Little Sparrow

He comes back to his quarters after the ship has sailed out of the cove and into open waters. He sits at the desk and looks at me. I'm sitting in the chair he sat me in last night. He's pondering something. And he finally asks the question I always dread, "how did a girl come to be so highly educated?"

I used the same half-lie I've always used and I tell him my father was a schoolmaster and he recognized my intelligence and he educated me as much as possible my whole life. He seems to accept my practiced story.

"I went to speak with Ladyhawk again last night. I also spoke to each of the two men who kidnapped you as well. After talking to all of them, I believe you." He then asked "what did you learn about the Golden Hawk in your time aboard?"

And I tell him everything I had read and written. He's shocked at my retention and vast knowledge of the ships comings and goings for such a long period if time. Not just the two weeks I was aboard.

I see him thinking and I already think I know what he's going to ask me, so I tell him everything that conspired in the tent last night while I sat upon his knee, before he can even ask. I don't just tell him what was said and discussed, but also the implications of much of it. I use the information I'd learned on the Golden Hawk to flesh it out even further. His mouth is hanging fully open now. I think I may have told him something he didn't know, something important. I can just tell. I find him easy to read about half the time.

He leans back and stretches his long legs out and starts to smile at me. I'm frightened and excited. I would do anything to get that smile aimed at me again. And again. It's devastating. I'm also sure I already know what he's smiling about.

I say to him "I only have this one dress. If I'm going to be with as you receive visitors, as your unsuspected living journal of all the exchanged information, I'll need more clothing and I really need shoes."

He is speechless all over again. I chuckle a little and then I stop and stare at the floor. I'm pushing him too far when I laugh at him. How stupid, especially after I just worked so hard to prove that I'm smart.

"We will be at our destination tomorrow. I'm planning on having two meetings, here in my cabin. My guests will believe that you're in my room because you've been warming my bed. They shouldn't suspect you're listening intently for my benefit. I won't be able to procure new clothing for you before then, I'm sorry. These meetings could change much for me. It's extremely important and I need all the help I can get."

Whatever this was, it was something he felt strongly about. I was living on his good graces, so of course I planned on helping him in any way possible. Besides, he seemed to just be vulnerable with me. I really want to help him. Because I wasn't confused enough before, now I'm also developing an emotional attachment. I was a glutton for punishment in every way. This won't end well.

The next day we arrived at the mouth of a river or inlet, and there was nothing around. No port or settlement, no other ships. But I was allowed on deck, as long as I wore my cloak over the satiny gown I had on underneath it. The men ignored me, so I enjoyed the sun on my face and the fresh air. I looked at the shore and thought of home.

From behind me, I heard his deep voice, startling me out of my musing. "I hope you're not thinking of jumping ship, little bird."

I stayed at the rail, looking at the land, but I answered him, "I have no wish to drown, Captain Balthazar."

He stepped to the rail and stood beside me gazing ahead. He was silent as I peered up at his profile. It was as perfect as every other angle. My desire for this man was so strong. I wanted to push my body up against his in the night. I wanted to feel those huge arms around me. He didn't seem to feel the same way. Which, really was for the best, I knew.

He finally broke the spell I was under and he said, "if they are to believe you are my bed mate, you can't call me Captain Balthazar. When we are in the cabin, call me Robert, if you must address me by name. Try not to use that name either, if possible. I need you to look like you're not paying attention. Draw as little focus to yourself as possible. Your beauty makes that difficult, I'm sure, but try."

He thought I was beautiful! It was literally the least important thing he had said, but it still made my heart sing. I nodded to acknowledge his instructions. I mumbled "Robert" to myself. I liked that. Robert was this man beside me. Captain Balthazar was the feared pirate that terrorized the coast. He was two different people, just like me.

He sent me back to his cabin then, saying the visitors would be arriving shortly. I went back and I wished I had needlework or mending to do. It would keep my hands busy and make me look like I wasn't paying attention to their conversation. I considered reading a book of poems he had near his bed, but I didn't want them to know I could read.

I finally crawled up into the giant bed and lay facing the wall. I'd pretend that I was napping or laying about after a tumble with Robert. I needed to be careful not to get caught up in my fantasies about him tumbling me and lose track of what was being said. I needed to pay very close attention.

I heard the sound of several sets of heavy footsteps nearing the cabin. Balthazar entered and brought in three men that weren't from the crew. I rolled to look at him, like a lover would when their love had just returned to them. But I actually wanted a good look at the men to help me remember who was saying what.

He seated the men at the table and he leaned over and put his face right by mine. He said "the one in grey is the one you need to listen closely to" in a whisper and then he kissed my cheek, to sell the lover story. I smiled my best seductive smile and nodded once as the other men looked on.

Balthazar sat in his big chair near his desk and started talking with the men. One of the men kept looking towards me and Balthazar addressed it. "I know my little sparrow is beautiful, but I'll ask you just once to stop looking at her, Stone." His tone was unmistakably threatening.

The meeting preceded and not one of those three men even dared to look my way again. They concluded their business and Balthazar escorted them out. He came back alone, shortly thereafter.

"Did you understand what we were talking about, little sparrow?" He asked as he shuffled papers at his desk.

"I did. They've been dishonest with you about many previous business dealings and they are now quite desperate to repair the damage because they need your help." I sat on the edge of the bed as I said it. "Their desperation is suspicious to me." He hadn't asked my opinion, but I knew it would help him realize I understood the conversation as well as the undercurrent of meaning.

He looked up. "It's suspicious to me, as well. They seem a little too willing to beg, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes. Mr. Stone is untrustworthy. Mr. Johnston didn't seem to know what all was happening, to be honest. However, Mr. Salazar is much more dangerous than he appears. He's the one I would be most cautious of."

He looked at me, pondering. He stared into my eyes and then be nodded. "Yes, bird, that is exactly right. Salazar is dangerous, very much so. During my next meeting, that will be one of the topics we discuss. I'm glad you are following everything. Thank you."

I flushed at his praise and his thankfulness. He kept looking at me. It was unnerving and exciting. My mixed emotions about this man continued to swirl inside me. He turned back to his desk and read through several letters. He studied his papers until there was a knock at the cabin door.

Balthazar stood, straightened his doublet and answered the door. One of the crew stood there with one large stranger. They exchanged terse greetings. I snuggled back into the bed to revive my bed mate performance. Balthazar sat with the man at the table and began discussing much.

This meeting stretched into the night until the dawn light peeked through the small window by his desk. They stood, made their farewells and then the visitor left the cabin. Balthazar looked exhausted. He turned to me "I need sleep, as do you. Will you remember everything to discuss it later, if we sleep now?" I nodded.

He sat on the bed and pulled his giant boots off. He took off his doublet, hung it on the back of his chair and then he climbed into the big bed. He laid on his back with his eyes closed.

"Was that your father?" I couldn't contain my curiosity.

His eyes opened, but he stared at the ceiling. He took in and then let out a huge breath. "He's my uncle. He and my father were twins. Now, get some sleep Winnie." This conservation was over.

Several weeks passed and we seemed to be sailing up and down the same stretch of the coast, over and over. The water was mostly calm here, so I didn't mind, but it reminded of pacing the floor with worry. We had discussed his meetings and he asked my opinion about a lot of it. He seemed to accept my counsel, and he wrote many letters. At night he studied his charts.

I slept in his bed every night and we would talk, about the ship, the weather, the crew. He even asked about my home and work in Bridgeport. But he never seemed to be interested in anything else. He never even tried to kiss me, or touch me. He felt no attraction to me, that was obvious.

I was so glad this giant hadn't decided to use me as his actual bed mate. I was disappointed at the same time. My feelings for him we growing. I had learned about Robert, the man behind the legend. He told me about his uncle, his father and some parts of his past. I learned about the pirate Balthazar, and his desire for success. The more I learned, the more I wanted him. The more I understood his two sides, the more I feared the future. His future and mine.

We sailed into a small port and anchored in the deep bay. The crew bustled about and Balthazar came to his cabin and called his crew to bring him a bath. They brought a large wooden tub and hot water buckets. He had to stand in it, as it wasn't nearly large enough for his huge frame. He stood there, nude, and washed himself from head to toe. I watched, while trying to look like I wasn't.

He stepped out and started dressing in finery, unlike I'd ever seen him wear. He told me he was going to shore and he'd be back later. He said if everything went well tonight, I might be accompanying him to a dinner party the next night. I wished him luck.

As he was leaving, looking like a giant nobleman, he stopped by the door and looked at me. "You can use the bath if you'd like. It's still quite warm. You'll actually fit in it." Then he was gone.

I climbed off the bed and put my hand in the water. It was warm. I couldn't resist. I stripped and sank into the tub. I washed my hair and my whole body. It felt incredible. Thoughts of his naked body in this same water leapt into my mind. I was so aroused.

But the warmth of the water wouldn't last. I stood and dried off my upper body and torso and then I stepped out. I dried my lower legs and feet before I dripped everywhere. I bent over at the waist and draped the cloth over my head and dried my hair. I stood up straight and flipped my long, wet hair back over my shoulders.

When I opened my eyes, I froze. Balthazar was standing there. He was staring at my naked body. My aroused, damp, naked body. His mouth was slightly open and it felt like hours went by before I could scramble to cover myself. I turned away, ashamed and terrified. He stepped to the desk, picked up a letter he had forgotten and then he left.

I sank to the floor and wept. It was all over. He knew my secret and tonight was the night I would be killed because of it. I cried for so long, my thick hair was almost dry and I was freezing. I slipped my knee length shift on and held the one dress I owned against my body and started to cry even harder. I hated this dress. I hated myself.

I sat on the floor, as far back into the corner by the stove as I could. I cried on and off all night, still clutching the amber colored satin gown to my chest. I cried myself to sleep in the corner, eventually.

I awoke as a huge dark form picked me up off the floor. I kept my eyes closed. He carried me to the bed and set me down in it. He undressed himself and crawled in beside me, in the inky darkness. I laid as still as possible and my tears started again. He pulled the warm covers over both of us.

"Don't cry, little bird" he said it so softly. I cried harder.

What was he going to do to me? I was terrified and numb, all at once. I wished he would just kill me and get it over with. "It's alright, bird. Don't worry." He sounded sincere. I still cried.

"Why were you sleeping on the floor?" he asked it so gently.

I answered him honestly, "I figured you wouldn't want a freak in your bed."

"You are not a freak, little sparrow." He was quiet for a while. "What is your real name? I'm assuming it's not Winifred." He was so calm.

"No. It's not Winifred." I sniffed and tried to dry my eyes in the dark. "My name is Frederick."

"That doesn't fit you. I like Winifred better. It was a good choice."

Why was he being so nice? I waited for him to get angry. He didn't. He just asked more questions.

"Why do you live as a woman?" He seemed so genuine.

"Everyone thought I was a girl when I was a child. I was always tiny and fair of face. I felt like a girl most of the time." I wanted to explain, but I just didn't want to say more right now. I was so tired and frightened.

I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to explain myself. My mother was barely five feet tall. My father was a small man, too. He was only three or four inches over five feet. He worked up in the rigging on ships because he could climb fast, fit anywhere. He'd sailed the world before I was born.

I was a tiny child and my golden eyes, pale skin and black hair captivated anyone we met. My mother got tired of correcting everyone when they told her what a pretty little girl she had. What a beauty I would surely grow into. Unless they were close friends, she didn't feel the need to explain that I was a boy.

Both of my parents died when I was eight. A fever raged through Bridgeport that summer and my parents had both succumbed. I lived with my elderly grandmother after that. She saw how much I struggled with my peers. She made me a dress for my birthday. I put it on and I finally felt like I was happy. I lived as a girl after that. She died when I was fifteen. I'd been supporting myself since then.

I'd been extremely smart my whole life. My father did teach me to read and write when I was very small. My grandmother worked for the schoolmaster, as a cook. I would go with her during the day and he noticed me in the kitchen reading. Once he figured out how intelligent I was, he taught me everything he could. He was fascinated by my ability to learn and retain everything. He told me I was the smartest student he'd even encountered. He felt that a girl with the capacity to learn, should be taught regardless of her gender.

Before I was kidnapped I had started to notice a shadow on my lip in certain light. I knew my body would catch up and betray me eventually. My father had almost no facial hair, due to his mixed heritage. He was half Chinese, which is where I got my white skin and black hair. But my maleness was catching up to me now, as I neared my twentieth year. Soon I would start to look more like a man.

For the first time in my adult life, I had been found out. This man had received me as a gift. A beautiful young woman to warm his bed. He wasn't attracted to me anyway, but now, he knew my secret. He would surely kill me for my lie.

He wouldn't be able to let my secret spread amongst the crew without embarrassment. I'd been living in his cabin with him for almost a month. His crew would think he was using me as his girly boy and they would judge him. He was practically honor bound to murder me before he was thought to be weak.

Caught up in my memories, I drifted away in the darkness.

I'm the early morning light, I rolled over and found the mountain of dark handsomeness still laying beside me. He was awake, staring right at me. I froze. His hand reached for my face and he touched my smooth skin on my cheek.

"You are so beautiful, little sparrow. I brought you a gift." It was the last two things I ever expected him to say. He rolled over and got out of the bed. He padded across the floor and picked up a large parcel, wrapped in paper. He sat it on the bed and stepped back, looking expectant.

I crawled to the parcel and looked up at him. He nodded and smiled sweetly at me. I pulled the string that tied the package and I pulled the paper open. There, before me, was a huge pile of new clothes. Right on top was a midnight blue gown. It was incredibly detailed and well made, I could tell before I even touched it. I looked back up at him with wide eyes.

"It should all fit you. I had sent my uncle to meet the tailor here after he came to the Calypso. I had the dresses made for you. The shoes too. We can get a seamstress if the dresses need fitting."

Why was this man being so kind? Why didn't he just throw all of this overboard after he'd seen me standing there, naked with an erect penis, in his cabin the evening before?

"I was able to buy a few things the tailor had made for someone else, that had never come back for them. Those things are underneath." He sounded almost shy when he said it.

I lifted the pile and pulled out the lightweight wool item from the bottom. I picked it up and found that it was a set of men's clothing. A pair of trousers and a matching waistcoat and a wool cut away coat. There was a pair of small men's shoes and hose, as well. I looked up at him, speechless.

"I knew you needed clothes, but I didn't know what you'd want. I wanted to surprise you. Do you like it? Any of it?" He looked so honest and kind.

I finally found my voice, "I love it. All of it. I've never owned men's clothing before. But why, why did you buy me all of this?"

"You need it. I just said that." He was avoiding my real question. He must have seen my skepticism, because he continued, "I had already ordered the dresses. Besides, I think you probably prefer to dress in them. I bought the suit, just in case you needed it. Maybe, as a disguise, for some of my meetings ashore, when bringing a woman wouldn't be appropriate."

He still wanted my help? He thought of men's clothing as a disguise? My head spun with all the implications of what he was saying. It was like he was accepting me, like I am.

"Can I call you something else, besides Winnie or Winifred?"

"Do you want to call me Frederick?" I said it, not like an invitation, but as a real question that I was shocked to be asking. I hated that name. I'd pick a different boys name if I had to. Never Frederick.

"No, I told you last night that doesn't fit you. I was thinking something that could be a girls name or a boys name. Something that fits you, all of you."

I nearly cried. He seemed to be accepting me. Both of me. The one version of me that is a combination of both of my sides. I wanted him to give me a new name, badly, all of sudden. I nodded. I looked at the pile of beautiful things and my tears started to fall.

"Please don't cry, little bird. Wait! That's it! You should be Sparrow. My little bird, Sparrow." He said that last sentence like he was testing the name. He smiled, like he was proud of himself.

I loved it. Especially when he said "MY little bird", like he wasn't sickened by me. I wanted to be his Sparrow more than I'd ever wanted anything else.

"Sparrow." I said it out loud, testing it myself. I focused on his gorgeous face and I smiled a shy smile and I said, "I think it's perfect. Sparrow." I smiled a little bit bigger at him as I said the name.