right there.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed.

He looked just as shocked. "I didn't know you were in there," Alan said, laughing in the aftermath of the adrenaline rush.

Alan took a closer look at Lisa's face. Her eyes were red and damp. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Lisa stuttered a bit. "What? Of course, Yes, How are you?"

Alan calmly reached over and wiped a remaining tear from the corner of Lisa's eye. "Are you sure?" he pressed, concerned.

"Yes, thank you, I'm just, uh, I'm tired. I'd better get to bed."

Alan accepted this and went into the bathroom. Lisa approached her bedroom door. Before touching the knob, she paused. She looked down at her chest. Dammit, she thought. Her nipples were poking through the cotton t-shirt. Lisa paused a moment, but she could feel a tingle that wouldn't subside. She decided she'd let Jason fuck her from behind before going to sleep - as long as he pulled out to finish.

***

A week and a half passed since Jason's visit. He was back in his hometown now. They never did address the minor discomfort that night. The next morning, things were fine, and they hung out some more before he eventually went home. This was their dynamic. He'd find a way to make her feel small, but then he'd be cool again and she'd feel wanted again. Rinse and repeat.

Of course, if Jason had known about Lisa's random adventures, he would be pretty pissed off. If he knew that Lisa had partaken in an impromptu masturbation threesome with 41-year-old Alan and his younger friend Gabriel, for instance. Or that she had given a titilating massage to Alan's naked girlfriend at her request. What would Jason think if he knew of these transgressions? In neither case was Lisa even penetrated. But she was sure that Jason would think she was a slut. And in her moments of cognitive dissonance, Lisa thought that, for instance, although receiving the cum of two guys on one's tits and ass may seem slutty if someone told her about it, she didn't want to perceive herself this way, and she definitely didn't want Jason thinking that. Even if the "slutty" aspect was what turned her on the most.

Anyway, it was all too much. Plus the fact that she and Alan hadn't even really talked about their strange sexual moment since it happened. And his girlfriend Sophia, whom she'd massaged, well that fling between Alan and Sophia ended. He was already on to another girl.

Besides, she looked up to Alan and saw him as a friend. Or maybe like a much older big brother. Or a dad? He seemed like one of those cute dads in the movies, not a real dad. He was 41 but fairly fit, with classic Mediterranean good looks and a well-groomed beard. When he spoke to her, it resonated. That night when he wiped the tear away, Lisa felt...protected. As for the one night they masturbated together, well, that night, Lisa felt unbridled and free from judgment. Accepted for who she was in that moment. Maybe it sounded crazy, but isn't that what friends are for?

Lisa ruminated on these contradictions as she sat in class. Her mind wandered while her professor lectured. If Alan felt like a father to her, how could she have shared such an erotic moment with him? She didn't even like being in a bathing suit around her actual father, though she knew from photos that he was handsome as a younger, fitter man. Was Alan like a brother? She had never caught her older brother masturbating or anything like that. There was that one time, at the pool, when her mind drifted and she saw the outline of her brother's penis through his wet bathing suit. That as a long time ago, Lisa thought, and she remembered feeling strange for even looking, though it made her curious. She couldn't get the sight out of her mind and that night her hormones overcame her before bed. But she couldn't imagine actually seeing it, much less liking it, attached to her brother and all.

Just then, the professor said something interesting that brought Lisa back to the present. She realized that her mind had wandered, she had been staring at his crotch, his well-fit blue jeans. She looked back down to her notebook and thought, "Focus, Lisa. Stop thinking about Alan and penises." Her period had just ended yesterday, and her body felt flush with desire - including desire to do something deviant. She felt like she was crossing her legs every minute, such was her restlessness. Part of her imagined what it would be like if her professor took her right there, in front of everybody. It made her giggle to herself.

After class, Lisa went to the ladies room. In the stall, she removed her bra and put it in her small backpack. She had on a tight t-shirt featuring a unicorn. Normally, Lisa was not one to flaunt her body - she was shy and often felt embarrassed about it, even though her body was the envy of many of her friends and the desire of many others. Lisa's milky-white skin contrasted exotically with her jet black hair and brown eyes. She was petite in frame, with a round ass but slim hips, and her breasts were somewhat large for her frame. She usually hid them as best she could under sweaters and jackets. "Not today," she thought, as she took a deep breath and walked out of the stall. She walked home, enjoying the glances of others on campus and in the streets, and she could once again feel her nipples poking through her shirt, and a warm rush of blood to her cheeks and elsewhere.

When she got home, Lisa texted Jason from her bedroom.

"Hey - what are you up to?"

"Just chilling, watching TV," Jason replied.

Lisa closed the door to her room. She took a few selfies in her t-shirt with no bra, and flipped through them til she chose one that looked good. She sent it to Jason with a message: "Wanna play?"

From Jason, she saw the dreaded "Typing...." as he formulated his response. After a minute, the response appeared:

"What?"

Lisa realized she perhaps had been vague. Maybe he thought she meant playing a video game or something. They had never messed around online, neither on camera nor even on an audio call. So she pulled up her shirt, lay back on her bed, and took a photo of her tits, no face, and sent it, saying, "would you like to play around, for fun? On Skype or Zoom or whatever." She added a smiley face.

Her phone rang. It was Jason.

"Hi," she answered cheerfully, thinking maybe he just wanted to do the old-fashioned kind of phone sex.

"Are you nuts?" Jason asked in all seriousness.

"What? Why?"

"I'm not going online naked, and neither should you," Jason said rather sternly.

"Jason," Lisa said, her voice quavering a bit, "it would just be us two, we can create dummy accounts, no faces...anyway it was just an idea."

"Lisa," Jason said in a curt tone, "videos like that get leaked and posted all the time. And I have a tattoo. It's a really dumb idea."

Lisa's mood went from horny to upset in record time. "I'm sorry, I just thought it would be fun - "

Jason interrupted. "You have fun doing this stuff? Have you done it before? With those weirdos on the video game and anime forums?"

"Jason, I just missed you," Lisa insisted. "And no, of course I haven't." Besides, she thought, we were weirdos who met on those forums.

"Well it's perverted," Jason said. "And it's not fair to me that you're being like this while I'm not there."

"Being like what?" Lisa asked, tears in her eyes. "And you think I'm a pervert??"

Jason tried to walk back his words, but they were out there. He had drawn blood. Lisa hated this about him, though she loved him and couldn't bring herself to break up with him. She had tried many times.

Lisa listened as Jason went into a rambling answer. Their voices had calmed, but there was still a palpable tension between them.

Jason finally said, "I love you. I'll be there again this weekend."

Lisa, still crying a bit, said "Okay. I love you too."

Jason added, "Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Okay. I love you. Bye."

It wasn't a lie. She did love him. But in that moment she hated him a little. She felt a lump in her throat and a slight rush in blood pressure upon hanging up.

Lisa went out to the living room and sat on the sofa. For a long while she just sat, her mind racing a bit. She turned on the television but couldn't find anything engaging, and shut it off. Flipping around on her phone, she searched for some hentai porn out of boredom and a lingering horniness. She landed on one that was daddy/daughter themed, which she watched with degrees of both curiosity and shame. "It's just porn," she thought. Lisa put her hand down her yoga pants; she felt like she had been wet all day and her pussy tingled giddily at being touched. Since nobody was home, Lisa figured she could at least get herself off a bit right there in the living room. But she kept her clothes on just in case.

Ten minutes later, she was still lying on her back, rubbing her clit and watching the video. The daughter was just about to climb on top of her daddy after being spanked, and Lisa felt more flushed than ever. Just then she heard a key turn in the front door, down the hall. "Shit," she thought, and she hastily closed the window on her phone and pulled her hand from her yoga pants. It took her two or three attempts to close the porn window in her browser and the volume was loud enough, she thought, perhaps to be heard from the other side of the door.

Alan came in - he'd been on campus, working on a project. He went to the kitchen for a glass of water. "Hey Lisa," he said, with a happy smile. "How are tricks?"

Lisa thought about her answer. She decided to go with truth over expedience. She knew she could confide in Alan. "Okay...not great."

Alan looked up from the kitchen with concern. "What's wrong?" He came to the living room, sat down next to her, and set his water down on the table.

"Well, you know, the usual stuff with Jason," she told him, rolling her eyes and smiling a little so not to seem too distraught.

"You guys had a fight?"

"Kind of.. He...he made me feel stupid."

"Well, we both know you're not stupid," Alan said with a smile. "I'm sure it was just something he said in the moment, whatever it was, he couldn't have meant it."

Lisa nodded, looking at the glass of water on the table but not really seeing it. Thinking again about how ashamed Jason had made her feel - how he expected her to be some sort of virgin goddess, how he considered her desires slutty and depraved. She had a hard time reconciling her fantasies with his perceptions.

And what if Alan thought this too? She didn't want him to think of her badly. Yes, they had shared a moment some weeks back, with his friend. Group masturbation. Yes, it had been a bit wild. But something about it also seemed innocent, juvenile. Surely Alan didn't think less of her simply because she asked him to ejaculate on her body. Then she realized what an overwhelming and crazy thought that was to have. Maybe she was a whore.

"He always means what he says," Lisa replied, and tears started to stream down her cheeks. She reached up with her left hand to wipe them away, realizing she could smell her pussy on her fingers. She wondered what Alan could smell.

She continued. "He...I was sharing something intimate, and he called me perverted," Lisa sobbed. "He thinks I'm a pervert. I just feel dirty and cheap."

"Hey....hey. Listen to me," Alan said, grabbing her shoulders and turning her towards him. He reached for a tissue and handed it to her. "You're a fantastic young woman, Lisa, and you deserve to be treated like a princess. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. And trust me, we're all a little perverted and dirty," he quipped - half-quipped, anyway. "I know I am," he said in a deadpan tone.

Lisa looked up at Alan and smiled. Alan smiled back, caressing her short black hair. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. His lips seemed to stick to her forehead for a second before he completed the kiss. It was just a little kiss but it sent ocean waves through her body. She wasn't sure what to do, so she kissed his cheek and joked, "thank you...that means a lot to hear you're a pervert, too."

Their faces remained close for a moment. Alan chuckled, and said "You don't know the half of it."

Their eyes locked, the moment electric, Lisa replied with the only words she could come up with: "Oh, yeah?"

With a slight smirk garnishing his otherwise serious gaze, Alan said, "Yeah. I'm an incorrigible creep." Lisa giggled. She looked down, then back up, past his effeminate eyelashes and into his dark brown eyes.

Alan leaned in and gently kissed Lisa on the lips. It was a soft, tender kiss, at once sexual and platonic. Lisa felt as though by kissing her so, Alan was showing his complete acceptance and understanding of who she was - to the extent that he knew her, anyway.

But Lisa and Alan had never had contact like this. They had had a raw sexual moment, masturbating with his friend Gabriel. The only thing that had touched her then was their semen. It had been a personal moment but also an impersonal one - like those bukkake videos Lisa had seen and been curious about. This time, in her moment of vulnerability, Lisa felt a much different sexual rush. In this moment she wanted Alan to take her, yes, and even to objectify her. But she also wanted to crawl into his arms and feel safe.

Slightly overwhelmed by this confluence of desires, Lisa leaned in and hugged Alan's torso, and held the hug for a good long while, nestling her head into his chest.

Lisa stayed in that position for a while, and Alan caressed her hair, head, ears. Gravity eventually pulled her upper body down onto his lap, and she didn't fight it - nor did Alan. His fingers moved from her forehead, across her scalp, to her ears, behind her ears, and along the back of her neck.

She wasn't stupid - Lisa knew Alan was pushing boundaries a bit, while still staying within "limits." She didn't stop him. His hand ran down her spine. She shifted a bit; it felt good. That's when she was sure she could feel him too, his lap stiffening, pushing up into her.

Lisa wanted to go with the flow...so she kissed him where she was facing him, on the belly, and the rib cage, over his shirt. She gave him light, harmless kisses. His hand reached the smalls of her back, then ventured farther south. It lightly grazed the top of her ass. She let it, and arched her ass a bit, like a cat in heat. She knew how good it looked in shiny yoga pants.