Lockdown with Liam

We had soup with Liam's sourdough for dinner and I didn't talk to him, I was too busy thinking about how to get that dick. He looked at me, concerned.

"You ok? You seem distracted?" I shook my head and motioned for him to keep talking, telling me about the tour he went on last year with his dance company. I tried to tune in and make the appropriate noises. I offered to do the dishes so he could FaceTime his family when we finished and he kissed me tenderly.

I could hear him talking about me, casually referring to me as his boyfriend.

"Trust you to hook up with your roommate over lockdown." His sister said. "Slut."

"Don't call your brother a slut." His mum said wearily. I stifled my laughter and pretended not to be listening in as I finished up in the kitchen and poured myself a wine. Liam had been posting on social media, keeping in touch with people. I hadn't. Like I said, I was on the cusp of my own breakdown. Liam's photos featured me from time to time, he mentioned stuff we did together... people were starting to get the picture. I felt a tiny bit resentful that Liam was sort of... coming out for me, but then what was I going to do? Make a Facebook post?

I called Dad. To my surprise he picked up.

"It's Jamie." I said.

"Shit. I've been trying to get hold of you and your sister. You guys safe?"

"She's in Wellington with Dan." She had eventually answered my calls and we made up a little. "She's not coming home any time soon." Dad sighed. "She's still keeping it." I said. Dad muttered something.

"Where are you?"

"The beach." I sighed deeply. "With Liam."

"Who the fuck is Liam?"

"Who the fuck do you think Liam is?" I sighed and rubbed my temples. "Dad, Liam is my..."

"Christ." He said and hung up. Well. Yep. That went about as well as I expected. I tried Miro next.

"I just came out to Dad." I said. Miro snorted.

"So does that mean I get written back into the will?"

"I think everything's going to the cousins." She laughed.

"So... when you told me you and that guy you're with are just friends you..."

"Were lying." I clarified.

"Yeah I fucking knew it."

"Shut up." I asked about Dan, the baby... we caught up with our lockdown projects and I promised I'd call again soon.

Liam was still on the phone and I sighed. I guess I had time for one more call. I dialled slowly, hoping he would hang up and distract me. He didn't.

"Hey mum."

"Darling! How are you? Been worried sick."

"Mum. Look I just called to say something..."

"Not now Jamie. Look, do you think it's really a problem if I get my hair..."

"Mum. I'm gay. That's what I'm calling to tell you."

"Don't be silly."

"I'm not being silly." Mum sighed.

"Don't do this to me Jamie."

"I'm not doing anything. I'm trying to let you into my life."

"Look, I know you've always wanted attention..."

"This isn't about attention!"

"Jamie you're not gay and that's final. Now..." I hung up and turned my phone on silent.

Great. Managed to fuck up the last vestiges of my relationship with my folks. I was staring moodily at my glass of wine when Liam reappeared. His eyes were a little moist and I softened a fraction looking at him.

"They're all desperate to meet you. Think you might join in next time?"

"Sure. Ok." Liam beamed and helped himself to the wine. "Ready to cave yet?" He grinned at me, giving me a smouldering look over the table. I tensed up again. First my family, then Liam... I frowned at him and put my wine down.

"I'm too fucking small ok? You won't feel me and I'll cum immediately. I don't want to fuck you ok? Just fucking drop it." I stormed out and locked the door to my bedroom, which I hadn't slept in for a few weeks now. I put my headphones in to drown Liam out and started my breakdown in earnest with a hearty cry.

I felt kind of better the next morning. I opened the door and realised Liam had slept there all night, wrapped in a blanket. Sleep might have been a generous term... he blinked up at me looking like shit. I knelt beside him.

"Darling oh my god, are you ok?" He stroked my face, and kissed everything he could, and eventually I laughed. "Oh thank god. Jamie, Jamie this isn't just about your dick is it?" I blushed and shook my head.

"Ok. Tell me everything. Only just listen for one second. You aren't small."

"Below average."

"Don't care. Is your prostate buried halfway up your intestine?"

"No." I said sullenly.

"So it's gonna feel good, ok?"

"For twenty seconds."

"Neither of us are exactly winning awards for stamina. Anyway, you get it up again in like a minute. And you last way longer the second time. Now if you don't want to fuck me fine, ok, fine. But if you do want to fuck me and you're just being dumb then -" I sighed.

"We can try it I guess." Liam tried to hide a smile. "Tonight." I muttered. He stroked my hair.

"So. Tell me. Who was on the phone yesterday? I'm going to have to go and beat them up for making my boyfriend cry."

I pulled him up and made breakfast as I talked to him. I told him about Mum and Dad's divorce. I told them about Miro and Dan and the baby. I told him about dropping out of Uni because I couldn't afford it when Dad cut me off for crashing his Toyota. I told him that I was on the dole because I just got fired before lockdown, I'd been the last hired at the mechanics and I was the first out the door when things started to go downhill. I told him nana was dying in a hospital in Auckland and she probably wouldn't make it through lockdown. I told him I came out to the family and that I probably wouldn't be seeing them again. Well. Apart from Miro. Liam held me as I finished and pulled my head into his chest.

"What a shitty time Jamie. I'm so sorry." I felt myself starting to cry again, like a little bitch, and tried to detangle myself from him. He didn't let me. "Hey. Hey stop it. This is what I'm here for."

"You're here to stuff my holes."

"Lucky for you I'm good at both." I laughed through my tears.

"Sorry Liam. This was meant to be two weeks of getting wasted to pretend my life wasn't falling apart. I didn't mean to drag you into it."

"You didn't drag me into it dumbass. I love you." He'd given up trying to stop himself from saying it. He told me he loved hard and fast and that was just who he was. I leant against him.

"Yeah." I said. He kissed my forehead.

"You want to go blackberry picking? I saw a patch on the drive into town yesterday." I stretched and wiped the tears off my face.

"Sounds good."

He posted a picture of me picking blackberries shirtless with the caption This dumbass 🍑 #lockdownlover

I raised my eyebrows but whatever, really. My best mate Ian tried to call me, but I didn't want to deal with it. He texted.

Hey is Liam for real?

I wanted to ignore it. Keep the pause button pressed on my life. I glanced at Liam. It was gonna really hurt him if I didn't man up. I knew his biggest fear was driving back to Auckland together and me disappearing, not returning his texts, pretending lockdown meant nothing.

It was tempting. This was like a sweet dream, but integrating a man, not just any man but a older man, a gay fucking blonde dancer into my life was going to be hell. So much easier just to leave him here, with all the sweet memories. I sighed and texted Ian back.

Long story. Yeah he's for real.

Jesus. You must have been real desperate ha ha

Not really.

So you're ...

What?

I dunno. Queer?

Gay.

And Liam and you are?

Getting married.

WHAT???

Kidding. We're calling each other boyfriends but it's weird because it's lockdown. I think we'll keep dating when we get back to Auckland but I don't know how it's gonna work.

Ok. You good?

Could be better. You?

Could be worse.

I stopped the conversation. I glanced at Liam.

"We are going to keep seeing each other after this, right?" Liam looked at me with a warm smile.

"Until October I guess." I frowned.

"What's happening in October?" Liam raised his eyebrows at me.

"Don't you usually dump girls after six months?" I hit him.

"Well you're not a girl." I said. "And that's usually when they get tired of me not fucking them. I'm fucking you tonight so I can't imagine that's going to be a problem." Liam grinned.

"You're also meeting the family tonight. It's Sunday roast."

"Is it Sunday?" He shrugged.

——

I felt comfortable rimming Liam. It was hot as fuck licking up and down his crack, pausing to play with his balls, and sticking my tongue deep into his hole. He was moaning, his abs were clenching and his knees were shaking. Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd cum before I could attempt to fuck him.

"Please Jamie." He whimpered. "Please fuck me." I could feel myself leaking. He was so fucking hot. Ok. I lubed him up, really teasing him. My three fingers were almost definitely more skilled than my dick. I wondered if I could get away with fingering him. As if he read my mind Liam moaned. "If you don't stick your dick in me right now I'm going to tie you down and fuck my self on you." That was actually really hot. I'd have to tell him.

I lined myself up with his hole and worked my way in.

"Oh fuck." He moaned.

"Shit." I said back. Jesus he was so tight. It felt amazing. He was gasping, adjusting to me.

"Pound me." He demanded. I started slow, unsure how much I could take. Fuck that was amazing. Liam was shaking again, and I picked up the pace, pulling out and slamming back in, chasing that hot fucking high his ass was bringing me. Liam's breath was ragged and I reached between his legs to help out.

"Jamie you... feel so fucking good." He mumbled.

"You like that you slut?" My mouth was getting ahead of my brain. Liam clenched around me and he moaned.

"Oh fuck yes. I'm your little slut Jamie."

"You're just a fucking hole for me aren't you?"

"Yes sir, yes Jamie... oh fuck..." Liam grunted as he started to cum. His sweet moans set me off and I held him tight against me as I thrust into him. I pumped his ass full of my cum and the two of us collapsed, panting.

Eventually he pulled himself off me.

"So you're a top." He said. I blushed. I mean, that had felt really fucking good. I shook my head.

"I like it both ways." He grinned.

"Me too." He kissed me and sat up, stretching. "Time to meet the family."

"Now?" He looked at me.

"Well. We should probably shower first."

Mid May

"I can't believe we'll be home soon." I looked at Liam's suitcases. He'd packed a few days early, he was getting restless and couldn't stop moving. This was all so surreal. He came out of downward dog and looked at me.

"Need a walk." He said.

"I'll grab a jacket."

"No... an alone walk, if that's ok?" Oh. I let him go. We didn't have a lot of time away from each other and it was definitely important. Especially now, when real life was looking closer by the day.

Real life. I was dreading it. I was dreading the same conversation over and over.

Liam?

Yes.

But since when were you gay?

Since when were you straight?

Are you sure?

Yes

I was dreading trying to find a job, I was dreading everything.

Maybe a post would be easier, I thought, scrolling through Instagram. Just dump it out there instead of the slow trickle. I clicked on Liam's profile to see how he did it. He posted almost at least once a day. Pictures of the beach, pictures of the hills, of birds, of the food we'd cooked. More of me than I realised- but never anything more explicit than #lockdownlover which could have been tongue in cheek.

I sighed.

Started lockdown unemployed, about to be homeless, not talking to my family, broke and miserable.

I'm not exactly thriving but I guess I got lucky.

I want to apologise to anyone I've hurt because I didn't have the guts to admit this sooner, I know there are a few of you.

And I want to thank Liam for meeting me where I am. You're the sweetest boyfriend I could have asked for, and this has been easier because of you.

I sighed and posted a picture of us before turning my phone off. I would deal with that later.

—-

Liam cooked while I had a nap. Yeah, posting on social media takes a lot out of me. When I woke up Liam had abandoned the stove and was crying in the corner of the kitchen.

"Liam?" He shook his head and stood up, pretending to be ... fine? "Hey. Hey what's up?" He laughed.

"It's happy tears. I saw your post on Insta."

"Oh." I cringed. "Sorry it was a lot."

"I was half convinced we'd get to Auckland and you'd pull that disappearing act."

"Well. Me too."

"But you... you're gonna stick around?"

"Yeah." I held his hands. "I mean, assuming that's what you want." Liam rolled his eyes.

"No shit that's what I want."

September

"You don't need the car do you?" He yelled in the morning as he tried to eat the toast I made him on the go and dripped butter on his top, "Dammit." He sighed.

"You asking if you can borrow my car?" Liam glared at me.

"Are you asking if you can stay the night in my flat?" I hung my head, chastised.

I moved into his when we got back to Auckland. The lease was up on my place halfway through lockdown and I needed somewhere quickly when things opened up. He loves hard and fast and he offered.

"We already know we live well together." He said. "Rent will be way cheaper if we split it. Dumb not to." So it was really our place now. And he paid for petrol and stuff for the car, so I guess that was ours too. Sort of wild how fast we were an integrated unit. I mean, things are probably different when you do the normal thing- you know, meet on Grindr and fuck each other until you're too tired to fuck anyone else... but even if we hadn't fallen for each other in once in a lifetime circumstances, Liam wasn't someone you could half arse things with. He was all encompassing.

"Bit soon to move in together?" Miro suggested.

"How long were you and Dan together?"

"That's different."

"Yeah, the way Liam and I do it isn't going to knock me up." Miro scoffed but I think she took my point.

I looked for work... big surprise, no one was hiring.

"Thought we needed more people in the trades." I grumbled to Liam.

"Should have done carpentry, not mechanics." Dickhead. As if dancing was so fucking useful. He must have read my mind because he wrapped his arms around me. "I didn't exactly have my dream gig at your age. I was working in a petrol station." At my age.I rolled my eyes.

"Least you had a job."

"You'll find something. Just don't beat yourself up if it's... a bit... you know." I didn't know. Liam sighed.

"Less than ideal." He said.

He didn't go in for my Plan B.

"Look at this." I showed him a TikTok of two men dancing. "Look at how many views that has. We could totally do this." Liam raised his eyebrows at me.

"Make TikToks?"

"Well... I was thinking more like OnlyFans..." Liam put down the crossword he was working on and glared at me, but I persisted "Come on it's like, nothing we don't do anyway. We just film it and get a bit of cash for it." Liam rolled his eyes. "You said we would make great porn. You're already kind of famous, we already have a platform..." I trailed off as Liam watched me digging my hole darkly.

"Swallow your pride." He suggested. "And take the job in the café." I sighed.

"Yeah ok, fine."

Not exactly my dream gig but it paid the bills. My mate Matt was the Cafe manager and pulled some strings as a favour. I was grateful really, when I wasn't resentful. I did some freelancing mechanic stuff on my days off and I tried to work out how to approach a student loan. Liam wanted me to go back to Uni. He knew I wanted it.

My life was only marginally less trash than it had been pre lockdown but his was looking dazzling. At first he worried work would dry up for him but with our borders closed there was a lot more call for local talent, and Liam is really fucking talented. He got a gig almost immediately. He got me two tickets to the ballet and told me exactly who I was bringing. He didn't take no for an answer.

"Maybe it's just a phase." Mum suggested on the phone.

"Maybe." I said. "So are you gonna come or not?"

"I'll come." She said with a dramatic sigh. I rolled my eyes. She loved ballet, she always thought it was so classy. She acted haughty, like she was doing us such a favour, until she realised that my boyfriend was the lead with the long blonde hair and she got strangely possessive.

"That's my son in law." I heard her whisper to the seat next to us.

"Mum..." I whined. Still. Imagining we were married was a big step up from imagining we were just friends.

She gave Liam a huge bunch of flowers as he stepped into the bar and he kissed her on both cheeks like a gentleman. He insisted on paying for dinner, even though we were meant to be celebrating him.

"You are such a suck up." I muttered to him when she went to powder her nose. He grinned at me. "Gotta make she's on my side when we have fights."

"I don't think there's any question about that." I said. "You should write a book. How to win over your boyfriends homophobic bitch of a mother."

"You call Margot a bitch one more time and I'll deck you." He threatened.

—

Dad must have got sick of never seeing his children. He called me shortly after Mum made some glowing Facebook posts about how talented Liam was, and how everyone should go and see his company.

"You and Liam coming round this week?" He asked casually. As though he'd ever acknowledged Liam.

"What do you mean, Dad?"

"It's been weeks since I saw you." Months, actually. "Thought you two could come over for a roast." I sighed. Dad was not going to be charmed as easily as Mum was.

"Dad, he's older. He has long hair. You aren't going to like him." Dad grumbled to himself.

"Well I can at least pretend can't I? For your sake?"

Liam was nervous meeting him.

"What should I wear?"

"I really don't think he'll notice."

"He'll notice if I wear the wrong thing." Liam looked through his wardrobe. He wasn't particularly interested in clothes, he spent most of his time in leggings and a hoodie, if he wasn't shirtless. That's dancers for you. He put on a t- shirt and jeans and looked at himself dubiously.

"Wild." I commented. "Is that what all the runways are doing this year?" He hit me playfully. "You look good." I said. "Almost straight. Maybe he won't notice you're gay." Liam pursed his lips.

Dad was his usual taciturn self but he was trying.

"I see where you get your cooking skills from." Liam commented over the roast lamb. Dad grinned.

"He didn't turn out too bad did he?" Liam smiled at me.

"He's alright."

Liam offered to do the dishes and Dad refused. He pulled out a game of scrabble and made us tea.

"Jamie says you're a real dab hand?" He said slyly. Liam shrugged modestly. I knew he thought he'd take it easy on Dad. Dad got to start and Liam sat up as he opened with squeezy.

"Lucky letters." Dad winked.

"I should bow out now." I muttered. The two of them bonded over obscure rules and eventually Liam won by a hair.

"458, 440, and 112." I said glumly. I'd sort of given up halfway through.

"He's lovely." Liam said as we got home. I rolled my eyes.

"He's a good man." Dad said over the phone. "But he does need a haircut."

October

Liam managed not to break anything on his flurry out the door. He's not really a morning person and he seemed particularly shitty this morning. He has some auditions lined up, but he's not overly excited.

"Not my parts really." He said, reading the lines. He prefers dance anyway.

I got dressed and biked to work.

"Late." Is all my manager Ryan said as I clocked in. Only a minute but he has a point.

"Sorry." I muttered.