Lonely in Berlin

But then again, what else could I have done? Even if he was attracted to me, he didn't know I was trans. Revealing myself could be dangerous, and he was a lot bigger than me. What if he got mad and accused me of tricking him? And even if he didn't get mad, he'd probably reject me. And even if he didn't reject me, he'd only want to fuck me.

My past year had been littered with rejection and heartbreak. Sure, I'd had a few nights of passion. Every so often, I'd use a specialized dating app to find a hot guy who'd let me greedily suck on his cock, or fuck me until I spurted all over the sheets. Once a guy had even given me a delicious spanking. Unfortunately, I just couldn't find someone to date me.

At best, I was a dirty little secret. Some guys might want me as fuck-toy, but they would die in a ditch before they let their family or friends learn about me. They might fantasize about going to bed with a girl with a dick, but they wouldn't take one home to mama and papa. The pinnacle of my romantic achievement was to be a guy's fuck buddy for a month or so. That lasted until I hinted that I wanted something more serious. The look of horror on his face when I said it would be nice to meet his friends still sometimes makes me cry.

Then there were the guys who wanted me for one night and one night only. It was helpful, at least, when they were upfront about what they wanted. At least then, I had my expectations. I could just enjoy the sex, and leave before I got any stupid ideas that they might want me as a girlfriend. Sadly, some guys didn't even give me that basic courtesy. They just feigned romantic interest to get sex. Their deception was not only unnecessary but also left my heart in tatters.

My last experience, where I woke up in a guy's bed after a night of fucking, only to be asked, "why are you still here?" left me on the verge of a complete breakdown. The worst thing was, he had seemed so lovely and charming the night before. I actually thought I'd finally met someone who was boyfriend material - but I was wrong. The experience had scarred me and left me numb to the prospect that anyone would ever actually love me.

That's why I'd invented my two rules: rules to keep me safe, physically, and emotionally.

Rule 1: I'd only reveal myself when I was sure it was safe to do so.

Rule 2: If I did have sex, I'd be the first to leave. I'd make a point of it. I'd go before anyone had the chance to kick me out. At least that way, I got to make the decision and could spare myself the emotional battering of yet another rejection.

Besides, if I could lower my expectations about romance, at least I'd be able to live out some of my dirty, submissive sexual fantasies. That was better than nothing. At least I'd only be lonely, not lonely and sex-starved.

* * * *

It was 9 pm, the end of my shift. I dumped my halo and lantern in the van and grabbed my handbag. I made a quick trip to the bathroom to adjust my panties as they had been rubbing a little as I walked. I always wore a particular brand, made especially for transgirls. They were slightly stiffer and had more spandex in them than regular panties. They hugged my body tightly and allowed me to keep my penis and testicles tucked back securely between my legs. They hid my bulge very well, which was incredibly important when wearing a skirt as short as the one that went with my angel costume.

After doing a bit of fiddling, and retucking myself, I'd reassured myself that everything was in place comfortably. I marched back out into the market with my handbag slung over my shoulder. I would usually head straight to the nearby S-Bahn station to go back to my apartment, but on this occasion, I couldn't help but make a final loop of the stalls. Maybe, just maybe, the American was still here.

I walked quickly, twisting my head from side to side. Even if nothing was going to happen, I wanted to thank him properly. I must have seemed so rude by just walking away after he'd scared off Klaus. Hopefully, he'd smile at me. Perhaps he'd even hug me so I could feel his body again. That might give me a pleasant memory to jerk myself off to when I was back in my apartment.

I'd almost given up, but then I saw him. He was standing, sipping a steaming mug of glühwein, on a wooden terrace adjoining a drinks stall. The terrace was covered in an awning, giving partial protection from the elements, but the sides were still open. Unfortunately, he wasn't alone. Two attractive women were fawning over him—women who, no doubt, had sweet, wet pussies for him to fuck. An indignant hiss of air left my nose, sending two little plumes of vapor shooting out into the cold Berlin sky.

I slowed my pace, hoping that he'd notice me as I walked past the open bar-area, but he didn't. He was still listening to the women next to him. So I swung around the stall and made another pass. Feeling stupid and self-conscious, I forced myself to walk seductively and sexily. I unzipped my jacket, pulled my vest top slightly lower, and stuck my chest out in front of me. I walked by the bar area again, but he still didn't notice me. I sighed again and rested against one of the thick, vertical, wooden beams that supported the awning. 'Please notice me,' I mentally begged into the nothingness.

My back was to him, but I could still see him in the reflection of the jewelry stand opposite. One of the girls was touching his arm. They were both giggling when he spoke. They definitely wanted him to fuck them. I bet he wanted to fuck them too.

Then his eyes flicked up for a second, and he looked at the jewelry stand. He briefly scanned the stall and then saw me staring in the reflection. Instantly, I looked away, my cheeks becoming red all over again. I cursed myself, yet again, for being a socially awkward idiot.

Then I heard footsteps clunk over the wooden boards behind me. I inhaled and held my breath. I didn't dare look, but I knew it was the guy. My skin tingled. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and my muscles tensed.

"Hey, Angel," the guy's deep voice called out in English.

I felt a hand on the small of my back, and a delicious, light, masculine scent snake up my nostrils. I gulped.

"Hey," I whispered back.

Using all my strength, I forced my muscles to shift round to face him.

"Jack," he said, holding out his hand.

"Elfi," I murmured, taking his hand.

I gulped, then breathed quickly.

"I'm sorry," I blurted. "I'm sorry for running away from you earlier. I had work to do... I couldn't be distracted... I'm sorry."

Jack laughed.

"It's okay, Elfi," he said with an amused voice. "I just thought you were shy."

"And thank you for helping me up in the beer hall, and scaring off my boss," I said, as I drew up next to him, still holding his hand. "He can be really mean."

"No problem," he said, smiling his broad smile. "Care to join me for some glühwein?"

I tensed again. Yes, of course I wanted to join him, but I couldn't.

"I can't," I said meekly. "I've got..."

My words cut out as I found myself unable to generate a lie. I paused as my mouth flapped.

"You've got family to get to?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I looked into his eyes.

"No," I said.

"You've got a party to go to?" he suggested.

I shook my head.

"You've got to pickle some sauerkraut to go with your Christmas pork knuckle."

A little burst of laughter escaped my lips.

"No," I said.

"Well, come and join me," he said. "I haven't any sauerkraut to pickle either."

"Won't your lady-friends mind?" I said, glancing over at the two women who were now watching us with annoyed looks on their faces.

"I told them you were a friend I'd been waiting for," he replied.

"So, I'm your friend, am I?" I said.

"You can be if you want," he said.

I smiled again.

"I don't want to get in the way if you want to seduce them," I said, unconvincingly.

Jack laughed at me, then leaned down towards my ear. "Elfi, my angel," he said, "the only person I want to seduce is you."

I gulped, and my cheeks went pink. His boldness excited me and made me nervous.

"Maybe you wouldn't want to seduce me if you got to know me," I said, then instantly hated myself. I was being stupid and awkward again. Anyway, why was I even here? Things weren't going to happen, even if I wanted them to.

"Maybe... maybe not," he said. "But you're cute. I'll take the risk."

Before I could protest, Jack gave a little tug on my hand and led me over to one of the sofa seats at the back of the bar area. I tottered behind him in my boots, unable to prevent myself from looking over at the women he'd been talking to seconds before. They were now staring at me with hatred in their eyes.

I sat on the sofa. Jack let go of my hand and walked over to the two women. He whispered something in their ears. They looked at him in disappointment, then looked at me in anger. They both kissed him on the cheek, then marched quickly out of the bar. I noted that he did not kiss them back.

Jack walked back over to me.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I told them that you and I had a lot to catch up on," he said.

"Did they believe it?" I replied.

"Not sure," he said with a laugh. "Don't care."

The nonchalance with which he said it instantly played with my anxieties. Those women were hot, they were fawning over him, and he dismissed them like it was nothing. Other guys would have been desperate to fuck them, but I guessed female attention was such a constant feature of his life, that it meant little too him. My eyes scanned over his face and body. He was very hot. Too hot for his own good, most likely.

"Are you some kind of player?" I said, then winced. Why couldn't I just keep my analysis to myself? And did it even matter if slept with lots of girls? It wasn't like I was going to get anything more than an ego boost and some fantasy material tonight.

Jack laughed.

"Why do you say that?" he asked in amusement.

"Well, the girls..." I started, then stopped.

"The girls who were chatting with me... and I bailed on... just so I could talk with you..." he said. "I'd call that being selective, not being a player."

My face started to heat up. What the hell was I saying?

"Yeah... but look at you... I bet you sleep with so many girls," I said. Then I winced again. Why did my mouth keep saying these things?

"I've slept with a few people. As I'm sure you have too," he said. "You're a pretty girl. I bet people hit on you all the time."

"Yeah, people hit on me," I said, "but I don't sleep with them all."

"I don't sleep with everyone who hits on me either," he replied.

I squirmed slightly in my seat and reached up to massage the back of my neck. My face was now burning red. I didn't have any logical way of expressing what I was trying to say, and I was just going to make a fool of myself if I continued. Nevertheless, he definitely was some kind of player. He was just too hot and too confident not to be. But he was very handsome, and he was funny, and he smelled good. He wouldn't be boyfriend material, but perhaps I could just let him fuck me, if that's what he wanted to do.

I gulped as I let my mind wander for a second. Him fucking me... now that was an electrifying thought, I crossed my legs tightly and ran my fingers through my hair. But then I shut it down. I couldn't think like that. He didn't know I was trans.

"So, what brought you to Berlin?" I asked, changing the subject and trying to force the heat in my cheeks to subside.

"I needed a change," he said, seemingly happy that I was moving on from making assumptions about his promiscuity. "And I love Berlin. I love the atmosphere. I love the history. I love the freedom."

"Yeah," I said with a sigh. "That's one of the things that drew me here too. Where are you from in the US?"

"Rio Ranco, New Mexico," he said.

"It sounds hot," I replied.

"It is. Hot, dry, friendly, but sometimes a little insular," Jack said.

"So you wanted somewhere, more... metropolitan?" I asked.

Jack nodded.

"Not to disparage Rio Ranco," he said, "I had some great times there. I just wanted somewhere a little more... shall we say... open-minded."

I swallowed. "Oh, cool," I said. "Open-minded is good, open-minded is really good."

I forced myself to stop blabbering, but his words had affected me. Open-minded, open-minded, open-minded... what if he actually was okay with me being trans? The thought sent a ripple through the pent up reservoir of my emotions. A little wave of possibility lapped over my mental barriers, like a small amount of water sloshing over a dam. The overspill leaked through my body and sent a tingle through my skin.

If he was attracted to me, and okay with being trans, then maybe I'd get to feel his muscles. Maybe he'd kiss me. Maybe he'd pin me down. Maybe he'd put his stiff cock in my mouth, or, oh God... in my ass? I shifted in my seat. My mouth opened, then closed again. No, I couldn't tell him.

"So, are you here to stay?" I asked.

"Yep, I'm here to stay," he said, "at least for the time being. I work remotely, so really I can work anywhere... I chose Berlin."

"Are you enjoying it?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's nice. The food is good. The drinks are good. The company is..." He trailed off a looked at me. "... kind of 'meh'"

His eyes twinkled.

"Oi!" I said, "I thought you liked me."

I slapped him on the arm.

"I do like you, Elfi," he said with a grin.

I shuffled closer.

* * * *

The conversation had flowed easily. We'd been talking for over an hour. We'd laughed, we'd flirted, and Jack kept looking at me like he wanted to devour me. Beneath his confident gaze, I was starting to feel all wriggly and horny. Every time he looked at me with his devilish smile and sparkling blue eyes, I felt my cock begin to engorge and push against the fabric that kept it neatly tucked between my legs. He even made a joking comment about spanking me when I made a cheeky remark. That made me go very, very red. Desire was rising inside me. The reservoir of excitement behind my mental dam was filling at a rapid rate, and I kept having to remind myself that I couldn't let it out.

As the pressure rose, I kept leaning forward, smoothing my skirt, tossing my hair, and tightly crossing and uncrossing my legs. But I had to keep my mental barriers up. I still hadn't mentioned anything about being trans. How could I know that his attitude wouldn't change the second I told him? How could I be sure he wouldn't get angry with me, or worse? How could I be sure he wouldn't accuse me of tricking him or making him feel like he was gay?

But... he was so disarming, and he really seemed to be into me, and I was getting tipsy. Every so often, I'd found myself forgetting that I wasn't going to allow myself to take this further. For a second or two, I'd lose my focus, and I'd accidentally release a little sluice gate in the dam that I'd been forcing shut. Thrilling little currents of water escaped past my barriers, and goosebumps rose on my skin. I kept finding myself looking at his lips. Then touching his arm. Then touching his leg... I could tell he liked that. But I was getting carried away. No, this couldn't happen...

"You look cold," said Jack, as my hand retreated sheepishly from his thigh.

"I am cold," I replied, and I was. My cold tolerance was high, but now I'd stopped walking around, I was getting chilly.

"Why don't you come and sit on my lap?" Jack said with a grin. "I can put my coat around both of us like a blanket."

I took a deep breath. That sounded good, but it was a step too far. I was being silly, and it was time for me to leave.

"Sorry, Jack," I said, "It's been really, really lovely talking to you, but I need to get home now."

Disappointment flashed across his face, but he hid it quickly.

"Ah, that's a shame," he said, "I was really enjoying talking to you. You don't have to sit on my lap if you don't want to."

"I do want to," I said, "but it's getting late. And I've only just met you. Maybe I could give you my number?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," he said.

I got to my feet. Maybe I could message him to say I was trans, and then I wouldn't need to be next to him as he rejected me. Or maybe I would never message him, that way I'd never have to face the rejection at all, I could just enjoy the fantasy of what might have been. God, I'd enjoy that fantasy... feeling his big hands all over me. I would probably masturbate myself into a coma over that one.

As Jack took out his phone to take my number, I saw a family walk by. It was the family from before: the young woman with the stroller, her husband, and the small boy. The boy was holding a wet-looking doll. The doll he had lost earlier.

"Hey, Gunter!" Jack called out.

The boy looked over and started waving at Jack. Then the parents started waving. I looked at Jack, who was smiling. I looked at the family, who were smiling too. I looked at the doll.

"Do you know them?" I asked.

"I ran into them earlier," he said, "remember, the kid had dropped his doll. I saw you were about to give it back to him, but your boss got in the way."

"Yeah, I remember," I said. "So you gave the boy his doll back?"

"Yeah," Jack said with a nod. "I saw the family come back around just after you left."

"And you didn't think it was wrong for a boy to play with a toy like that?" I said.

"If he's happy with it, why should I care?" replied Jack, with a laugh. "It's not the 1950s anymore."

Okay, that had sounded promising. That had sounded really promising. I took a deep breath. I half-smiled and sat back down next to Jack.

"I thought you said you needed to go?" he said.

I gulped and remained static. Jack continued waving at the little kid until the family had gone.

"There's something I want to tell you," I said.

"Oh yeah?" Jack replied.

"Just promise me that you won't get mad," I said.

"Okay," he said, looking puzzled. "I promise not to get mad."

"And I've wanted to tell you for when we first started talking, but I didn't know how you'd react," I said.

"Okay ..." Jack said again.

"Well," I took a deep breath. "I'm trans... if you know what that means."

He paused for a second and scanned my expression. He was probably trying to see whether I was joking or not.

"Really?" he said. He looked me up and down, but his expression was of surprise, not anger.

"Yes, really," I said, meekly. Then I steeled myself. "So, do you have a problem with that?"

Jack paused in silence for a few seconds. "That is kind of a surprise," he said. "But no, I don't have a problem with it."

"I just needed to be sure... since we were flirting so much," I said, my voice quietening to a whisper.

"It's okay, Elfi," he said. "It's all fine with me."

Relief surged through me, and a smile spread across my face.

"Is there anything else I should know about you?" he asked.

I tensed again. I guess just saying I was trans didn't fully explain my situation. But fuck it. I'd gone this far.

"Well... I've still got a cock," I blurted. "And, I really like koalas."

Jack cracked up in laughter. My face morphed into an inferno of redness.

"Wow," he said. "Koalas, huh?"

"I'm telling you this because I think I can trust you," I said, then took a deep breath. "And I like you. And I think you're really hot. But it's important that you know who I am."

"It's okay, Elfi," he said, then laughed. "Well... that is a surprise... but... I guess it makes you even more intriguing than I thought."

"So," I said with a gulp, "do you still want me to sit on your lap now that you know? It's okay if you say 'no,' I'm happy just to chat."

He smiled a very genuine looking smile.

"Elfi, I'd still like you to sit on my lap," he said.

"Are you sure?" I replied nervously. "I don't want to pressure you."