LJ's Story

"Thank you..."

No other words were need and none were spoken. Joshua, with his exceptional perception and emotional maturity, had said it all. In the coming weeks prior to the prom we became very close friends. He was a revelation really; not only was he a very good listener but he offered moral and practical support in ways that none of my girl pals had ever done for me before. Although, it's been years since we've parted ways, we have kept in touch and occasionally arrange for a catch up meeting now and then.

The best news for me though were when, one Friday evening as I came home from school, I found an envelope with the McGill letterhead printed on it. My mom was home and in the kitchen. Obviously she had seen the letter in the mail and had placed it on the dinner table but since the letter was addressed to me, she hadn't opened it.

"Oh hullo there honey. Did you see the letter on the table?"

"Yes mom."

"So? Any news?"

"Well, let's see what they have to say..."

Dropping my sports bag on the floor, I ripped apart the envelope and opened the folded letter: "...we're pleased to accept your application..." was all I needed to read before starting to jump up and down, squealing like a little girl. With one swift move, I hugged my mom practically knocking her off her feet.

"I made it! I made it! I made it!"

"That's wonderful news hon! So what exactly does it say?"

"Well, I got what I wanted. Bachelor of Engineering program without probation. Hmmmm...Tuition is bit steep...I suppose housing isn't going to be any cheaper either..."

"Don't you worry yourself too much about that, love. I'll discuss with your father and we'll see what we can do about it. Today's a day for celebration. We'll wait for your father to come home and then we'll all go out for dinner. Well done Jenifer! Well done!"

We went out to our favorite Italian restaurant that night. The atmosphere was certainly jubilant and I was even allowed to drink a glass of red Chianti which made me a bit tipsy. My father said that they'd cover all my tuition costs and they'd foot most of the bill for my accommodation. For the rest, I'd eventually have to get a job. Father said that it was not a matter of money, they could definitely afford to cover all my expenses if they wanted to, but it was better for me to get a feeling of how hard it is for money to come your way. Oh and I almost forgot, I would be getting a brand new laptop as a freshman present.

Now, much to my chagrin, I may have not gotten my driver's license yet due to my mother's objections, but I can sure as hell tell you that I would be one of the very few freshmen with a laptop!

Well after that, life at school flew by at an incredibly fast pace and before I knew it, it was time for the senior year prom. I had offhandedly mentioned to my parents that I was "dating" Joshua and that he would be taking me to the prom.

As the day drew closer, my mother decided to help me with the preparations. We ended up choosing a cobalt blue dress, with a rather deep side cut which did wonders to show my legs. The top part was laced with silver threaded embroidery and strass, so my mother suggested silver earrings to match. We ended up buying Swarovski crystal-silver earrings of the same color.

The most difficult issue to tackle though were the shoes. My sports shoes were an impressive ten and a half size and while nowadays this may be a relatively easy size to acquire, back then getting any pair of shoes was a shopping nightmare for me. After an exhaustive hunt we ended up with a number ten sized pair of silver kitten heels with sparkling straps on top. I had never before worn heels of any kind and at first it felt supremely awkward.

But there were more weird first time things to follow; I went to a hair salon and had my hair done. I had my hand and toe nails manicured and pedicured; then had them done in the French style. To add yet more silver to my appearance, my mom bought for me a same colored clutch bug to match my attire. For the life of me, I still can't understand the function of a clutch bug; it holds practically nothing inside save perhaps your lipstick. I had to unclasp our house key from my key chain because it wouldn't fit! But I shouldn't be complaining; for the first time in my life I looked and felt incredibly feminine. You should have seen my father's jaw drop to the floor when he saw me fully dressed as I waited for Joshua to arrive.

My ride arrived promptly, dressed in a pinstriped tux with a silver colored tie. I'm sure that Joshua felt like a fish out of the water in these clothes but he took it in the chin and didn't show it. After the customary photographs we were ready to roll.

"You take good care of her, son."

"Yes sir, I will."

Turning over to me he semi-seriously addressed me: "I expect you to be back home no later than 0200."

"Yes dad..."

"What are you going to do with that bag over there?"

"Daaad! It's just a change of clothes for later. Do you expect us to stay in these for the rest of the night?"

"I guess not...Well have fun you two, take care and be careful on the roads please."

And with that, we were on our way. Joshua, ever the gentleman, opened the door for me and helped me tuck my dress in the car.

"You really look spectacular tonight Jennifer. Kinda makes me wish this was not just for show, you know..."

"The night is young dear sir...who knows what will happen..."

He regarded me with a raised eyebrow and a question mark in his glance but didn't say anything else about it.

The prom was both interesting and boring at the same time. It was certainly fun to be able to dance, socialize and genuinely have a good time, without having to worry about what people would whisper behind your back. At the same time I knew that everything, including me, was staged; the attention being paid to petty issues such as who wore what and who was super successful dating so-and-so felt to me incredibly boring and immature.

I wanted to get out of here; it dawned to me that this prom was the conjuring of an illusion of happiness and make-belief. You had to be here, wear nice clothes, smile and show happiness to imitate success. We don't want nerds, gays and other misfits to spoil our party; this is the norm and if you don't fit in this picture then you'll die poor and friendless. And there I was, wearing my fake smile, exchanging meaningless pleasantries and pretending to be having a good time. I wanted to get out of this life, but there was one loose end which still needed to be taken care of.

"You ready to jet mister?"

"What and leave all this fun so early?"

"You know, you have such a way with words. Why don't we both go and change into something more practical and I'll wait for you by the car."

"Aye aye ma'am."

Taking my bag out of the locker, I proceeded to change into something more humane. Off came the dress and the heels, on came a pair of jeans, green tee and a pair of sneakers. Bagging everything up as best as I could (my mom would have probably fainted seeing me treat my dress like that), I made my way to the car to find Joshua already waiting for me.

"Where to now?"

"I want you to take us to the lakefront. I know of a place where it should be nice and quiet."

Joshua turned and looked at me.

"Jennifer, you don't have to do this you know."

"I...I want to...I'd like to..."

"There's no need to do anything you don't want to do. I won't think less of you...you're a friend Jennifer...a good friend and you're the first person I've ever told that. I'll drive you where it is that you want to go to, but please remember what I said and don't do something you might regret."

We rode to our destination in silence. Once near the lake, I guided Joshua to the place I wanted us to be. Opening the bag I had with me, I produced a large blanket to lay down and a pillow. Wordlessly Joshua followed me, as I searched for a clearing among the trees were I could lay down the blanket. Having arranged everything to my satisfaction, I motioned with my hand to Joshua to sit by me.

"Are you sure about this Jennifer?"

"You know...you may think of me as a whore or that I'm using you. I won't lie to you. I am using you and I will use you if you let me have my way. But I want to think of this as a parting gift Joshua. I can't love you as a lover would but I can love you as a friend...and...and...please don't think badly of me...but...if I..."

"Hey...no...hey, hey, hey...no crying please!"

"If I can't feel anything with you...then...then I'll know..."

"Ssssshhhh...hey...shhhhhh...it's OK...Shhhhhhh...Listen to me...I think of you as a valued friend and as a sister I never had. If this is what you want to do, then we'll do it. I won't think less of you and I certainly won't think of you as a whore. I sort of understand why you have to go through with this. So, lead on and I'll be here for you."

His words had a strange, calming effect on me. I was going to see this through to the end. With my hands I pushed his torso down until his head rested on the pillow. Sitting cross-legged next to him I proceeded to unbutton his jeans. From the bulge of his briefs I could tell that he was already somewhere on the way to a full erection. Then again, this would be the first time I would encounter another male's erection so I really didn't have any reference.

With some amusement I begun fondling his erection through his brief and I must have been doing something good because soon enough he started squirming. Not wishing to have him come in his briefs and having heard all the gossip about guys finishing too soon, I stopped what I was doing and instead yanked his jeans and pants right off. Freed from its confines, his uncircumcised cock stood parallel to his stomach.

Standing up, I shuck off my jeans and silver thong (yes, mom had agreed on buying one as the full cover ones I usually wore didn't sit well with my dress) and rummaged through my bag. From there, I retrieved a condom and a bottle of water based lube. Joshua was staring at me intently and I must say that I had never before seen him as dumbstruck as at that moment. Smiling at him, I did a simple pirouette so that he could enjoy all off me. Then, I was once more on my knees; off came the wrapper and with slightly shaking hands, on came the condom, pinching the tip slightly to make sure no air capsules were trapped. Squeezing some lube on my palm, I applied a general portion on his latex covered shaft and with my fingers I spread some inside the walls of my vagina. Yes, I was lubricated on my own but I wanted to be extra sure.

Taking a deep breath and steeling my nerves with determination, I slowly descended. Grabbing his throbbing cock with my hand, I positioned its head right on my entrance. Lowering myself slightly, I grimaced with pain. Gritting my teeth, I backed off and threw myself at it again. I managed to sink further before the stinging pain forced me upwards once more. Then on the third try I sunk downwards all the way, finally stopping my descent on his navel.

Buoying my hands on his chest for support, I started a slow rhythmic piston-like movement on his cock. Joshua's eyes were as wide as saucers; his breathing was shallow and his hands were gripping at the blanket. I was sweaty myself and my legs were starting to burn from my exertion. And then, Joshua forced me down with his hands and grunting heavily forced me to be still.

After a few moments his grip lessened and I as I lifted, I felt his cock withdraw. Taking a wet wipe from my bag I cleaned myself up; there was only a very faint pink tint on the paper and certainly nothing like a gash of blood that the sexual lore of the time suggested. Dressing back up, I sat on my haunches next to Joshua who was still trying to get his bearings.

"So?"

"Uhhh...well...you've got me at a loss for words here Jen..."

"Did you like it?"

"Well...as you might have guessed...this was my first time...yeah, no big surprise there so...did I like it? In terms of pure carnal pleasure, hell yeah! In emotional terms? I don't know Jen...Uhhhh...used perhaps? How do I rationalize it? I don't. I think I understand your need to do this and as a friend I helped you. I think we both helped ourselves you know? You took me out of the depths of depression and showed me that there's life beyond the books. That there is no acceptable norm and that you should enjoy life as you are...That's my take of the story...I'd very much like to hear yours..."

"Okay...Well...No pressure, but you were manhood's last chance..."

"Oh shit...Shouldn't we have picked a better champion? You know, anyone with glistening muscles and a pearl white smile?"

"Oh shut it...you know full well I've been down that road...No...seriously now...I wanted to give it one last try. I really wanted to make it feel good. I have feelings for you, strong ones, but they are friendly feelings, brotherly feelings. Just for the record, that was my V-card you just collected there...well with boys anyway...the passion I felt with...with Brittany...the stars...the magic...the heart ache...No...I didn't feel them and it has nothing to do with you. I really wish I could make myself kiss you, loose myself in your embrace...it just wasn't there Joshua...I'm sorry...But in the end, this was a liberating experience, you know? I know who I am and there is no turning back."

The whole scene may sound surreal to the reader and I may come out like a cold hearted, calculating bitch. It's true that, from my description here, it would seem as if I conducted a scientific experiment. Others may cringe at my willingness to have sex with a man on purpose. I don't blame you if you do. I myself went through a lot of soul searching to find an answer. You could even say that I selfishly gambled my friendship with this move. I won't deny my selfish motives; I had to know and if the price was such then so be it.

In the end, Joshua was, as always, extremely mature about it and our friendship has survived in spite of this. But now, armed with this new knowledge, I was, in a sense, liberated. I was a lesbian; I liked girls and this was not a phase, it was not an illness or an abnormality. I was a normal human being who happened to fancy members of the same sex and nothing on the good earth could change that.

Coming out to one's self is an important stage of acceptance; coming out to the rest of the world is a different story. Sure it felt great to have Joshua know of my secret but the rest of the world? That was an entirely different ball game. As I've said before, you should keep in perspective that we're talking about the mid-nineties here; people were starting to come around from the dark ages but it was still not the easiest of subjects to broach upon.

With my parents I was still on the fence; I wasn't entirely sure how they'd react. Making a new start at a big city was a challenge in itself and I didn't want to leave home being on uncertain terms with them. However, I did want to tell my sister at some point; although Elisabeth was younger than me, we did have a very good sisterly relationship and I already felt bad for keeping her in the dark for so long. From my old classmates and friends I had no one in particular with whom I wanted to share this secret.

Would I still keep up a show once my university life started? I'd have to take one step at a time and see. As selfish as this may sound, my parents were going to fork a considerable amount of money for my tuition and accommodation and they certainly deserved to be told at a proper time of my choosing. Until that moment came though, I'd have to keep a low profile and bide my time.

A new beginning

After a restful summer, August came, signaling the start of young adulthood at the university. You cannot possibly imagine the absolute pandemonium that engulfed our usually tranquil house; clothing which needed to be packed, bed linen, basic kitchen utensils, you name it! My mom left nothing but the kitchen sink behind. There was no reasoning with her; we just couldn't leave something to be bought locally at Montreal, we just had to load our car to the brim and march off.

My father made good on his promise and the day before leaving, presented me with a brand new laptop. I tearfully hugged him and I'm sure I heard a lump in his throat, but typically him, he would rarely allow for emotion to show in front of us. My sister gave me a very poignant gift; she gave me a beautiful diary with an old fashioned lock and key. She said that I should use it whenever I felt frustrated and needed to vent. I still hadn't gotten round to talk to Elisabeth and I'm sure she knew that I was hiding something from her, hence her present. I would miss her terribly in Montreal, because apart from Joshua, she was my closest confidant.

On the day I left, I tried to put on a brave face and not break down and cry. I managed to do so with my father and Elisabeth, but once in the car with my mom, I lost it. Mom pulled the car aside and held me to her bosom (I'll remember these words forever):

"My sweet child, we'll all miss having you around...I still remember as if it was yesterday when the nurse brought this little bundle and placed you on my breast. It's only natural that your heart is filled with sorrow...but think! A new life is dawning upon you. Open your wings my child and we'll always be here for you to admire your achievements and cherish your memories. And besides...we've got phones...we've got emails...we've got cars...It's not like you're going to the dark side of the moon. So, cheer up, let me see that glorious smile of yours and off we go to a new adventure!"

Once in Montreal, we made our way to the Royal Victoria College undergraduate residence. This was the place that my mom had stayed in when she was an undergrad in the early 70s so we had to honor family tradition and choose that. Since my parents would, in the end, be covering that cost I really didn't have any say on the matter. The residence was an all-female establishment which must have been my parents' way of keeping me out of trouble. More like having the wolf guarding the sheep, was my inward reaction when my mom informed me about it.

The RVC ended up being a fabulous accommodation for me; I had a single room with all the necessary amenities and most important of all, it was situated within a five minute walk radius of all major campus buildings and facilities. The bachelor of engineering program for which I had enrolled was both stimulating and demanding at the same time, leaving me with very little free time. Although the RVC was full of beautiful girls my age, I was reluctant to make an exploratory move for fear of being exposed. In fact, apart from a couple of girls right next to my dorm and a few people from my program, I hadn't made many new acquaintances so to speak. What was noticeable though, was the fact that there was a much more relaxed atmosphere towards what people chose as their sexuality and that was a really welcome change when compared to small town suburbia.

From my description so far, you might think that I was a book worm stuck between my books and my classes. Well...yes and no...While my course consumed a considerable amount of my time, I did visit the university swimming pool on a regular basis and I did mingle with friends. To be honest, I tried to avoid the parties because I didn't actually relish the idea of being hit upon, especially by people who probably had consumed one beer too many. True I may still have been hiding in the closet as far as the world was concerned, but there was no need to keep on pretending by going on fake dates just for appearances. As I said above, this was a luxury that big city life allowed for.