All Comments on 'Lisa's Milk Problem Ch. 01 Version 02'

Not even 1/2 a story, FTDS!

@muskyboy chapter 2 is currently under review. I mentioned in the intro of the story. This is a slower rendition.

Same Anonymous as the preceding commenter. *course

Beginning a story by rattling off body measurements like they are sports stats is boring, lazy, and often not needed. Trust the readers to use their imaginations. If there are certain physical attributes you want to include, reveal them naturally in the course of storytelling.

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"Many longed for just one glance in their direction, a fleeting opportunity to strike up a conversation or even ask her out. But Lisa was preoccupied. A brief relationship had resulted in her becoming pregnant." You told us that she was uninterested in dating or a relationship, and then in the next breath said she was in a relationship. You're conflicting yourself and not making sense.

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"She was just surviving on heavy painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs." You repeated this exact sentence twice in different parts of the same paragraph.

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"It felt like discovering a missing piece of a puzzle." It didn't 'feel' like that. That's what actually happened. She didn't know why she couldn't breastfeed, and then the answer was finally discovered. "It was like she had been handed a crucial piece of information that had been kept from her for so long." It wasn't 'like' that. She actually did receive important new information. Not only that, but both of these sentences express the exact same thing and are in the same paragraph. Neither of them were needed, especially in the same paragraph as they currently stand.

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"Before Lisa could muster the courage to broach the subject, Jason's empathetic tone seemed to create a safe space for her. 'It's alright to share whatever's bothering you. I'm here to help,' he assured her. With a hesitant breath, Lisa finally found the strength to discuss her milk problem, a topic she had been so reluctant to broach with strangers." This makes zero sense. A person calls a lactation specialist to discuss lactation issues, and it is exceedingly likely that they are complete strangers. If she is the one that made the phone call to a lactation specialist because of her problems with lactating and she wasn't going to 'broach the subject,' just what exactly did she plan on taking about?

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I stopped reading there. This is sloppy, sloppy writing, even by Literotica standards. Errors like these take the reader out of the story, and they would have been easily found by a second set of eyes reading the story before you submitted it for posting. If this is your second version of this story, I can't imagine the mess the first one is. One star.

I loved it