Looking Backwards Pt. 01

My name is Caroline and I thought I'd try my hand at writing about some of my life experiences. I'm new at writing stories so feel free to leave me any feedback or kind critiques.

I was 22, and just been living on my own for two years while studying dance at The University of Texas. I was living with another dancer named Gabi who was from Spain. She had been studying here in the same dance program and we got along so well together that we became roommates. Gabi was probably about 3 inches shorter than I. Dark hair, beautiful dark eyes. Where I'm more thin and graceful, Gabi was more energetic and powerful. She studied more modern dance and I was envious of how she would throw herself into her movements with complete abandon. During performances he could go from looking crazy to unabashedly sexual and back to crazy all within a short amount of time during her performances. As someone that had been raised to do ballet, my style was more about getting it right and hitting positions perfectly. I envied not only the way she danced but just the way she presented herself to the world.

Unlike me, Gabi never wore a bra, and after living with her I was convinced she didn't own one. She was perfectly comfortable walking around the house naked after she woke up or got out of the shower and never cared if the windows were open or not. Probably still to this day I'd say she was the freest person I had ever met. Among all of Gabi's amazing qualities, that was the one I remember admiring the most.

"Caroline, there is too much ballet in your Modern." Gabi said to me one day in a modern dance class. We were both working on choreographing pieces for our class and I was obviously having some trouble. "Your movements are too structured and... tight! YOu have grace but you need to learn to let go." She added.

"Ugh, I already know what you are talking about." I replied. Our Modern dance teacher had already had several conversations with me about what I wanted to bring to my freestyle choreography. What I wanted to express, and to just let go and let my emotions dictate my movements. But ballet is about perfection, and hitting positions just right, so it's been hard for me to switch gears in my brain to a type of dance that doesn't have a correct position.

After class we were walking home and I asked her about her dance inspiration and what allowed her to bring such freedom to her work.

"Caroline, on the beaches in Spain, I don't think I wore a swimsuit in public till I was 12, and even then only the bottoms. I've lived my entire life not feeling the sense of shame around my body that I think you do here in America. I think that allows me to dance without shame as well."

I had to admit that the idea of being naked in public made me nervous and that even showing a more sensual side of myself in my dance work made me worry about how people would view me. I knew it held me back in the way I performed styles outside of ballet.

"Caroline, I have an idea. Tomorrow after class, let's go to the clothing optional park down at the lake. You can try it out and see how it makes you feel. We don't have to stay long and you can always put your swimsuit back on if you feel uncomfortable."

The park was called Hippy Hollow and it had a reputation as being a place for mostly gay men. I knew Gabi had been there many times with some other dancers and yoga instructors she was friends with and thought it was one of the prettiest parts of the lake. "Just come try it Caroline! Think of it as an opportunity to see who you can be?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." I said.

The next day after waking up and heading to my Thursday courses, I could hardly keep my mind on any of the classwork. I had butterflies in my stomach thinking about Gabi's challenge. It was a mix of being scared but also kind of excited to do something I'd never done before. I headed home after I had wrapped up my classes for the day and picked out a white knit two-piece bikini that tied at the neck and back for the top, and ties on both sides for the bottom. I slipped out of my school clothes and looked at my body in the mirror. I had a pretty thin and athletic dancer figure. At 5 foot 6 I wish I were another 2 inches taller to really accentuate the length of my arms and legs. My breasts were a bit larger than most dancers and had a symmetrical tear shape that lots of my dance friends were envious of. I applied sunscreen all over and slipped into my bikini. I also threw on a slightly sheer off-white button up sundress and flip flops. I tied my shoulder length blond hair back with a hair tie and was ready.

Gabi poked her head in to my room and said, "Are you ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be!" I answered. "Are you just going in your regular clothes or getting changed?"

She was wearing the same clothes she had been wearing to her classes that day.

"I'll take some bottoms'" Gabi replied, "But I doubt I'll end up wearing them."

"Gabi, is this a fully nude area we are going to? I mean am I expected to be completely naked?"

"No, Caroline. You'll see most people not wearing anything, but some will have swimsuits, some women will just be topless. You just go with what you are comfortable with."

As we drove out to the lake I was asking myself why this felt like a big deal for me? I've been naked in dressing rooms with other dancers my entire life. Of course there would be men at the park which I hadn't experienced before, and it wasn't a professional dance setting. As we pulled into the parking lot, I looked around and there were around 20 cars parked there. Not a ton of people, but also 20 or more strangers I'd never met before.

As we pulled in a guy about our age sitting in the parking lot booth said, "Good afternoon. It's gonna be eight dollars per person and we close at 8pm. Just be sure to display the tag in your window"

We found a parking place, grabbed our towels and walked down the trail to the lake. The ground was mostly white limestone, at least I think it's limestone and towards the water it gets a little rocky. As we descended towards the water I looked around and started counting how many people there were. I could see about 35 or 40 in all. There were about 20 deeply tanned men and I was assuming they were probably gay from the way they sat close to each other. The rest were a mix of men and women and I was surprised by how many of them were older men, probably hippies from back in the day, but everyone was just going about their business, soaking up the Texas sun.

We laid down our towels about midway between the trail and the water. Gabi causally lifted her shirt over her head and neatly folded it. Then unbuttoned her cutoffs and peeled off both her shorts and panties in one move.

"I'm going to go get in the water for a quick swim!" Gabi remarked and just like that she was off to join the four or five other men and women enjoying the lake.

"Okay Caroline, it's the moment of truth." I told myself.

I sat down on my towel to lower my profile and not to make a show of it, and lifted my sundress off. I then reached around to my back and untied the first part, then moved my hand to the cups of my bikini, took a deep breath, and lifted off my top. I looked around and it seemed like no one noticed or cared. Everyone was really going about their own business and not paying any attention to my big moment. I wondered to myself, "What was the big build up about? Was I expecting people to really care if I were clothed or not?" Sitting there with the sun on my skin I started to feel very relaxed about the whole experience and watched Gabi as she swam with the other people lounging in the water.

After about 5 minutes I noticed an older gentleman walk into the water and start wading towards Gabi. I couldn't tell his age, but he had very dark skin, probably of Indian descent, thin and very lean, but still extremely toned. His hair was thin but long and pulled back into a ponytail. He wasn't wearing a swimsuit and by his tan-lines looked as if he were a regular here. As he got closer to Gabi, he waved and said something. Gabi turned and immediately recognized him, and as they got closer they embraced and kissed on both cheeks, both still being fully nude! I knew Gabi was comfortable being naked but embracing a friend while naked? Wow. I was once again amazed by my roommate's openness. Then I saw her gesture towards me and they both started walking in my direction. Being topless in front of strangers that were not paying attention to me was one thing but this was going to be one of Gabi's friends. I thought about putting my top back on, but that seemed like a weird thing to do considering where we were. I drew my legs up to cover my breasts and they came towards me and immediately felt awkward that I wasn't going to stand up to greet him.

As they got to our spot Gabi said, "Caroline, this is Ravi my yoga teacher!"

I held out my hand while Ravi shook gently and I said "Oh yeah! Gabi has told me about you and what an amazing teacher you are!"

"Thank you, Gabi is very kind and also an amazing student. Do you mind if I join you for a little while?"

"Please do!" I replied. I don't know why I said that, as I was feeling exposed talking to my roommate's friend half naked, but I just said what I would have said under normal circumstances and didn't want to come across as rude.

"I finally get to meet the famous Caroline. Please tell me about yourself." Ravi asked. "Gabi told me she had a beautiful and talented roommate, but I'd love to hear more about you."

I decided to talk about dance since it's a conversation that Gabi could also take part in but Ravi really kept the focus on me through the entire conversation. We chatted about my early experiences in dance, why I was interested in ballet and how I felt it might have formed my self image.

"And tell me about dance now," Ravi inquired. "What brings you joy and what do you find challenging?"

"It's actually part of the reason we are here today," Gabi chimed in. "Do you mind if we talk about it with Ravi, Caroline?"

"Yeah, I think it's fine." I replied.

Gabi gave some of her perspective on my formal training in dance and how there was a sense of freedom missing in my modern dance.

"And how does that relate to you being here today?" Ravi asked.

"Well, I guess that I was hoping to get a little more in touch with my body and it being seen in public. When I'm on stage performing, I want to be able to be more in touch with my emotions and just let go. Gabi thought it might be a good idea to come out here and let me experience...this."

"How is it going so far?" He continued.

"...I think I'm still pretty nervous." I said. "When I first got here I was feeling pretty good, but I guess being in front of you, a friend of Gabi's and not a complete stranger, I 'm feeling shy I suppose."

"Well, I don't want to ruin your experience here, so I'll just thank you for the opportunity to get to know you and hopefully we'll meet again." Ravi said.

"You don't have to leave." I said.

Gabi chimed in "Actually Caroline, Ravi might actually be a good person to guide you through some of this. He has been really great at helping me and a lot of other people in our yoga group become more in touch with themselves and more present in their bodies."

"Really? How so?" I asked.

"It is something I help people with along their personal journeys. Much of yoga is based in being attentive to your body and your emotions Caroline. But it also depends on what you want. When you came here today, what were you hoping for?"

I took a deep breath and let my legs fold in front of me so that now my breasts were fully exposed. "I was hoping to just feel unashamed of my body I suppose." I replied.

"Try this Caroline. Close your eyes and just concentrate on what emotions you are feeling, and take 8 deep breaths." Ravi said to me.

I closed my eyes and as I breathed in and out I felt my nervousness start to drain away. I felt the sun on my skin and a feeling washed over me that this, being naked in the world, was how we all come into the world and maybe this could be how I am supposed to find myself.

"How are you feeling?" Ravi asked?

"Good. I don't feel much of the same nervousness." I said.

"Would you like to go one step further?" Ravi asked?

"Um, I guess you mean taking off my bottoms?" I replied.

"Yes, but only if you feel like it's something you are ready for." He said. "If you came here to feel free, you can always take the next step and see if it feels right."

I thought about it for a moment and decided that "wanting to feel free" was exactly why I was here. I started to untie the side of my bikini bottom and I felt Ravi's hand touch mine gently.

"Caroline, why don't you stand up first and give yourself over to this moment entirely? There's no need for you to hide."

When he said that I realized that that is what I had been doing. Hiding. I started to feel myself tearing up hearing that word. That struck me hard, that I had spent most of my life hiding, and I decided at that moment to not hide anymore. Feeling braver than I had since I arrived, I stood up and untied the left side of my bottoms, then the right and let it fall at my feet.

Ravi said, "Just take another moment and check to see what you are feeling."

As I stood there I realized I did feel a little nervous energy, but it was different from before. It didn't feel like fear but more like excitement. I raised my arms above my head and fully stretched out my body, letting the moment wash over me. I felt my muscles extend and my breasts rise a little. I realized my nipples were becoming erect and that I had goosebumps. I felt the fear start to drain out of me and slowly start being replaced with a different feeling.

As I opened my eyes and looked around, Gabi asked me, "How are you doing?"

I looked around and saw that I had caught the attention of a few of the men that were around us. Normally I would have felt the need to cover myself. They were looking at me, but I felt a little differently than I imagined I would. As I stood there and felt them gazing at my body, my heart starting to beat faster, my body was starting to respond, and I realized I was actually enjoying the attention.

"I feel kind of free. And honestly I think I'm a little turned on by it." I laughed.

Ravi said, "That is totally normal Caroline. That's part of owning who you are. Being able to feel what you feel, even, and maybe, especially if those feelings are sexual."

"Wow, thank you Ravi." I replied. As I stood there feeling more comfortable by the moment, I asked Gabi, "I think I want to walk around a bit. Do you want to come swimming?"

"No, you go ahead and we'll wait for you. Enjoy it Caroline!"

I walked slowly over to the edge of the lake and felt the cool water on my feet as I tested the water. There were a few people swimming and again most people had very little interest in me and were just going about their business. I looked over my shoulder and saw the same 2 or 3 men still looking my way. As I started wading deeper into the water I looked around at the other people swimming and saw one guy, probably in his 40's just looking directly at me and watching me as I came further into the lake in his direction. We locked eyes for a few moments and again I felt my body respond. My nipples are usually sensitive but they began to stiffen and I felt a flush of warmth in my pussy. I looked away but still continued to move deeper into the water which also meant I was moving closer in his direction.

When I was just up to my waist I dove my whole body and swam underwater a few feet. When I came up I was probably about 15 feet from him, and even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel that he was watching me pretty intently. I leaned back and started to float on my back with my nipples and breasts elevated above the water. I closed my eyes but could feel him intently watching me the entire time. I took a deep breath which made my chest rise further out of the water and felt my hips rise as well so that now my bush was out of the water as well. My heart was beating faster and I felt the lips of my pussy starting to swell. I opened my eyes just a little to steal a peek at him and he was still closely watching me but he was now only about 8 feet from me.

"How did I not know this about myself?" I wondered. I had been in front of audiences before, but being undressed out in the open like this was one of the most erotic things I had ever felt. I exhaled all of the air out of my lungs and slowly sank underwater. I got my feet under me and stood up and the water was just shallow enough for my breasts to be just above the waterline. I looked his way once more to see if he was still looking at me and our eyes met again.

"How are you enjoying the lake?" He inquired.

I was kind of surprised that he spoke to me and I answered, "Oh, wow. Well, it's my first time out here but it's really lovely."

"Right?" He exclaimed. "I found this a couple of years ago and not if I'm coming to the Lake, this is where I come." He started to drift closer to me as we had begun chatting and I suddenly realized that he was probably completely naked underwater.

"It gets way more crowded over the weekends," He continued, "and in 2 weeks on the 4th of July it will be completely packed out here. People will walk over from other areas of the Lake because the parking lot will be filled."

Now he was probably 5 feet away from me. His hair was short, dark but mostly gray and he was a little pudgy, maybe fifty pounds overweight. He had a very hairy chest and was around 6 feet tall. Pretty normal physique for a guy of his age I suppose. I could see his brown eyes move back and forth from my face to my breasts peeking out of the water and he didn't really make any attempts to hide it. Even though I didn't find him attractive, there was something about being this close to a stranger fully nude that was having a very powerful effect on me. I felt like my head was swirling. Was I having this kind of effect on him? The way he had been watching me, he definitely seemed to be feeling something.

"I'm Ron by the way," and he held out his hand so that now we were just an arms length apart.

"Caroline. Nice to meet you Ron." I replied. "What do you do for a living Caroline? Or are you a student?" Ron inquired.

"Well, I'm studying dance at UT which takes up most of my time, but I also do some freelance work as a dancer for videos and when it comes my way. I also do some nannying for a few couples which helps." I replied. "And how about you? What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an Engineer with the city. It sounds a little boring but I approve proposed development designs and make sure they meet regulations and guidelines."

"Wow. I have no idea what that must be like!" I laughed.

"It's a lot of details and paperwork really. I do have a creative outlet though," Ron continued. "I'm a bit of an amateur photographer. I've been shooting off an on for the past couple of years."

"Oh, that sounds cool. I've always appreciated when people actually know what to do with a real camera. What is your favorite subject matter?"

"Oh, I love photographing people. Portraits, boudoir, and I've been trying my hand at art nudes. It was actually one of the reasons you caught my eye. I was trying to get up the courage to come talk to you and ask if that might be something you'd be interested in?"

"Oh, what, me?" I blushed. I had known quite a few professional dancers that had been photographed nude, but until that moment I hadn't considered it. "Wow, I'm flattered but I'm not really sure if that's something for me." I remarked.

Ron said, "Oh I totally get it, I mean you don't really know me, but I'd love it if you would just consider it. I can give you my website, and you can look at my work and see if it is something you might want to try? I'd be happy to pay you for your time and, I mean look at you! Your figure is perfect. Your blond hair and green eyes are beautiful. You'd be a natural in front of the camera."