LJ's Story

As time passed by and my heart began to slowly heal over Brittany, I started having all these gnawing questions inside me once more. What was I? Was I a lesbian? A dyke as they, so rudely, called them? Was I bisexual? Was this a phase? If it wasn't how would I know? If it wasn't, what was going to happen to me?

I had seen some of the harassment going on at school with even the slightest of pretexts or rumors. You must remember that these were the 90s and although society was beginning to acquaint itself with issues of homosexuality, openly exposing one's self to the public was still a thorny issue. This was especially true in the unforgiving world of teen peer pressure, where, even wearing the wrong clothing could brandish you as a freak or an outcast.

And although my body was screaming to me that, hey girlie, I like boobies and booty, my mind was still trying to square the circle. In the end, bowing to public demand from friends and family alike (why aren't you dating anyone?), I decided to give boys a chance. There was this guy, a speed skater, whose name was Friedrich, probably of German origin, whom we all called Fred for short. He was tall, taller than me (thank God), blonde with blue eyes and exceptionally well built. He readily agreed on a date with me, so I had no other option but to follow through.

I half-heartedly went through the notions of primping myself up for our Saturday evening date. I say evening date, because I was on a strict eleven PM curfew at home. Return back a minute later and I risked being grounded for the next two weeks.

We met with Fred at an uptown mall and proceeded from there. He was indeed quite handsome to look at and I knew that many of my girl palls from school would happily knife me in the back to take my place. His looks were, in fact, just fine; he looked like one of those Arian poster children straight out of a Nazi propaganda leaflet of the thirties. Now, don't get me wrong here, if you were into males he was eye candy. For me though his looks didn't ring any bells. I had to mentally stop comparing him with Brittany if I was to give him a fair chance.

As the evening wore on though, other alarm bells started going off. You see, Mr. Fred had a very haughty self-image and he thought that I, not only should be in awe of his presence, but I should also feel honored and privileged to be breathing the same air as he was. Had it been only that, it would have been the source of a few laughs and giggles over gossip with my palls. Against my better judgment, I decided to play along when he suggested that we take a walk in the park, even though the weather was quite frosty outside. When his body language suggested a kiss I went with it; after all this was the main reason I had agreed on going on a date in the first place. I wanted to see if boys did anything for me. Fred was a sloppy kisser using too much tongue and too much jaw power. His kissing was rough and it did absolutely nothing for me.

Then, I felt his hand grope for my tits through my woolen sweater. His handling was much too brutish and he was actually hurting me instead of pleasuring me. What really nauseated me though was when he tried to go for my bits under my skirt. Thankfully, I not only wore a pantyhose, but I had a leotard underneath. Enough was enough. I pushed him away forcefully.

"Fred, NO, means, NO!"

"What? Am I not good enough for you, you cold hearted dyke? Perhaps if I was your blonde little fairy from the pool, then you would have liked it better, huh?"

"What? What are you talking about you jerk? I'm not a dyke and she was my friend you brainless asshole!"

"Yeah right! Friend my ass Jen. We've all heard the rumors you know, I went out with you just to see if they were true. Well I guess we'll all know now!"

Loosening his grip, I fled the scene and ran. Hot tears were streaming down my face and sobs were wracking my chest. After running for a bit, I collapsed on the sidewalk; hugging my knees I just let the dam burst.

"Are you alright Miss?"

"Yes...yes...I'm fine...fine...thank you."

"Would you like me to walk you someplace? Would you like me to take you to a phone?"

"No...no...Thank you...Thanks a lot...My house is really just nearby."

The exchange with the patrol officer immediately shook me up. I composed myself, wiped my eyes and nose as best as I could and walked home. I hoped to God that my parents wouldn't be waiting for me in the living room because I knew I was probably a walking wreck; my makeup must have been all over my face, my clothes were disheveled and dirty and I couldn't stop shaking.

Fate, for the first time that night, smiled kindly upon me and my parents were in the family room watching a movie. That allowed me to yell a quick "I'm back you guys" and rush to my room to change and clean up. Although considerably relieved to be within the confines of my room, I still couldn't stop shaking.

"Hey there baby. So how was your date?"

Startled, I nearly jumped to the ceiling. It was just my mom checking on me.

"Oh...hi mom. Yeah it was OK."

"Which means it wasn't. Are you OK? You look like a ghost...and you're...you're shivering! Jennifer? What happened?"

"The date was OK mom, nothing for the books but it was fine."

"What happened to your clothes? And why are your eyes all red? Have you been crying?"

That's when I lost it and broke down in wracking sobs. My mom, God bless her for that, had the decency to close the door and sit me on the bed. There, she held me in her arms like she would a baby and slowly soothed my aching heart.

"Thanks for that...I really needed a hug..."

"Anytime baby, you know we love you and we're always here for you. You're still our baby girl you know...if you want to talk, privately if...you know...you're embarrassed of your father, I'm here for you. Whenever you want..."

I let out a large sigh. Well, I'd better get this out of my system now that it was still raw. Summoning my courage I started my narrative.

"...we went out with Fred, the guy on the speed skating team. At first he was all nice and courteous...he was OK but I wasn't really into him...just not interested. He suggested that we take a walk in the park and I went with it...he..."

"shhhhhh...it's alright honey...it's alright...ssssshhhhh..."

My mom shushed and held me like she would if I was a small infant seeking solace and comfort.

"...he kissed me...rather roughly. It was gross and I didn't really like it...he...he groped my...my chest and he tried to get his hands beneath my skirt...I was wearing a pantyhose and a leotard so he didn't do anything...I pushed him away...he called me several names as he held my arm...I managed to ran away...and now I'm here."

"Oh dear...that's just terrible! We should press charges against him!"

"No mom...please...please don't...please...It's already terrible as it is. Please let's not have the whole town know about this! He didn't do any real harm, he was just being a jerk. I'd just like to put this behind me..."

"I don't know...I'll discuss this with your father..."

"Mom? Can we keep this a secret? Between the two of us? Dad will flip if he learns of this. He'll have a bodyguard for all I know shadowing my every move...Listen...If I have any more trouble from him I'll let you know first thing...I promise...Can we just forget about it for now?"

Mom smiled wanly and held me tight.

"If that's what you want dear, then yes, it will be our secret...for now..."

Thankful for her comfort and relieved by our cathartic discussion, I went to my bed and slept the sleep of the dead. The good thing was that I woke up on Sunday feeling much better and refreshed. My parents had taken Elisabeth with them and left for mass; this was exceedingly rare. Usually my mother would wake me up and ask me if I wanted to join them. But today they had let me sleep right through.

Being on my own, I started to think some things through. The dating issue had gone disastrously wrong, true, but the thing is that even looking at Fred, who was by all standards quite handsome, didn't do anything for me. What I needed, was more information. I had to know more.

Taking advantage of my home alone time, I fired up the PC and started looking. After many false leads, I stumbled on a page called "Young Lesbians Support Forum". "This site is for females ONLY, if you're not a female LEAVE NOW. If you use a fake identity and we find out, we WILL go after you. You have been warned" read the disclaimer. Curious, I clicked myself in. There were all manners of discussion threads and a plethora of information tabs which I started to delve into. Hearing our car reach the driveway, I quickly bookmarked the page for further reference and shut down the computer. This looked like a promising start in my hunt for knowledge.

A couple of weeks passed by and one day, as I was swapping bags at my locker a group of ice hockey jocks passed by. Their presence didn't actually register, but when I turned to leave I heard, just barely within my hearing range, the word "dyke" followed by raucous laughter. The icy talons of fear dug deep within me; I had to mentally force myself to keep walking and just ignore them. Come on Jennifer, they're just being jerks, so OK Fred, that royal jack ass was probably true to his word and spread his filth. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you angry or hurt. Just leave the scene and think about this later.

Thankfully, I was able to heed the rational part of my brain and suppressing my hurt and anger I didn't respond. Although the next few days I heard a few nasty words flying behind my back, managing to keep my cool helped to diffuse the situation. That and of course my six feet of height dissuaded any would be provocateurs from confronting me directly. Behind my studied calm however, I was scared and scared shitless to be precise. My information queries on our home PC more and more confirmed what I felt inside. This was not a phase for me and I was in fact, in all likelihood a lesbian. That and of course the fact, that all my masturbating fantasies were filled with me doing things to other girls, or vice versa.

Troubles & Loose Ends

These masturbating fantasies were the cause of an extremely harrowing episode that nearly sent my world crashing. During my senior year, I had gotten all chummy with a user of that forum and she had started sending via email or ICQ file transfer, images of lesbian erotica. These were not your usual male lesbian porn crap but rather they were high quality scans of female erotic photography. I was usually very careful with these and made sure that I was home alone when I perused them.

On this particular incident however, I was horny as hell and sent all caution to the wind; I would do it right there and then, smack on the chair. In front of me, was the black and white image of a beautiful woman; she was wearing a sheer spaghetti-strap top through which her nipples could be seen poking. Her eyes were closed and her mouth had a slight "O" shape. Her left hand slightly squeezed her voluptuous breast while her right hand was underneath her matching panties. This image bought back so many memories of our first night with Brittany but it also caused a wave of hornyness that made me twitch on the chair.

The door to the family room was slightly ajar and my parents were down stairs watching a film on the living room TV. My sister Elisabeth was out for the night. My mind screamed at me to stop what I was doing, switch off the PC and go wherever else and take care of things. But the image being projected on the seventeen inch screen beckoned to me like the sirens did to Ulysses. One hand went beneath my T-shirt squeezing my braless tit. The other went below my sweat pants, underneath my panties and right smack into my incredibly soaked slit.

Like a possessed person, my hand went into a frenzy; my clit felt like it was an itch which begged to be scratched. I arched my back on the swivel chair and my legs stretched out in anticipation of a much needed orgasm.

"Jennifer? What's going on here?"

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! It was my father. Thankfully, after the initial shock of having witnessed his daughter going to town in front of a semi-nude woman passed, he had the decency to wordlessly leave the room. Oh my GOD!! I want the earth to open up and swallow me NOW! Panic set in and I could feel my hands shaking as I desperately tried to shut down the damned thing. After that, I rushed into the bathroom, washed my hands and then changed into a clean set of panties. Just as I had finished with that, I heard my mother come in the room and close the door behind her. Oh God...here it comes, I thought.

"Jennifer? Is there something you wish to tell me dear?"

"Mom, this is embarrassing beyond words..."

"Well, your father is pretty shocked right now so if you could enlighten me...I heard his version of the story...I'd like to hear yours now."

"Well...I...I...ummm...Dad caught me with my hands down my pants...I..."

Hot tears of shame were streaming down my face now as my head drooped.

"Honey, I'm not talking about that. Masturbating is perfectly normal and it's all part of life and growing up as a healthy teenager. It's what you were watching that I'd like you to elaborate on."

"I...it was an image of a woman..."

"I know that honey...Is there something else I should know about?"

"I...it...it was...I was just curious...it was nothing...I promise I'll never do anything like that again."

"Dearest, I will not lie to you. Your father was shocked to see you like that. He...It's not so much what you did but what you were watching. Now, I know that this is not the proper time for a more thorough conversation, so I'll take your word for it and scratch this incident on mere curiosity from your part. I'll go downstairs and calm your father down, however you should be more careful when you handle the PC especially because your younger sister uses it too. I'd also advise you to be a bit more careful in the house darling. We're not prudes or anything but your father deserves better don't you think?"

She left the room leaving me a crying mess. I was ashamed and scared; but worst of all, I had no one to talk about it. I had a couple of friends with whom I was close but my affair with Brittany had chilled things between us somewhat. Again, you must keep in mind that these were the 90s; people were much more biased and misinformed about people of different sexuality. I was young, confused, living in middle town suburbia and scared shitless of what could happen to me should anyone find out.

Thankfully I had two things going for me; my rational cool head and surprisingly, my mother. Yes, my church going mother turned out to be much more open-minded than I gave her the credit; in essence she became my biggest ally. While I still didn't know what would happen should I completely come out to my parents, my mother calmed down my father and dissuaded him from banning me from using the home PC. She brilliantly told my father that "if we ban Jennifer from using the PC here, she'll just find someplace else to go."

My father, despite the fact that he inspired more fear than he indulged, could never hold an argument with my mother; after being grounded for two weeks, I had my privileges fully reinstated. In fact, to my absolute surprise, I was promised a lap top should I make a high enough GPA to enter a university of choice.

This very close brush with total destruction taught me that I unfortunately had to be a bit more subtle with my sexuality. I had to play along, dot the "i" and cross the "t", study like a madman and get the hell out of high school and my town. I figured that, once in a big city campus, things should be much more liberal and less constricting. I could perhaps meet with like-minded people without having to play James Bond just to steal a kiss.

To create an additional layer of safety and along the way silence a few mouths, I decided to have another go at dating. Now, I understand that this was pathetically Machiavellian from my part; I was going to lie not only to my parents and friends but also to my prospective boyfriend, should I be lucky enough to land one. You must also understand that senior prom was coming up and you just didn't go there on your own. Not going, or going alone would raise question marks with my parents; going with a girlfriend was some light years ahead in the future.

If I was to keep up the illusion that I was your average straight girl I had to go there with a date. I'd have to be really careful with that too; the last one I chose turned out to be a complete asshole. But then again, who was I to criticize? I was looking for someone, essentially to use him long enough to get out of this town and on to university.

My determination that year paid off handsomely; my GPA soared and in fact my senior year was, academically, my best. I also kept up with my swimming practice which helped me vent all my caged frustration. Although I did very well and made it through to the 200 meter butterfly state finals, I had decided not to opt for an athletic scholarship and go for an academic acceptance instead. My plan was to get accepted to the Bachelor of Engineering program of the McGill University in Montreal. It was the same university my mother had been to, the institution had a stellar reputation, it was situated in a big cosmopolitan city and it was a three hour drive from our home town. Close enough not to feel homesick but far enough to avoid excessive parental control.

The final piece to my plans was the much dreaded boyfriend thing. There was this tall lanky guy in my Chemistry class who was a complete science geek. He wore glasses just like me and he knew chemistry and physics inside out. I had never once seen him get below 95% on a project, assignment or test.

Joshua was a man of few words; he would help you out if you asked for his assistance and he was very modest about his considerable academic prowess. We had paired up quite a few times for our chemistry lab experiments and he never ceased to amaze me with his insight. I knew he didn't have anyone else to go to the prom with so I decided to ask. I caught him one day in the hallway as he was stacking some books in his locker.

"Hey Josh...wait up..."

"Oh...hullo there Jen...what's up?"

"There's...there's something I'd like to ask of you. Would you like to be my date for the prom?"

"Oh? That's certainly out of the blue."

"And why's that?"

"Walk with me. Do you have another class right now? Can you spare ten minutes?"

"Sure, I have a one hour study period...lead on!"

We exited the school premises and headed for the park which was adjacent.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Will you be my date?"

"Why would you want me to be your date?"

This certainly wasn't going as I had planned it. I had thought that he would have eagerly jumped at the chance to be seen with a girl. I certainly wasn't prepared to be scrutinized as such and uncomfortably stared at my shoes, trying to think of something more to say. He broke the silence first:

"Look Jen...I may be a geek, I may be quiet and spend my time in the library but I'm not stupid. I'll be honest with you; I've heard the rumors...and before you say anything, I don't care what you like and what you do in bed. If girls do it for you, power to you then. You're a good person who's treated me humanely, which is more than can be said about many of our classmates. I know how it feels to be different. I know how it feels to stand out from the crowd. So...the answer is yes Jen...I'll be your date...We'll put up one hell of a show."

Without words, with tears streaking from my eyes, I hugged him and stayed like that for some time. You cannot possibly imagine or put to words for that matter how liberating it felt to have someone, anyone know of your secret. How it felt like a weight being lifted off my chest to have someone accept me for what I am and not judge me for the sex of the person I chose to be with.