Little Mermaid Ch. 04

"Now you," she'd said. Ariel had stared at her, too dazed to even understand what she meant. "I made you come, Ari, twice," she went on, blowing away a stray curl from her face. "Never mind thanking me, though. I loved it and I promise to do it again and again. But I have needs too, you know." She chuckled, then she kissed Ariel long and intensely on the mouth before sliding up until she sat astride the prone girl. She'd pushed her crotch forward, making her curly pubes touch Ariel's chin and lower lip. "Please, pretty please," she'd mumbled.

Ariel had tasted herself on the lips and tongue that kissed her. And now she smelled the spicy scent of the girl's pussy sliding its way up to her face. It should have abhorred her, and in a way it did, but not enough, maybe. Her heart was beating like a hammer; arousal washed over her, but there was fear too, deeper down. Was it fear of the unspeakable? Fear of failing? Just plain embarrassment? In the darkness of her bedroom a silhouette loomed over her; two thighs framing her face. There was panting too, and a cloud of mixed-up fragrances. Sweaty skin smothered her. It made her terrified mind dissolve until there was nothing left but to open her mouth and send her tongue out to explore. She found little stubbles, but beyond them was only weak, yielding flesh. She stiffened her tongue and made it sink into a mesh of wet, hot sponge.

"Higher," a distant voice hissed. She closed her mouth over a tiny nub, sucking on it. Maybe Carl had been almost there anyway, when Ariel's tongue touched her first. She must have been close indeed, because her thighs clamped down over her ears immediately, shutting out the howling sounds of her ecstasy.

***

For days, things felt unreal to Ariel. She didn't know if it was shame or just echoes of panic. Thank God, there was school. There were other people, there was the whole damn blessedly normal world in general to replace the turmoil. It chased off the confusion. It forced her to focus on real things, nice, concrete and predictable things like books and lectures. But in many other ways, things had changed. Like how she had to deal with girls. Up to now her biggest hang up had been with boys, knowing that with them everything was sexual. They only wanted one thing, even if they didn't want it with her. Every word and every grin or gesture had been about sex. Girls had never been like that, not even the girls at the parties Carl dragged her to, recently. Maybe she'd been naïve and blind, but they had been, well, décor to her, you know. You could have opinions about them, they could be stupid or sweet, ugly or pretty, bitchy or arrogant, but there had never been this, well, sexual innuendo. After understanding that their sexual agendas might not just concern boys, but maybe girls too, nothing was as it had been. She couldn't read them anymore. When the pretty brunette she shared a few classes with seemed to stare at her, she felt herself blushing. When some other girl complimented some other girl on a new blouse, she suspected deeper motives. Her world had gotten a new dimension she could have done without; it made it as hard to have small talk with girls as it had been with boys.

With Carl she couldn't talk about this. As a matter of fact, she couldn't talk about much with Carl. Everything had to be light and ironic around her; nothing was allowed to really matter. Whenever Ariel tried to find words for her inner turmoil, Carl shook her head or even lay a finger on her lips, saying, "Sssshh, girl, ssshh..." They were in bed having sex a lot, or whatever you might call it. They did it under the shower, in the kitchen or anywhere in the apartment, licking, fingering. Carl introduced her to toys, like vibrating dildos. Ariel refused at first, scared to have the big things prodding into her. Carl didn't seem to mind, engulfing her crotch with her big wide-open mouth until she came. Then she pushed the fat slick thing between her still shivering pussy lips, anyway, getting most of it in before Ariel was conscious enough to protest. They made out at parties, eating each other out in bathrooms. They drank a lot. Life was wonderful if you didn't think too much, Ariel told herself as she marveled at her fingers sinking into the girl's smoothly shaven pussy. It felt good not to think too much, she told herself while her tongue tip swirled around Carl's hot clit, her face pressed between the girl's strong thighs. Why bother? Carl liked her, didn't she? And she'd never felt so... carefree? Two ugly ducks helping each other survive.

Carl invited her to the rehearsal of a play she would be in. It was something Russian about three sisters; Carl was one of them. They'd rehearsed her lines in bed, Ariel reading the other parts. It was on a rainy afternoon that she stole into the university's theatre, sitting at the backrow not to disturb what was going on. On stage Carl was playing her part. Ariel recognized the words they had rehearsed, but she didn't recognize Carl. The girl on the stage was shy and soft spoken, moving like a childish girlie girl, giggling. She was acting and yet it seemed to be all her, which was strange, because in real life she wasn't at all like the girl she played. Ariel guessed this was what good acting was all about. As an actor you had to be able to be multiple persons, she guessed, so you could pick a role to play. It made her admire the girl on stage. At the same time, it made her feel uneasy. If there could be different Carls, maybe even more than two, did she live with the real one? Ariel shook her head. Why always think nonsense like this?

Afterwards they went for a beer. And another one. Carl introduced her to some of the other actors, two girls and a boy, or a man, really. He was also the director, a senior student. He was tall, stooping a bit to bring his face closer, a smiling face, well-suited to his smooth, bronze voice. 'He's acting!' a small voice insisted inside Ariel's mind. 'They're all actors.' Instinctively, she took a step back, and another as he followed. She was in a corner now; he put a hand against the wall over her head, throwing his shadow over her.

"Carl is very excited about you," he said. "And she's right, you got a lovely face... great eyes, you'd make a model, you know, or an actress. Ever thought about that?"

"Leave her fucking be, Robert Simic! She's mine!" a voice yelled; it was Carl's. She came closer and pushed the man away. "Don't fall for it, honey," she said. "It's his usual slimy routine, the fucking pervert." She turned a grim face towards the would-be director. He grinned, holding up his hands. "She doesn't roll that way, stupid. Are you blind?" Ariel stood behind Carl. She felt a bit dizzy from the beers, but mostly confused. Here were two people fighting over her? Two people deciding who she ought to be, what she should want, where she 'rolled?' It felt wrong, didn't it? It felt like all kinds of wrong: arrogant, patronizing, sexist even. She muttered and turned around, leaving the room. She was halfway to the exit when Carl overtook her, breathing hard from running. She held Ariel by her shoulders, her flushed face close. "Never run from that oaf," she said. "I got your back, honey. He's just another nobody asshole." Ariel watched her. Then she took the girl's hands off her shoulders.

"You don't understand me at all, do you?" she asked. "It's not just him I ran from, it's you as well. Maybe it's my fault for letting you boss me around all these weeks, but I don't need you to have my back, Carl. You don't own me, you don't decide who I am or where I roll. I have been played with enough. Why do you think I came here, a continent away from home? To be lied to and bullied and hurt again? You don't know me, who I am or what I want and don't want, because you never ask. You never ever ask me anything. You're as bad as all the others." Carl held her gaze, saying nothing. A reddish hue rose from her throat, darkening her freckles. Her hands returned, now cupping Ariel's glowing face.

"I... I'm sorry," she whispered. "You're right. Please forgive me. Don't leave me. You, you are so beautiful. I... I think I love you." Ariel didn't know where to look. The word No! screamed inside her skull. Not this, not again this fucking charade. She removed the girl's hands.

"Don't be cruel, Carl, not all this again," she said, hearing her own words as from a distance. "I trusted you not to lie to me." She turned and walked away.

***

Ariel just wandered around in the late afternoon's twilight, making a detour to allow the cool air to sooth her burning face. When she finally arrived at the apartment, Carl was already there, blocking the entrance. She said to please listen to her, it was all a misunderstanding. She truly loved Ariel and begged her to please listen. There were many 'pleases' and a lot of stuttered 'sorries.' It was all very unlike the brash, confident girl she knew. It made her feel even more embarrassed. Sitting down in the small kitchen, Ariel folded her hands around the mug of tea Carl had prepared, feeling the glow enter her skin.

"I like you," Ariel at last said, keeping her eyes on the steaming cup. "And I thank you for helping me, for giving me this place to stay and making me feel welcome. But I hate you too." She looked up, watching Carl's eyes widening. The girl started to say something, but Ariel stopped her. "You see," she interrupted, "I never did it with guys, because, you know, I'm too ugly, obviously; they despise me." She raised her hand to stop a protesting Carl. "At best they toy with me and my ugliness," she went on. "I don't know why, maybe to make them feel smug, scoring points with each other, you know? There was this boy... well, he said he loved me, and I believed him. Then he made a total fool out of me." Ariel felt her lips tremble. Carl was wise enough not to disturb the silence that followed. "I never did it with girls either," Ariel resumed. "I guess I'm ugly enough for that, but it just never came up, not where I lived. I don't think I'm a lesbian, Carl, not at all." She whispered the last words while reaching for Carl's arm as if apologizing.

"But...," Carl said, searching for Ariels averted gaze, "you seemed to love it, you were so..." Ariel shrugged.

"Yes," she said. "But I'm surprised you even noticed. You are so, well, so busy to get what you want..."

"Sorry," Carl muttered. "I'm just..."

"I know," Ariel interrupted. "It was great, in a way. It still is, I love to just hang on to you. You make everything easy and I needed someone like that. Like, you know, giving me a kick start in a strange place?" Carl smiled. "I should be the one to apologize," Ariel went on. "I obviously used you too."

"You're welcome, honey," Carl whispered, reaching out. A feeling of relief washed over Ariel. Not because anything had been solved; just the sheer act of talking seemed enough. It made her feel like an almost-drowned swimmer breaking the water's surface and taking in gulps of fresh air. It was all quite illogic, perhaps, but it felt real. Carl rounded the table and wrapped her arms around her, her mouth finding Ariel's. They kissed. "I love you anyway, girlfriend," Carl said when they stopped. Ariel groaned, giving her a push.