Long Way to Go

I love my home. I love the sense of anchoring myself in the world that I get when I'm there. After sleeping in the truck, I positively love my bed. This was in some ways disrupted by Benjamin being there, and in other ways made better. I spent the night drinking a few beers and watching TV, just for the sake of being able to do it and not having to get up in the morning. And, God yes, not having to drive anywhere if I didn't want to.

-#-#-#-#-#-

It took a few days for Benjamin to recover. I think it was mainly the feeling of being safe that did the trick. He knew he had a place to sleep and food to eat, and he could relax enough to let his body do the healing. He didn't say that, but that's how I interpreted the situation. My mom came by every day, and there was something passing between those two that I couldn't quite grasp. My mom is the mommiest mom in the world, and she was now adopting Ben. That didn't surprise me. What did was Ben letting it happen. Maybe he was adopting her as well.

Ben's fever broke on Wednesday evening. He sweat so much I had to change the sheets before we could sleep, but it seemed to me he slept better than he had in the whole of our time together.

In the morning, I woke up like I never do. It was like a swelling tide of bliss. I jerked out of sleep that left behind just a vague memory of heaven, and I realized Ben was sucking my cock.

Oh my fucking God. What a way to wake up.

I moaned and pushed upwards. The feeling of his mouth changed briefly, and he let go for a second to flash a smile at me. He regained his grip around my shaft quickly enough, and the sweet suction returned. I didn't know how long he had been at it, but I was hard like a fucking iron rod. He squeezed me tight with his hand and his mouth. He looked up at me, and his eyes were still smiling.

I moaned again and had a brief discussion with myself. I wanted to grab him by the ears and ram myself into his skull so far I would come out of his ass. And I wanted to slow down and push him away to keep myself from cumming, because I wanted to ram myself so deep into his ass that I would come out of his mouth. I was torn between the two, and all the while the heat of his mouth, that unbelievable wet heat, was moving on me. Sucking me in. Letting me out slowly. Oh fuck, so slowly.

I tried to pull him to me, to reach his body. I had a vague idea of trying the sixty-nine with him, but he was far down between my legs and didn't budge. What he did do was let me out of his mouth, and for a few seconds he just jerked me with his hand while smiling up at me. He had a smug look, like he was satisfied with what he had accomplished, and out of sheer surprise, I moved when he guided me. He pushed my legs more open, more towards my chest, and before I knew what he had on his mind, he had bent back down and was suckling my asshole.

Oh God oh fuck oh Fuck oh God oh fuck. I had never had anyone do that to me before. I had never done that to anyone myself. I had suggested it to my first boyfriend, just to try it out. He was so disgusted by the idea I never brought it up again, with him or anyone.

Now I was on the receiving end and I whimpered as I pulled my trembling thighs closer to my chest, opening myself up for him. His tongue was so hot, and slick and so, so...persistent! I held my breath when he slowly pushed it in. He probably didn't go very deep, but I felt like my world exploded. I was surprised to find out my cock hadn't. It was such a revelation—I thought for sure I'd cum.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh my fucking fucking fuck," I growled and rolled my hips a little. It was heaven, absolute bliss, but I had to get inside him right that second. That was not negotiable anymore.

With heavy regret, I pushed him away then pulled him to me. I kissed him deeply, not realizing I'd be kissing the tongue that was just inside my asshole until after I did. I pawed him greedily, I didn't know what part of his body I wanted to touch because I wanted all of it, and he laughed a little at my haste. His cock was as hard as mine, though.

I reached for the drawer on the nightstand for the lube. I needed him, needed him now, and he got on his hands and knees and opened up for me. I lubed him quickly and messily, myself even more hastily, then scooted closer. I could barely keep myself from just slamming into him. Every fiber of my being was shaking with effort when I tried not to hurt him. I felt so greedy, I went as slow as I could force myself to go but I'm not quite certain that was slow enough.

Ben didn't complain. He had his hands wide on the bed, and pushed against me, hanging his head low, concentrating just as much as I was. I grunted when I made those final inches. He pushed against my crotch and rolled his hips a little. I searched for a better grip, spreading my fingers, and made sure my knees were placed steadily enough. I let out another grunt and pulled out to thrust in again.

Oh God, Benjamin, how sweet you are, I thought over and over. I thrust again, and a little faster, and a little harder. I knew I was gonna lose control, and I knew it was getting closer now. I was so hard, and he was so hot around me. I thrust, and thrust, and thrust. He let his upper body down on the mattress, and it changed the angle. I grunted, and he grunted with me. He reached his hand under him to reach his own cock. I had a fleeting regret that I hadn't touched him yet, but I couldn't focus on it anymore. Because I was in him, and deeper in him, and deeper still, and...there...and...there!

I pushed so hard his knees lifted from the mattress for a few seconds, and he twitched around me. I came down a notch, worried I'd hurt him, but then I realized he was cumming as well. I spasmed inside and he spasmed around, and each time one of us did the other one answered. I sank slowly to sit back on my heels, and he followed me, pushing backwards, sinking lower over my thighs. I stroked his back, slowly, my fingers spread open. I wanted to kiss him everywhere. My head was so blissfully empty I couldn't think of moving, I just kneeled there and looked down at his beautiful, slim, pale back, and how it sloped down from his skimpy ass to his messy dark hair.

-#-#-#-#-#-

I didn't use to believe in love at first sight. Not before the night I witnessed Benjamin meeting Oliver.

Ollie had always been savagely musical. He played a wide array of instruments when he was a kid, but as his mental health declined in his teens, he spent a few years in a complete musical void. He had refused to listen to anything and definitely hadn't produced any on his own.

Nobody knew what was going on in his head, of course. He could've been composing symphonies for all we knew. When his medication got into better balance, he tentatively tried starting again.

The whole of our family was holding our breaths and crossing our fingers for it to work, for him to get back the thing that so strongly defined him, and none of us knew how best to support him.

Ollie had founded a band. It was called "Schizo Squirrels", and they had a gig booked for Saturday night. They were loud and obnoxious, the venue was a dinky bar filled mostly with friends and family of the band.

We arrived a little late with Ben, but got good places next to my sister, Donna. I introduced the two, and they had barely time to smile at each other before the band walked onstage.

Ollie was on the guitar. The singer, or maybe shouter, tried to catch all the attention by flashing like a ball of lightning all over the small stage. I kept my eyes on Ollie. After a few songs, Ben leaned closer to me.

"Is that your cousin on the guitar?" he asked, shouting to be heard.

"Yeah, that's Ollie," I shouted back. "Oliver. The one I told you about."

We exchanged a look, and I knew he remembered just what I had told him about Ollie. Ben followed the rest of the gig with rapt attention, hardly noticing when I brought him a beer.

After the show ended, most of the audience hung around to talk with the band. I was catching up with Donna. I felt Ben's attention focusing, and he touched my arm lightly, as if for strength. I followed the direction of his gaze and saw Ollie, who was momentarily alone, standing a little further away. Ben squeezed my arm once and walked away. Ollie seemed to become aware of him long before he reached him. Ollie's head shot up, his expression sharpened, and for the last few seconds before impact they held eye contact.

It was staggering to see them side by side. They were about the same height, and standing together I realized for the first time they shared the exact same body language: both were thin and twitchy, nervous and edgy—like they were poised to flee at any second. Flee or attack.

With a stab, I realized part of it had to be the side effects to the medication they were on. I had never realized when it was only Ollie. Or only Ben.

They were talking, but by the looks of it, much more went on non-verbally. It was subtle, and maybe neither were aware of it. They didn't touch, but were synchronizing with each other, with an intensity that seemed to generate a force field around them. Crowded as it was, nobody approached them.

Ollie's skin was as dark as Ben's was pale. They had similar attire, band shirts and skimpy black jeans with boots. They were like twins in some hard-to-define way, like two halves of a whole. Light and dark. Yin and yang. A lock and a key. I wondered what they were unlocking in each other. Something was happening, and it happened with a force that made the hair stand up on my arms.

"I was going to congratulate you for finding such a sweet one," Donna said to my ear. "But it looks like you just lost him."

"I don't know if I ever had him," I said. "I mean, not really. And definitely not like that."

We stood watching. It was captivating, which was weird considering nothing much happened. They talked, they shared silences. They were so locked into each other, I felt like a prop in their story, like a supporting act in someone else's story instead of the main character in mine.

Searching my soul for a twinge of jealousy, I found some there, but with no weight behind it. It was more like a knee-jerk reaction, something I knew I should feel and half-heartedly did.

I thought back to my time with Benjamin. I cared for him, but I didn't feel any kind of ownership. We didn't have a relationship in any real sense of the word. He was with me because I had picked him up that rainy day, but there had never been any promise of anything more permanent than that.

I couldn't deny what I was seeing: it was magical. I'm a romantic at heart, and my heart was singing for them. I was afraid of how it would turn out, because they were both so unstable, but I knew it would've been futile to try and stop them from getting together. I was leaving for the road again in a week, and I hoped the ones that were there—my mom, Ollie's mom, both of our siblings—were enough to support the pair. I had lost a competition I had no idea I was participating in, but it didn't feel bad. I was happy for both of them that they had found someone who apparently understood them the way nobody else could.

Ollie and Ben talked for so long the crowd started to thin out. Their connection didn't break until Ollie's bandmates came to collect him, apparently so annoyed he didn't help load their equipment into their crappy van that they were willing to step into that magic circle surrounding them. Ollie was irritated, but grudgingly left with them.

Ben followed Ollie with his eyes, and only after he was gone did he snap out of his trance. He turned on the spot, slowly, and flinched when he saw me looking at him across the almost empty bar. He looked scared, like he suddenly became aware he had come with me and left me stranded for most of the night.

I didn't want him to feel like that. I gestured for him to come to me and walked up to meet him. "It's alright," I said as we turned to the door. "Don't worry."

"What's alright?" he asked, not meeting my eyes.

"You and Ollie."

He glanced at me and then quickly away. God, this was just like the first days he was with me. I felt like all the progress I had made with him had disappeared just like that. Smoke in the wind.

Maybe he was thinking the same, because he timidly reached for my hand and squeezed it as we stood waiting for our cab.

The last we spoke about it was moments later, as we lay in my bed, getting ready to sleep.

I pulled him close to spoon him. It was easier to speak when I didn't have to look at him.

"Look," I said, "I don't know if we ever had anything, or if we could have had something. I've liked having you with me. But I'm leaving again in a few days, and I don't expect you to just float around the country with me. There's clearly something between you and Ollie. I'm happy for both of you. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried, but I'm still happy."

"So you're not... angry?"

"No, I'm not angry," I said.

Ben sighed deeply and relaxed. I held him for that one last night as he slept.

-#-#-#-#-#-

And that was that. Ben and Ollie got together the next day, and as far as I can tell, they haven't been apart since. We moved Ben's few possessions to Ollie's, and by the time I left for my next stretch on the road they were inseparable.

Ben is now as attached to my mom as she is to him, and she keeps reporting their goings on to me. She still calls every day when I'm on the road. Ben isn't one to talk on the phone, but that doesn't surprise me. After all, he isn't one to talk at all, at least with me.

I have a lot of time to think as I drive around the country. I've been thinking about Ben a lot. I'm still proud of how I handled it all, and grateful for the few moments I got to spend with him. There's light inside that kid. Something untamed and pure. I don't know what it was that I felt for him, or if I could ever have loved him. Somehow our relationship wasn't like that. I mostly just wanted to protect him. I still do.

Ben joined Ollie's band. Between the two of them, they managed to transform that shambling crowd of insane rodents into a tight crew of astronauts and reroute their journey skywards. They gathered momentum fast, and I've followed their success in stunned admiration. I go to see them play every chance I get and try to find time to meet Ben and Ollie in general, if they don't have a gig when I'm in town.

They both seem genuinely happy. From what I see and what mom has told me, I gather they manage to balance each other out in a way nobody could've predicted. Ollie has had so much trouble in his life, I don't think anyone has ever stopped to wonder about his sexuality. His previous relationships have all been with women, but it seems he swings both ways.

We were all nervous in the beginning: me, my mom, aunt Violet, all our siblings. But those two are like a force of nature, there's no stopping them, and it all turned out better than anyone could've hoped for.

Earlier today, I stopped for the night at the truck stop north of New Orleans that was the location for my first night with Ben. I'll probably always think of him when I drive in these parts. Mom called midway through dinner, as she has an uncanny way of doing, and told me she has emailed me. I was surprised, as she normally doesn't, but promised to look when I got back to my truck.

"Check this out, but make sure you're parked when you do," she wrote. "It's Ollie's and Ben's radio interview."

There's a link to a radio station's web page. I hover over it, undecided, but then click the link.

The interviewer sounds cheery, and to my amazement so do Ollie and even Ben. They talk, even Ben, and it's fun to listen to their banter. The band is about to release their first record—all their own material, all written by Ollie and Ben. The interviewer compares them to Lennon and McCartney, and they all laugh.

"This is the first song you've released for radio play, and this is the world premiere of it," says the interviewer. "Is there anything you want to say before I play it?"

"Yes," Ben says. "Thank you."

"That's it? Thank you?"

"Yes," Ben says solemnly. "He knows."

Interviewer is puzzled and obviously curious, but doesn't press the issue.

The song starts. To my surprise it's a ballad—nothing like I've ever heard from them before. It's filled with metaphors of weather, storm, rain, dark clouds, lightning, the undeniable destructive force of nature and how impossible it is to resist or control.

The first chorus starts. There are rainbows, and rays of sunshine. Except that Ben sings this one, and it sounds suspiciously like "Roy of light" when he does.

I listen to it again. And again. And again.

I'm crying.